eleanorhurting Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 The one good thing i can say is that I looked great today. I mean I seriously looked pretty my hair was perfect I had worn a new dress and cute shoes to clinics. I know it sounds petty but when I look good I feel good. So at least my horrible day went down with the "heroine" looking good. OK so lets start out with the ex texting me last night after I had begged him not to with some lame excuse asking me for something school related that he could have asked anyone else. I ignored him. I had clinics in the morning (Im a medical student) and I had a test at 1:00 pm and at 3:00 I was going to find out the results of my internal medicine rotation shelf examination which i needed to pass to pass the class. at 11:30 i see the ex from afar. I get a knot in my stomach. I ignore him. at 11: 50 when I am cramming for my test and having pretzels for lunch I get up to throw away my coca cola and i run straight into him. He says how are you. I say fine and keep walking. I'm going to pretend that this didnt count as breaking NO contact. can we? please? At this point i feel like throwing up with the whole ex thing and the test plus knowing my grade from my shelf examination. The 1:00 pm test wasnt horrible. I'm sure i did well enough to get a B. And now the bad part. I failed my internal medicine shelf examination. I failed. I have never failed a class before in my life. At first i didnt even know how to feel. My first reaction was to call him. I didnt. What good would that do? absolutely none. I called a friend and she bought me some margaritas, we watched footlose and then i drove home and cried like a baby. I cried for the ex, cried for my test, cried for myself. Rock bottom keeps reaching new lows each day. And i was starting to feel good. I hope this is just a temporary set back. I think Im ready for my anti-Ds!
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 or maybe not anti-Ds Im just ready for things to start looking up but wow do they hurt. I have been letting the pain sink in and it is so sharp! ouch ouch ouch Well i'll just keep ignoring the ex I decided not to go to octoberfest with my med school class because he will be there and none of my close friends will. Sucks. I'll go another year. (i posted a thread on this earlier) And as for my test, after my week off next week in NYC where i will try to somehow forget this whole mess, I'll come back, start my Psychiatry rotation and then during Christmas break i will be spending it with my new boyfriend called "Step up: a Guide to internal medicine" so I can retake the test in January. ouch ouch ouch ouch
EgoJoe Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 It doesn't count as breaking NC. You showed strength there and you should be proud of yourself. You already are and will become even more of a catch. Do not let this get to you. Keep your head up and keep focusing on yourself!
ChelseaLS Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I feel for you I really do. Not only did my boyfriend and I just split after 6 years to take a 6 month break. We live together (and I haven't been able to find a place yet and move out.. it's only been 6 days since our split), but we also work at the same firm together. So N/C is not really possible. You need to stay positive as low as you feel. Smile even when you don't feel like it. Dress pretty like you did, because it does make you feel better, more positive and confidence. The positivity and confidence radiates and attracts people (including your ex). As for crying, crying is good, natural and healing. You release 75 different toxins when you cry. Its cleansing. Just make sure you cry on a trustworthy friends shoulder. In my situation I am determine to learn from it, to focus of bettering myself and so that in the future if my ex and I were to get back to gather or if I move and find a new relationship, I will be more confident and better equipped to deal with it. I promise it gets better. Try to keep focused on school. Yes you may have failed a class but it's not the end of the world. Its an opportunity to learn and you can take the test again. You are doing great. I wish you all the best of luck and all the love deserved. You can do it. One day the low's won't feel as low anymore.
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Well the comfort is I'd like to think that even though sadness comes in HUGE waves all the time, I really am trying to move forward.
EgoJoe Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 So long as you're trying you will do. That is the beauty of wanting to get better and heal. You will if you want to. You won't if you say you can't.
sadprincess Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 hey, I have my boards (retake) in a couple months, and i can't concentrate for the life of me. i have to focus and not let him ruin me like he already has. but easier said then done. you failed an exam, which feels awful i know the feeling, but unfortunately this IS what determines your future. getting through these classes will get you to a residency. so that's what i keep telling myself. so i hope you can tell yourself that too. i hope he finds out about your situation and feels guilty! that he ruined your concentration! i like to put blame on others...it makes me feel better. i know, evil.
sadprincess Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 and start studying with friends! being alone with notes in your face keeps your mind drifting!
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 i went out with some of my friends to a bar and of course after 1 hour of pure girls night he showed up with the boys. Seriously how high school musical does this sound? Anyway he came up to me, said hi and i said hi back and that was it. Actually, he went out of his way to say hi. I was (THANK YOU JESUS) talking to this very attractve man (who is probably gay but who cares) when he showed up. I dont want him to find out! I dont want him to feel like he is that important that he caused me to fail a test. I failed the test on my own. I was so stupid to not study enough and have him lingering around in my mind while he used me as an ego boost/fwb. bad bad bad. Anyaway im sure he will find out. After 1 vodka tonic i told at least 4 people about how today was the day i failed my first clerkship. It is going to be OK folks.
stargirl259 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 i went out with some of my friends to a bar and of course after 1 hour of pure girls night he showed up with the boys. Seriously how high school musical does this sound? Anyway he came up to me, said hi and i said hi back and that was it. Actually, he went out of his way to say hi. I was (THANK YOU JESUS) talking to this very attractve man (who is probably gay but who cares) when he showed up. I dont want him to find out! I dont want him to feel like he is that important that he caused me to fail a test. I failed the test on my own. I was so stupid to not study enough and have him lingering around in my mind while he used me as an ego boost/fwb. bad bad bad. Anyaway im sure he will find out. After 1 vodka tonic i told at least 4 people about how today was the day i failed my first clerkship. It is going to be OK folks. Well done, that took courage and you should be very proud! I'm still in the raw stages of my breakup but I hope I gain your strength and courage
TheDovic Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 No shame in AD's Eleanor. They're making my life much easier. I mean, if you broke your leg you wouldn't leave it untreated, so why is it ok for people to allow their mental health to suffer needlessly? I know what you're talking about btw. Any small setback was really tipping me over the edge too because all my sadness and disappointment had been taken up with thoughts of my ex. It's like we're an empty glass, and every bit of stress we have is like a drop of water being poured into us. Now, being dumped and losing our partner and best friend is like our glass getting filled to the top, and any other stress (or drops of water) such as you failing causes us to overflow i.e. our coping mechanisms are no longer effective. I believe AD's and time can help pour a bit of that water out so we aren't so easily overwhelmed! Hope that makes sense lol... PS, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad day Eleanor.
M2155 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 i went out with some of my friends to a bar and of course after 1 hour of pure girls night he showed up with the boys. Seriously how high school musical does this sound? Cracked me up, thanks. You're absolutely correct. It's going to be ok!!
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Sad princess I know how you feel about your boards and you are right studying with friends totally helps. If you need anything just let me know! Just be strong! Dovic I wish my Dr. would give me anti-Ds! I am all for them! But i also believe that you cant just expect them to fix everything so that is why I'm trying to move forward on my own. And I dont know what strength and courage you are talking about. I have been moping around for months. Maybe this is just a fluke. Anyway Im off to Octoberfest with my girlfriends. (i decided not to go with y medical school class) I'm sure he'll be there but so will 1,000 other people who are more important. I promise I wont drink and drive and i'll try really hard not to drink and post on love shack.
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