tigressA Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I have a friend who is in a long-term relationship (2+ years), they live together. The other day she told me they started talking about flying out for a vacation. Her BF's dad works for an airline so he gets free airfare. She would have to pay for her ticket. The thing is, she would have to save every red cent she could for the next several months at least, to be able to afford her own fare, and even then it isn't guaranteed she'd have enough. She wouldn't be able to buy anyone presents for Christmas. She wouldn't be able to have a night out with friends. Her BF would be able to pay for her, but he doesn't seem willing. She's pretty distraught about it, given he knows what sacrifices she would have to make, and he wouldn't have to make any sacrifices near to that. Presumably she hasn't given him any reason to think she would take advantage. I've hung out with them a lot and they seem like a good couple, from what I've seen and what he's said, she treats him well.
vsmini Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Given the length of their relationship and assuming they are really serious about each other I would think he would help chip in but he is by no means obligated to do so. You would think maybe he could help her out a bit but it is her choice if she wants to go on vacation and if she can afford it or not by herself. Personally my boyfriend would offer to split the ticket with me since his flight was free and I would be very, very thankful for it. Who knows - different strokes for different folks.
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 The solution to me (and my frugal mind) seems not to go on vacation if she's that strapped. I'd never expect anyone to buy me anything, regardless of the circumstances. That said, if my BF was strapped and I had plenty of cash, I might treat him to a holiday and vice versa, but that's just our personalities. My rule of thumb: It's fine for someone to offer to treat but bad form to expect it. My other rule of thumb: If I cannot afford it easily, I don't buy it. So, does it seem fair? Sure. He has a way to get a ticket and she doesn't. Just like it's equally fair for her to say she can't afford it and choose not to go.
veggirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 If his is free, I would think they'd split the cost of a 2nd ticket. If I were in this situation as the girl, I'd simply say "I can't go, there is no way I can afford to pay for a plane ticket completely on my own, I'm sorry." I mean at this point in a long term relationship, I'd think the excitement would be "cool! We only have to purchase ONE ticket cause one is free!" and each pay for half of a ticket.
vsmini Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 If his is free, I would think they'd split the cost of a 2nd ticket. If I were in this situation as the girl, I'd simply say "I can't go, there is no way I can afford to pay for a plane ticket completely on my own, I'm sorry." I mean at this point in a long term relationship, I'd think the excitement would be "cool! We only have to purchase ONE ticket cause one is free!" and each pay for half of a ticket. Exactly - I would think that after being together that long and in a serious relationship they would look at it as a team effort kind of deal and split it. I would think that would just be the natural conclusion.
Author tigressA Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 If his is free, I would think they'd split the cost of a 2nd ticket. If I were in this situation as the girl, I'd simply say "I can't go, there is no way I can afford to pay for a plane ticket completely on my own, I'm sorry." I mean at this point in a long term relationship, I'd think the excitement would be "cool! We only have to purchase ONE ticket cause one is free!" and each pay for half of a ticket. This seems like the most logical explanation to me. I told her that. I did say, "Well...are you expecting him to pay for you?" She said, "It would be nice, of course...but even if he had offered to pay half I would've been all over it. It really sucks that he didn't even do that. It was just like, 'You're on your own'. Had a 'Sucks to be you' vibe about it."
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 If his is free, I would think they'd split the cost of a 2nd ticket. If I were in this situation as the girl, I'd simply say "I can't go, there is no way I can afford to pay for a plane ticket completely on my own, I'm sorry." I mean at this point in a long term relationship, I'd think the excitement would be "cool! We only have to purchase ONE ticket cause one is free!" and each pay for half of a ticket. This was exactly what I was thinking. He's not obligated to help her out, but you'd think he'd want to.
vsmini Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 This seems like the most logical explanation to me. I told her that. I did say, "Well...are you expecting him to pay for you?" She said, "It would be nice, of course...but even if he had offered to pay half I would've been all over it. It really sucks that he didn't even do that. It was just like, 'You're on your own'. Had a 'Sucks to be you' vibe about it." You're on your own? Sucks to be you vibe? Hell no.
Imajerk17 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I would offer to chip in a certain percentage for my girlfriend's ticket. But definitely not all of it.
xxoo Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I mean at this point in a long term relationship, I'd think the excitement would be "cool! We only have to purchase ONE ticket cause one is free!" and each pay for half of a ticket. It sounds like this couple does not approach finances as "we". That's valid, if they both agree to that set up. Was the whole idea to vacation as a couple? Or was it more, "I'd love to go to.....hey, I'd love to go, too!......let's look up flights...." Why not plan a vacation they BOTH can afford?
serial muse Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Was the whole idea to vacation as a couple? Or was it more, "I'd love to go to.....hey, I'd love to go, too!......let's look up flights...." Why not plan a vacation they BOTH can afford? This, exactly. She should tell him that she can't afford a ticket, so maybe they could go somewhere cheaper together, to a place where she could afford to pay her own way. How he reacts to that would tell her everything she needs to know, I'd think.
