superchiefs Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) For everyone that doesnt know my story, here it is: My financee dumped me this past April. I suspect that she was having an affair with a married coworker of hers. He filed for divorce against his wife in May, then the 2 of them officially started dating a week after his divorce was finalized in July. Then he cheated on her with another recently divorced woman. Then my ex started dating the ex husband of that divorced woman. My ex has been sending me random messages, saying things such as "My niece misses your truck" and "My niece made me cry yesterday because of you". Then this past week, she posted the following long message on facebook. Please share your thoughts about all of this with me: If I had left everything alone in my life, I would be getting married in a month. 11/11/11, the date I picked partly because I thought it was cool, but mostly because my father did. 11/11, the date that will be stuck in my head forever as the day I “almost got married but didn’t”. Looking back on the last six months or so, I’m amazed at how much everything has changed – especially how much I have changed. I have gone through experiences and relationships that I never thought were possible. All of them, however, have helped to reshape me into someone new, someone just a little different than the girl who’d been around for the last 27 years. I have learned a lot since I called off my engagement and ended my six-year relationship at the end of April. I have learned that calling off a relationship of any kind takes courage that not a lot of people have, but more should find. If you are not happy, fix it. Don’t hide from it and escape in other ways because those never last. I have learned that sometimes, people aren’t at all what they seem. That you can think you know someone better than anyone else, yet in an instant, all of that can come crashing down and you realize he or she was not that person at all. I have learned that there are some people out there who will literally ruin everything they have for a little risk and pleasure, with no regard for others. I have learned that lies, especially lies from people you trust, hurt more than just about any physical pain you can imagine. I have learned that falling in love is easy, but falling out of love is the hardest thing in the entire world. I have learned that no matter how much you beg someone to change, they will never do it until they’re ready – and sometimes that day never comes. I have learned that the past can hurt, but you either run away from it or you learn from it. I have learned, from a very close friend, that if you were really sorry for something, it wouldn’t have happened to begin with. I have learned that it’s easy to blame everyone else for your problems, but sometimes impossible to take responsibility for them on your own. I have learned to think before I act. To pay closer attention to what’s going on around me. To have a little less faith that people are inherently good and look out for myself. I have learned that trust is not something to be given away freely – it is something people need to earn and not something everyone deserves. But above all of those lessons that I’ve learned the hard way, I have also learned that no matter how alone you think you are, there is always someone out there who cares. There is always someone who will hold you while you cry, who will listen to you talk, and who will chew the ass of the person who has made your life miserable, even when they hardly know you. You just have to figure out who it is and find him. I have learned that even with all the evil in the world, there is still good, and eventually you will find it. No matter how much **** you have to wade through to get there. Edited October 14, 2011 by superchiefs
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 why do you care? Aren't you blissfully in love with your new girl??
vsmini Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 First off all I think she's an attention-getting piece of work if she posted all of that on FACEBOOK for the world to see. Given all of her past mistakes I take what she says with a bag of salt. If she really has learned she can show it in her actions (in her next relationship) and not in her stupid facebook posts.
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I suspect that she was having an affair with a married coworker of hers. He filed for divorce against his wife in May, then the 2 of them officially started dating a week after his divorce was finalized in July. Then he cheated on her with another recently divorced woman. Then my ex started dating the ex husband of that divorced woman. This must be a really small town! Self-destuctive behavior and it seems like she never learns. Attaching herself to anything she can find. All that mumbo jumbo about learning? She hasn't learnt anything. A bunch of words to get your attention and a way to redeem herself. Aren't you getting engaged? Why are you focusing on this? This is really unfair to your current fiancee. Or I forgot, both of you were ganging up on your ex and playing in the mud. So NO ONE has learnt anything, sadly.
Author superchiefs Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 why do you care? Aren't you blissfully in love with your new girl?? I have no idea why I care. As for my new girl, yes, I am in love with her. However, I am starting to develop some self esteem issues because sometimes my new girl reminds me of my old girl, and then I start thinking that she will dump me at any given time and catch me off guard like my old girl did. Does that make sense?
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I have no idea why I care. As for my new girl, yes, I am in love with her. However, I am starting to develop some self esteem issues because sometimes my new girl reminds me of my old girl, and then I start thinking that she will dump me at any given time and catch me off guard like my old girl did. Does that make sense? Super I told you months ago to take your time before jumping into a new relationship. This is why. You never grieved for your last relationship and that is a receipe for disaster down the line. I also recommended Therapy. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because 1) it will help you with self esteem and 2) it will help make sense of all this..It will organise your thoughts properly..
