Heartbroken AND the other woman, all in two months.

[yeszombie]

I joined this site because my ex of three years left me and I have nobody to talk to about it. I posted that story in the break up forum. But there's more to my love life than my ex.

I started a new job just after my ex left me two months ago, and my manager is a really nice guy. I didn't like him straight away, not like that, he has a girlfriend and she is pregnant.

But about a month ago, he started to tell me things like he couldn't stop thinking about me and so on. I had two friends from work over and he showed up too, after I invited him. He turned his phone off and ended up staying the night. He asked me if he could kiss me and I said I didn't think it was right, but about two hours later - he did kiss me and we ended up sleeping together. Prior to this i couldn't imagine ever kissing anyone other than my ex, who I do love and have loved for three years. But I ended up falling asleep with him hugging me and I was happy for the first time since my ex left.

Since then, we have been sleeping together and I really like him. His girlfriend found out through someone - we don't know who - and my manager and I denied it. She is still with him, they are due their baby very soon and he told me that he thinks he has to stay with her in order to see his unborn child. She told me that if she found out it was true that we'd been seeing one another that she would not allow him to see his child.

Last week we were sleeping together and he jumped away and said 'I can't do this'. For a week it stopped, then yesterday he came to my house.

He asked me why I had 'made him wait' and I said that I hadn't, that I was confused because he told me he couldn't do this anymore?

 

What is going on? The only time I don't think about my ex is when I'm with my manager. And when I'm not with my manager, I think about my ex.

 

What is wrong with me?

[woinlove]

It is too bad that you lied to his gf. I think you should tell her the truth. If you tell the truth, you may end up with him full time, if that is what you want.

 

Babies need care and love and this man does not seem like he is mature enough for that responsibility. The mother can take better care of the baby if she knows what reality she is dealing with. You explained on another thread what a devious liar this man is, so who knows what his gf said to him about the baby. In any case, unless he is unfit, he has legal rights to his child, so that is not the issue here.

 

It can't feel good, having lied to a pregnant woman about the father and you, knowing how good a liar he is too. You can choose honesty if you want.

[ffw]

Two things:

 

1) You are not clearly over your ex. Even if you enter a relationship now its going to be a rebound one.

 

2) This guy is typical case of having cake & eating it too. He is using you or shall I say you both are using each other for personal benefits. For argument sake, even if you got in a relationship with me, what makes you think he won't repeat the same things with someone else?

[fellhard4u]

Yeszombie, I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

You are clearly still reeling from the break-up with your ex and the fact that your manager took advantage of your vulnerable situation makes his actions all the more reprehensible and of a predatory nature.

 

It seems that the push and pull game that OW/OM have to endure when being involved with a MM/MW has begun. Please take the time to go through the OW/OM section here at LS and you will see that this is a very typical situation and one that often leaves the OW/OM emotionally disoriented and destroyed. As a former OW, I can tell you that the yo-yoing is only going to get worse and is most likely going to continue to increase your confusion and cause you unmentionable pain.

 

Also, the fact that he denied you when asked by his GF signals that he has no intention to "stand by you" if the sh** hits the fan - and believe me, it will. He will most likely throw you under the bus and you will be left wondering how he could have done this to you and why you allowed him to do this to you.

 

The fact that the two of you work together adds another level of complication to you situation: your new job should be a place which signifies a new healthy beginning after your break-up with your ex. It seems that your workplace should be an area where you feel safe and which gives you an opportunity to regroup after the break-up. It has now become "poluted".

 

In addition, the fact that your manager is your superior is something that has the potential of ending badly for you and for your professional future. Eventhough you would actually have grounds to report him for sexual harassment (not saying that you have to do that), even if you could prove this, it would most likely be you who will have to leave the job.

 

It's likely that he will get away with a slap on the wrist at work and, after having thrown you under the bus and destroyed your reputation as being a stalker who threw herself at him (GF will support that version of the story since she has to justify to herself and others why she is staying with the guy) the pain from the whole experience will be 100 times worse than what you are feeling now after your break-up with your ex.

 

Please read here and see for yourself how these A's keep affecting the exOW/OM for a long time after they are over.

 

You are going through a painful time in your life and ideally you should be doing things which are self-nurturing and surround yourself with those who mean well. While the feeling of loving and being loved is something that we naturally associate with something good and positive, the situation you are in with your manager, is unhealthy and has the potential to drag you down to a place of unimaginable emotional pain.

