mzdolphin Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I've been an OW and BS. But I've never cheated on someone. Meaning, if I'm dating someone seriously, there is no other person in my life. I've often wondered if there are just people who cheat and people who don't. I know there are exceptions to the rule, but... I remember dating a nice guy when I was only 22. I met someone new that I liked. Knew I had to break it off with boyfriend before I could date the other guy. My boyfriend had tickets to see Pat Methany at the Beacon Theater in New York. I wanted to go so bad. Could have waited after concert, but broke it off anyway. Nice boyfriend wanted to take me anyway, acknowledging he understood it was over, but knew how bad I wanted to go. I didn't think it was right because I was now going to be somebody else's girl friend. So I didn't go. I just didn't have it in me to cheat. Are there just cheaters and non cheater personalities? You know like type As, or addictive personalities.
Bryanp Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 It is called integrity and having a strong moral compass. It is something that you have and cheaters do not.
PegNosePete Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I've been an OW You do have a moral compass but it doesn't quite point North...
StrongerThanB4 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 You do have a moral compass but it doesn't quite point North... Exactly! She doesn't cheat but oh what they hey...helps married people cheat!
nofool4u Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I've been an OW and BS. But I've never cheated on someone. you were an OW, but never cheated on someone. thats like saying, "I have robbed a bank before, but I never assaulted anyone, therefore I'm not a criminal" I remember dating a nice guy when I was only 22. I met someone new that I liked. Knew I had to break it off with boyfriend before I could date the other guy. My boyfriend had tickets to see Pat Methany at the Beacon Theater in New York. I wanted to go so bad. Could have waited after concert, but broke it off anyway. Nice boyfriend wanted to take me anyway, acknowledging he understood it was over, but knew how bad I wanted to go. I didn't think it was right because I was now going to be somebody else's girl friend. So I didn't go. I just didn't have it in me to cheat. Are there just cheaters and non cheater personalities? You know like type As, or addictive personalities. I think so. But if you don't have it in you to cheat, what made you think it was ok to be with someone else that was cheating? If you don't have it in you to cheat, that should keep you from being with someone that does. Since you were an OW, saying you don't have it in you to cheat really doesn't mean much. But I'll digress. You did the right thing in not using this guy for concert tickets. Even when he knew it was over and wanted to take you anyway, you did the honorable thing in that situation.
StoneCold Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 . Are there just cheaters and non cheater personalities? You know like type As, or addictive personalities. I dont think its that black and white.... IMO its a spectrum...a range. I think the capability of cheating is in everyone ( just like I beleive everyone is capable of murder...given the right circumstances) but the questions are....what are the triggers? what are the thresholds? These vary wildly from person to person. Some dont have much of a threshold at all...many lie within a "moderate" range..... and some on the other end may likely never hit their threshold...but that doesnt mean its not there. Many will chime in and say "I will never cheat" when really all they can truly say is "I have never cheated and dont plan on it"....thats fair... but they are alive and posting on this board so their life isnt over....and things change...plans change too
MissBee Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I think there may be people more prone to cheating than others....whether it is they are conflict avoidant, impulsive, lack conscience or what have you. I also think someone can cheat,...anyone can cheat but it is not based upon a chronic problem within them but at a particular time, particular circumstances (emotional state of mind etc) made them more susceptible. I have never cheated on someone as I have little energy for game playing, I have a big conscience, I cannot manage the affection, worst have sex with 2 men at the same time, I also do not get into relationships willy nilly, so when I am in one, it is because I truly have eyes for no one else. I do think a problem is that most people have poor relationship habits period. They know how to form a relationship alright...anyone can do that...but have no clue on how to sustain and nurture it. I think that is something one has to learn and should learn before getting married and most never learn it...so perhaps they did not intend to cheat but because of poor relationship skills, when problems arise, they resort to that instead of more productive mechanisms. I think that is at the heart of A LOT of relationship issues...just an ignorance or lack of the proper tools.