Author superchiefs Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 This must be a really small town! Self-destuctive behavior and it seems like she never learns. Attaching herself to anything she can find. All that mumbo jumbo about learning? She hasn't learnt anything. A bunch of words to get your attention and a way to redeem herself. Aren't you getting engaged? Why are you focusing on this? This is really unfair to your current fiancee. Or I forgot, both of you were ganging up on your ex and playing in the mud. So NO ONE has learnt anything, sadly. No, I am not getting engaged. I dont know why I am focussing on this, it is just on my mind and I wanted to get other people's opinion of it all. And yes, my current girlfriend and I were playing in the mud a couple of months ago and I know that we should not have been. Nothing positive came from it.
Author superchiefs Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Super I told you months ago to take your time before jumping into a new relationship. This is why. You never grieved for your last relationship and that is a receipe for disaster down the line. I also recommended Therapy. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because 1) it will help you with self esteem and 2) it will help make sense of all this..It will organise your thoughts properly.. I already did therapy. I did therapy for a couple of months and the therapist told me I was in good shape and that there was no point in continuing the sessions. He told me that whenever I thought about my ex, that I should just think to myself "Glad it isnt me" and that I should focus on the good times with my new girlfriend.
Graceful Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Super, Granted, your ex posted this on her FB page, but for you to copy and paste it here is beyond the pale in my book. Non-ethical. Just because you 'can' do it, does not mean you should. This is crossing a boundary. My focus is only on you, not on your ex. I'd advise you to request that this thread be removed. You should be ashamed of yourself, seriously, dude; very poor judgement on your part. As for why you are wondering about this? You need help to process your breakup. Trying to shed light on what your ex is thinking -- what help is that to you? You need to figure why YOU care, why YOU want to know, why YOU would post such a thing here. That's what will help you. Get on with it or stay stuck in the same place for the foreseeable future. Sorry.
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 He told me that whenever I thought about my ex, that I should just think to myself "Glad it isnt me" and that I should focus on the good times with my new girlfriend. There you go...
mike111 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 First off all I think she's an attention-getting piece of work if she posted all of that on FACEBOOK for the world to see. Facebook has created more retards than any other electronic venue in the entire world. I really cannot stand the thing. It's like, "Hi everybody! This is my facebook page! This is my picture! Now read about all my stupidity!" Twitter is just about as bad........... mike
vsmini Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Facebook has created more retards than any other electronic venue in the entire world. I really cannot stand the thing. It's like, "Hi everybody! This is my facebook page! This is my picture! Now read about all my stupidity!" Twitter is just about as bad........... mike I don't think Facebook has created retards....it's just made people's narcisissm that much more transparent.
Graceful Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Facebook has created more retards than any other electronic venue in the entire world. I really cannot stand the thing. It's like, "Hi everybody! This is my facebook page! This is my picture! Now read about all my stupidity!" Twitter is just about as bad........... mike Granted, and I fully agree that FB is absurd. But to post what was on the ex's page ... in entirety ... rather than paraphrase? That's wrong -- utterly wrong. Regardless of her making it available for the world to see. My principles go beyond what I 'can' do -- that's my responsibility and should have been with the OP. I'm out of this one. Why sling mud against the ex, anyhow? That's not purposeful or helpful. Goes way beyond what I can tolerate, I guess.
thatone Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 you should've replied... "i learned that some women are selfish whores." "i learned you're one of them."
