ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 In summary, I was dating this coworker (late 20s) for a few months (4 dates) but we never really got romantic besides subtle flirting because we are both very shy. She started acting depressed and tired the DAY AFTER the 4th date (I might have friend-zoned her with a hug) so I told her I liked her a few days later because she probably wanted a kiss and my intentions were unclear. Next day she surprise visits me at my desk, so I ask her out over the following weekend. She's up for it but didn't follow through, followed by treating me to a dinner the next day (apology?) though I insisted we went dutch and did. Next week I visit her desk for first time since last and she's very flirtatious. Long eye gazes, enthusiastic about seeing me, shoulders squared towards me, undivided attention, touching hair, wrists, makes dating reference about her never getting a boyfriend, etc - all signs that I see as flirting. Later that day I ask her if she feels like a walk but she claims she has a headache. I visit her once more that week and she's tired - tired of seeing me I would guess. TOTAL shift in mental state. At this point she doesn't even send me emails anymore. This upsets me because we were good friends but now she avoids me at all costs. I swing by her desk innocently the next week just to touch base and be COOL with her for a couple minutes to show that I understand she isn't interested but I'm cool with it. After all, we work in the same building and shouldn't feel awkward with each other. I'm in a mess with her and want to make her more comfortable. Can I admit I never dated before (which is TRUE!) or apologize for any awkwardness I might have caused? I basically want to communicate that: 1. I realize the mistakes I've made and sorry for creeping you out, it was only because I cared 2. You can still feel safe to talk to me on occasion, I don't want to pursue you anymore 3. I feel terrible for making things awkward between us 4. You can be comfortable around me again I realize my mistakes being new to dating, but I feel like I need to clear the air between us because it's just too awkward now and I want her to feel confident I have no intentions of pursuing her anymore. Sending a simple email will take a major load off me as well because I want to get this off my chest. I want to send a friendly email like: "My intentions were always good and any awkwardness I caused was because I cared about you. I just wanted you to know and don't need a response back." Please advise.
montana15 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I personally don't think you should send her a message like the one you have stated. I think you should just give her as much space as she needs, for as long as she needs. Its funny i'm trying to give you advice when i'm in my own little fork in the road. Maybe she was just flirting for the sake of flirting. When women do this to me, i usually convice myself their flirting because their interested, but i've come to realize this isn't always so. In other words, i wouldn't read too much into things. I would still be friendly to her if i happened by, and talk to her if she striked up any kind of conversation, but i wouldn't start chasing her when she's giving signals that she wants some space. If she's worth the chase, she'll start talking to you again. if she says anything along the lines of 'why havn't you been talking to me latley' then you should confess "You seemed like you wanted some space, but i gotta admit, i missed talking to you." or something like that. But otherwise, if she talks to you, talk back as if nothing happened. If at some point she seems interested again, you could ask why she seemed so distant during this period. Personally, if i were you, i would avoid emailing her or dropping by her office like the plague. If i sensed she wanted space, i would do my damned hardest to give it to her. She may think you've fallen for her too quickly, which is a red flag, that your desperate, which is a red flag, or that your obsessive, which is also a red flag. I'm probably going in circles, but like i said, if she tried to start things back up, i would go with it. But only once she took the initiative, because no one is going to know how long she needs her space better then she will. You certainly don't want to appear intruisive or overly obsessive. Just play it cool, go on with your life and job. someone else probably has better advice, but this is my 2 cents.
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Wow, incredible reply. Believe it or not, you had one of the most thorough and thoughtful responses I think I've ever received on this board. Not to mention I think you hit it right on! Part of my reasoning for the friendly email is that it would give her a sense of even more space. I mean come on it's just an email and it would clarify where I stand with her right now. For all I know, she might think I'm obsessed with her and dispelling that could make our recovery quicker. More importantly, it would take a load off my shoulders. Nothing more annoying than wanting to express something really bad to someone but not knowing how.
thatone Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 man, you need to get over this crap. we told you what to do, you didn't do it. what do you expect of her? she all but threw herself at you and you did nothing. you expect her to be friendly to you now? she's frustrated, and rightfully so. leave her alone.
