pandagirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 So, after more than a year since the heartbreaking dissolution of my last relationship and dating a few unsavory boys in between, I think I've finally met someone I genuinely like. yay! However, I feel like maybe I'm taking things too fast. I've seen him three times in 10 days, and I'm supposed to see him this weekend also. Sex is mostly likely going to happen... soon. Like, probably fourth date soon. I'm a grown woman, but I still have it instilled in my that "good girls" shouldn't move that "fast." Is fourth date too soon? I know it really isn't, but I've only known him two weeks. Also, though I feel comfortable around him and I don't get any weird Spidey Sense about him, I do believe that it's best to take things slow and not rush into things. Am I being too cautious? Over-thinking things? Should I just go with the flow and enjoy the moment?
OliveOyl Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 This question or a form of it seems to get asked a lot on this forum. Here is my take on it. There are essentially four (4) types of men: 1) Type 1 doesn't like it when a woman "puts out" too quickly. He can't take her seriously if she does. If she has sex with him too soon (too soon varying between 1-4ish dates) then she gets crossed off the "serious relationship" list. 2) Type 2 will move on quickly if the woman doesn't have sex soon enough. If he has to wait past 3 or 4 dates, then he figures there is no chemistry, or too much game playing; he's not about to wait around for weeks or months to find out. As you can see, Type 1 is a direct contrast to Type 2. Perhaps there is a magic number of dates that will fit right between Type 1 and Type 2 but that seems rather hair-spliiting. 3) Type 3 looks like Type 2, but they are different. Type 3 is not interested in a serious relationship at all, but he may prevaricate and mislead women to get what he wants. All Type 3 wants is sex, and/or the thrill of the chase, and when he gets it, he's gone. Women often think that if they had held out/waited longer then he might have stayed around, but that is false, because he never wanted a serious relationship in the first place. There was never a chance with Type 3. 4) Type 4 doesn't make a big deal one way or the other when sex happens while dating. He wants a relationship and he also wants sex but he is willing to wait if he really likes the woman. Conversely if it happens on the first date, that's cool too; the most important part is does he like the woman and whether they are compatible. I sorta would hope most guys would be type 4s, but apparently not in this confusing world of dating. So the question remains, which kinda guy do you think you are dating now?
Kamille Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I'm so happy you're excited about a guy! Seeing each other 3 times in 10 days doesn't strike me as too fast. Too fast is moving in within three weeks. (And I'm actually guilty of that one). I really have no advice about the what when and where of first time sex. In my opinion, men react badly when women have sex and then apologize for their sexuality. Whenever you do decide to have sex, make sure you own your decision. Do it because you want to. Enjoy it. And make no excuses afterwards.
Cee Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I felt the same way with my boyfriend. We saw each other 3 times in the span of a week and it felt great, but I was worried that I was rushing things. After our 3rd date, he invited me to come home with him. I decided to be reserved and said it's too soon. And then after our 4th date, I practically ran back to his place and slept with him. I think this "good girl" myth is a way for women to think they can control a man's interest in a relationship. We can't control that. A man who wants a relationship with you won't care about timing. Because he considers you an equal & that sex is mutual and not a game. I am so glad you are enjoying the giddy feelings of successful dating. Have a great weekend.
Wrigley2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I really have no advice about the what when and where of first time sex. In my opinion, men react badly when women have sex and then apologize for their sexuality. Whenever you do decide to have sex, make sure you own your decision. Do it because you want to. Enjoy it. And make no excuses afterwards. I completely agree with this. Panda, Do it when you feel the time is right, it doesn't matter if it's the first date, or the 100th, when the time is right, you will know. I think this "good girl" myth is a way for women to think they can control a man's interest in a relationship. We can't control that. A man who wants a relationship with you won't care about timing. Because he considers you an equal & that sex is mutual and not a game. I have never understood the "good girl" myth, when I have heard it talked about, it was always a women complaining about another women. She is easy, or she is a slut, etc. I don't know any "normal" guys, that cared exactly when it happened. If two people are attracted to each other, it's going to happen eventually.
