xInvictuSx Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I am new to this forum, and I've got myself a problem of epic proportions; as I notice many on here do. So I will type away, and get off my chest (at least for the time being) some of my sadness and hopefully it will ease this pain. I was going to apologize for how long and drawn out this is but I decided I don't need to- if you don't want to read it, then don't. Leave. I was with this woman for almost 2 years. Who "once again" has told me it was over, and she needs "space".. She needs to separate herself from me. Ironically she just showed up at my place 15 minutes ago while I was typing this to grab her mirror. We talked and she and I went back and forth about hurt, trust issues, how she is afraid of me and she swore she'd never allow herself to. How she wanted to be the only one who could stand in my fire and not get burned... She tells me that she loves me, tells me she doesn't want it to be this way, but something has to give. She is broken again and that she is trying to better her life and she knows where she's been, knows who she is and the woman she will become and she can't see that woman putting up with this. Here is where it began. Ok for the sake of everyone psychoanalyzing this post and stating "you sound insecure" or "you have problems".. You are right. I do, and I wouldn't be here right now on this forum typing this incredibly long memoir of my eroded relationship with the love of my life. I am 31 and grew up fast, and f'd up. Spent 24 years of my life with a lazy eye that was so bad it was almost turned facing my brain. It creeped people out. It wasn't just a turn off to girls, but adults and just about everyone would stare or turn away.. That was a lot for a little kid who had the crap beat out of him everyday and night by some biker guy his mother was seeing so we had a place to stay. I ran away at 15, dropped out of school and "chose" to bum around on the street using drugs and alcohol until I was 24, right around the time I finally got the lasec surgery that straightened my eye. I went straightedge, and vegetarian, and haven't slipped up once in almost 10 years. I've been working my hands to the bone, got my GED 7 years ago and really trying to make myself into the person I know in my heart that I am and not who I became. It's hard, it's been so hard.. I got tears pouring out as my fingers type this because it's the truth. I have a problem. I can't afford counseling, I don't know if i have anything mentally wrong with me to the point I would need big pharma's help drugging me up.. I just know I have been programmed to think the way I do, and in turn hurt others and myself. Now, I met the love of my life almost 2 years ago. And it was strange because neither of us wanted to go out that night.. We were both at a stage in our lives where we stopped socializing because that ultimately meant being vulnerable, and risking being hurt. These guys that lived around the corner literally dragged me out to karaoke at a local club. I didn't want to go but I was bored stiff so I went. There she was with a girl that one of my buddies knew.. Long blond hair, blue eyes, half sleeve shoulder tats on both arms (I also have MANY), and she was dancing around (intoxicated), flirting with me and my buddies but mainly myself because I wasn't paying her attention. Later on down the road she finally admitted the initial attraction was she noticed my neck tattoos, and that I'm a big "tough guy" (funny reading all this and picturing me). Also because I wasn't acknowledging her when all the other guys were. At that point I wasn't going to pass down an opportunity for some action so before I left I exchanged numbers with her. Apparently my buddy got her number too, and he said because he "got it first" that he was going to hook up with her and **** her before me. I know, that's totally piggish and why a lot of women hate men. I didn't like his idea, because I have NEVER been a player, cheater, or shovenist pig. I have been a lot of not so cool things in my life but never those. So in the back of my head I said **** him, I'm going to call her and try to hang out with her when she hasn't had vodka & tonic all night. 3 days later I call her and invite her to karaoke at this other place that's more low-key (I like to sing so karaoke is fun). She met me there and we talked, I mentioned how I was just in a relationship that ended badly (that should've scared her off) and she told me she was married and divorced (scary). But we were new and exciting to each other, which is normal so those things weren't a big deal. Turned out she and I had so much in common and I was heavily attracted to her, physically and now that i got to chill with her I was mesmerized by her mentally. Her views, humor, and how she carried herself was unlike any other. She was awesome. So as we left it was raining in the parking lot. We started another convo as we walked away from each other about video games (haha) and we stood looking at each other in the pouring rain getting soaked. There was something in each other that we couldn't explain then, it was an instant connection and it felt so incredibly great. I knew we would see each other again. Weeks went by and I would swing by her apartment and talk, watch movies, eat pizza, and listen to music. One day our first kiss was shared in her car listening to a beautiful Clint