MilfinBerle Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I've been an OW and BS. But I've never cheated on someone. Meaning, if I'm dating someone seriously, there is no other person in my life. I've often wondered if there are just people who cheat and people who don't. I know there are exceptions to the rule, but... I remember dating a nice guy when I was only 22. I met someone new that I liked. Knew I had to break it off with boyfriend before I could date the other guy. My boyfriend had tickets to see Pat Methany at the Beacon Theater in New York. I wanted to go so bad. Could have waited after concert, but broke it off anyway. Nice boyfriend wanted to take me anyway, acknowledging he understood it was over, but knew how bad I wanted to go. I didn't think it was right because I was now going to be somebody else's girl friend. So I didn't go. I just didn't have it in me to cheat. Are there just cheaters and non cheater personalities? You know like type As, or addictive personalities. Quite obviously, by the time you decided to break up with bf no. 1, you had already become emotionally enough involved with bf no. 2 that you felt comfortable breaking up with no. 1, already knowing you had a relationship lined up with no. 2. Which means the relationship with no. 2 was already established and existed prior to breaking up with no. 1. Which means, dear, that yes--you cheated.
nofool4u Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Many will chime in and say "I will never cheat" when really all they can truly say is "I have never cheated and dont plan on it"....thats fair... but they are alive and posting on this board so their life isnt over....and things change...plans change too whatever makes you feel better about your own character I suppose
StoneCold Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 whatever makes you feel better about your own character I suppose Uhh ........yeah sure
ladydesigner Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I dont think its that black and white.... IMO its a spectrum...a range. I think the capability of cheating is in everyone ( just like I beleive everyone is capable of murder...given the right circumstances) but the questions are....what are the triggers? what are the thresholds? These vary wildly from person to person. Some dont have much of a threshold at all...many lie within a "moderate" range..... and some on the other end may likely never hit their threshold...but that doesnt mean its not there. Many will chime in and say "I will never cheat" when really all they can truly say is "I have never cheated and dont plan on it"....thats fair... but they are alive and posting on this board so their life isnt over....and things change...plans change too I agree with this post completely StoneCold. Given the right situation and circumstances I feel a lot people COULD cheat. I was one who thought they could never cheat. I never wanted to. I had been cheated on by exes in the past and knew what it felt like. When my H cheated on me it was as if something took over in me. I like that you compared it to murder beacause in a sense I murdered my marriage by having an affair of my own. It was the very first thing that came to mind was to get even. I just wish I had better coping skills at the time. I coped by cheating back.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Quite obviously, by the time you decided to break up with bf no. 1, you had already become emotionally enough involved with bf no. 2 that you felt comfortable breaking up with no. 1, already knowing you had a relationship lined up with no. 2. Which means the relationship with no. 2 was already established and existed prior to breaking up with no. 1. Which means, dear, that yes--you cheated. Wrong. A friend had introduced me to guy No. 2. I was interested, but we hadn't gone on a date. I was 22. I felt I was more interested in No. 2 than I was in No. 1, but needed to break things off with No. 1 before dating No. 2. If you call that cheating, then everybody is a cheat.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 you were an OW, but never cheated on someone. thats like saying, "I have robbed a bank before, but I never assaulted anyone, therefore I'm not a criminal" I think so. But if you don't have it in you to cheat, what made you think it was ok to be with someone else that was cheating? --------------------------------------------- He told me he was divorced. By the time I figured out he was married we were months into the relationship. This was someone I had dated years ago when we were both single. When we reconnected, he presented himself as divorced. After I found out he was married, I broke it off. But I'll admit it took me longer to go full no contact as he continued to pursue a relationship even after I told his wife. I don't see that as the same as cheating on somebody.
