Blindsided she broke off our engagement out of nowhere! !

[cbsoul223]

A little background...

 

I met her right out of high school. I'm almost 7 years older than her. We were together while she was in college and she never got to hang out and be a stupid young college kid cuz I was with her. We got engaged in 09 after dating for 7 years cuz she mentioned she wanted to a ring. We bought a house together last year (which she wanted) cuz the market was OK and rates were low. So been engaged for 2 years and last month I find her home early from work on bed weeping. She said she couldn't do it anymore. I asked what? She said I'm not the man she fell in love with. I asked about the ring and the house and she said I thought it would make me closer to you. Also said I see you more as a friend than a fiancee. Which is horrible cuz I used to rock her world back in the day before my 2nd job started taking time away from me and her.

 

More...

 

In August, we started having these big talks about the future. She mentioned she was never independent cuz she was always financially dependent on me until she started working. She said she was never young and dumb and didn't do crazy stuff. I work heavily on the weekends in the summer. (band) I also work for a major insurance company during the week. I work my ass off. There are times we don't get to hang out. I told her in May I'd see her in Sept jokingly. She always said that we work so well together cuz we don't smother each other. She started hanging out with a new group of girlfriends who are all older married with kids. They love dancing. I'm an old soul hippy and she was the same when I met her. We'd go see live music all the time.

 

During our talks it seemed like she was taking a moral inventory of the reasons to leave me. I was just being me with my responses and didn't think anything of her heart being on the line. I'm a sensitive guy but I think I through my defenses up when I should've really been digging deep with her.

 

We haven't had much sex in the past few years. I blame myself for not romancing her enough. I mentioned in a letter I wrote her about her pain issues. I'm over 6'1" and she's like 5'2". She must've felt like this is gonna be a routine and I can't do it anymore. In retrospect the letter was a bad idea.

 

She now wants to do her own thing, be herself and live on her own. She mentioned moving near a big city to find work that will pay more and pursue her phD...in psychology. She has her masters and a bunch of professional licenses.

 

This is a good start. I've talked to a therapist and he agreed we have to do something about the house.

 

Everyone says give her space and don't contact her but she acts like a different person/stranger around me. Totally disconnected all feeling and emotions she's ever had for me. She stays with friends 5 days out of the week and stays in a separate bedroom at our house the other 2. She'll do laundry and pretty much pack up a travel bag. That's the only time I see her.

 

I've always been the best thing that ever happened to her. Vice versa. I know saying it and doing it is completely different.

 

This was such a one sided decision. I never got the shape up or ship out talk. All I want to do is sit with her and talk about OUR feelings and emotions and stuff I need to change about myself. I know I'm the man she fell in love with. It's just like she stopped believing it and started telling her relationship problems to her new friends.

 

What's my next move or should I add more information? I wanted to write her another letter with everything she brought up to me in the past year that has stuck in my head and may have been huge signs I missed but don't want to push her further away. I hear random people who know the story say "Oh, she'll be back." But she's different than other girls. She lost faith in God in high school and mentioned in out talks that she was having an existential crisis - meaning she felt she was living an unauthentic life with a house, 2 dogs in the burbs and a nice rock on her finger. She mentioned she needs to find her true self as she's been influenced by me for so long. She may get out there and be completely lost and next thing is living in a different world where I'm no where involved in it.

 

In our talks in Aug she looked me dead in the eye and said she wanted to marry me and also said the existential crisis could just be a phase.

 

To go from lovey dovey to stranger at the flip of a switch is a really bothersome. Like an identity crisis.

 

Any help, suggestions, comments besides move on and forget about her is welcomed. I've been a part of her family for almost a decade.

 

C

[The_Good_Me]

Hey C

 

First thing I just want to say how sorry I am that you're going through this and want you to know I know exactly what you're going through. Our stories are very similar!