Cypress25 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 The important question is, how do you feel about having sex so soon? How would you feel afterward? Would you be glad you did it, or would you regret it? You don't want to put yourself in a position where you'd think "I wish I hadn't done that." So if you're likely to have that reaction at this point, you're probably better off waiting. There's no point in enjoying the moment if you'll feel lousy about it later. But if you're the type of person who never regrets anything and you're all about living in the moment, regardless of what might happen in the future, then by all means, go with the flow.
Author pandagirl Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 I really have no advice about the what when and where of first time sex. In my opinion, men react badly when women have sex and then apologize for their sexuality. Whenever you do decide to have sex, make sure you own your decision. Do it because you want to. Enjoy it. And make no excuses afterwards. I think this "good girl" myth is a way for women to think they can control a man's interest in a relationship. We can't control that. A man who wants a relationship with you won't care about timing. Because he considers you an equal & that sex is mutual and not a game. The important question is, how do you feel about having sex so soon? How would you feel afterward? Would you be glad you did it, or would you regret it? After reading everyone's responses, I realized that what I'm actually hesitant about is feeling vulnerable. It's true, I guess I'm seeing sex as having some sort of "control." It's not that I'm trying to use sex against him, but more that if I have sex, I'm scared that I'm going to feel vulnerable and end up getting hurt. I'm so wary of my choices in men, because I haven't picked the best ones historically. My gut tells me this guy I'm seeing is a nice guy. I know I can't control the outcome, that I should just relax and go with the flow. But I guess I am showing some "baggage" from my last relationship, because I got my heart stomped on. I like this new guy, I don't want to sabotage it with my over-thinking.
Kamille Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Your concerns about feeling vulnerable are perfectly legitimate. They could simply indicate that you're not quite ready to have sex with him yet. When you're ready, you will know. Simple as that. There is no rush to have sex. Continue to enjoy each other's company and getting to know each other. It's all part of the same mentality: only have sex once you know you will truly enjoy it - no regrets. Trust your gut on this P. Don't question yourself or rationalize away your instincts.
Author pandagirl Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Your concerns about feeling vulnerable are perfectly legitimate. They could simply indicate that you're not quite ready to have sex with him yet. When you're ready, you will know. Simple as that. There is no rush to have sex. Continue to enjoy each other's company and getting to know each other. It's all part of the same mentality: only have sex once you know you will truly enjoy it - no regrets. Trust your gut on this P. Don't question yourself or rationalize away your instincts. I really do enjoy his company. If I'm being honest with myself, my gut tells me that he's a good one. I told him on our last night that I have herpes. Normally when this happens, I feel super nervous and get a little emotional, but with him it was so easy. Just a simple conversation, where he listened, asked questions, was kind and understanding. My "hesitation" I think comes from a general uneasiness of maybe not wanting to get emotionally involved with someone again.
Kamille Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 My "hesitation" I think comes from a general uneasiness of maybe not wanting to get emotionally involved with someone again. Whatever is prompting your uneasiness is valid. If you're not ready to get emotionally involved with someone, don't rush into it! This guy will either help you take those walls down or he won't. Either way, your gut is telling you something about yourself here. I guess I'm worried you're overlooking your own boundaries. We've said in the past that we're somewhat similar. I wonder if you're not questioning yourself when really, you should just accept what you know: for whatever reason, you're not ready. And that's A-Ok. Don't rush Panda and always be good to yourself.
Cypress25 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I realized that what I'm actually hesitant about is feeling vulnerable...if I have sex, I'm scared that I'm going to feel vulnerable and end up getting hurt. As Kamille said, your concerns are perfectly legitimate. A lot of women have the same concerns, even if they don't have baggage from previous relationships. Just because he's a nice guy and you enjoy his company doesn't mean you have to rush into sex with him. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're more comfortable. It sounds like you're trying to rationalize why you should be ready to have sex with him right now. But all your rationalizations are about him: he's nice, he's understanding, he probably won't hurt you, etc. But this isn't about him, it's about you. Even if all those things are true about him, that doesn't mean you should feel a certain way. Your feelings are your feelings and there's nothing wrong with them. You don't do yourself any favors by telling yourself that you shouldn't have these feelings and you shouldn't think so much. You're not over-thinking, you're just thinking. Nothing wrong with that. People should think before they make an important decision. If he's truly a great guy, there's no way you could sabotage this by waiting until you're ready.