 

I am writing this from the perspective of someone who has BTDT and I don't wish this on anyone.

 

I am sending you hugs.

[whichwayisup]

You said it first. What is wrong with you?

 

Why can't you stick to your reasonings of saying NO? You allowed this guy to take advantage of you, knowing FULL well he has a girlfriend and she is pregnant with their child..Yet you still went ahead and allowed him to kiss you, have sex with you.

 

So, she found out and you two LIED about it. He is confused, you are confused and the mother of his soon to be child IS stressing out because she figures something has happened and you two are treating her like a fool.

 

Back off and say goodbye. It isn't your place to interfer or get involved. they are about to become a family so find your inner strength and tell him GOODBYE. If you don't do this, you're inviting pain and drama into your life.

[yeszombie]

Thank you so much for your reply. I so miss my ex, so much. I just feel better when my manager is around because I'm no longer focusing on the ex. I don't know how to get out of this... How did you do it? X

 

Yeszombie, I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

You are clearly still reeling from the break-up with your ex and the fact that your manager took advantage of your vulnerable situation makes his actions all the more reprehensible and of a predatory nature.

 

It seems that the push and pull game that OW/OM have to endure when being involved with a MM/MW has begun. Please take the time to go through the OW/OM section here at LS and you will see that this is a very typical situation and one that often leaves the OW/OM emotionally disoriented and destroyed. As a former OW, I can tell you that the yo-yoing is only going to get worse and is most likely going to continue to increase your confusion and cause you unmentionable pain.

 

Also, the fact that he denied you when asked by his GF signals that he has no intention to "stand by you" if the sh** hits the fan - and believe me, it will. He will most likely throw you under the bus and you will be left wondering how he could have done this to you and why you allowed him to do this to you.

 

The fact that the two of you work together adds another level of complication to you situation: your new job should be a place which signifies a new healthy beginning after your break-up with your ex. It seems that your workplace should be an area where you feel safe and which gives you an opportunity to regroup after the break-up. It has now become "poluted".

 

In addition, the fact that your manager is your superior is something that has the potential of ending badly for you and for your professional future. Eventhough you would actually have grounds to report him for sexual harassment (not saying that you have to do that), even if you could prove this, it would most likely be you who will have to leave the job.

 

It's likely that he will get away with a slap on the wrist at work and, after having thrown you under the bus and destroyed your reputation as being a stalker who threw herself at him (GF will support that version of the story since she has to justify to herself and others why she is staying with the guy) the pain from the whole experience will be 100 times worse than what you are feeling now after your break-up with your ex.

 

Please read here and see for yourself how these A's keep affecting the exOW/OM for a long time after they are over.

 

You are going through a painful time in your life and ideally you should be doing things which are self-nurturing and surround yourself with those who mean well. While the feeling of loving and being loved is something that we naturally associate with something good and positive, the situation you are in with your manager, is unhealthy and has the potential to drag you down to a place of unimaginable emotional pain.

 

I am writing this from the perspective of someone who has BTDT and I don't wish this on anyone.

 

I am sending you hugs.

[yeszombie]

You said it first. What is wrong with you?

 

Why can't you stick to your reasonings of saying NO? You allowed this guy to take advantage of you, knowing FULL well he has a girlfriend and she is pregnant with their child..Yet you still went ahead and allowed him to kiss you, have sex with you.

 

So, she found out and you two LIED about it. He is confused, you are confused and the mother of his soon to be child IS stressing out because she figures something has happened and you two are treating her like a fool.

 

Back off and say goodbye. It isn't your place to interfer or get involved. they are about to become a family so find your inner strength and tell him GOODBYE. If you don't do this, you're inviting pain and drama into your life.

 

I allowed him to kiss me because it felt better than going to bed without the man I love every night, who left me because he's a drug taking cheat. I just didn't want to be alone - and this guy likes me. Right?

[yeszombie]

Two things:

 

1) You are not clearly over your ex. Even if you enter a relationship now its going to be a rebound one.

 

2) This guy is typical case of having cake & eating it too. He is using you or shall I say you both are using each other for personal benefits. For argument sake, even if you got in a relationship with me, what makes you think he won't repeat the same things with someone else?

 

What makes you think I'm using him? Out of curiosity? And what for?