Professor X Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 For all I know, she might think I'm obsessed with her and dispelling that could make our recovery quicker. And sending her an e-mail will only reinforce this. You wanna show her you're not obsessed with her? Than don't tell her that. Act that. Leave her alone.
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 I knew I'd be hearing from you two... man, you need to get over this crap. we told you what to do, you didn't do it. what do you expect of her? she all but threw herself at you and you did nothing. you expect her to be friendly to you now? she's frustrated, and rightfully so. leave her alone. I don't expect anything from her and accept it's over. My objective is different now. I just want to eliminate some of the awkwardness between us because we DO work in the same building and WILL run into each other on occasion. I want to send a short comforting email and don't know why it's such a bad idea. Why is communication so frowned upon? And sending her an e-mail will only reinforce this. You wanna show her you're not obsessed with her? Than don't tell her that. Act that. Fair enough. I still think an email is noninvasive and distant, and could accelerate the healing process. Since it's only natural that I will run into her on occasion. I suppose I will just be friendly with her and leave it at "Hi" with a small smile. If she wants to talk, then we talk. Would you agree that is appropriate?
thatone Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 there is no healing process. you didn't even kiss her.
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Healing the awkwardness, not a potential relationship with her. I'm going to surprise visit her at her home today with some flowers. That will make it all right. xD
Professor X Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I still think an email is noninvasive and distant, and could accelerate the healing process. You two communicated a lot via the email. So yes, email in your case is invasive and not distant. And for the record, IMO, you are obsessing way to much with this chick considering you haven't had anything with her. Sometimes in life you need to know when to let go. This is one of those times.
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Well, it seems clear the best course of action is not explaining myself and just leaving her alone so that's what I'll do. Thanks for that explanation ProfX (I was kidding thatone). Even though I have an urge to explain myself to her, I will resist it and just move on. I think it's time to make some local platonic girl friends that I can talk to about this **** because this forum is pretty much all I have and up until the 4th date I was SOLO not getting advice from ANYONE. How I made it as far as I did baffles me. If I could just relax I think I might actually be a decent BF. Some dating material I went over said it's not crazy, but recommended to have a few attractive female "friends" to help you become more attractive. They can provide good advice and will BRING the girls to you! That's part of why I don't want to lose the friendship with this girl, she could be really helpful in the future. Thanks for everyone's help over the past couple months. You were great.
The Tiger Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 That letter does not sound friendly, it sounds pathetic IMO. Don't send it. Awkwardness, and almost everything else, heals with time not with emails.
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Makes sense The Tiger. Thank you.
snug.bunny Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 You most likely confused her. So, practice learning how to properly communicate your interest when you're dating someone. It doesn't sound like you were intentionally misleading her or that you did anything hurtful, but rather, gave off mixed signals so the first thing you need to do is get a handle on those mixed signals and learn how to steer your ship thoroughly and decisively. A few things that kill off attraction for a female are neglect, betrayal, suffocation, too much logic vs. romance, too much passiveness, no emotional connection (the emotional connection is usually intertwined with the things I listed). This is just how females are wired and our wiring tends to be stimulated by what goes on around us. Then we have those little sensors that sound off when things go awry. It sounds as though you were driving 5 mph the entire time, put on the brakes completely, and then tried to drive at 100 mph instantaneously. At which point, putting forth some clarity may have helped, by saying something along the lines of "I like you a lot, but I am a bit rusty when it comes to this sort of thing, and I hope I didn't give you the impression that I wasn't interested because that's not the case". And then she can absorb the information. If she's still being friendly/flirty with you, it may be because she likes you, but she isn't putting too much stock into it at this point. Either you've generated some caution flags, her initial attraction towards you was killed off by your passiveness, or she is/never was truly interested. No one knows for sure so I am just throwing out some possibilities.
