luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I'll try to make this as brief as I can. I'm 36, she's 37 and have been together 20 years, married for 4. We have two boys 12 and 3. She left 2 months ago saying that she needs time to figure things out. It took a few weeks, but I finally find out that she has had enough of our arguing--she says that we argue all the time (which we don't). She also has a problem with me always needing to be right and with me not always thinking of her needs before my own. I admit that I have a problem with this, but I am trying to fix them--both by myself and with the help of a counselor. She is not having an affair (I am certain) and she has yet to file for divorce, but has mentioned it. She is visibly angry and depressed and has admitted to me that she doesn't sleep very well and spends all day at work thinking about our situation. I've told her that I have the same problems. She has told me, our friends, and our families that she is not going to come back, that she has tried too many times, and that it never gets better. For the time being, I am giving her time and space (hard to do with kids going back and forth) and I am currently seeing a counselor to help with my problems. In the past I would never have sought outside help, but I know how much she means to me and how much our marriage and our kids mean to me, so I will do everything I can to make things better. There is more to this story, but I will wait to elaborate depending on replies. So, I am asking for advice. Am I doing the right thing? Should I give up and file myself or should I wait and hope that she comes around?
momto3boys Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I dont have much advice because i am going through the exact same thing except my husband left me just a month and a half ago and we are expecting here in a few weeks. But he said the same thing about me, we argue too much (which we do) and i always have to be right and things always have to go my way. which is sorta true but its usually in cases when it comes to the kids. Thats the only time. Anyways i think seeking counseling is a good idea. i also think giving her the time and space she needs is a good idea too. This is what i have been doing. It seems like when i back off and give my ex his space he comes around but the minute i am calling him a lot and stuff he just gets even angrier.
Author luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 One of the problems with giving her time is that we always have to see each other because of the kids and whenever that happens, she always tries to start an argument. She also thinks that I am trying to screw her over and that I am trying to take the kids away from her and will try to get child support. I have never given her any reason to suspect that I would do anything like that and have repeatedly told her that I love her, that she is a great mom, and I would never to anything to jeapordize that--it isn't fair to her or the kids.
momto3boys Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 My ex and i argue when he takes our son too. We are arguing about him coming to the birth of this baby. I'd just possibly get the kids as quick as you can and try to avoid saying anything. Thats what i do. I hand off our son, or i take him without saying a word unless it involves our child. I'd just keep reassuring her that you are not trying to take the kids, you think they're good with her and that she's a good mom. I think most moms tend to worry about custody when it comes to separation/divorce/break up. I know as a mother, i worry about the same thing. i also worry about getting screwed over and my ex trying to take our kids even though i know im a good mom. I guess maybe she feels like maybe you might try to do that out of spite? (which a lot of people tend to be spiteful during a divorce/break up/separation.). I'd be as nice as you can be to her and keep reminding her you arent going to try to take the kids from her.
Author luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 I just worry that she isn't going to want to come back. She knows that I will change, but has repeatedly stated that it won't last and I keep trying to reassure her by saying that I am doing things differently this time--I'm not trying to do it by myself, I'm seeking the help of a counselor not to mention the help of family and friends. I know she still loves me and in my heart I know she wants to believe, but she is a very stubborn woman and it is hard to change her mind when she's made it up.
momto3boys Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 My ex says the same thing. Ive learned to just let him think what he wants to think. Actions speak louder than words. I have changed a lot since being separated and have grown a lot. Maybe try to show her youre changing, instead of telling her? Thats really all you can do. My ex says the same thing, it wont last. Or he says "things will be good for a few months then they go right back to how they were". Maybe suggest marriage counseling while you also do your own counseling? Just a thought.
Author luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 I've tried asking her to go to marriage counseling, but she doesn't want to go. She thinks that it won't do any good based on having to go to a counselor when her parents got divorced 15 years ago. What really starts to bother me, is she has started talking about moving out of her dads house and buying a condo to live in. I am having a hard time with her feeling as though she needs to move on after only 2 months apart.
Author luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 I should also mention that when she first left, she would still come around to spend time with me and the kids, have dinner occasionally, and even watch TV together once or twice a week for the first two weeks. She let me give her a back rub, we would hug, and she would let me kiss her goodbye at the end of the night. Then after the second or third week, that all stopped and she has progressively gotten more and more distant, with more and more reasons coming out why she left. When we sit and talk (mainly me trying to offer suggestions on how we can fix some things), she is active in the conversation and even offers suggestions herself, but by the next day, she is right back to saying she isn't going to do this again and she isn't coming back--it's all very confusing. Sometimes I wonder if she's does this just to hurt me.