 

Quick run down, I am 5 years older than my ex, we met young and were together for 10 years. She didn't go out partying like a normal young woman (though she always told me she wasn't into that!), she wanted to marry me, I proposed to her, she said yes, we got a house, everything was going well and then I got dumped out of the blue 6 months ago. I too didn't get the shape up or ship out talk, just got the whole I love you but not in love with you, I want to find out who I am stuff.

 

She flicked her emotion switch towards me off and it shone through in her messages loud and clear. I realised quickly that I couldn't get her back.

 

The last thing I did was write her a letter apologising for the things I knew at least contributed to the break up, told her that I accepted the break up and the last act of love I can give her is to let her go. I reassured her that I wouldn't do anything stupid like turn to drink, drugs, self harm or commit suicide (I knew she was worried about this through her mum) and I wished her well in life. It tore me apart writing that letter but I knew it was over, didn't like that it was over but realised that she is a human being who has the right to do as she pleases even if it meant it hurt me. I truly only want her to be happy and I put her feelings above my own. I am proud and happy that I could do that for her even though it's left me heartbroken.

 

I too have had family members say "oh she'll be back" and I've had to resort to going NC with my mother just to get away from that kind of talk while I'm healing. Family members & friends don't see things in the same way because to them you can do no wrong and your ex is a fool for letting you go. You're so amazing that one day that ex will realise and come running back! It's nice that they see us like that but at the end of the day it's a biased opinion which is essentially useless! Having hope that they're going to come back one day is one of the main things to stop a person from healing.

 

What I have come to realise about my ex is that she has only ever known me. She hasn't had chance to experiment with different types of guys and has only known one way of life. She was always quite dependant financially on me until she got her full time job. She got into a position where she could become self sufficient if she wanted too and I think when it dawned on her, she realised her lifes options were wide open. Why would she want to get tied down with me and not go through life experiencing as much as possible? I'm sure by now she has had at least one other guy in her life, I don't know for sure as I have kept strict full NC for over 5 months but from all the other posts I see on here, I'm convinced she will have.

 

For my ex, if she were to ever come back, I can only see it happening in a few years time when she's finished exploring life and herself but only if she has a run of blokes that don't suit her well. However, I know there are lots of guys that are better looking & better suited to her than me even though I love her with all my heart and soul! she's bound to find one better guy or even a few before she's had her fill of exploring life. By that time I will be a distant memory and she will have the knowledge that there is better than me out there... she will not be back.

 

Whether or not this will be the same for you is yet to be seen. I think it's safe to say though that your ex wants to see what it's like without you and if you try to stop her, it will only push her further away. It's the same mentality of being told "Don't push that button"... it just makes you want to push it even more! "Please stay with me"... it just makes her want to go even more!

 

For now mate, the only thing you should do is give her, her freedom. Initiate NC and work on accepting & healing from this break up. She might come back to you, she might not. The best thing to do is know that chances are slim and you have to work to move on. If you hold onto hope, it will stop you from healing. I'm not saying give up on your hope now as I believe everyone loses it in their own way and in their own time but I honestly think it is something to work towards. The sooner you lose it, the sooner you can start healing properly.

 

It's a really long and hard road with no promise of a better life at the end of it. You just gotta keep going though. The gym really does help especially when you start to notice your body changing. You just naturally feel better about yourself and more confident. I don't necesserily mean use this to go find another girl, I know you're probably not even thinking about other girls right now. You do these things to improve yourself for yourself! It just helps with the healing process.

 

Again I am so sorry you're going through this as I know how much it hurts. I hit serious depression and did actually want to take my own life. Even 6 months down the line I find myself looking over at the big knife in my knife holder and consider just ending it all to escape the pain. Lucky for me I am a coward and would never have the balls to do it and besides I have promised her I won't. I really hope it doesn't hit you as hard as that! The dark days are truly dark!

 

I wish you the very best mate.