Jynxx Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Her BF would be able to pay for her, but he doesn't seem willing. She's pretty distraught about it, given he knows what sacrifices she would have to make, and he wouldn't have to make any sacrifices near to that. I would assume they have a different view on finances. Apparently her boyfriend makes more than she does. She sees him having more money than she has and expects him to share some of it, he sees her working less or making less sacrifices for her job than he does and trying to take advantage of his money. I've been in that spot, and I can tell you it's kind of insulting if your partner asks you or expects you to pay for something because "it wouldn't make much difference to you anyway". It's not up to her, let alone up to friends of hers (no offence) to judge on whether or not it would be a small enough sacrifice based on his financial situation. If he does pay for it she should be very grateful. If he doesn't pay anything, that would be the neutral choice if you know what I mean.
laotzu Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 If I really liked her, I'd go half with her on the total price (i.e., give her half of the free ticket). If I had a considerable amount of money and really liked her, and wanted to marry her someday, I might just treat her. My guess is either you don't have all of the information, or he's not incredibly serious about the relationship.
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I would assume they have a different view on finances. Apparently her boyfriend makes more than she does. She sees him having more money than she has and expects him to share some of it, he sees her working less or making less sacrifices for her job than he does and trying to take advantage of his money. I've been in that spot, and I can tell you it's kind of insulting if your partner asks you or expects you to pay for something because "it wouldn't make much difference to you anyway". This is actually a very good point. Who's to say what money makes a different to which people or what someone else should do with their money? I mean, I think my BF "wastes" money all the time, but it's his money, so whatever. He probably thinks the same of me sometimes! What money matters to which people varies by POV. My BF does pay a little extra for me a lot of the time, because I make markedly less than him and he picks out more expensive things to do than I can afford/would otherwise do. I'd never ask him to! But if he wants to do those things, and wants me to come, that's just how it goes, as I'm not overstretching my finances for it when I'd rather just do less pricey things or whatnot. So, if the BF is the one who is insisting she go on the trip, I get the POV of "Well, then, he should chip in," but other than that. . . it's pretty insulting to expect him to. I know I would feel put upon in that position.
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 OP, if your friend/BF are traveling off-peak, have her ask if she can travel on one of BFs dad's buddy passes. Boarding priority will be lower but it's still an opportunity to fly for just the taxes or a substantially lower fare. Normally, the costs are deducted from the employee's paycheck. The more flexible they are, the more likely this option could work for them. Also, BF or dad could book an award flight for GF out of their redeemable miles on any airline. Otherwise, it's like any other expense. Generosity is nice but it's not an entitlement. I've yet in this life to have an airline ticket paid for me, regardless of destination or reason for travel, and have close to a million miles of actual butt in seat under my belt. When I'm 'generous' to someone, it's generally a gifted award ticket. Good luck.
Stung Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 When I have been in a similar position, I have always offered to split the cost of the 2nd ticket just by default--to my mind, it is just the decent, and obvious, thing to do. I would never think of blithely accepting free fare and then sitting back and watching my partner struggle and sacrifice, unless there were some deeper unresolved conflict in the relationship. It could just be down to different financial philosophies, or it could simply mean that the boyfriend is lacking in generosity of spirit. Your friend would have to decide whether these things would be a significant impediment to continuing her relationship. But if he has not come off as cheap and cold before, and if she is getting a 'sucks to be you' vibe from him, my thought is that she needs to look a lot more closely at their relationship. Is he angry at her for some reason? Looking at their dynamics under a microscope, can she honestly say she has given him no just reason to feel used or taken for granted? The obvious short-term solution is to put the brakes on this vacation and plan a different, more affordable trip. Your friend should keep a close eye on his reaction to this proposal--is he put out because his dream vacation is being reconstructed? Is he relieved that his girlfriend is taking a more financially responsible approach? Does he decide to take the more expensive vacation and replace her with one of his friends who can afford it? His reaction could speak volumes.