Mansell track from a movie score. It gave us both goosebumps (later she would tell me whenever she heard that song it would bring back the feeling of that kiss). We never slept together. And I would stay until 2-3am in the morning, nodding out in her lazy boy and I would stand up and tell her I should go home.. After a few nights of that I eventually noticed she didn't want me to go, she said you can stay here if you would like. I did. And not on her couch. As we kissed in her bed, making love I tried to move in for more. She rejected me. So as any man who is rejected at that point I rolled over and was distant. She said that she couldn't just sleep with a guy, she had to be intimately in a relationship. She said she wasn't a slut. Part of me was like yea right, that's what they all say so I said that it's just sex. People do it because it feels good, and that it won't change anything between us. But she knew from our talks I didn't want to rush into a relationship especially in the heat of the moment to get some action. I lied there in bed next to her, held my ground, and she rolled over saying "I hate admitting when I'm wrong, you're right.." We got it on, and it was mind blowing. So after a few more weeks of us just hanging out all the time, inseparable, we eventually decided that we were together and it was serious because we felt so intense about each other. It wasn't a fling, or an obsession. It was real. The sad part is, I know I have problems. They didn't go away just because I met the one. Eventually I started to get jealous if another guy who I felt was more well off than me or better looking than me was around. Especially if she would keep looking at him. I didn't vocalize it to her then, I kept it to myself because I knew the green eyed monster would ruin everything. I don't really know for sure when we started to argue and have awkward moments. Maybe it's because things we starting to look to good to be true. And with my past experiences, I would try to find a reason, some kind of dirt that would make her like the rest. I was subconsciously sabotaging my relationship. It didn't end there. After a while she would start getting out of work later, telling me she had to work days out of the blue that she had off usually. She still talked (rarely) with her ex boyfriend (and husband?) and that bothered the crap outta me! When I asked her why her ex husband she would say to make everything in the divorce process move smoothly. Try to be friends through it all. One day she came home with a box of stuff she got from him when he showed up at her job. It was things he still had in the house they bought together. She opened it, and started crying... She picked up two teddy bears and walked into the kitchen to the trash and slowly dropped them in. I asked her why she was crying and she said that she bought them for him, how could he be so cold. I didn't understand. If they were divorcing, why would him giving her back two stuffed animals make her cry? Of course, she still had feelings for him. While she has feelings for me.. That would eat at me more and more as time went on. After a while my jealousy, trust issues and our fighting would lead her to tell me she was leaving me, she would pack up whatever she left at my place and stand there waiting for me to beg her not to go. I knew that's what it was. So I told her I can't stop her, if she wants to go, to go. I didn't want her to leave but it was her choice. So she stayed. Every time. Except one night she left for real. And we were split up for 3 months.. I went online like I did today and looked up "how to get your girlfriend back" sites, ANYTHING to help me get her back, to make things right. So I did no contact, and she reacted first. Calling me one day while on lunch from work, saying that she's been crying herself to sleep every night because she went on facebook and noticed "hot, model girls" flirting with me and the thought of me being with them killed her. So she deleted me from her fb!? A few weeks later I was in my buddies car driving back from his place watching the superbowl and I was talking about her the whole time. Crying, asking God to please help us, send a sign, anything. And the most crazy thing happened.. We stopped at a red light and guess whose car was next to ours? Hers. Except there was a guy in the passenger seat.. I got even more tore up, went home and before I had a chance to take off my jacket she pulls into the driveway. I go out there and the guy was gone, and she laid into me about talking to this girl her roomate knows on facebook (completely innocent btw, about a band) I tell her the truth and she believed me. She started crying, smelled like booze and I asked her who the guy was and told her how crazy it was to be at the same stop light at the same time. She told me she gave her friend Anthony a ride home, he was wasted. Then drove directly to my place, which made sense because I still had my coat on. We hugged, and she cried. I got teary eyed. Talked for 2 hours in her car, then I told her I had to go upstairs and go to bed, we both had work in the morning. As I'm about to get out of her car she says I'll drive you. Now my driveway is maybe 30 feet long. I mentioned that's silly I'll walk and she said "I don't want to watch you walk away".. So she drives me a few feet and we both get out. We have an extremely intense kiss and I turn around walk in my door. I looked