DarianFrey Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Hey LS! Hang in there, this might get long. My girlfriend broke up with me October 3. The last few weeks of our relationship had been pretty bad, partly due to these reasons: - I repeatedly (and stupidly) told her that I wanted to study abroad, in Canada. - Her family was going through a really rough patch (her dad was kicked out after he did some horrible things). Naturally, she was pretty affected by this. - I didn't really listen to her worries about certain things I was doing, she felt that I didn't listen to her. - Towards the end I was kinda selfish, but I still cared about her much, just maybe not in the same way as in the beginning of our relationship. 2 days after she broke up, I called her up and said I felt uncertain about studying in Canada and that I was sorry for not listening to her worries about me. She cried and said this made her uncertain about her decision, but she couldn't straight out tell me if she wanted me back, so I said unless you want to work things out, don't call me... and I hung up. Bad move, but I was very emotional. 2 days after that I hadn't heard from her, and of course I caved in and sent her a text, said I wanted to change, I wanted to make her feel appreciated like she did during the first year of our relationship and how much she meant to me. She responded that she needed to find herself, that we are too different etc. I simply responded "Ok, no hard feelings. I really hope you have a good life. :)" Since then, there's been no contact and I also deleted her from Facebook. Might have made her sad, but I needed that, and our mutual friends (+ her brother and sister) have not deleted me. Also, she tried logging in to my Facebook account 4 days after our last text. The week before the break-up, when I revealed I had thoughts about studying for 3 years in Canada, she said "Well, then maybe it's best that we break up now so we don't fall even more in love" whilst tears streamed down her cheeks. We both thought long and hard about it and decided against it, and made good love that night, so I feel like she didn't break up because she lost her feelings. I know there wasn't another guy involved at the time of our break up. Been in NC for 8 days now, and plan to remain like that for a month, then ask her out for a coffee. I love her and miss her SO much, I'd rather break every bone in my body than endure this mental suffering. I feel like there might still be a chance here, but I don't know. What do you guys think? PS. I'm 20, she's 18 and we're both our first loves and everything. we were together 16 months. If there's anything else you want to know, please tell me.
thatone Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 there might be but you'll think of more in the time away. the issues you didn't see will become apparent, and you'll more honestly assess them. maybe you'll still want her back, maybe you won't. it takes time alone to figure that stuff out.
Author DarianFrey Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks for the reply! Yes, everyone I've spoken with agree that time is the key, resulting in either moving on or giving it a second shot. She needs to miss me and realize what life without me is like, and I need to contemplate if I really want her back. Then again, when girls break up, I've heard that they've been playing it on repeat in their heads for a long time... I love this girl so much, this time apart has made me realize that, I just hope she misses me as well. At least she's not out partying away her feelings for me, she's spending most of her time with friends and family from what I've heard. NC is f*cking brutal and cathartic at the same time. I'm singing and playing guitar like never before. Heartbreak brings out your emotional and artistic side, I guess that's positive-ish.
Author DarianFrey Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 Any further input would be greatly appreciated! Also, if your story is similar to mine (GF felt like she invested more into the relationship, felt unloved & broke up) and you got her back, please tell.
Author DarianFrey Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 (Is it okay to use this thread as a sort of diary?) Woke up today and something had changed. I still miss her like crazy, but for the first time in weeks I feel happy... Happy that I'm doing good at university, happy for my artistic side and just... happy. I'm beginning to see things in a new light, the things about me that led to our relationship's downfall. I'm not the same guy she fell in love with, but I'm not the same guy she left either. I'm turning my life around. During this time apart, I haven't felt anger toward her for a second. I totally get why she broke up, and I regret that I acted emotional at the end. I shouldn't have removed her from Facebook, just unsubscribed from her feeds. I'm thinking of adding her again, no message or anything, just add her and show her I'm not bitter. 10 days of NC.
joseph17 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I had a similar situation with my ex girlfriend. I just gave her what she wanted and stopped neglecting her emotions. I think that is where you messed up is in that time of need with things going on in her family you were not there for her. And as petty as you think it may be at the time it was important to her for you to be there for her and you weren't. It sucks that one incident like this can ruin a good relationship but we all learn from our mistakes. And I am glad to here you went on to go to collage as this will get you further in life than being stuck on a girl. When you have the opportunity to better your life you take it. If she really wanted to be with you then a conversation of her coming with you should have been brought up not just lets part ways. I understand you are both young but sometimes love last when put through certain obstacles like you both moving together to better your lives together. Keep up the good work and keep your head strong. If you were meant to be she will come back to you.
Author DarianFrey Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks for the kind words man. I was there for her, just not enough, what with everything in school etc. I regret not making more time for her! I'm not from the US, I'm from Sweden, should've made that clear. Been in NC for 10 days now, and it goes up and down... I'm thinking of re-adding her on Facebook (big deal to uss young adults!), just to show her that though the door isn't open, it's "unlocked"... But IDK, it was I who removed her, might look weak.
