OliveOyl Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I posted in another thread about what I call the 4 different types of men (in regards to sexual timing in relationships). I don't think you really did anything wrong nor could you have changed the outcome. I think he was just "Type 3" in my list of men and he never wanted a real relationship.
alphamale Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I posted in another thread about what I call the 4 different types of men (in regards to sexual timing in relationships). I don't think you really did anything wrong nor could you have changed the outcome. I think he was just "Type 3" in my list of men and he never wanted a real relationship. hi OO
ptp Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 well, most women don't put out on the first, 2nd or 3rd date or even the 4th or 5th date. he's still getting regular sex with different broads even if he has to juggle a number of them for 6-8 weeks... i'm a man, i know about this stuff, i used to do it for a while until i burned out :respect: dude teach me
alphamale Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 :respect: dude teach me it is part of the force, find yoda, teach you he will. retired i am.
daphne Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 bgirl, I agree with alpha. He may not have been stringing along other women at the same time, but he was laying it on thick to get to the end. I've seen the most gentlemanly guy pull this, but at some point in the waiting game, they reveal themselves. I've also seen guys wait a year or longer, hoping to get somewhere. And these aren't guys without options. Quite the contrary. But there are guys who really, really love a challenge. 2 months is not that long. It sounds like you're having a hard time believing that he's not what he pretended to be. You'd be doing yourself a disservice to try to make him into some poor wounded noncommital guy. Better to open your eyes to what he's really like, a jerk, so you can move on and find someone who honestly wants a relationship with you.
Pierre Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Initially he referred to you as his future wife because he was playful and he liked you. When you called him on that he was turned off. From that point he started to like you less. He told you he did not favored exclusivity and encouraged you to date others. He was telling you that you are not the one. The big mistake is that you somehow ignored his words.
Author Bgirl Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 Initially he referred to you as his future wife because he was playful and he liked you. When you called him on that he was turned off. From that point he started to like you less. He told you he did not favored exclusivity and encouraged you to date others. He was telling you that you are not the one. The big mistake is that you somehow ignored his words. So this all came about that simple question.."Are we just seeing each other" ? If he pulled back just because I asked that, that questions how much he really likes me and whether his feelings were genuine.
Pierre Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 So this all came about that simple question.."Are we just seeing each other" ? If he pulled back just because I asked that, that questions how much he really likes me and whether his feelings were genuine. Were the two of you dating other people when you were seeing each other? Maybe he was PO'd by your views on his approach regarding calling you his future wife. Then you asked about exclusivity? There is a contradiction in there.
Author Bgirl Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 What I said was ' I know you've been hinting at marriage a few times and on our first date you mentioned that you were meeting people, so I just wanted to know are you seeing other people still? ' I think it was a valid question to me, to which he replied ' its too soon to talk about that, this is online dating I was expecting you to be dating other guys and it shud be ok if I want to meet someone that interests me. Everything changed after this convo.
musemaj11 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 This guy sounds pretty sleek. It seems the PUA knowledge has had a widespread influence among the menfolk which is a good thing.
PlumPrincess Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 BUT there was a red flag in the beginning when I realized that he was bringing marriage up after 3 weeks only, not directly but saying things like when we marry we'll do this, he introduced me to his frd as his future wife, would talk about kids etc. This freaked me out so I asked him if at that point were just seeing each other or what was the deal. He said it was too soon to stop meeting other people and that he was just getting to know me, then he mentioned that he was expecting me to be seeing other guys and that he wanted to keep his options open Sorry, I didn't quite get that. Why did his mentioning of marriage make you suspect that you guys were not exclusive? And was being exclusive something that you wanted or not wanted? I thought it was something that you wanted, but then it's confusing for me that his mentioning of marriage would lead you to suspect that you guys were not.
PlumPrincess Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 What I said was ' I know you've been hinting at marriage a few times and on our first date you mentioned that you were meeting people, so I just wanted to know are you seeing other people still? ' I think it was a valid question to me, to which he replied ' its too soon to talk about that, this is online dating I was expecting you to be dating other guys and it shud be ok if I want to meet someone that interests me. Everything changed after this convo. Ok, got it now. Forget my other question. I just saw this. His behavior is weird. I'm astonished to see how many posters here state that some guys can be so cruel and callous. I haven't met people like that yet and I assume if they exist they're less common than some people here might make it look like. In any case, I guess, the guy you were into was emotionally immature and has committment issues. He was probably honest with you. I used to feel sad and depressed for one guy who confused the hell out of me. When I got over it, I realized how stupid it was to spend so much time on someone who just wasn't that much into you and who was simply emotionally not available. There are so many nicer people out there.
