Update

[jsb58]

or those individuals whose personal biases such claims support, would be willing to accept these claims at face value.

:lmao::lmao:Oh! The Irony!:lmao:

[jsb58]

I have no fear of the truth.

 

“Infidelity is the most frequently cited cause of divorce and doubles the likelihood of divorce” *(From: Baucom, Donald H.; Gordon, Kristina C.; Snyder, Douglas K.; Atkins, David C.; Christensen, Andrew. Treating Affair Couples: Clinical Considerations and Initial Findings. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, December 2006, Vol. 20 Issue: Number 4 p375-392, 18p)

*

Now, we know that the divorce rate for 1st marriages is approximately between 43 and 50% depending on where you get your stats. If infidelity truly doubles the likelihood of divorce, then that suggests that very few marriages (14% or less) survive infidelity.

*

As luck would have it, there doesn’t appear to be any statistics gathered on how many marriages that happen to be the result of affairs divorce. It’s probably fair to say that a significant amount of 2nd marriages start that way, but there is likely a reluctance for people to admit that’s how their relationships started. So, the best estimate we have is the divorce rate for 2nd marriages, which most people can agree is about 60%. So that boils down to a BS/WS marriage having a 14% or less chance of survival and a fOW married to her fMM with a 40% of marriage survival. That’s the exact opposite of what you are claiming.

*

I’m well aware that what you so rudely derogate as “affairages” are the ones people love to see fail. Trouble is, the reality is that are actually more stable/better off than couples where the WS stays.

Fuzzy math?

Good luck with that.

[Brokenlady]

BL, Had a long reply using a research paper. But decided it just isn't worth debating. Believe what you wish.

 

Riiiiiiight. Whatever.

[jsb58]

Riiiiiiight. Whatever.

It's okay Brokenlady. No one wants to be told their marriage is doomed to fail.

[Brokenlady]

Just found this on another website. I don't know how factual it is:

 

According to CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, approximately:

3,000 couples in the U.S. get divorced each day - well over 1 million per year;

20-25% of these people are divorcing for the second or third time;

50% of all divorcing couples have children under the age of 18;

12 million U.S. families were headed by a single parent during 2000;

1 out of 3 U.S. children do not live with both parents;

17% of all children in the U.S. will suffer a divorce this year;

Second marriages will end 23% sooner than first marriages; and

Third marriages will end 43% sooner than first marriages.

 

As well, it is scientifically supported that children of divorced parents suffer a higher than average divorce rate as adults - divorce is a legacy that is passed down from one generation to the next.

 

These public divorce statistics are alarming, but most people don't have access to follow-up statistics concerning a divorce after the affair of one partner:

 

80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.*

 

And the statistics for affair-born relationships are even more extreme:



Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between

the two affair partners;* and

 

If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new

 

marriage to also end in divorce.*

 

I saw that website, but it didn't cite any sources for the data and frankly looked kinda shady.

[Brokenlady]

It's okay Brokenlady. No one wants to be told their marriage is doomed to fail.

 

Believe whatever you like. But I'd put money on me still being married in 10 years and most of the bs's/ws's not being so fortunate. I am not so bold as to think my M is invulnerable to D or even an A. Everyone who is M has the same vulnerability. As to whether it not I'm at a higher risk for failure- I agree that I probably am. Still, it I'd worth to me to try.

[alexandria35]

Elizabeth I actually agree with you regarding this article. Thats why I stated that I wasn't certain about the accuracy of it. It does sound like someone just threw together some random numbers regarding some of the claims it makes. I personally know many people who had very short term first marriages due to youth and impulsivness but then went on to have much longer second marriages. My stepfather's first marriage only lasted 2 years, then he was married for fifteen years to my mother. After they divorced he went on to get married a third time and that marriage probably would have been his longest marriage but unfortunately he died about 15 years into it.

