Mixed feelings - should I end my long term relationship?

[Jamesg2936]

I am 19, and I've been dating with my first ever girlfriend, love, and lover over for 2 years or so now.

 

The relationship is pretty good. I love her. She really loves me.

 

But there is a nag in the back of my mind that says I could do better, and I'm just staying here cause of comfort.

 

We fight at a low-squabbling often, especially when I am too busy to text / call her, which is what my lifestyle is like. Our sex life is active, almost too active that I take it for granted. Sometimes I just do it for the sake of it.

She is extremely emotional, and always looks to me for comfort very often. She relies on me very heavily, and has had many emotional breakdowns in the past.

 

The thought of leaving her makes my stomach lurch. I don't want to be alone. Being with her is warm. She makes me smile, and from time to time, when I look at her, my whole being just wants to protect and support her.

 

In addition, she talks about wanting to be with me for a long time, and has said months ago that she doesn't think she can do better than me, and will give up on love if it doesn’t work. I care deeply about her, and don't want to hurt her.

At the same time, I feel like I want to live my life young and go explore, find adventure and not be weighed down by a long term relationship limiting what I can do.

I have a complex about not experiencing life during my teenage years, and am deathly afraid of missing out on life experiences. (This all probably started when friends of mind talked about how they spent their teens/young-twenties having wild crazy random-sex). She is more interested in settling down/long term thinking than I am

Stay with her and test to see if it fizzles or really bonds? Break now and get clean starts? Supress my disturbing mind and give this my best go?

What should I do?

Edited October 16, 2011 by Jamesg2936

[Phantom24]

I think what you are feeling is normal. Chris Rock said it best when he said people are only as faithful as their options. As much as that is just a joke, there is some real truth to it. People have a natural tendency to evaluate whether or not they could do better. If you are already thinking you could do better then you are clearly not feeling like she is the "special one" for you and that wont be good later. At the same time we go through these "moods" where sometimes our partner is perfect, other times...not so much.

 

The fact that you are still young makes a strong argument to make sure you give yourself plenty of opportunities to seek out what makes you really happy. You owe it to yourself and whatever family you end up having as its better to take your time and find the right person than settle for what makes you most comfortable now.

 

My advice is to back off - stay good friends which may still include sharing moments of intimacy. Show her over the next 6 weeks that your friendship is real and that you aren't just looking for an opportunity to mess around. Stay committed (even though you asked for space) at first and show her she is still important to you and to show her its not her and that you are just trying to make good decisions. It may not be what she wants to hear, but I think its the right play.

[zenzen7]

I love what Phantom said and I completely agree.

 

It will be extremely difficult to keep her as a friend, since she seems to be desperately attached to you as a boyfriend (and NOT as a friend). You have also relied on her for years now and that feeling in your stomach is the reaction you have to being faced with UNCERTAINTY. What will happen when you leave her? Will you be alone forever? Will you ever find love again? These fears are normal, but they shouldn't be an obstacle for you. Open yourself to the fear - it will take you to places you couldn't even dream up.

 

What you will have to expect is that she is going to be incredibly upset; you will have to be strong and remember what it is that you want. You love her so you will be pulled in the direction of satisfying her, calming her, holding her; and you, too, may also be drawn to redirect yourself back to her to feel the familiar warmth and security you once knew. The fact is, though, you are trying to move forward in your life and experience new things. Don't lose focus if you make the decision to move on, because it will ultimately hurt you both in a deeper, more scarring fashion.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the curiosity and eagerness you feel toward moving into a new direction in your life. You are young and you have the world at your fingertips. If you stay with her, you will resent her eventually.

 

The best advice I can give is leave her, but leave her gently and honestly. You both deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, especially in a moment as jarring and hurtful as separation. Good luck my friend.

[norajane]

I feel like I want to live my life young and go explore, find adventure and not be weighed down by a long term relationship limiting what I can do.

What is it that you want to do? Why can't you do it while you are dating this girl?

 

I have a complex about not experiencing life during my teenage years, and am deathly afraid of missing out on life experiences. (This all probably started when friends of mind talked about how they spent their teens/young-twenties having wild crazy random-sex).

 

Is that what you want to do? Have crazy random-sex?

 

Make sure you have a better answer than that for your gf when you break up with her. Because she will ask what these adventures are that you want to have that you can't have now, and it will break her heart to learn that you're breaking up with her because you want to have crazy random-sex.

[zenzen7]

Crazy random sex, although dangerous and not totally an encouraged act if I may say so, can be liberating and adventurous if you're smart about it. I don't think that it should be one's MAIN goal when exiting a relationship... but the if signposts are there to guide you out of a particular relationship: dissatisfaction, emotional heaviness, clinging behaviors to avoid pain, etc., then they must be heeded. These are the motivating factors, not the sex, but the adventure awaits all of us, especially when we feel it tugging at our inner-consciousness. I think it's okay to let go of a relationship if it feels right. Do it for the adventure, do it for the opportunity to grow as an individual, do it for love, for passion, for excitement, do it for joy, for curiosity, for a fulfilling present moment... these are the reasons why we move from one relationship to another. These are the "excuses". Not the sex.

Good point, norajane.

[TBH]

i dont think OP's mission is just to have crazy random sex, rather that this particular conversation sparked off in his mind the urge to live freely and open himself up to unknown experiences, sexual and otherwise.

 

To the OP: I spent all my teens and twenties in two long term relationships and I regret it now more than anything.

 

ask yourself if you want to stay for you or her. are you more afraid of how she will react than the uncertainty of being alone yourself?

 

it basically comes down to this:

do you stay with what you know (and are bored of) or do you grab life and live it while you have a chance, with all the uncertainty and potential opportunities this will bring?

 

I'm not telling you to leave her, i'm just saying life is very short and way too precious to spend it with regrets.