just saw him with his girlfriend riding bikes when he wouldn't look at a bike with me

[nature]

Ugh...I just went out walking my dog and my ex fiance and his girlfriend rode by me on their bikes looking all happy on a sunshiney day.

 

I posted a week and a half ago because I got a call out of nowhere from him last wednesday night but he didn't leave a message, so I never called back.

 

We were engaged and together over 3 years. We split up 3 years ago but kept in touch the first year after. Stupid. Then he got another girlfriend who he's been with for 2 years now, and I haven't heard from him since, except for a week and a half ago.

 

Why does it hurt so much to see them together? Why wouldn't he ride bikes with me and do those things with me. It was like pulling teeth to get him to go do outdoorsy things with me that i wanted to do. He was always running off golfing with his friends, etc. Now he's got a bike and they are riding together and looking so happy.

 

It makes me feel like such a loser and a failure. Like I was just nothign and not worthy of anything. we broke up because he proposed, we were engaged and he coudln't get to the alter, let alone move in with me. We were together over 3 years and still not living togehter. He started drinking more with his friends and blowing me off, running scared. I had to leave.

 

But it hurts like hell.

[january2011]

I'm sorry it hurts. I think that a lot of the pain from break-ups is from the loss of the dreams and hopes that you created with that person and in your head.

 

Seeing them fulfil those dreams and hopes with someone else hurts deeply because you feel like they were taken from you and given to someone else. It seems unfair.

 

Sometimes, when we refuse to do things with our partner in a relationship, it's not because we don't want to do those things, it's because of the resentment towards that partner. We are not open to the messenger and therefore, we are not open to the message. That's why it's different when it's with someone else. We are open to the messenger and therefore, open to the message.

 

Though I think it sounds like you dodged a bullet. The relationship wasn't going where you wanted it to go and you had to leave.

 

What it might be difficult to realise right now is that you can still do those things, just with someone else. Someone better suited to you who will want to do all those things that you propose and with enthusiasm.

Edited October 15, 2011 by january2011

[Forever Learning]

I am sorry for your pain. I don't know why they will do things with later girlfriends that they wouldn't do with previous girlfriends.

 

My ex I was with for 7 years in my twenties would never let me have a cat, he swore he was allergic and couldn't tolerate cats whatsoever.

 

After we broke up, with subsequent girlfriends, he had cats.

 

Plural.

 

Lots of fun furry critters, just like what I wanted but wasn't allowed to have.

 

Who knows why some of them do what they do. They're crazy? Cruel? Possibly.

 

Time to stop thinking about it and move on. Keep yourself distracted by reading around here and helping others. Good luck and all the best.

[nature]

Thank you January and Forever. I already feel better. I little time and distance and I feel back to normal again, like it was just a dream. Thanks so much. You are so right. He was in a diff place in his life back then. I get it.

[nature]

Plus, something else a friend said to me. I was very challenging to him. A challenge to get and challenged him throughout the relationship. Apparently she is not challenging and agrees with everything he says and goes along with everything he wants to do, and somewhat worships him, which I did not. I loved him, but I spoke my mind, and if something wasn't fitting to me, I said no. He did not like that in the end.

[january2011]

You were being you. When the right person comes along, you won't be invisible to him because you will be true to yourself.

[nature]

Thank you January. You are right. Somehow I knew this way back when i mustered up the strength to break our engagement and leave him. I knew I deserved someone who loved my strength and individuality, and who adored me for being my own person, and not just following along. Thank you for the reminder that I'm ok. He started putting me down so much at the end of our relationship, that I think when i see him looking so happy now, its just a reminder of his put downs and insults to me, and it hurts. I get this fleeting moment of post traumatic stress where I go back to believing everything he said and feel like he deserves to be happier than me. Which I know is so wrong because I was so good to him and did love him with all my heart. I would have done anything for him, and was so faithfully loyal and adoring of him. But I wouldn't just follow along allowing him to dictate the way everything was going to be. I know he hated that about me.

[january2011]

You know that's okay. He's got a new girlfriend now and he's her 'problem'. Perhaps they are more compatible, who knows? Who cares?

 

You are living your life.

[nature]

I care because it hurts so much seeing him looking so happy with someone else. Yes, I know this is pathetic. But it's the truth. It hurts. It makes me jealous. It makes me want to scream at him for hurting me. Ugh. But i won't. I will ride it out as I always have and stay quiet and leave it well alone. THanks January.