[findingnemo]

I don't get it. BL posted an update in which she tells us she's happily married. Why are we discussing which kind of M survives more than the other? Let's not be insensitive. Discussing the percentages of Ms that end because they are 1st, 2nd or 3rd serves what purpose exactly? She is NOT a statistic.

 

BL, your M is yours to make work as best you can. If you have issues in the future, they may be because your R began as an A. But then again it may not be the cause. After all, As aren't the only problems that cause the end of Ms.

 

I may have missed this but how are you getting along with his family and he with yours?

[Brokenlady]

I don't get it. BL posted an update in which she tells us she's happily married. Why are we discussing which kind of M survives more than the other? Let's not be insensitive. Discussing the percentages of Ms that end because they are 1st, 2nd or 3rd serves what purpose exactly? She is NOT a statistic.

 

BL, your M is yours to make work as best you can. If you have issues in the future, they may be because your R began as an A. But then again it may not be the cause. After all, As aren't the only problems that cause the end of Ms.

 

I may have missed this but how are you getting along with his family and he with yours?

 

You're right. Engaging with those posters who are jut being hateful bc of feeling threatened isn't worth my time.

 

His parents and siblings have always eagerly embraced me. His daughter hates me, and I'm doing my best with her to show her that no matter how much venom she throws at me, I still care about her and her father will always be there for her. She has many fears and misperceptions that resulted from her mothers emotional instability. I worry for her. Other child is older and "gets" it. We get along fine.

[Snowflower]

I’m well aware that what you so rudely derogate as “affairages” are the ones people love to see fail. Trouble is, the reality is that are actually more stable/better off than couples where the WS stays.

 

Believe whatever you like. But I'd put money on me still being married in 10 years and most of the bs's/ws's not being so fortunate. I am not so bold as to think my M is invulnerable to D or even an A. Everyone who is M has the same vulnerability. As to whether it not I'm at a higher risk for failure- I agree that I probably am. Still, it I'd worth to me to try.

 

BL, I remember your story well and it was nice to hear your update. Best wishes and congratulations!

 

It's sad that those who successfully reconciled after an affair are given such a low opinion on this thread...

[Elizabeth Southerns]

It's sad that those who successfully reconciled after an affair are given such a low opinion on this thread...

 

Perhaps distinction should have been drawn between the WS who stays with the BS, and the WS and BS who reconcile their M. To me, at least, those are two entirely separate things. The first involves apathy and indolence, the latter a great deal of hard work.

[bentnotbroken]

You're right. Engaging with those posters who are jut being hateful bc of feeling threatened isn't worth my time.

 

His parents and siblings have always eagerly embraced me. His daughter hates me, and I'm doing my best with her to show her that no matter how much venom she throws at me, I still care about her and her father will always be there for her. She has many fears and misperceptions that resulted from her mothers emotional instability. I worry for her. Other child is older and "gets" it. We get along fine.

 

 

I do feel sorry for his daughter. The adults in her life have shown her what immaturity looks like at an age when they all should no better. She doesn't deserve to have her life imploded for whatever reasons by those who only have their own agendas at the top of the list Those who are perceived in varying degrees of instability.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

I do feel sorry for his daughter. The adults in her life have shown her what immaturity looks like at an age when they all should no better. She doesn't deserve to have her life imploded for whatever reasons by those who only have their own agendas at the top of the list Those who are perceived in varying degrees of instability.

 

Indeed. It's a pity she's cursed with the mother she has. It would have been far better had that mother not had custody, but only supervised visitation. It's unfair that the child should have been used as a weapon to prop up the mother's fragile ego.

[Summer Breeze]

BL, I remember your story well and it was nice to hear your update. Best wishes and congratulations!

 

It's sad that those who successfully reconciled after an affair are given such a low opinion on this thread...

