olebrogan Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 I met a woman a little more than a year ago at the place where I work. To me she was the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen. One of those types that you need to remember to breath again after seeing her for the first time every day. In fact I had a phrase for what it was like to see her for the first time every day. I called them my "WOW moments" because in my head all I could think of when I saw her was "WOW". I went after her and got to know her. As I got to know her I saw so many things about her personality that I liked. She was unique to me in alot of ways..one of which was the way that I was attracted to her. Literally, no one has ever had my attention as she did. We became close, we became lovers and we had some of the best times I have ever had with a woman. I also came to find out that she had a history that was affecting her everyday life. She lost her virginity to a man that raped her and left her with an STD to remind her for the rest of her life what had happened. When I heard this I understood alot of who she was. After time I also began to see that she had never really dealt with this. It has been ten years and she was still battleing this. In my mind all i could think of was that I wanted to help her and to let her see that someone, a man, could care enough to work through her problems with her. She let me in..more so than anyone (at least a man anyways) then ever before. We became close. As time went by..I simply fell in love with her. People always tell you not to be with someone that has baggage. To me this wasnt baggage. It was a woman going through hell who needed someone to understand her. The thought of what had ahppened and the pain I saw in her eyes when she talked about it killed me. I have never in my life hurt so much for another person. her past made me understand that she had formed walls over all these years, specifically towards men. She was afraid to let anyone in for fear of being hurt. This is completely understandable. As we got closer she began to push me away. She outright told me that she was uncomfortable because she liked me to much. She would almost on a daily basis go back and forth with her feelings towards me. When I was to see her I never knew if it was to be a good day or a bad day. I started feeling as if I had to walk on eggshells. I let myself bend in ways for her that I normally would have done.. I tried to change my focus to suit her needs so that we might better get along. I tried harder than ever in my life to be what she needed me to be. In doing so.. I allowed and looked past things that I would have walked away from iun the past. Thinsg like.. going away for the weekend with her old boyfriend ( i was actually stupid enough to believe the we are just friends routine). I took that as her trying to demolish our relationship because she was scared. i knew she was just using him as a fall back, plus she liked how he doted over her, bought her things etc. I was never ok with him. She treated him like **** as much as she ended up treating me. When I got upset with the **** she was pulling she would turn it on me and make it out to be my fault and like I was unreasonable. She always said that she was always putting up with me when inreality all I was doing was reacting to her mistreating me. After a year of seeing her we were talking and she said that I was unclassified in her life. That to me was the straw that broke the camels back. After how I had tried to be there for her and change.. I was unclassified? Once again unwilling to let me in. I couldnt take that anymore. I loved this woman more than anyone I have ever met before But I had to let it go. I told her so. It was a Saturday afternoon. She was crying I was fightinmg my tears. Then she told me the one thing I always wanted to hear from her lips. That she actually did love me. That blew me away. I walked out of there confused. Was I doing the wrong thing? I went back and forth for a few days and when I talked to her again ..she once again flipped. She said I over reacted to that and that it "wasnt like she was head over heals for me". this crushed me and i realized that this girl didnt really care for me at all. all she could think about was herself. This was proven when the following night I did the stupidest thing I have ever done.. I downed a bottle of rum, got in my new car and drove as fast as it would go. I didnt care if I drove off the road or not. This was by far the worst hrs of my life. I talked to her on the phone and the thing she said to me which opitimizes who she is. she said "Dont do this to me" All she was thinking about was how she would feel if I crashed or killed myself. (for those that are worrying.. I am getting help for this action etc.) I apologized to her the following day for putting her in that situation. it wasnt unil later that I realized what it was that she cared about. Four days later she went to a wedding with her old boyfriend and once again spent a night in his bed. I told her via message that I was done with her. I was walking away. It has been a month and she has made no attemp to contact me. She jsut let me walk away..yes I know.. proving what i really meant to her but that doesnt cure the pain that causes. Do not get me wrong. i made mistakes in this relationship as well but my heart was genuine and I let her more than anyone before her. I realized that she is one of the most self centered, selfish people I have ever met. I also know that her past causes much of how she is. It doesnt make it right and it doesnt allow her to treat people as she does. But I do understand. She is now back with her old boyfriend. With all of this.. why do I hurt so badly inside? Why do i feel like i have let her down and given up on her? With how she has treated me and all the indifference towards me why do I just get overwhelmed with feelings for her? there are times when I can do nothing but sit there and sob. I am keeping myself busy but I feel like someone has died in my life. I have walked away from the person that I felt was the love of my life...I have been asked out and have turned them down because my heart is so filled with this woman. Why cant I let go even though I know I should? My soul has never felt so empty and my heart has never cried so many tears... All for someone that just doesnt care... was I just stupid?
