Emotional maturity; Developing it on what premise?

[Alexz]

Well, to start off with, I wanted to gain some insight through some of the perceptive people in this community who probably have developed a sense of emotional maturity with their stable personality. Any insight is appreciated.

 

Out of curiosity, I just wanted to ask if anyone else ever gets this feeling that individuals feign who they really are? I'm focusing on observing people in real life, not the internet where ego and personalities are just irrelevant to me (purely because of the massive disconnection that arises when interacting through an impersonal network). I bring this up because I feel that I have a tendency to try and understand people to their core, and when they dissemble or reveal their true face (to a point that is not at all congruent with their initial appearance), it sickens me. Perhaps its an overly-idealistic notion to assume people possess their positive aspects as part of their default nature, but I at least try to see the great side of an individual. And it just pains me when they were dissembling or attempting to gain initial favorable recognition. And I feel this goes for people in romantic relationships, initial encounters, the starts of friendships, etc. ( Its definitely alot more disappointing in long term relationships :/ )

 

All in all, I feel this stems off of a number of critical points that need to be emphasized. People often go through phases, one individual pointed out to me. Emotional development and personality stability often go hand in hand and might take decades to develop, varying from person to person. And it is understandable that some people put up defenses to protect themselves, or act with an alternate identity to seem more amiable (given the environment), but there seems to be a common behavioral pattern of not showing who you truly are. I can't attest to this, as it is not my default nature. But is it perhaps the relative agegroup? I admit, I am 19, last year in college, and its all too common to see superficiality in almost all social settings. Perhaps it changes? Is there a settling point or specific timing where people engage with others based on default natures that developed through the years of their life? Or is just plain difficult to find honest people nowadays?

 

Any insight would be great. This is purely out of curiosity and I'd love to learn more. Thank you for reading.

[Cee]

Wow, you have a great deal of insight and emotional maturity at 19!

 

Putting on a false front as a defense mechanism is highly encouraged in our society. It's not something people make up out of thin air. We are taught by our environment to behave in a certain way. A famous psychologist (can't remember who) posed a simple question, "What is the best predictor of human behavior?"

 

The answer is: their environment. People behave differently on the subway, classroom, office, or frat party. As social creatures, people will adapt in their situations. However, there is a ton of variability. There are thousands of books about human behavior and personality development.

 

In an environment with hierarchy and different power dynamics, you have to expect that people will put on false fronts. When I entered the work place in my early 20s, I got "in trouble" most about things I said, rather than the work I did. People rise to the top by minimizing their weaknesses and trumpeting their strengths. I'm not saying everybody at the top is bad, but they have pressure to be authoritative. Yet, they are human and have failings. In my 20 years in the working world, I have learned to be diplomatic and discreet. Maybe I'm a wimp, but sometimes you need to pick your battles. And a functioning team is more important than whose right and who gets the credit.

 

In the interpersonal realm among equals, we are freer to be ourselves and practice how we present ourselves. Sometimes we get criticism or quizzical looks and we have to decide whether to shape our behavior. Or we want something (like friendship, sex or money) and we shape our behavior to get what we want. Emotional stability and maturity is under the surface of our behavior and it can upend our lives, if we have deep insecurities or distortions about our value to someone else. Emotional maturity is often faked, but it can't be faked for long. People must learn, change, and grow, but like you said, it can take decades.

 

You have chosen the path of compassion and thinking the best in people. I have chosen that same path and it has benefited me. I was emotionally stunted and immature and my social world served as models of good living. I try to choose people who have integrity and inner honesty. They may be socially awkward, but I'd rather learn from a kind person than a person who fakes kindness.

 

It's important to maintain boundaries because ultimately maturity is developed from within. I used to attach myself to good people to suck them dry and validate myself. It wasn't until I developed a strong sense of self that I became an actualized person.

 

I am soooo grateful that you posted this reflection of humanity. It helps me to think about these things and question how I use false fronts to not do the real work of growth and change.

[Xefyr]

Very deep question, but definitely something people should think about and question more often. After all, as Socrates said, "the unobserved life is not worth living"

 

From childhood, people learn by watching and emulating others for various social cues as to how one should act in society. Social norms and the 'proper' ways to act in society are observed and then embodied by the observer as a way to reinforce it as being correct in their minds, whether or not they truly understand the meaning behind these behaviors. This direct, non-introspective learning process tends to lead people to the formation of 'social masks' in our everyday needs to blend in with society or the expected social norms, even if it denies our own individuality by doing so. And some people are either ok with that, or have so great a need to feel socially secure that they force themselves to be ok with it. It may seem a sad or feeble mental strategy, but it's difficult to truly judge because it may be an evolutionary advantage in that it increases integration within society, which could keep them alive longer.