 

I can't speak for BL or anyone else but the attacking came the other direction first. Sadly the people who couldn't take the thread for what it was and came out swinging created a defensive stance for others. I agree it's sad the successfully reconciled are given a low opinion in this thread but I'm even sadder the woman who was trying to share some happiness in a M to her MM was given a lower opinion. Sadly the whole A scenario is so polarizing it happens. I know sometimes I've gotten attacked in here and struck back (verbally) with more fervor than was needed and looking back a few hours later I know it was probably very hurtful when I hadn't intended it to be.

 

No excuses for anyone on either side but it's the nature of the beast sometimes I'm afraid.

[findingnemo]

You're right. Engaging with those posters who are jut being hateful bc of feeling threatened isn't worth my time.

 

His parents and siblings have always eagerly embraced me. His daughter hates me, and I'm doing my best with her to show her that no matter how much venom she throws at me, I still care about her and her father will always be there for her. She has many fears and misperceptions that resulted from her mothers emotional instability. I worry for her. Other child is older and "gets" it. We get along fine.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the younger daughter not accepting your M. But this happens also when widowers remarry, when a W chooses divorce and whatever situations where mum and dad are not together. Kids want what they want and can hardly be expected to change their minds. As they grow up and learn more about life, they choose how to perceive things. There's no guarantee that she will ever like you regardless of what you do and don't do.

 

About her mother. I know we have all these rules about adult behaviour. We (general) believe that parents should not argue or fight in front of kids. So many rules that ignore the harsh reality of a human being coping with pain. Maybe her mother is psycho, maybe she doesn't know how else to deal with the pain of what happened to her. Having a stbxh who knows that hurting my kids means hurting me, I find myself constantly praying that I can continue to contain the rage I feel for their beloved father and avoid traumatizing my kids. But sometimes I wonder if one day, saddled with all my other problems, I may not simply lose it and say things the kids will never forget.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. The young girl will one day grow up and see things one way or the other. Blaming you for her parents D may become a crutch for her. Or not. Either way, life will go on and you will survive it all.

[Snowflower]

I can't speak for BL or anyone else but the attacking came the other direction first. Sadly the people who couldn't take the thread for what it was and came out swinging created a defensive stance for others. I agree it's sad the successfully reconciled are given a low opinion in this thread but I'm even sadder the woman who was trying to share some happiness in a M to her MM was given a lower opinion. Sadly the whole A scenario is so polarizing it happens. I know sometimes I've gotten attacked in here and struck back (verbally) with more fervor than was needed and looking back a few hours later I know it was probably very hurtful when I hadn't intended it to be.

 

No excuses for anyone on either side but it's the nature of the beast sometimes I'm afraid.

 

The topic was marriages born from affairs because that is what BL's situation was/is.

 

I do agree 100% that it was cruel and mean-spirited to strike at BL's happiness.

 

If posters wanted to debate the success of marriages started as an affair, they should start their own thread instead of using BL's specific situation.

 

However, I don't see what the frequent comments about reconciling marriages had to do with BL's situation. The topic was not about marriages where the WS stayed. It was about marriages that started as an affair.

 

To me, it was a low-handed swipe at BS's and their marriages. Just mean.

 

Again, I am happy for BL and I think a lot of others were too (even some of us meany-BW) because they commented in kind ways on this thread wishing congratulations.

 

The kindness was not returned.

[Snowflower]

Perhaps distinction should have been drawn between the WS who stays with the BS, and the WS and BS who reconcile their M. To me, at least, those are two entirely separate things. The first involves apathy and indolence, the latter a great deal of hard work.

 

Thank you for writing this.

 

Everyone simply wants their relationship recognized for what it is or is not. BL's relationship is no longer an affair but a happy marriage and many successfully reconciled marriages are just that, happy marriages.

[Summer Breeze]

The topic was marriages born from affairs because that is what BL's situation was/is.

 

I do agree 100% that it was cruel and mean-spirited to strike at BL's happiness.

 

If posters wanted to debate the success of marriages started as an affair, they should start their own thread instead of using BL's specific situation.

 

However, I don't see what the frequent comments about reconciling marriages had to do with BL's situation. The topic was not about marriages where the WS stayed. It was about marriages that started as an affair.