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) No, I am not getting engaged. I dont know why I am focussing on this, it is just on my mind and I wanted to get other people's opinion of it all. And yes, my current girlfriend and I were playing in the mud a couple of months ago and I know that we should not have been. Nothing positive came from it. The fact that you cannot enjoy your new relationship or focus on your girlfriend is telling Super. If you were over your ex, it would not mean a thing. You wouldn't be here analyzing her words with a fine tooth comb. And it wasn't even addressed to you. Just a random post on FB! Before you healed from your R with your ex, you jumped into this R and before you know it you were wanting to get engaged. Everything happened at lightning speed. I have a strong feeling you just wanted to fill a void and attached yourself to a girl that you felt came close to doing the job. You found a replacement that could possibly mask your pain and hurt since you didn't wann to deal with it yourself. Your focus on your ex is a big indication that you are not over her. You can come here and say you are done all you want because if my ex sent me some baloney, it would be baloney to me. But you wanting to find hidden messages, trying to read between lines, deciphering her meaning is a clear indication that you are still stuck on her. If you can't enjoy your current girlfriend or R, you shouldn't be involved since you clearly have unresolved issues. Edited October 14, 2011 by geegirl
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 The fact that you cannot enjoy your new relationship or focus on your girlfriend is telling Super. If you were over your ex, it would not mean a thing. You wouldn't be here analyzing her words with a fine tooth comb. And it wasn't even addressed to you. Just a random post on FB! Before you healed from your R with your ex, you jumped into this R and before you know it you were wanting to get engaged. Everything happened at lightning speed. I have a strong feeling you just wanted to fill a void and attached yourself to a girl that you felt came close to doing the job. You found a replacement that could possibly mask your pain and hurt since you didn't wann to deal with it yourself. Your focus on your ex is a big indication that you are not over her. You can come here and say you are done all you want because if my ex sent me some baloney, it would be baloney to me. But you wanting to find hidden messages, trying to read between lines, deciphering her meaning is a clear indication that you are still stuck on her. If you can't enjoy your current girlfriend or R, you shouldn't be involved since you clearly have unresolved issues. I 110% agree with this...
Author superchiefs Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 So is the advice on this board that I should break up with my current girlfriend, even though I love her, because I am still not over my last one?
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 So is the advice on this board that I should break up with my current girlfriend, even though I love her, because I am still not over my last one? You have to make that decision. Is it true that you are still not over your ex? Should you be in an R when you aren't? Is it fair to your partner that your head is filled with your ex? Are you doing right by her? Did you pick someone right for you or just a replacement? If you are over your ex, why does she still rent space in your head? Can you "love" someone and still be pining for your ex? I question your "love" for your current gf when you are still not over your ex. Questions you need to ask yourself and decide for yourself. No one can tell you what you should do. We're outsiders looking in and giving you an unemotional picture of what it looks like.
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) Superchiefs you need to be honest with your girl and more importantly honest with yourself. You met this girl two days after you posted on this forum how heartbroken you were from your ex. After a few months you were asking should you get engaged a few months after another engagement ending!. I mean can't you see the signs? It's as obvious as hell this girl is literally a replacement for the last girl. When you lose an emotionally fullfilling relationship it is a devastating blow and hard to take. People look elsewhere to fill the void left by the ex. Some turn to food, some alcohol, some drugs, some to another person. All these methods are very unhealthy ways as to try filling up an emotional void. This is why its so important to heal and grieve a relationship in the correct way (see my signature). If my ex posted some stuff like that on Facebook/Twitter I would never know! Why? because I couldn't give a monkey's nutsack what happens with her. I don't think about her and I don't care what she does. I have a girlfriend now who has 110% of my attention and devotion. Why? Because to give her less would be doing a diservice to me and a diservice to her. Edited October 14, 2011 by Mack05
Author superchiefs Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 You have to make that decision. Is it true that you are still not over your ex? Should you be in an R when you aren't? Is it fair to your partner that your head is filled with your ex? Are you doing right by her? Did you pick someone right for you or just a replacement? If you are over your ex, why does she still rent space in your head? Can you "love" someone and still be pining for your ex? I question your "love" for your current gf when you are still not over your ex. Questions you need to ask yourself and decide for yourself. No one can tell you what you should do. We're outsiders looking in and giving you an unemotional picture of what it looks like. I dont want to break things off with my new girlfriend. I love her too much to do that and I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I think I am over my ex, but I do have her as a fb friend, I do see and read all the stuff she posts and it does make me angry every time she sends me a text or fb message about something her niece said and I dont really understand why she does it. Also, I wouldnt say my head is filled with my ex. I would say that I think about my ex maybe 5% of the time. The rest of the time I am thinking about other things.