out my window and she was still standing there awe struck, as if she expected me to invite her in, or fall at her feet or something. So a few more weeks go by and we start meeting up, she acts indifferent again, then loving and showing signs of missing me, then another time she'll act like she's done. Eventually we get back together by the grace of God. For 3 weeks things were awesome, but the first night we lied in bed together I asked her if she was with anyone while we split up.. She shook her head with a serious look in her face and in a serious tone, NO. Then.. Almost. I asked what she meant and she said a her and this guy she works with went out to a club and drank and were dancing hot and heavy. She was vulnerable and horny since the break up, and he was putting the heat on her because a lot of guys just want a piece from anything with legs. She said he made moves and she pushed him off. But where did the "almost" come from? Almost how? Naturally that ate at me too, like the ex-husband scenario. But I let it lie for the moment, things were going great between us. Then I started to get that vibe something wasn't right again. Probably sabotaging the relationship out of fear and insecurity again. It got to the point I snooped in her cellphone when she wasn't in the room. Her text inbox and outbox were always deleted, her call logs were always deleted. The only thing she kept were sappy, romantic texts I sent her. After a while i noticed calls to and from this guy she "almost" slept with (the guy she works with). All around times she said she was at work, or after she got out of work, or when we'd fight and she'd take off in her car. One night we got in a huge blow out and I admitted to snooping and asked her why she was talking to this guy still. "He's just a friend, can't I have any friends??" She said i was a paranoid ***hole, this and that and the next.. But the whole friends with a guy she works with that she almost slept with was sitting uneasy with me. But she was so convincing and because love is so blind I would believe her for the moment and we would calm down and go back to normal for a bit. She was changing her schedule around all the time, staying late, getting out early, taking "PTO" time when she said she going to work.. That gut feeling something wasn't right was still there. Too many red flags. One morning we got into before work, both half asleep and arguing and yelling while getting ready. She kept telling me in a snotty tone to just shut the **** up already.. Everything I said she would cut me off with shut the **** up.So I snapped and punched the mirror she was looking in while putting her make up on. It shattered everywhere, luckily she didn't get hurt, I on the other hand had a bloody hand. And I deserved it. I over reacted and didn't exhibit strength and self control. She left and started staying with a girl Ashley she works with at her second job (she has two). She told me it was over for good this time (just like every time) and she couldn't handle the stress, the smothering, and my inability to trust her when she has done nothing to deserve that from me. Per usual we met up again, and she started coming over.. Dinner, movies, fooling around, etc. One night after a great night she left to go back to where she was staying but forgot her cellphone charging. I couldn't resist. I looked again and inbox and outbox were empty except there was an unselt draft. Who was it to? Ironically it was to that guy who she swore was just a friend.. It read "I've cared about you for a long time. I don't like this distance between us. But I won't be treated like second best or a piece of meat. I've got some issues but I'm dealing with them." That killed me. And hurt me so bad. It justified all the snooping and all my hunches and made my paranoia and trust issues seem like true gut instinct. I wasn't going to mention anything to her about finding it because she was hurt by me snooping in her phone. I just don't understand how she can cry her eyes out and swear upon sweet Jesus that she loves me and only me but then does things like that. Tell me I'm an untrusting, paranoid sicko that looks for anything and makes something out of nothing. That text draft was not nothing, it was something whether she didn't send it or not. There is definitely an emotional connection between them or she wants more from him but he just wants sex!? I cried myself to sleep that night. That morning I hear her come in my apartment (I gave her a key) and she says all happy and sweet, "honey it's just me I left my phone last night" and then walks into my bedroom where I pretended to sleep and she kisses me all over my face and forehead. "I love you!" As she walks out of the room and leaves. I didn't see it as sweet at all, it felt like Judas kisses. Later on in the evening I call her up and tell her we need to talk. I had no intentions of mentioning that I found that text either, it was all I needed and I was finally though! So she shows up and I'm waiting for her outside. We go for a walk and I tell her that I'm making some positive life decisions and they don't include her.. She doesn't even fight it, she asks if that's all I needed to talk about, get's mad and turns to leave. I couldn't help myself because that's not all I wanted to say, it wasn't the only reason I was telling her I was finished. I tell her about the text, her first reaction is, "you went