 

To me, it was a low-handed swipe at BS's and their marriages. Just mean.

 

Again, I am happy for BL and I think a lot of others were too (even some of us meany-BW) because they commented in kind ways on this thread wishing congratulations.

 

The kindness was not returned.

 

The first poster who brought up the whole issue of percentages of successful Ms was thomasb. I believe it was a post in the early 60s and it was a swipe at Ms for post A couples. From there that line of exchange grew but it was first brought up by an xWS who is very vocal about his views on As.

 

As well as that I do believe that bittersweet memories and glinda and a few others started lobbing shots within the first few responses.

 

There were some lovely wishes from BS to BL. There was one that was lefthanded and I took to be catty and unnecessary. A few others were cool but that's fine-given the circumstances and history of some people a cool wish is a huge thing and I read those to be wonderful because it felt like they were really trying to get past what might have happened to them and wish the best for a fellow human. Those are the hard posts and probably the most appreciated.

[bentnotbroken]

Indeed. It's a pity she's cursed with the mother she has. It would have been far better had that mother not had custody, but only supervised visitation. It's unfair that the child should have been used as a weapon to prop up the mother's fragile ego.

And a bigger pity that not only she has the mother she has but the example she has a father. She will have daddy issues for awhile. Poor child.

[Brokenlady]

I can't speak for BL or anyone else but the attacking came the other direction first. Sadly the people who couldn't take the thread for what it was and came out swinging created a defensive stance for others. I agree it's sad the successfully reconciled are given a low opinion in this thread but I'm even sadder the woman who was trying to share some happiness in a M to her MM was given a lower opinion. Sadly the whole A scenario is so polarizing it happens. I know sometimes I've gotten attacked in here and struck back (verbally) with more fervor than was needed and looking back a few hours later I know it was probably very hurtful when I hadn't intended it to be.

 

No excuses for anyone on either side but it's the nature of the beast sometimes I'm afraid.

 

I agree.

 

After reading four pages of responses, the overwhelming majority of which were hateful attacks by BSs and a holier-than-thou fWS, I started swinging back. I didn't post the update here to try to justify or defend myself, my marriage, or any other M that started as an A. I shoddy have let myself get sucked in by the usual pot stirring yawners.

 

I didn't mean to offend you SF, or derogate anyone's M. M is hard, and sometimes they don't work out no matter what the situation. I may be at more risk than most, but so what? Ditto for reconciled Ms. These are the choices we've all made and as long as we are happy with them, it would be nice if others were - if not supportive- at least not downright insulting.

[eleanorrigby]

It was as much her right(whether it was appropriate or not) to harass in response to your and his right to do what you did to her. You two made some jacked up choices and it appears from your posts that she is continuing that trend. If she stopped when you married, she afforded you a courtesy that you nor he afforded her....respect of your marriage vows. And as far as the kids, it never ceases to amaze me how people who put the mental health of kids in jeopardy in the first place can get crabby when they perceive someone else doing it. What a world.

 

^^^ this.

(glad I stopped myself to see if anyone else said what I was going to say lol)

[His4Always]

Sigh.

 

Is this site so damaged that no one can part with a kind word without veiled insults and infighting?

 

What a shame.

 

Brokenlady,

Congratulations. Always be kind to one another. Always have each other's best interests at heart. Always speak out of love, never out of anger.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world.

 

H4A

[Brokenlady]

^^^ this.

(glad I stopped myself to see if anyone else said what I was going to say lol)

 

And here we go again with the gratuitious nastiness. Ok, I'm done, I'm outta here. Over and out -BL

[eleanorrigby]

And here we go again with the gratuitious nastiness. Ok, I'm done, I'm outta here. Over and out -BL

 

oh boo hoo

 

It's an opinion. I haz them.

[donnamaybe]

lways be kind to one another. Always have each other's best interests at heart. Always speak out of love, never out of anger.

This is great advice for a successful R.