Re what makes me think he won't repeat this behaviour - I don't think I want to be with him. I think I do but then other times, I think not!?

[Gentlegirl]

Hello

 

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so crazy and confused.

 

I agree with th others that you jumped into a rebound thing. Sometimes, it stops the pain you feel about your x.

 

That's only temporary though. Unfortunately, you have to get through the process of lsing the x and it takes a lot more than three months.

 

This bloke is just messing you up even more.

 

Imagine carrying his child and finding out that he was sleeping with somebody else. He is no prize lovey.

 

Good luck and I know how your heart hurts about everything.

 

Gentlegirl.

[fooled once]

You said it first. What is wrong with you?

 

Why can't you stick to your reasonings of saying NO? You allowed this guy to take advantage of you, knowing FULL well he has a girlfriend and she is pregnant with their child..Yet you still went ahead and allowed him to kiss you, have sex with you.

 

So, she found out and you two LIED about it. He is confused, you are confused and the mother of his soon to be child IS stressing out because she figures something has happened and you two are treating her like a fool.

 

Back off and say goodbye. It isn't your place to interfer or get involved. they are about to become a family so find your inner strength and tell him GOODBYE. If you don't do this, you're inviting pain and drama into your life.

 

Ditto.

 

You knew he had a girlfriend, yet you invited him to your home AND had sex with him. And you continue to have sex with him knowing full well he is with someone else and about to become a dad. He is using you for sex. And you seem to be okay with that. Why? Might be smart to start looking for an other job because I am sure all the people you work with know you two are doing it and once HIS boss finds out, you will be the one let go, more than likely. You are too needy and need to learn to be alone and not rely on some man for happiness. Until you become comfortable with that, you will continue to be used.

[ffw]

What makes you think I'm using him? Out of curiosity? And what for?

 

Here's your answer

 

 

 

The only time I don't think about my ex is when I'm with my manager. And when I'm not with my manager, I think about my ex.

 

[So_Overit]

Your manager saw an opportunity - he sensed your vulnerability and took it. I think that you are not over your ex... and happy, in a way, to have had the manager as someone else to focus on.

 

Don't go back with him. This won't get any better... and it will end again, badly -- he said he is staying with his gf and baby. Sounds like he is a player. You can do better. Chin up. Press on.

[yeszombie]

Ditto.

 

You knew he had a girlfriend, yet you invited him to your home AND had sex with him. And you continue to have sex with him knowing full well he is with someone else and about to become a dad. He is using you for sex. And you seem to be okay with that. Why? Might be smart to start looking for an other job because I am sure all the people you work with know you two are doing it and once HIS boss finds out, you will be the one let go, more than likely. You are too needy and need to learn to be alone and not rely on some man for happiness. Until you become comfortable with that, you will continue to be used.

 

I didn't invite him into my home FOR sex! I invited him as a friend same as the other two friends. I'm not some premeditating whore. Nobody else in work knows about it. What on earth makes you think I'm needy? Needy is chasing someone pestering or texting or calling them. Things that I never do. I came for advice not to be talked at like I'm a 'needy' whore. He made all the moves not me but I presume having to explain myself here is adequate practice for when it blows up in my face, as I'm sure it will in the end.

[yeszombie]

Here's your answer

 

So what was it you think I'm using him for? To replace my ex?

I didn't like him at all until he made it clear he liked me. And now I do really like him. I'm angry at myself for it after reading responses because nobody appears to think that he actually has feelings for me. That he's just using me. I disagree, I do think he likes me because of the things he says to me - without sex being part of it.

[january2011]

Whether he likes you or not is neither here nor there. You will get thrown under the bus both professionally and personally. He has chosen to stand by his girlfriend and his baby. Whatever happens between the two of you, he is irrevocably linked to his girlfriend and his child for life.

 

Right now, you're a mess of emotions and might not care because all you know is that you feel what you feel. But step back and think about what kind of future you are carving for yourself by continuing this situation with your manager. Start looking for another job. Be strong, hold your head up high and get yourself into a more healthy place.

[yeszombie]

Whether he likes you or not is neither here nor there. You will get thrown under the bus both professionally and personally. He has chosen to stand by his girlfriend and his baby. Whatever happens between the two of you, he is irrevocably linked to his girlfriend and his child for life.