PositiveNegative Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Sorry bout your loss bro. Yeah, don't think it would be a good idea to re-add her on Facebook. Think of this. If she is with a new guy or a new guy is clearly hitting on her there how would you feel? No good I presume. You aren't bitter now but if you find that out how will you feel? So don't do it. You would only be tempted to find out what is going on in her life. Also, go abroad man. You are not with her anymore so go to Canada! It will make you forget her much faster than if you stayed there. Good luck with the healing! It will take time but you will feel better!
Author DarianFrey Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 So you also think it's a bad idea to contact her after a month of NC? Just to ask her out for a coffee, catch up and have a good time, show her I can change? Been reading too many "Get your ex back"-books I guess. Also, she isn't dating AFAIK.
jordjones Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I don't know if a month is a long enough period of time to get your head on straight enough to be able to show change. For some people it might be; for the average LS poster, probably not. I haven't seen my ex in about 3 months now. Have been Low Contact, after over 2 months NC. We have said that we will meet up soon, though. I think a huge key to getting back with your ex (particularly when she is the dumper), is to not put any pressure on her whatsoever. You have to let her know that you'll be fine with or without her. So when you have coffee, lunch, or whatever, you're going to have to reignite attraction gradually, and be OK with it. In other words, you can't let her know that the lack of physical intimacy is getting to you; instead, you have to give off the vibe that her sexual powers have little effect on you. The trick is to reignite attraction over time, while not getting "friend zoned." I'm not an expert on this, but I think a key here is to not give her too much of your time/self while you are reigniting attraction. Also, I'd shoot her down if she says anything along the lines of, "It's great that we can be friends..." Respond to this by grabbing her ass, stating, "We're not friends..." and then don't talk to her for at least a month. lol. In all seriousness, there is a delicate window of opportunity in a situation like this. GL
Author DarianFrey Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Well, I'm taking baby steps in changing. For example, one of the reasons I didn't want to hang out with her so much the last months was that I started playing video games. I've stopped that now, which opens up more time for guitar playing, meeting friends and other stuff. I feel this break-up happened in complete contrast to what others on this site experiences; I was totally non-needy, not jealous at all during our relationship and not obsessive (except the 2 attempts to get her back after she broke up, but they weren't outrageously clingy). NC for 12 days.
flitzanu Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 so it was all your fault, the breakup? if you were a totally different person she'd have stayed with you?
Author DarianFrey Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 so it was all your fault, the breakup? if you were a totally different person she'd have stayed with you? If I hadn't (d)evolved to the selfish person I became during the last months of our relationship I bet she'd been as happy as when we first met. All I wanted to do a month ago was play video games, hang out with friends, read books and play guitar, while seeing her during weekends. During this period she had very much to cope with, and I thought spending weekends with her, talking about what was going on in her life and loving her was enough, but I guess I got too comfortable.
tommycapnpants Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 yea, i guess it is a fine line between too much attention and not enough. i can understand your desire to study abroad. i did a semester in china a few years back i thought everything was hunky dory, but after being there for a month, my ex at the time left me. she pretty much left me because i did not give her enough attention. i dedicated all my spare time to school. she had already graduated from uni, so although she could commiserate, she still felt left out. how long do you plan on keeping nc?
Author DarianFrey Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 I plan on keeping NC for 30 days (day 13 today). She isn't dating as far as I know, I think this break-up takes a toll on her as well, so that's a positive sign I guess. After 30 days, I plan on simply calling her up, chit-chat about light topics and then ask her out for a coffee to catch up. Of course, I'm planning for the worst and hoping for the best; that she won't answer or just decline the invitation. If so, then I can truly move on.
Author DarianFrey Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 So I met my ex's sister at Uni today. We've been classmates since high school, she's friendly and easy to talk to. We chatted for close to 2 hours and all felt good, and since I've been feeling good the last few days and feel I'm over the worst period after the break-up, I simply told her to wish her sister (my ex) and mom well. I think she noticed I'm better now as well. So, NC not really broken but just a casual "hope you're well" sent to her through her sister. Actually felt good after that and didn't care if I got a reply, but later her sister said my ex wished me well too. I just said "cool" and was actually cool. It's all about the small steps.
flitzanu Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 If I hadn't (d)evolved to the selfish person I became during the last months of our relationship I bet she'd been as happy as when we first met. All I wanted to do a month ago was play video games, hang out with friends, read books and play guitar, while seeing her during weekends. During this period she had very much to cope with, and I thought spending weekends with her, talking about what was going on in her life and loving her was enough, but I guess I got too comfortable. right?!!!! i mean it makes sense that YOU were totally to blame. oh wait, or maybe she knows you love her and she can say the ****tiest things to you and convince you it's your fault and then she can walk away feeling blame free. but no, girls wouldn't do that. seriously dude. it's the biggest load of nonsense to leave a girl's mouth. she wanted to leave, plain and simple. if you started being "everything" she wanted, she still would have left. you won't believe me, and that's fine, but if you keep pursuing it like you're going to convince her you've changed, i think you're setting yourself up for more pain.
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