Hot Chick Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 So if she doesn't go on the trip, is it a case of he will go without her? Usually on a trip with romantic partners, the trip is planned together and the main purpose of the trip is to spend time with the romantic person in an exciting location other than home. If he really wanted her to go, he would pay for her ticket because it would mean a lot that they were going on a trip together as a couple. Also, even if she does get enough money to pay for her airfare, there are lots of other expenses on vacations -going out to eat, hotel.....has he said he is going to pay for everything else, she just has to provide the ticket? I feel that something is off in their relationship if they aren't planning this trip together and "making it happen" together as a couple so they can enjoy a trip as a couple.
serial muse Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 The obvious short-term solution is to put the brakes on this vacation and plan a different, more affordable trip. Your friend should keep a close eye on his reaction to this proposal--is he put out because his dream vacation is being reconstructed? Is he relieved that his girlfriend is taking a more financially responsible approach? Does he decide to take the more expensive vacation and replace her with one of his friends who can afford it? His reaction could speak volumes. Very wise post, especially the above (which Stung explained much better than I did, but is what I also meant by "his reaction should tell her everything she needs to know").
Pierre Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I have a friend who is in a long-term relationship (2+ years), they live together. The other day she told me they started talking about flying out for a vacation. Her BF's dad works for an airline so he gets free airfare. She would have to pay for her ticket. The thing is, she would have to save every red cent she could for the next several months at least, to be able to afford her own fare, and even then it isn't guaranteed she'd have enough. She wouldn't be able to buy anyone presents for Christmas. She wouldn't be able to have a night out with friends. Her BF would be able to pay for her, but he doesn't seem willing. She's pretty distraught about it, given he knows what sacrifices she would have to make, and he wouldn't have to make any sacrifices near to that. Presumably she hasn't given him any reason to think she would take advantage. I've hung out with them a lot and they seem like a good couple, from what I've seen and what he's said, she treats him well. The BF is a selfish jerk and probably the same guy that refuses to pay for dinner on a date and demands dutch. Shame of the silly stupid women that move in with these jerks when there is no commitment. That is why I am against all these silly folks playing marriage when in reality they are simply selfish immature people. A normal MAN and let me make this clear the BF is not a MAN would never behave like this loser. She should dump this jerk ASAP.
Imageiko Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I agree with the consensus. I'd look at his free ticket as a discount and then just split the cost of her ticket. Any other solution seems pretty cheap/selfish to me.
binny Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I agree with what everyone has been saying - it would be nice of him, if he had finances to do so, to offer to pay for half of her ticket. Personally, I wouldn't expect for anyone to offer to pay for me nor would I accept it (I am too independent to accept offers like that). But it is the thought behind the gesture that counts - it would be nice for him to offer regardless of whether your friend accepted. If he plans on marrying her one day, then I think he should offer to treat her. As has been mentioned by a serial muse and stug, it would be interesting to see his reaction to your friend proposing to go on vacation somewhere more affordable.
OliveOyl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I assume they are planning the vacation as a joint trip? Then yes splitting the costs of the second ticket seems the obvious solution. Getting a "sucks to be you" vibe is bad.... very, very bad.
LittleTiger Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Once two people become a couple, they are 'a couple' - that's a singular 'we' and it takes two people making a commitment to one another to produce that 'we'. Without it, you're two individuals, not a couple - and that's what seems to be going on here. It sounds like your friend's bf is her flatmate. If that's the case then it's a shame she can't afford the flight and presumably he'll just go on holiday without her. If, however, they are supposed to be 'a couple', then he is a selfish jerk. Even if they're one of these modern couples who, for some reason I don't understand, prefers to keep their individual finances separate, they are presumably planning to have a holiday 'together'. In which case, the free ticket is a bonus for both of them and reduces the overall 'shared' cost of the holiday. Personally, I wouldn't spend five minutes with a guy who was so selfish and showed so little commitment.
norajane Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Where will they be staying while on this vacation? A hotel? Perhaps he is paying the full cost of the hotel instead of splitting that with her? That might add to up to just as much (or far more) than cost of airfare. Also, has she discussed this with him? Has she even said, "sweetheart, no way I can afford this without starving for the next 3 months." I feel like there are a lot of assumptions being made and vagueness surrounding this whole thing.
Pierre Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Where will they be staying while on this vacation? A hotel? Perhaps he is paying the full cost of the hotel instead of splitting that with her? That might add to up to just as much (or far more) than cost of airfare. Also, has she discussed this with him? Has she even said, "sweetheart, no way I can afford this without starving for the next 3 months." I feel like there are a lot of assumptions being made and vagueness surrounding this whole thing. Why do women make excuses for these men? Are they that desperate to get a man? Any man? Why do women put up with men like this guy?
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