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Wow. Amazing reply! You most likely confused her. So, practice learning how to properly communicate your interest when you're dating someone. Oh, I definitely confused her. She has very bad ADD too. Great advice, thank you. A few things that kill off attraction for a female are neglect, betrayal, suffocation, too much logic vs. romance, too much passiveness, no emotional connection (the emotional connection is usually intertwined with the things I listed). Not enough emotional connection is what killed it I'm pretty sure. Our emails were somewhat deep, but in person it was always small talk and we acted like just friends. We never shared feelings for each other and all the times we got together there was never any romance until the 4th date when she invited me out for a late night walk which ended in a romantic hug. To me that hug was very intimate, and I think she felt the same way. It sounds as though you were driving 5 mph the entire time, put on the brakes completely, and then tried to drive at 100 mph instantaneously. I don't think I put on the brakes at all. After that 4th date I was being very aggressive about getting her to go again THAT week. Either you've generated some caution flags, her initial attraction towards you was killed off by your passiveness, or she is/never was truly interested. No one knows for sure so I am just throwing out some possibilities. She was definitely interested in me for a while. It was pretty obvious. The 4th time we went out she invited me out on a late night walk while her family wasn't home and looked GOOD. Even invited me into her home afterward.
Imajerk17 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I would actually confront her and ask her what's up. Tell her what is on your mind, including being rusty/inexperienced at dating.
montana15 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I would actually confront her and ask her what's up. Tell her what is on your mind, including being rusty/inexperienced at dating. Don't do this
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 I would actually confront her and ask her what's up. Tell her what is on your mind, including being rusty/inexperienced at dating. I don't know what your level of experience is, but that goes against what everyone else has been saying. How old are you and how much dating experience do you have? Don't do this As much as I want to, you guys have made it clear I shouldn't. Thanks.
Imajerk17 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 (edited) I don't know what your level of experience is, but that goes against what everyone else has been saying. How old are you and how much dating experience do you have? As much as I want to, you guys have made it clear I shouldn't. Thanks. I have dated quite a bit. If someone blew me off, no explanation, you bet I would try to find out what happened. I would do it TACTFULLY, but I would still do it. ksmit, you have to stand up for what is important to you. I betcha this girl is on some level just hoping to see some fire from you. Edited October 15, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author ksmit Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 ksmit, you have to stand up for what is important to you. I betcha this girl is on some level just hoping to see some fire from you. That might have been the case during that long window of opportunity which lasted several weeks, but now I feel like I can safely say she wants nothing to do with me based off her completely avoiding behavior.
Author ksmit Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) **** Okay, I have an interesting update for you guys **** Couple days ago I had to walk by her desk so I just said "hey" while kept walking. Anyhow, she stopped me and insisted going on telling me about this great drink she made at home and offered to make me one the following day. I say ok whatever, I'll try it. After she went on about how she was even going to put it into a special cup for me and everything I jokingly said I feel like I have to pay for it. She responded that my enjoyment would be enough payment for her witha weird shy mannerism. She couldn't look at me when she said that. Next day she claims she didn't have time to make it but offered me a plethora of other options she had with her. Various drinks, fruits, etc. She said if I don't want any of those she would drive home at lunch time just for me to make one! WTF is this girl thinking? She miss my attention? Starting to feel more attracted because she's not getting chased anymore? I don't look too deeply into meaning anymore, but I'm just really curious as to why she would be behaving in this desperate manner to please me. It really doesn't make sense. If she wanted to start talking to me again, why not shoot a simple email saying "hi"? She's went cold turkey on me about a month ago so this seems strange being so out of the blue. Edit -- Just want to emphasize how much fire she is playing with by being this way. She's been avoiding me like the plague for the past month. If she wants to be friends again, why can't she just say hi? Why go these lengths? Edited October 27, 2011 by ksmit
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