Cricket Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 The girl's "on and off" again routine sounds pretty much like me, except in my situation, I only feel that way because my boyfriend's parents are setting him up w/ a rich girl that is very perfect. (This sounds weird, but according to the monk's prophecy, he is going to marry this girl), so I felt like I'm holding him back from being rich and successful. His family also hates me, so that is another reason for me to run. He says he loves me more than I'll ever know, but sometimes I feel doubtful because sometimes I feel he just doesn't want to reject because I'm too nice of a girl. (I use to be his old college friend.) As for your woman, I think she just likes your attention. I know it is hard to let go of someone, but w/o contact, I think that in time you'll heal. Your reaction is very normal because you felt rejected. For the first time, you cared so much for a woman you didn't care that she has an STD. If you call her up now, she'll just do the same thing because she likes the attention you're giving her. I think you deserve so much better. Hang in there and (((HUGS))).
Summerday Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 Hang in there Olebrogan! You have been through a very hurtful situation and everything your feeling is very normal. It always get worse before it gets better, but when it gets better it's even better then it was before it went bad. You sound like a great guy, and this woman is going to regret every hurtful thing she did and said to you. Regret is one of the hardest emotions to deal with. By the time she reaches this point, you might be over her, and that will only make things more difficult for her. (atleast I hope your over her). I've been there, I hurt someone really bad not too long ago, and if God gave me the gift to go back in time and change only ONE thing in my life it would the hurt that I caused one man. It's not easy to live with remorse, and I would never wish it on anyone. All you can do is take it as a lesson learned and never repeat it. It's easier to just be honest and upfront. Good luck to you, and remember you WILL meet another woman whom you will love more then you loved her. I know it's hard to believe and accept right now, but it's true... you will see. Good luck and hang in there...
padparadscha Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 why does your post sound like me? I read your words and I see me in your entire story. I feel so badly for you because I know how utterly hard it is to accept yourself for doing things you know are not healthy. You see, I think you don't love her. I think you know what she is all about and your simply feeling rejected and so bad that you put your all into her and your very best was not good enough. Now, crushed by the realization that life and people can be so unfair, you can't find comfort in anything but the "What If's". When you get to this point you consider changing something around and trying again, grateful that the other person is willing to change with you (FOR THE MOMENT). Such a painful cycle because you wind up feeling like there is hope. There may even be hope for a while, but the harsh reality is you hooked up with someone incompatible, who is not capable of meeting your needs. It is my life story. Such a painful story. I never seem to learn my lesson. Which is probably why reading your post made me cry for your pain. I can only tell you what others have told me (BUT IT HAS NOT HELPED)----LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LEAVE. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO NOT CARE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT CARE FOR YOU. Easier to right and say than to actually do for some of us, I know, but the alternative is to live so many days with the pain and the tears and the unhealthy uneasiness.
olebrogan Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 I just want to say thanks for you guys responding to my post. This is the most difficult situation I have been in that I can remember and you all have shown alot of insight. In scanning the other posts on here it is comforting to know that I am not alone and that even though it stinks that people go through this, that knowledge helps make a step towards moving on. I think the fact that you all picked up on my rejection and the hurt i feel in that, to be very true. Its is a very hard thing to love someone and know that its an unhealthy thing. Walking away has proven to be close to an imposability. I find myself wanting to call her or email her but I hold myself off. I keep telling myself all the negative things so that I may get through it. I am not a person to hate anyone but I have tried to hate her because it hurts me so much... but could not. It is a baffleing thing how we keep going back to those that mistreat us. It is a hard pill to accept not being wanted. It causes so much self doubt and kills your confidence. I have realized that this isnt my fault and that I can walk away knowing that I tried with all I had, to do the right thing. My effort was true. She is the one that has the problems with herself that she needs to work out. I just hope that I can one day find a person that I can love that wont take me for granted. A person with the good qualities I admired in this woman. I have so much love to give..but now I know it must be to the right person. The world can be a lonely place.