MilfinBerle Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Yes three times in 10 days could be a bit too fast. It might imply that you don't have enough else going on in your life to fill up your free time. So you're using this guy to fill up your free time, which is fine, but that doesn't automatically mean you're compatible with each other. I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex with the guy, but don't mistake a bunch of dates and sex early on in the relationship as being particularly meaningful as to the future. It just means you've got the initial spark or chemistry but don't make assumptions about longevity. You don't really know him. And he doesn't really know you.
ShannonMI Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 So, after more than a year since the heartbreaking dissolution of my last relationship and dating a few unsavory boys in between, I think I've finally met someone I genuinely like. yay! However, I feel like maybe I'm taking things too fast. I've seen him three times in 10 days, and I'm supposed to see him this weekend also. Sex is mostly likely going to happen... soon. Like, probably fourth date soon. I'm a grown woman, but I still have it instilled in my that "good girls" shouldn't move that "fast." Is fourth date too soon? I know it really isn't, but I've only known him two weeks. Also, though I feel comfortable around him and I don't get any weird Spidey Sense about him, I do believe that it's best to take things slow and not rush into things. Am I being too cautious? Over-thinking things? Should I just go with the flow and enjoy the moment? If you think you're moving too fast and you aren't completely comfortable yet, then wait. If you want to do it, then do it. There's nothing wrong with waiting or just doing it.
Imajerk17 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I would respect a woman who is wants to wait. If this guy is truly worth dating, so will he. If you're not ready, then hold off.
snug.bunny Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 It's too fast IF you have a repeated history of sleeping with men 4 dates in. Even though you've been out several times, you've only known him for two weeks. Give it a bit more time. Sometimes it's nice just to make out a lot and touch each other without actually going all the way (also, oral sex counts as sex, so leave that out for now too ).
Kamille Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 P, here's another way to think about this. Let's take your word that this guy is nice and that a real connection is developing between the two of you. Do you think he would rather 1) you sleep with him even though you're not feeling ready, at the risk of feeling emotionally vulnerable and regretting your decision the day after or 2) you wait a bit and sleep with him when you're ready and you really want to enjoy ripping his clothes off? Trying to force yourself to be ready when you're not is actually unfair to you both.
Author pandagirl Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 P, here's another way to think about this. Let's take your word that this guy is nice and that a real connection is developing between the two of you. Do you think he would rather 1) you sleep with him even though you're not feeling ready, at the risk of feeling emotionally vulnerable and regretting your decision the day after or 2) you wait a bit and sleep with him when you're ready and you really want to enjoy ripping his clothes off? Trying to force yourself to be ready when you're not is actually unfair to you both. Of course he would want me to wait until I felt ready. When I'm with him I don't have these questions or hesitations. Truth is, I feel this guy about every guy I date and my friends tells me I self-sabotage myself into finding negatives and problems when there aren't any. So maybe this isn't so much about sex, but just a reason for me to get worked up over "something."
Cee Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Reading your posts it hit me that you like this guy a lot. And your anxiety doesn't stem from sex timing, but fear he will reject the idea of moving forward to a relationship. This period in dating is so hard where you see the promise of something special, but not enough time has elapsed for a real bond to have formed. While it is uncertain and scary, this is a magical time. As long you both are available to spend time with each other, a relationship will naturally grow. Now that I've read your follow-up posts, I think it's best to wait until you are able to be present for this first time. You'll want to savor it. I look forward to hearing the story unfold.