through my phone again?" She looked all appalled.. I said yea, and I don't give a **** this time because I found clear evidence you and him had something going on. She got pissed and defensive saying I'm crazy, there is nothing going on, etc.. Saying she never sent it to him (like that matters much). She tried justifying each line of the text with some lame excuse. Funny she left and I started thinking maybe she is telling the truth.. So I call her and she ignores me, so I keep calling like 20 times until she answered balling her eyes out, barely making sense. Asking how I could do this to her, how dare I.. She loves me,she never slept with him ever, she never wanted to.. Then WTF was that text about?Was she crying crocodile tears because she knew she was caught? I tell her I love her and I know I have my issues too, and that I understand if she was getting attention from him at work and I understand if she was looking for someone who would treat her better than me and all I want is for her, and us both to be happy and work through things. She just needs to be honest and tell me the truth. And she screamed through the phone that she is telling the truth and broke down even worse crying more and harder. It was believable. So I cracked under pressure. Her roommate a few days later declined to tell her that she was moving out, so that would've left my girl with nowhere to go. I told her I won't let the women I love be homeless. So she went from not wanting to work things out, doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone, it won't work we'll just keep repeating the process to,"ok get in the car!" We went picked up her things and came back to my place. The last 2 weeks have been good. Not perfect, we've almost got into it really bad a few times but defused the situation responsibly as we should if we want to be together like we both swear up and down we do. Even through all of this drama, the 3 month break up, the calls, the text, breaking the mirror, that energy chemistry between us has never disappeared.. It's still there, even now after she just grabbed her new mirror (I went out and replaced right after) and left. She's moving into her new apartment today, and what started this dilemma was last night on our way to go pick up my car at my step fathers I asked her when she wanted me to help her move in? She said that I didn't have to, and that this old father figure guy from work (Bill, I've met him) was going to help with his truck. I felt inadequate, and mentioned that out of anyone that should be helping it's me. And she said no it's not you. Right then I knew she didn't want me to know where she's staying. So I said that to her, and she replied, "damn right I don't want you to know where I live!" How can she go from picking me up at work, buying my favorite trailmix and being sweet as soon as I get in her car to ice queen telling me she doesn't want me to know where she's living?? So we fought the whole way to my step dads, and she told me to get out once we were there. I told her if she was going back to my place to grab her things to not go in until I get there. When I drove home she was waiting in her car out front, was respectful of my wish. We went upstairs and she gathered her things. I poured my heart out to her, telling her that all I wanted to know was if she was committed to me. If she wanted to really work things out. Because the whole time she started staying with me again I was getting mixed signals. She'd walk up behind me and hug me when I was doing dishes, she would grab me and snuggle with me at night, she'd gently brush her had across my face and tell me she loves me. Then the next second she's avoiding my questions about where we're going, and if she's seriously committed to our relationship. She said why can't it just flow, why do I have to question everything? I tell her because of the mixed signals. She said she couldn't believe I couldn't see the commitment, and that if she wasn't she would've left and stayed gone a long time ago. She loves me but can't handle the fights anymore. She says that's all we do, it'll be good for one day and then the next we're fighting again... Damn, my fingers are killing me.. But that's the jist of it all, there's more I didn't include but I'm not crying like a baby anymore and hopefully without bias and being judgmental someone can give some insight and maybe advice on how we can make this work. She needs to try as well, and not wait until we get into an argument or I say something that sets her off so she can break up and leave me again. Because she always comes back. I just want there to be harmony between us for once! Please help somebody...
ken_25 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Well it looks like you both were rebounding. I don't know the time apart you both had with your exes though. Because your instinct keeps making you feel like you can't trust her, and with finding that draft on her phone it sounds like you're onto something. If you can't find it in you to fully trust her, then you shouldn't be with her. It will keep bringing you the same sort of results. You guys seem to fight a lot, which isn't good for any relationship. I'm thinking it's best to take a long break for now. Do not contact her, just do your own thing and focus on you for awhile. Stay away from any drama and get yourself together.
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