MilfinBerle Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 (edited) Wrong. A friend had introduced me to guy No. 2. I was interested, but we hadn't gone on a date. I was 22. I felt I was more interested in No. 2 than I was in No. 1, but needed to break things off with No. 1 before dating No. 2. If you call that cheating, then everybody is a cheat. LOL so your definition of "cheating" is limited to whether or not you formally were "dating" guy no. 2 before breaking up with guy no. 1? You're kidding, right? You just got done saying how you already knew you were lined up to be no. 2's girlfriend and that's why you broke up with no. 1. You didn't originally say you broke up w/no. 1 simply because you were "interested" in 2. How could you know being in a relationship with no. 2 was even a possibility if you were not already at least emotionally involved with him? I didn't think it was right because I was now going to be somebody else's girl friend. You could only know, or anticipate, being his gf if you were already cheating with him. And no, "everybody" doesn't fish for new relationships while still in the old one. Edited October 15, 2011 by MilfinBerle
Author mzdolphin Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 You rock! I've lost COUNT of how many women post stories like this - they were lied to by their creep MM, led to believe he was 'single' or 'divorced.' In reality, the lying con man was married, and when the woman found out, she continued seeing the jerk, "because she was in too deep by then." Bullsh*t. That's just a person with NO self respect, whatsoever. You don't reward some lying sack of shi*t for conning you and lying to you for their OWN selfish purposes by continuing to see them. You do what YOU did - find your self respect and dump his sorry ass - and tell his wife on the way out the door. :laugh: That's what self respect is all about. Good on you. Thanks, but I can't say it was that easy. He was a pretty good liar and it helped him that he had his own place and his wife lived an eight hour drive away and worked full-time somewhere else. I went back and forth, wanting to believe him. But in the end, the FIRST LIE, about his marital status, was the lie I couldn't get past. "Had I told you I was married I feared you wouldn't even talk to me". Duh. But I would have been his friend as we had been friends in the past. I told him he blew up the friendship doing what he did.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 LOL so your definition of "cheating" is limited to whether or not you formally were "dating" guy no. 2 before breaking up with guy no. 1? You're kidding, right? You just got done saying how you already knew you were lined up to be no. 2's girlfriend and that's why you broke up with no. 1. You didn't originally say you broke up w/no. 1 simply because you were "interested" in 2. How could you know being in a relationship with no. 2 was even a possibility if you were not already at least emotionally involved with him? --------------------------- What are you talking about? Excuse me if you didn't have options at age 22, but if you're dating somebody and a friend introduces to somebody else (colleague) and sparks fly, you realize you are interested, you tell the guy you're dating that you want to break up. I don't know what type of life you lived in your early tweenties. You don't have to marry every guy you go out with. Pu-leeze. You could only know, or anticipate, being his gf if you were already cheating with him. And no, "everybody" doesn't fish for new relationships while still in the old one. Who said fish? I was single, in New York City, dating a guy a met on the job. A friend introduced me to another guy (we were both sports writers). I was attracted to him and he to me. He wanted to call and go out. Told him I was dating someone and would have to break it off with him first. To me that does not make somebody a cheat.
carhill Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 If the OP disclosed and ceased intimacy with her dating partner/boyfriend/whatever before pursuing another person, then she didn't cheat, as cheating involves deception and/or omission of truth. If she 'got to know' her new attraction for a few weeks while still banging her boyfriend and then broke up with him after she saw traction with the new fella, that's cheating in my book. Now, she could re-write the relationship to non-exclusive and, if BF agreed, she could pursue new fella without violating the cheating or infidelity boundaries. If she merely announced unilaterally that she had met someone and pursued him openly and in conflict with her BF's perspective without breaking up with him, that's infidelity. The latter is what often happened with MW's and myself, in open defiance of their H's wishes. It's a lot harder to 'break up' a family than leave a BF, evidently. Of course, any subterfuge/deception/lying was 'cheating', at least from my perspective. Often, however, the MW's perspective was different, no matter whether they deceived their spouse or de-prioritized the M openly; if they weren't banging me, we weren't having an affair nor cheating. In effect, some had two 'husbands', each filling different 'needs'. They rationalized it in their minds. OP, IME, your behavior is pretty normal for a young lady your age, always looking for the better, happier, more fulfilling deal and moving quickly from one deal to the next. This occurs because you are at the height of your sexual power and you simply can, so you do. In time, you'll find that relationships and people aren't stepping stones and you'll invest enough of yourself into them where it won't be easy to toss one aside as the next stone appears. You'll end one based strictly on its own dynamics and feel that loss and process it and then become fully available for a new relationship. Hope it works out. Signed, BTDT, seen all sides of it.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 If the OP disclosed and ceased intimacy with her dating partner/boyfriend/whatever before pursuing another person, then she didn't cheat, as cheating involves deception and/or omission of truth. If she 'got to know' her new attraction for a few weeks while still banging her boyfriend and then broke up with him after she saw traction with the new fella, that's cheating in my book. Now, she could re-write the relationship to non-exclusive and, if BF agreed, she could pursue new fella without violating the cheating or infidelity boundaries. If she merely announced unilaterally that she had met someone and pursued him openly and in conflict with her BF's perspective without breaking up with him, that's infidelity. The latter is what often happened with MW's and myself, in open defiance of their H's wishes. It's a lot harder to 'break up' a family than leave a BF, evidently. Of course, any subterfuge/deception/lying was 'cheating', at least from my perspective. Often, however, the MW's perspective was different, no matter whether they deceived their spouse or de-prioritized the M openly; if they weren't banging me, we weren't having an affair nor cheating. In effect, some had two 'husbands', each filling different 'needs'. They rationalized it in their minds. OP, IME, your behavior is pretty normal for a young lady your age, always looking for the better, happier, more fulfilling deal and moving quickly from one deal to the next. This occurs because you are at the height of your sexual power and you simply can, so you do. In time, you'll find that relationships and people aren't stepping stones and you'll invest enough of yourself into them where it won't be easy to toss one aside as the next stone appears. You'll end one based strictly on its own dynamics and feel that loss and process it and then become fully available for a new relationship. Hope it works out. Signed, BTDT, seen all sides of it. I'm in my forties now. I hadn't even gone on a date with new guy yet. But I knew I was way more interested in him than I was in the guy I was dating. That was why I knew I needed to break it off.