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 She is not having an affair (I am certain) Sadly, I beg to differ
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I just worry that she isn't going to want to come back. I know it isn't easy but the's gone!!, you need to wake up and smell the coffee. The sooner you accept it's over the better. If I was you your first priority 1. Seek legal advice, go for a 50/50 separation agreement. Forget her worrying about you taking the kids, you need to cover yourself in case she takes them from you. then 2. Verify if their is another man, read through the stories here, it all plays to the same infidelity script. If you ask her of course she will deny it!!. You need to find out for sure. 3. Drop her like a 50 a day cigarette habit, only chat about kids. If she starts arguing then stand up to her, don't take the bait but someting along the lines of "Wife, until you can speak to me in a friendly and civil manner this conversation is over" Then walk away. 4. Work on yourself, get excercising, eat, sleep properly, get out and meet new friends, start a new hobby. This is all going to be very difficult at first but act as if, and slowly you will begin to feel better. The sooner you stop acting like her doormat, the sooner she will stop wiping her cr*ppy shoes all over you.
Author luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 I am absolutely positive that there isn't another man and while I understand the skepticism, she has no intention of taking the kids away from me any more than I from her. I have remained committed to no contact unless it has to do with the kids because I know how I am around her and it makes us both uncomfortable. I try to take care of myself, but it is hard at times, but I still do the best I can for myself and my kids. I know she still thinks of us and I know it is hard on her too, but I'm just not willing to give up on us yet and hopefully she will see the things I am doing and will want to be a part of it.
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I am absolutely positive that there isn't another man and while I understand the skepticism, she has no intention of taking the kids away from me any more than I from her. I have remained committed to no contact unless it has to do with the kids because I know how I am around her and it makes us both uncomfortable. I try to take care of myself, but it is hard at times, but I still do the best I can for myself and my kids. I know she still thinks of us and I know it is hard on her too, but I'm just not willing to give up on us yet and hopefully she will see the things I am doing and will want to be a part of it. Ok, so you've checked her cellphone records, your keylogging her computer? Tracked her car? How do you know? The reason i ask is because if there is you need to be doing some very different things.
Author luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 I am absolutely positive that there is NOT another guy.
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I am absolutely positive that there is NOT another guy. The advice you will get on here is more valuable than any marriage counsellor. I personally have reconciled my marriage and I want to give you the best advice to help you do the same. I will not speak to a brick wall!! so tell me how you know for sure
Author luvhurts49 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 I will graciously listen to any advice that is given to me through this forum, however, I do not feel the need to explain myself when I have simply stated that I know, without any doubt, that there is NOT another man in the picture. Now you can take me at my word and believe what I have said or you can ignore me and refuse to give advice based on your needing to know "how" I know this--this choice is yours. If I had any doubts in this matter, I would have simply stated that I am not sure, but in this case, I am positive. I apologize in advance if I offend anybody.
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I will graciously listen to any advice that is given to me through this forum, however, I do not feel the need to explain myself when I have simply stated that I know, without any doubt, that there is NOT another man in the picture. Now you can take me at my word and believe what I have said or you can ignore me and refuse to give advice based on your needing to know "how" I know this--this choice is yours. If I had any doubts in this matter, I would have simply stated that I am not sure, but in this case, I am positive. I apologize in advance if I offend anybody. It is indeed pointless to give you any advice if you don't tell the whole story, good luck with everything.
TroyNJ Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 There is either OM or about to be one....Wake up boss!
Space Ritual Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 you would be well advised to start the 180 on her and prepare yourself for a life as a co-parent and nothing more. Your posts SCREAM another man, but you are in denial. Its ok, most people are, and you will find out soon enough. In the meantime, read up on the 180 and apply what you can to it..... You can't "nice" her back into a marriage,and I think you simply have to realize you can only work on improving youself over time and hope she sees the results of it in a positive manner...
Rimer Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 luvhurts49 I understand were your coming from. I started dating my GF at a very young age we were 16 and we were together for 8½ years. We've been broken up for 7 weeks now. At first she would get angry everytime I asked about us more than once. We went 1 week NC and after that things got a little better. We could talk more but not about us untill last saturday we had a long talk about us and future. We also had our arguments it seems about everything even little like who should clean the breadcrumbs! Also I did the same mistake of needing to always be right even if deep down I knew I was wrong. I'm also now seeing counseling to fix myself about these problems also found out I've been suffering from depression for few years from the counseling. I have low self esteem too even before the break up because of the depression. Now were in contact weekly not so much this week tho as we both agreed on this to think about stuff. My only advice for myself and you is work on yourself and give her time.
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