Emilia Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 well, most women don't put out on the first, 2nd or 3rd date or even the 4th or 5th date. he's still getting regular sex with different broads even if he has to juggle a number of them for 6-8 weeks... i'm a man, i know about this stuff, i used to do it for a while until i burned out No, Pierre got it right. If he was so callous, he would not have pulled back when she called him out but would have kept pushing the marriage/commitment pretence instead. The fact that you are a straight man means you have no experience of dating men - unlike myself
Author Bgirl Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 To be honest, I'm upset because I did like him, I haven't met any other guy who treated me the way he did (even though he distanced) he still treated me like gold, I'. Upset because in my heart I saw a lot potential with him as in I thought he could be the one because no one else has completed the check list like him , not look wise or status wise but character ( or so ot seemed), he was good to his family and frds, we both have a passion for certain charities etc, and we were just great together. I'm upset because I beat myswlf up for asking that question in the first place, even though many agree that I had the right to do so, that instance changed him and I can'( help but wonder if things woulda been different now if I woulda given him the space to realize that he liked me and ask me for exclusivity. Because he said that' let me realize on my own that I only want to date you' I'm upset because NC is hard, I have no doubt in my mind that Ill stick to it because I don't believe in being frds, but I can't help but wonder if he will regret this one day and come back to me... Is so silly I know . But these are the things that I'm feeling. And today I woke up with so much pain that my body physically hurts and I just want to make peace with all they 'why's' .. Whether I did something wrong or he just wasn't genuine with me.. I'm trying to gain closure
snug.bunny Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 OP isn't this the same guy who mentioned he still wanted to be open and available to seeing other people because he wanted to make sure you weren't a "psychopath" and referred to his ex as one? If so, he is not in a proper frame of mind to be involved in a relationship with ANYONE. Whatever happened between he and his ex, inflicted some some serious damage. I think it was very smart of you to address things when you did. Something about his words/actions sounded off alarm bells for you, and you paid attention to it. I know you really liked him and wanted to see where things could go with him, but he filled you up as if you were a balloon and then popped it. We can only speculate based on the information you've given us, whether or not he was being truthful or if he himself was full of hot air. Sadly, I'm sure this will have you confused for a while given how it played out. It tends to be a bit harder to move on from because you're trying to put all the pieces together of "what the heck just happened?" . So no, you weren't "wrong" for saying anything. Asking him if he is dating other women is not that same as a declaration of commitment. If you're sleeping with each other, you have a right to know if he's getting it on with other women.
louise_23 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 So this is how the story goes. I met a guy whom I was dating for close to two months. The chemistry was amazing from the moment we met and had a very constant routine of seeing each other twice a week, spending weekends together, we would always be in touch etc.This was was a gentleman in every sense of the word, he kept his word always,treated me with respect, called me when he said he would, spent his weekends with me, supported me, etc. We shared and intense chemistry, and we shared same goals, we were like the male/female version of each other and we could communicate very well, valued each others opinions etc. We agreed that we would wait on sex until we know it feels special and he was very respectful of that. BUT there was a red flag in the beginning when I realized that he was bringing marriage up after 3 weeks only, not directly but saying things like when we marry we'll do this, he introduced me to his frd as his future wife, would talk about kids etc. This freaked me out so I asked him if at that point were just seeing each other or what was the deal. He said it was too soon to stop meeting other people and that he was just getting to know me, then he mentioned that he was expecting me to be seeing other guys and that he wanted to keep his options open This was the turning point. After this, he became distant and he wasnt as affectionate. I felt his change so I approached the topic and we had a discussion and we agreed on just seeing each other without entering an actual relationship, he admited that he felt really pressured after I asked him that question and he said that he was resenting me for closing his options but he wanted to continue dating me and he wanted things to work.He keep being constant with his efforts, as in seeing me twice a week, calling me etc, but his tone was different. Last weekend, we were fooling around and one thing led to another, after two months, and we had sex for the first time. He acted normal the next day, we cuddled, he took me out for breakfast, showed himself affectionate and we talked about plans for the next dates. Two days later we went for dinner and he broke up with me saying " In my head you are prefect in every single way, beautiful, smart, funny, friendly, nice, well educated, and we share the same values etc but my heart doesnt love you and I have been forcing myself to find it but