 

Right now, you're a mess of emotions and might not care because all you know is that you feel what you feel. But step back and think about what kind of future you are carving for yourself by continuing this situation with your manager. Start looking for another job. Be strong, hold your head up high and get yourself into a more healthy place.

 

 

I'm not going to be changing jobs, I'm second manager - just under him, excuse the pun, and the money is top good to pass up. I really enjoy my job too. I love it in fact. He hasn't chosen to stand by her at all, I don't see that. I wasn't told to deny anything, I did it because of myself not him or her. I don't want people to know. I know he must love her but how can you love someone and be a cheat? I feel like every man I ever like is unavailable and lately I'm thinking about my ex more and more - but it's been two

Months. When will it stop?

[fellhard4u]

Thank you so much for your reply. I so miss my ex, so much. I just feel better when my manager is around because I'm no longer focusing on the ex. I don't know how to get out of this... How did you do it? X

 

Hi Yeszombie,

 

Break-ups hurt and we naturally tend to reach out for the things that make us feel better, if only temporarily. This doesn't mean that those things - although they appear to relieve some of the pain we are experiencing in that moment - are good for us. Just think of how some people start drinking excessively, do drugs, over-eat etc., all because it makes them feel better in that moment. Most people regret having "indulged" when they have to deal with the consequences such as hangovers, withdrawal symptoms, health problems etc.

 

My point is Yeszombie, you miss your ex, you are in pain and you are reaching for the only thing that seems to make you feel better right now: being with your manager. However, from experience, I can tell you that the "hangover" from indulging in this type of behavior is far worse than anything you can imagine at the moment.

 

You need to properly grieve your relationship with your ex and this entails feeling the pain, anger, depression etc. in order to gain insight and inner closure. It is all part of a necessary healing process.

 

This is the time where you have to surround yourself with people who care about YOU and who have YOUR best interest at heart. From your posts, I fear that your manager is not that person since he seems to have no intention to be there for you and to honor his feelings for you.

[fellhard4u]

Thank you so much for your reply. I so miss my ex, so much. I just feel better when my manager is around because I'm no longer focusing on the ex. I don't know how to get out of this... How did you do it? X

 

I am still dealing with the consequences of becoming involved with a MM at work. If you are interested in reading my story, here's the link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289969/

 

 

So, given that my story has turned into such a nightmare, it's too late for me to prevent the enormous damage. Although my advice is along the lines of "do as I say, no as I do", it is sincere and very much intended to hopefully save you from further harm.

 

If I were you, I would let him know (in writing) that you need to stop any personal and intimate contact with him (emotional and physical) since you have to focus on your own healing. Tell him that you can only have professional contact with him and that you expect him to respect your request. Since you work together, it is near impossible to enforce NC, but you can do LC - difficult, painful, but possible.

 

Since you seem to like your job and don't want to leave, I would make sure that you protect yourself legally. Consult an employment lawyer and ask for advice.

 

Wishing you strength.

[yeszombie]

Thank you so much for all of your advice. Luckily, I think that if I nip itinerary the bud now, I could get out of this with limited damage. As could he. It's only been going on around 5 weeks, that is nothing compared to some of the OW. Stories I've read on here.

I've been fortunate enough to find out early on through you guys here that I have absolutely zero to look forward to with this man :-(

I'm going to go and get my child in bed and then I'm going to read your story. Thank you for sharing it with me :-)

[MissBee]

I'm not going to be changing jobs, I'm second manager - just under him, excuse the pun, and the money is top good to pass up. I really enjoy my job too. I love it in fact. He hasn't chosen to stand by her at all, I don't see that. I wasn't told to deny anything, I did it because of myself not him or her. I don't want people to know. I know he must love her but how can you love someone and be a cheat? I feel like every man I ever like is unavailable and lately I'm thinking about my ex more and more - but it's been two

Months. When will it stop?

 

This is the key! I had that revelation myself and realized that MY OWN ISSUES made me attract such situations and people and that only when I uncover the root of my problems and work through them, will I see a difference in my relationships and life. I also had to stop relying on men for comfort and validation. I think that you need to do the same. You should check out this site called Baggage Reclaim as it may help you to really start thinking about YOU and your habits and relationship patterns critically. Most people start out focusing on this man and why he behaves as he behaves...when really...that is neither here nor there and the REAL issue is finding out why they attract and promote such situations in their own lives.

Edited October 16, 2011 by MissBee