carhill Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I was basing my analysis off of this statement in the OP: 'I remember dating a nice guy when I was only 22. I met someone new that I liked. Knew I had to break it off with boyfriend before I could date the other guy.' I didn't see any indication of current age so I went with that information. Pat Metheny has been making wonderful music since the 70's so that wasn't a clear indicator of timeline either. So, what events in the interim prompted a lady in her 40's to discuss parameters of cheating?
seeker2010 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Sounds like you one of those whose moral compass whispers in your ear, "If he doesn't care, I don't?" I consider that to be in possession of a cheating mind.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I was basing my analysis off of this statement in the OP: 'I remember dating a nice guy when I was only 22. I met someone new that I liked. Knew I had to break it off with boyfriend before I could date the other guy.' I didn't see any indication of current age so I went with that information. Pat Metheny has been making wonderful music since the 70's so that wasn't a clear indicator of timeline either. So, what events in the interim prompted a lady in her 40's to discuss parameters of cheating? I had been posting on here often and was noticing comments from BS and OW about the chances of a WS cheating again. I just thought about that and posted this. The phrase "only 22" to me denotes that I considered this to be in my younger days. I know Metheny makes wonderful music. So missing that concert was a big deal for me. I was 22, living in the Big Apple, had moved their from a very small town in Florida. Anyway, I feel no need to explain further. You've developed your opinion of me. I know me better.
nofool4u Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 This was someone I had dated years ago when we were both single. When we reconnected, he presented himself as divorced. After I found out he was married, I broke it off. thanks for the clarification. good for you. I don't see that as the same as cheating on somebody. its not the same, its just a different kind of lousy behavior. but not in your case as you already said you broke it off when you found out.
Spark1111 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I was only ever exclusively with one man before I would ever consider another. If I became attracted to another man while in an exclusive relationship, I knew that meant I was not totally committed to the relationship as I had developed an attraction to another.I ended one relationship before I would even have a cup of coffee with another man. I ended one relationship honestly, before I entertained another. That is just who I am. If he had a gf or wife (YUCK) I discouraged his pursuit and ran away as I have always been blessed with a strong sense of empathy. I could NEVER engage with someone who had another in the wings. Sadly, I came to adulthood before I realized there were very few like me. I was a great gf, wife and would never betray that trust in me, my legacy as an honest woman with integrity. My reputation means too much to me. There are not that many like me, which I believe men intuit, and I have NEVER lacked for male attention. I know I am one of the good ones and worth all the effort to obtain for a relationship, whether friend or lover. I am worth your trust.
bentnotbroken Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I was only ever exclusively with one man before I would ever consider another. If I became attracted to another man while in an exclusive relationship, I knew that meant I was not totally committed to the relationship as I had developed an attraction to another.I ended one relationship before I would even have a cup of coffee with another man. I ended one relationship honestly, before I entertained another. That is just who I am. If he had a gf or wife (YUCK) I discouraged his pursuit and ran away as I have always been blessed with a strong sense of empathy. I could NEVER engage with someone who had another in the wings. Sadly, I came to adulthood before I realized there were very few like me. I was a great gf, wife and would never betray that trust in me, my legacy as an honest woman with integrity. My reputation means too much to me. There are not that many like me, which I believe men intuit, and I have NEVER lacked for male attention. I know I am one of the good ones and worth all the effort to obtain for a relationship, whether friend or lover. I am worth your trust. Hear! Hear!:bunny: You are so worth it Spark.
nyrias2 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 If there is a "cheating type", the proportion people who cheat would remain roughly constant, and unaffected by other factors, and will only change due to birth/death events. There are previous threads showing RESEARCH studies with evidence that the amount of cheating changes depending on general economics condition. Thus, it is indirect support that there is no single "type" that define if a person is a cheater. There are probably a multitude of psychological, personality and social-economical factors that contributes to the probability of cheating.
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