TZ Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 Olebrogan, I read your initial post and it brought tears to my eyes. I found myself in a similar situation with a married man; we had a 5-month relationship. He was separated from his wife, and broke up with me to return to her. Your feelings and emotions have made me realize that you are not with the problem, it's her (likewise with him and I). I realize how gut wrenching it is to want to be with someone that you know you love, but that doesn't love you back. I have felt the worst form of self-esteem from thinking that and from wondering, "why doesn't he love me when I love him?". I changed my lifestyle for him, was with him a lot of the times (whenever he wanted me to), I hung out less with my friends--in fact, didn't see them for the 5 month duration of our relationship. I have now regained a bit of self-confidence. It takes time. It's been 6 weeks of no contact. Funny thing is, the no-contact rule has been the easiest for me to do. I just didn't have any desire to contact him. I was tired of begging (he wanted to break up twice before and I cried and begged) and I told him at last that I would beg no more. But I cried endlessly on my own. I am thankful that I have good friends who heard me out and who regularly check up on me to see how I'm doing. Healing takes time. Don't rush into changing your life. You have been scarred and it will take a long time to heal. Depending on your circumstances or your emotions or your feelings, the healing may not take too long. It's very personal. There's no real "guide". Get in touch with your feelings, write them out, think out loud, just don't act on them (like wanting to contact). Check out this site "How to survive the loss of love": http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm Save the pages offline and read them over and over. Know that with pain comes wisdom. Focus on yourself and love yourself. Above all, be gentle with yourself. My ex said that nothing I said or did would make a difference (he was extremely jealous and possessive, with lots of baggage). I'm starting to believe that a lot of the issues that he saw as problems in the relationship were coming from his insecurity. And here I was blaming myself and bending over backwards to please him whenever anything in my behavior displeased him. I didn't realize how much I was suffering emotionally. I numbed the pain and thought he would change and the pain would go away. It got worse, but I tried to placate it by playing nice and putting myself second to him. Like you, I also did the car thing. Except I wasn't drinking. But I was speeding and dodging traffic like a maniac. All this while playing the stereo at top volume. I didn't get caught and I got home safe. But if anything had gone wrong, I could have been badly injured if not killed. Little by little you will start being more gentle with yourself and torturing yourself less and less with unhealthy thoughts. Comfort yourself in knowing that there's a lesson to learn about yourself and other people. Only you will know what that lesson is.
olebrogan Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 Tz I want to thank you for the link you posted. It did help me enormously to get through today. I have been trying to just let go..trying to realize that I will get through the hurt I feel right now. Every moment it seems is a struggle. My thoughts keep going back to her and all he things she said to me and how they werent true.. they were just words. I know that she is confused and has real problems with self love but what I cant understand ... why treat me as she did. what dId I do wrong?. i only wanted to help her. I drove around at lunch today and it became so very obvious to me that everywhere I go I see somethng of her. i knew i shouldnt have but I drove to the spot we used to meet for lunch..we called it the bush. Its a park that has a dug out etc.. we used to just hang in the dugout all the time. I sat there and looked around and just let all my feelings come to the surface.. all I could do is break down. I couldnt stop.I just wish that I could hear her call me the pet name she made for me (its corny but it made me smile..it was bunny). Today I am weak .. I almost gave in to myself and called her. I resisted.. it took every bit of will power I had left but I didnt call her. I know that I can not call her as I know that she doesnt care for me or about me..what would be the point. I never expected to feel this way about her nor did i plan it..it was something that just happened. Now I am paying for it. I have a huge gap in my life without her. I am sad. I have my house to myself tonight..I am gonna get drunk. At least for a while I will be numb. I am not feeling very strong right now.. I could use a hug! The tears of my heart are staining my soul....
TZ Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 Glad to hear that you found the link I posted useful. It has helped me tremendously. For the first few days I read it and the little poetic tidbits interspersed among the advice brought me to tears. The process you are going through is painful, but you must go through it. The tears of your heart are not staining your soul; rather, they are cleansing your soul. Let the grieving process take its time. Then the healing will begin. Just don't rush into anything too soon just for the sake of "getting out there". It may not work for you and you will not be letting yourself heal properly. It will be like shortcutting your healing process, you know what I mean? I found that when I drank a bit, I often thought more about him and started to cry. The tears are necessary. Let yourself go. Just don't overdo the drinking part. As far as going to the places where you used to hang out, well, try not to do that too much. If you don't have to go to the park for other reasons, then don't go. I found myself going to the WalMart in the next town just so that I don't accidentally bump into him at the one closest to me. I know it's stupid, but I couldn't trust myself to behave a certain way if I saw him. (You know, sometimes you make up in your mind an idea of how you're going to behave if you saw your ex, then you end up acting another way when it actually happens.) So I'd rather avoid the avoidable confrontations for now. If I saw him now (6 weeks after the breakup), I would be polite and civil, and move on. I think I can manage that. I also immersed myself more in my work. Worked late hours. I also cried at work. Couldn't help it. Miraculously, too, my friends came back into my life. They started calling me (even the ones that wondered about my whereabouts) and we started making plans to get together. I'm thankful that they came back to me, even though I neglected them for so long. I am now starting to see my ex for what he really was (or is). Nothing I could do would change things. I'm not sure if I want him back in my life, given what I've only now been able to rationalize. (You can see my story in other threads.) You probably cannot rationalize right now, since you are still emotionally vulnerable. It's a gradual process to be able to think with a clear head after you've been emotionally hit. I know how deep you are hurting and how traumatized you must be from the whole experience.
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