[Sugarkane]

I also wonder why they do this sort of BS too. Mack where are you? We need you to answer this!

[broken-and-lost]

it's a simple answer really if you look at it from the outside.

 

He lost you he doesn't want to make the same mistakes with his new girl so if she likes biking and being outdoors he is going to make sure he allows time to do the things she likes, rather then risk losing someone and hurting them again.

 

I would not repeat the mistakes i made in my last relationship, would i like to prove to my ex things are different and i would take more time to make sure she was happy and we did more of the things she liked yes i would, but if i can never get her back, then when my broken heart mends i will never repeat some of the things i did wrong to lose her in the first place.

 

I'm sorry for your pain i know how hard it is to watch the other person move on and you feel why do i not get to be happy too.

[nature]

Thanks Broken...I'm feeling alot better and have put things in perspective. We didn't ride bikes, but we went walking, hiking, snowboarding and on my boat all the time. He doesn't have a boat, I know she doesn't snowboard, so they bike together. I was being silly.

 

Plus, yes he was freaking angry at me after our breakup. He was very spiteful the first six months. Then tried to get me back and I was too hurt and angry at him. We had been engaged for 3 years, and still weren't living together and anytime the topic of actually moving in together and getting married came up, he freaked out. He did not want our relationship to progress and move forward. Therefore, I couldn't stay in it. It was going nowhere. He is 43 years old and never been married of lived with anyone.

 

He expected me to follow he and his friends around doing whatever he wanted. I wouldn't. I am too strong minded and an individual. I wouldn't conform to his lifestyle the way he wanted me too. The only other times I see he and his girlfriend, are when there is a pack of he and about 8 of his friends out, and his girlfriend. I wouldn't play that game and be the girlfriend who just goes to pubs adn bars with his friends. Not my thing. I needed mutual. Come the weekend, he would TELL me the plans. Not ask me or consider what i wanted to do. We became very incompatible.

 

Plus he drank too much. Everything had to involve booze. So many times this summer on a beautiful day I have boated by this restaurant on the water out enjoying the lake and sunshine. There i have seen on a saturday and sunday, he sitting on the patio wtih his buddies having drinks, with his girlfriend. I am too active, and couldn't even fathom wasting a beautiful summer day sitting on a patio getting drunk. I drink, but not to that extent.

 

He holds spite towards me. He was angry i left. He thought I should have just hung in there and been patient with him, even tho we were going into our 4th year together and nothing was moving forward. I know he's not living with his new girlfriend either after 2 years together. So I totally see why she is a better match for him. She will go with he and his pack of buddies and sit at bars and pubs all the time. I didn't mind once in awhile, but i have friends too. It should be mutual. I wasn't just going to follow he and his friends around. And he made no effort with my friends. It was all about he and his friends. I refused to live like that. I am not a weak minded doormat.

 

Anyhow, I can see that he is probably happier now. Which is good. Just bizarre that he called me two weeks ago. Oh well. I've let that one go as well.

[broken-and-lost]

hi nature

 

i'm glad you've been able to reflect on it now and see it more clearly, it's always upsetting to see your ex with someone else even if you know they are not right for you.

 

I hope it was only a temporary set back for you.

[nature]

Thanks so much Broken! Yes, I feel really good again. It was a minor blip but it has passed. Besides I was laughing to myself today thinking back to the other day and seeing them riding. He was ahead of her by at least a block, and she came panting along after him. He was just racing on riding in what my mind, was too far away. And if he had been like that with me, I would have been pissed off and thought it was rude and ungentlemanly. lol So no doubt she is better suited for him. I would have probably told him he was a rude a**hole for riding way off ahead of me, and not sticking together. That's me. My rights and wrong. I grew up with a very gentlemanly dad and was raised with high etiquette. So I would have told him he was an idiot if he'd done that to me. No wonder he's probably happier now! lol And he deserves to be happy.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm... if he called you last week then he's not as happy as you might think.

 

Besides, looks are deceiving. If he was so happy then the last thing on his mind would have been contacting you.

[nature]

Thx DuckDuck. I have tried to figure out why he would have called. it was 6:30 in the eve, not a late night type call. The only thing I can possibly think is that a week before I'd run into one of our mutual friends I've known forever, and we were talking and I told him my dad had just been diagnosed with bad cancer. I am wondering if he would have been calling me having heard that, as he loved my dad? Still, I think it a bit strange to call even over that. As we have not spoken in 2 years, and he is in a relationship.