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I dont want to break things off with my new girlfriend. I love her too much to do that and I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I think I am over my ex, but I do have her as a fb friend, I do see and read all the stuff she posts and it does make me angry every time she sends me a text or fb message about something her niece said and I dont really understand why she does it. Also, I wouldnt say my head is filled with my ex. I would say that I think about my ex maybe 5% of the time. The rest of the time I am thinking about other things. Well give your new relationship a chance to work then. Remove your ex from Facebook and break all contact with her (i.e. Block her/never reply). In my eyes, rebound relationships rarely last long term (hence the name rebound) and I will be surprised if this lasts to be honest. I think you are in utter denial and kidding yourself. I guess time will tell. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with your girl?
wilsonx Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I honestly do not think you are over your ex. You really need to take a step back and take a look at yourself. 2 months ago you posted this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293761/ You were questioning yourself as to whether or not this was a rebound. Honestly if you have to create a thread and question it, it is a rebound because you do not have the self awareness to just accept it and move forward. 2 months after the creation of this thread, you are still stuck on your ex and questioning things she puts on her facebook wall. If you were to tell your girlfriend this now, and she had any brains, she would send you packing. This is a relationship redflag. I know for a fact I am not over my ex, I am about 5 months out and 4 months NC. I can sit here and pretend that it doesnt hurt any more or I dont have feelings and I dont think about her but I do. That desire is there for me to wonder why she stalked me online and sent me pictures of another girl at the 4 month mark. My ex is doing the same thing you are except I blocked her completely from facebook and all. Shes not over me by a long shot but I do not care about that. My goal is to look forward The fact is you do still care, you still look at her facebook wall, you still question why she posts what she does there. You rebounded, its that simple. I am going to be flat out honest, you are lying to yourself. This is co-dependent behavior. You need to address it or its going to happen again and you are going to jump ship again
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I dont want to break things off with my new girlfriend. I love her too much to do that and I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I think I am over my ex, but I do have her as a fb friend, I do see and read all the stuff she posts and it does make me angry every time she sends me a text or fb message about something her niece said and I dont really understand why she does it. Also, I wouldnt say my head is filled with my ex. I would say that I think about my ex maybe 5% of the time. The rest of the time I am thinking about other things. Then you block her from FB and remove her from your head and life and focus solely on your current relationship. You say you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, then stop letting your ex hang over your shoulder and move forward. If it is making you angry, remove it from your life. The fact that you entertain it makes me wonder. If I was your current gf, I would send you packing too as Wilsonx mentioned. If you love this woman, then you will love her enough to remove your ex from your life. Simple.
Author superchiefs Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 I honestly do not think you are over your ex. You really need to take a step back and take a look at yourself. 2 months ago you posted this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293761/ You were questioning yourself as to whether or not this was a rebound. Honestly if you have to create a thread and question it, it is a rebound because you do not have the self awareness to just accept it and move forward. 2 months after the creation of this thread, you are still stuck on your ex and questioning things she puts on her facebook wall. If you were to tell your girlfriend this now, and she had any brains, she would send you packing. This is a relationship redflag. I know for a fact I am not over my ex, I am about 5 months out and 4 months NC. I can sit here and pretend that it doesnt hurt any more or I dont have feelings and I dont think about her but I do. That desire is there for me to wonder why she stalked me online and sent me pictures of another girl at the 4 month mark. My ex is doing the same thing you are except I blocked her completely from facebook and all. Shes not over me by a long shot but I do not care about that. My goal is to look forward The fact is you do still care, you still look at her facebook wall, you still question why she posts what she does there. You rebounded, its that simple. I am going to be flat out honest, you are lying to yourself. This is co-dependent behavior. You need to address it or its going to happen again and you are going to jump ship again My girlfriend knows that I am fb friends with my ex and she also knows what my ex posted on her fb because I showed it to her. I really dont think I have feelings for my ex, I know would never even consider being in a relationship with her again, but I must admit that it does sort of make me feel good to know that her coworker cheated on her. And what are you talking about, jumping ship? I havent jumped any ship.
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 My girlfriend knows that I am fb friends with my ex and she also knows what my ex posted on her fb because I showed it to her. I really dont think I have feelings for my ex, I know would never even consider being in a relationship with her again, but I must admit that it does sort of make me feel good to know that her coworker cheated on her. And what are you talking about, jumping ship? I havent jumped any ship. I think all three of you need to sit together, hold hands and sing kumbaya. Just a mess. Why don't you and your girlfriend decipher the message together instead of coming here and asking us when clearly, both of you should be able to get answers seeing you are all playing some sick game.
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