I dont think that feeling is there for you" It was like a ton of bricks fell on me!! I felt horrible to hear "in my head ur perfect, but my heart doesnt love you" I got clouded so just said I dont want to date him like that and he asked to keep in touch coz he cared about me but I told him i wanted NC. I grabbed my stuff and left. Needless to say I am torned apart today. I feel horrible and I am trying to make sense of everything that happened. If he didnt 'feel' it then why did he continue seeing me. I know I didnt resist sex, but if he also moved forward with it why do it when he knew he wasnt feeling it? You would figure if he wanted sex only he woulda gotten it earlier if he had a girl on his bed every weekend, but he waited this long to break up with me after??? Some people say he was a gentleman for being honest, some say that he played me and had a hidden agenda. I just need some guidance here because I am very hurt and if waiting for sex is supposed to be a good thing, it certainly didnt play out that way for me and I am broken hearted The worse part for me is that I blame myself for askign that question after 3 weeks only, he made me feel like it was a desperate thing to do and I feel like I killed the nice tone of the relationship. He certianly changed after that PLEASE DONT BLAME YOURSELF. honestly, ive dated a few guys like this recently and theyre so slimy its unreal. best actors ive ever met. in my opinion he sounds like a jerk. its not your fault you trusted him. dont beat yourself up about this. what goes around comes around.
Pierre Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 What I said was ' I know you've been hinting at marriage a few times and on our first date you mentioned that you were meeting people, so I just wanted to know are you seeing other people still? ' I think it was a valid question to me, to which he replied ' its too soon to talk about that, this is online dating I was expecting you to be dating other guys and it shud be ok if I want to meet someone that interests me. Everything changed after this convo. Hmm I think you are another victim of the OLD and multidating. Within that frame work you then raised the ugly term exclusivity which generally implies you or him are seeing other people at the same time. If I was truly romantically attracted to a woman I may playfully say I want you to be the mother of my children or say you could be my future wife. That is what comes to the mind of folks that are dating in search of a committed relationship and a mate. However, by the same token those very same words are like poison for those that date for sport. If I was very attracted to a woman and went out with her on several dates and if she then wanted to talk about exclusivity I would assume she must be seeing many other men besides me. Or at the least that she thinks multidating is OK. From my point of view I have no interest in dating a woman that is seeing other men so that would turn me off instantly. That is why I preach serial dating rather than parallel dating.
snug.bunny Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Hmm I think you are another victim of the OLD and multidating. Within that frame work you then raised the ugly term exclusivity which generally implies you or him are seeing other people at the same time. If I was truly romantically attracted to a woman I may playfully say I want you to be the mother of my children or say you could be my future wife. That is what comes to the mind of folks that are dating in search of a committed relationship and a mate. However, by the same token those very same words are like poison for those that date for sport. If I was very attracted to a woman and went out with her on several dates and if she then wanted to talk about exclusivity I would assume she must be seeing many other men besides me. Or at the least that she thinks multidating is OK. From my point of view I have no interest in dating a woman that is seeing other men so that would turn me off instantly. That is why I preach serial dating rather than parallel dating. Your're trying to turn this around on her for asking the question. Not sure why.
soserious1 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Sounds like this guy really did like you but had ambivalent feelings about whether or not you were "the one" and he'd hoped that the sexual connection would be amazing enough to seal the deal, it didn't pan out that way & rather than lead you on by continuing to see you he ended the relationship. The guy spent a fair amount of time getting to know you, why jump to the assumption that he was playing you or using you?
Author Bgirl Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) Sounds like this guy really did like you but had ambivalent feelings about whether or not you were "the one" and he'd hoped that the sexual connection would be amazing enough to seal the deal, it didn't pan out that way & rather than lead you on by continuing to see you he ended the relationship. The guy spent a fair amount of time getting to know you, why jump to the assumption that he was playing you or using you? I don't necessarily think that he played me, what I dont undestamnd is WHY the change of attitude after I asked him if we was seeing other people. He clearly tried, I think, but if I liked me that much asking him if he was seeing other people shoulda been a compliment rather than scaring him off. He inmediatly went from 'when we get maried we will do this" to " dont ever make the mistake of getting married" and before breaking up he joked that when he gets married he wants to live separate from that person so he doesnt have to see her all the time...very incosistent. Edited October 16, 2011 by Bgirl
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