PlumPrincess Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) This question or a form of it seems to get asked a lot on this forum. Here is my take on it. There are essentially four (4) types of men: 1) Type 1 doesn't like it when a woman "puts out" too quickly. He can't take her seriously if she does. If she has sex with him too soon (too soon varying between 1-4ish dates) then she gets crossed off the "serious relationship" list. 2) Type 2 will move on quickly if the woman doesn't have sex soon enough. If he has to wait past 3 or 4 dates, then he figures there is no chemistry, or too much game playing; he's not about to wait around for weeks or months to find out. As you can see, Type 1 is a direct contrast to Type 2. Perhaps there is a magic number of dates that will fit right between Type 1 and Type 2 but that seems rather hair-spliiting. 3) Type 3 looks like Type 2, but they are different. Type 3 is not interested in a serious relationship at all, but he may prevaricate and mislead women to get what he wants. All Type 3 wants is sex, and/or the thrill of the chase, and when he gets it, he's gone. Women often think that if they had held out/waited longer then he might have stayed around, but that is false, because he never wanted a serious relationship in the first place. There was never a chance with Type 3. 4) Type 4 doesn't make a big deal one way or the other when sex happens while dating. He wants a relationship and he also wants sex but he is willing to wait if he really likes the woman. Conversely if it happens on the first date, that's cool too; the most important part is does he like the woman and whether they are compatible. I sorta would hope most guys would be type 4s, but apparently not in this confusing world of dating. So the question remains, which kinda guy do you think you are dating now? Your categorization is brilliant. When I thought about it, it really did match with my experiences and observations. Edited October 16, 2011 by PlumPrincess
Kamille Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Of course he would want me to wait until I felt ready. When I'm with him I don't have these questions or hesitations. Truth is, I feel this guy about every guy I date and my friends tells me I self-sabotage myself into finding negatives and problems when there aren't any. So maybe this isn't so much about sex, but just a reason for me to get worked up over "something." Yeah, I think many of us do that when we start seeing someone we like. Focusing on "something" allows us to continue thinking about them. And, for us anxious people, the focus will usually switch from : "wow that was fun, can't wait to see him again" to "What do I do? I think he's sexy and a great guy but I'm not ready to have sex - what if I get hurt?" in a matter of hours. But at least you're aware of it. So try to get back to the good news: You like this guy. You're having fun. It's all good. As you've said, what you cannot control is whether or not you get hurt. The good news is: you're completely capable of taking care of yourself. You got hurt in the past, and you got over it. (This is actually proof of that). So be serene and don't worry about what could happen - whatever happens, you'll be able to handle it anyway. Focus instead on what is happening: You're having a great time with a cute guy.
Author pandagirl Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Yeah, I think many of us do that when we start seeing someone we like. Focusing on "something" allows us to continue thinking about them. And, for us anxious people, the focus will usually switch from : "wow that was fun, can't wait to see him again" to "What do I do? I think he's sexy and a great guy but I'm not ready to have sex - what if I get hurt?" in a matter of hours. But at least you're aware of it. So try to get back to the good news: You like this guy. You're having fun. It's all good. As you've said, what you cannot control is whether or not you get hurt. The good news is: you're completely capable of taking care of yourself. You got hurt in the past, and you got over it. (This is actually proof of that). So be serene and don't worry about what could happen - whatever happens, you'll be able to handle it anyway. Focus instead on what is happening: You're having a great time with a cute guy. Welp. The deed happened this weekend. I just feel so comfortable when I'm with him and have such a good time, that it just naturally happened. It's true. I need to stop worrying about getting hurt all the time. It really holds me back. My friends tell me that I never enjoy dating, because I'm always looking for something wrong -- it's like a self-defense mechanism. Like, pin them down before they have the chance to do it to me. So I'm trying to stay mindful of my feelings, and go with the flow a little bit more. And it's true, I've been hurt before and I always am fine in the end. I can take care of myself. That being said -- and not to compare him to my last relationship -- but new boy is refreshingly open and doesn't seem to have any problems with communicating effectively. Very sweet.
Kamille Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Bunnies! :bunny: I love this thread. It's so nice to see you enjoying dating and having fun! Thanks for keeping us updated Panda!
snug.bunny Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Two weeks and all that caution went right out the window... Oh boy.
Author pandagirl Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 No bunnies yet! haha. I don't want to get ahead of myself. Not to get OT, but how are YOU, Ms. K?
Cypress25 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Two weeks and all that caution went right out the window Seriously. This guy must be a smooth talker, lol.
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