havingtrouble Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 My wife and I have been together 3 years and married for 1. We have a two year old, and she is currently pregnant with our second. In the last week she has told me she wants a "trial separation". Her issues with me are that I "talk down to her" and she doesn't like "the way i am." She refuses to communicate with me, and says some very hurtful things. She has told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship, if something better was there she'd already be gone, and she needs more than I can give her. Our relationship has been rocky in the past, but some of the recent events have made me feel very twisted. It is very hard for me. I love being married, and want to be in a relationship. Plus we have already started this life together, and it seems like she doesn't want it anymore. One of our issues is "partying" and "kids." I don't feel its appropriate to have our kids around her friends when they are drinking and partying. I tried to talk to her about this in terms of what is "right and wrong" and it turns into "what I think is right or wrong." She says what she is doing is the right thing, and flat out disagrees with me with no room for discussion. I have other issues mostly about participating in our relationship. I handle 100% of our finances, which she has no interest in even understanding. When it comes to cleaning, she refers to me as "Danny Tanner" but leaves huge messes especially when she cooks. Even right now, she is staying at her friends on "trial separation" but her stuff is all over the house. It's easy for me to understand how she would think I'm talking down to her. Honestly, if any of us were being talked to about these things we would feel the same way. But how, as an adult with a small child, and pregnant with another, would you even want to act like this? If you are married and in a relationship, why not try to participate in your relationship? My question is, do I go to counseling or just retain a lawyer. After reviewing several posts, I feel like this is her getting out of the relationship. She also has no plan for how long she's going to be gone, but is looking for a place to stay. She has said that she would go to counseling during this "trial separation" but I feel that isn't going to help. I would rather go to counseling and try to work it out, or separate.
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 My wife and I have been together 3 years and married for 1. We have a two year old, and she is currently pregnant with our second. In the last week she has told me she wants a "trial separation". Her issues with me are that I "talk down to her" and she doesn't like "the way i am." She refuses to communicate with me, and says some very hurtful things. She has told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship, if something better was there she'd already be gone, and she needs more than I can give her. Our relationship has been rocky in the past, but some of the recent events have made me feel very twisted. It is very hard for me. I love being married, and want to be in a relationship. Plus we have already started this life together, and it seems like she doesn't want it anymore. One of our issues is "partying" and "kids." I don't feel its appropriate to have our kids around her friends when they are drinking and partying. I tried to talk to her about this in terms of what is "right and wrong" and it turns into "what I think is right or wrong." She says what she is doing is the right thing, and flat out disagrees with me with no room for discussion. I have other issues mostly about participating in our relationship. I handle 100% of our finances, which she has no interest in even understanding. When it comes to cleaning, she refers to me as "Danny Tanner" but leaves huge messes especially when she cooks. Even right now, she is staying at her friends on "trial separation" but her stuff is all over the house. It's easy for me to understand how she would think I'm talking down to her. Honestly, if any of us were being talked to about these things we would feel the same way. But how, as an adult with a small child, and pregnant with another, would you even want to act like this? If you are married and in a relationship, why not try to participate in your relationship? My question is, do I go to counseling or just retain a lawyer. After reviewing several posts, I feel like this is her getting out of the relationship. She also has no plan for how long she's going to be gone, but is looking for a place to stay. She has said that she would go to counseling during this "trial separation" but I feel that isn't going to help. I would rather go to counseling and try to work it out, or separate. Usually when a woman is pregnant it's the time she loves and needs her man the most. This is highly unusual, she's met someone else, or even worse is the baby yours?
Author havingtrouble Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 As far as I know the baby is mine. She was definitely trying very hard to get pregnant when she conceived, and we were happy then. I wouldn't be surprised if she has met someone else, due to the things she has said. She's also been very distant lately, and has changed her passwords to her accounts.
climbergirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Well, of course she is distant if she wants a trial separation. And she probably changed her password because she is venting to her friends and doesn't want you to see. I wouldn't go to the extreme of suspecting infidelity. Pregnancy, as you know, is a highly emotional time. I'm confused about your contention with her drinking and partying with kids around...though I totally understand your concern this shouldn't even be an issue right now if she is pregnant. How far along is she?
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 As far as I know the baby is mine. She was definitely trying very hard to get pregnant when she conceived, and we were happy then. I wouldn't be surprised if she has met someone else, due to the things she has said. She's also been very distant lately, and has changed her passwords to her accounts. Yep, I think that says it all but you need to find out for sure. Something doesn't stack up you also need to find out if the baby is yours.
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 What are the terms of the separation? Examples: Fidelity Finances Child care/visitation Counseling Timelines and signposts of progress etc, etc. My strategy would be to focus on the M, seek MC, disallow fraternization by either party and keep the two-year old's life as stable as possible. Bi-lateral transparency would be strongly encouraged. If she wants to be single and pregnant and have the security of marriage without any conditions, file for divorce and get a paternity test upon birth. Either you're a family or you're not. Yes, pregnancy can be an emotional time but she's an adult, not a child, and her adult choices have consequences and there's a two year old and a husband in that mix. No one gets a free pass in life. Work it out like adults or end it like adults. My vote is for working it out. Welcome to LS
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 . I wouldn't go to the extreme of suspecting infidelity. . If Loveshack was a casino and I was a betting man, i'd study the hundreds of other threads that play to this 'script'. Sadly only one or two do not involve infidelity. For a pregnant woman to up and leave, there must be a huge reason, my guess is the baby isn't the OP's
Author havingtrouble Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Well, of course she is distant if she wants a trial separation. And she probably changed her password because she is venting to her friends and doesn't want you to see. I wouldn't go to the extreme of suspecting infidelity. Pregnancy, as you know, is a highly emotional time. I'm confused about your contention with her drinking and partying with kids around...though I totally understand your concern this shouldn't even be an issue right now if she is pregnant. How far along is she? 26 weeks, she is not drinking as far as I know, however she went out with her friends last weekend and all of them were partying. I had arrangements for my daughter to stay at my mother in-laws on that night, which she got upset with me about. She wanted our daughter here that night to see a couple of her friends, but when I got home from work my house was full of drunk people (She was not drunk). My problem is that she has no problem with exposing my daughter to this kind of thing, and I feel its inappropriate. I think its much better for her to be at grandmas on nights like these, which if I were in her shoes, would be the way I wanted. I think when it comes to partying with kids around, there is a gray area for some people. For me, I don't want my kids around when I'm partying like that. There is a big difference between partying with all your friends, having a couple of beers at home, and attending family gatherings.
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