[cbsoul223]

Thanks tgm. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I know there is nothing I can say or do andnc is the best advice. She told me while breaking up that I'm perfect and theres nothing wrong with me. Also, I wish I met you 4 years later. Its hard to think that I will never get to sit down with her and go through everything that's been going on in my head the last month. Like I figured it all out but in the end men can't read women's minds. I try to hit the gym 5 days a week and haven't been eating or sleeping much. The fall and winter are naturally depressing too. Uggh man. I'm just trying to surround myself with friends and family as much as possible. Being alone in this big house can be overwhelming when you got nothing but all this going on in your head.

[The_Good_Me]

You're definitely doing the right thing at the moment mate! You have to surround yourself with people that can give you support. When you're alone, you need to find things to do to occupy your mind and take up your time. Sometimes it's really hard to motivate yourself to do things when you're feeling low. You really have to try and force yourself and I found that new things are easier to pick up. For example, if you enjoy video games, get a new one that takes your fancy. If you enjoy reading, buy some new books. I bought myself a new bike! There's a natural thing people have where you feel compelled to use something you just spent money on. Old video games, books or whatever you use to fill your time are harder to pick up. Even though doing things is just a distraction, they're always better than thinking of what was, what could have been and was there anything that you could have done to prevent this outcome.

 

You're going to experience a huge rollercoaster of having days where you cope and there will be a lot of bad days, especially early on in the break up. Little things can remind me of my ex like the other day I saw steam rising from a cup of tea I made. For some reason I just started crying. You'll start missing all the little things like giving her foot rubs, seeing her smile, hearing her voice and all your own personal unique little things. It's the little things that hit the hardest! The best advice I can give you when that happens is just to know that it is natural and don't fight the feelings. Allow them to flow through you like a river even if you're not usually the type. Scream into and punch pillows when you get frustrated (not laptops... the screens break incredibly easily ). Basically just allow yourself to feel it all and let it run its course. I won't say it makes you feel better because I never felt better after a cry or after a scream but the feeling passes more quickly if you allow it to do what it's gotta do.

 

I can say with confidence though that the frequency of the need to have an emotional outburst does decrease in a few weeks or couple of months. I know the days are going to all feel like weeks at the moment for you and I think this is why it's one of the hardest parts of a break up. Keep riding the days and allow yourself to feel. Days eventually start to go at their "normal pace" so at least some normality will be restored in the short term. Long term healing is a different story for everyone though. There's people on here still not over break ups 3 years later and over. I think I'm going to end up joining these people as I know myself and I know this is something that isn't going to heal quickly. It's all down to the circumstances of the break up and the individual really.

 

Something else to prepare for is thinking you have healed and getting your hopes up that you have. I went through month 4 & 5 after the breakup feeling quite positive about my own life and future. Month 6 has took me back several steps though and my thoughts, tears and frustrations are occurring more frequently again. This is just one of the storms on my journey through NC and all I can do is hope it doesn't last.

 

Ride the storms, take the pain, feel the emotions, work on yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, find ways to fill your time. These are things to concentrate on now.

 

One last thing I want to say is a couple of years before my break up, I watched my friend lose his gf in a similar way. He turned to drink and he seemed fine for pretty much a whole year. Me and our group of mates were worried about him in a physical sense of course but we all thought it was actually helping his state of mind because he was "happy". We were naive and very wrong. Eventually he got tired of the hangovers, tired of spending all that money on drink, hated how he looked physically and a whole lot more. He decided enough was enough, he felt he had gone through enough time where he wouldn't feel the pain of the breakup while sober. Unfortunately all the drink actually did was suppress everything for the year! He suddenly found himself at square one and went straight back into depression as if he had just been dumped. All he did was delay the inevitable. Drink is a temporary solution, if you turn to it (which I hope you won't do) then know it is not the cure! You're emotions and feelings are very, VERY patient and will wait endlessly until you're sober enough for their voices to be heard.

 

Again I wish you the best of luck! Stay strong buddy and you will get through it!