 

Another factor is that some people just don't think that much about themselves at anything above a superficial level. In your question, you mention that you "try and understand people to their core"--which lets me know you must be quite an introspective person yourself to simply care enough to look into others at such depth. Unfortunately, many people do not do this, or don't even think to. One huge reason that comes to mind is that people whose actions contradict either their morals or their sense-of-self have no reason to look upon themselves introspectively, because it would bring this paradox to light and force them to deal with it, an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. As emotional beings, people simply tend to take the easy way out--as shown through many's preference to use avoidance tactics rather than initiating change.

 

The questions you ask are actually pretty complex, and if it wasn't your last year of college, I'd recommend you take a few sociology and psychology courses to clarify. Particularly relevant is the Soc course "Society and the Individual" which highlights the interplay between the two and makes for fascinating learning material. Other along the same lines would include Intro to Psych, Cognitive Psych, and related gender-construction sociology courses that would highlight the difference in many of these themes between men and women.

 

Stay idealistic and look for the good in people if you can, it's more useful than the alternatives. But do try to look for patterns in the personalities of the overly-superficial people and keep in mind that that's how they are. It's difficult not to judge, but at least you can use that information to decide who you want close to you in your life, and who you want to keep at arm's length.

[thatone]

Well, to start off with, I wanted to gain some insight through some of the perceptive people in this community who probably have developed a sense of emotional maturity with their stable personality. Any insight is appreciated.

 

Out of curiosity, I just wanted to ask if anyone else ever gets this feeling that individuals feign who they really are? I'm focusing on observing people in real life, not the internet where ego and personalities are just irrelevant to me (purely because of the massive disconnection that arises when interacting through an impersonal network). I bring this up because I feel that I have a tendency to try and understand people to their core, and when they dissemble or reveal their true face (to a point that is not at all congruent with their initial appearance), it sickens me. Perhaps its an overly-idealistic notion to assume people possess their positive aspects as part of their default nature, but I at least try to see the great side of an individual. And it just pains me when they were dissembling or attempting to gain initial favorable recognition. And I feel this goes for people in romantic relationships, initial encounters, the starts of friendships, etc. ( Its definitely alot more disappointing in long term relationships :/ )

 

All in all, I feel this stems off of a number of critical points that need to be emphasized. People often go through phases, one individual pointed out to me. Emotional development and personality stability often go hand in hand and might take decades to develop, varying from person to person. And it is understandable that some people put up defenses to protect themselves, or act with an alternate identity to seem more amiable (given the environment), but there seems to be a common behavioral pattern of not showing who you truly are. I can't attest to this, as it is not my default nature. But is it perhaps the relative agegroup? I admit, I am 19, last year in college, and its all too common to see superficiality in almost all social settings. Perhaps it changes? Is there a settling point or specific timing where people engage with others based on default natures that developed through the years of their life? Or is just plain difficult to find honest people nowadays?

 

Any insight would be great. This is purely out of curiosity and I'd love to learn more. Thank you for reading.

 

it does change, depending on the person. a lot has to do with your upbringing, from my experience.

 

people who come from broken homes, divorces, abusive parents, etc learn at an early age not to trust. trust will only get you burned. and as a result when they grow up and go out on their own they don't trust anyone outside of their family either. only after they're set in their careers and interests and such as an adult does the light bulb go off that they're missing out on something by refusing to trust anyone else.

 

that was me through my early 20s. took me until my late 20s to figure it out, and let go of the past. i guess in a way i could say i still haven't completely let go of those tendencies, it's just easier now that i'm older to deal with betrayal, because i have more confidence, professional success, etc to fall back on.

 

does it get easier as you get older? sure. once you're out of college you make choices, it's just like leaving high school. people who succeed typically don't associate with people who don't. your friends become your co-workers usually, and they tend to be the ones with the same goals and aspirations as you, after all they wound up in the same place you did.

Edited October 14, 2011 by thatone

[Alexz]

Wow, you have a great deal of insight and emotional maturity at 19!

 

Thank you. I'm not really sure, I just try to understand things a bit more than my limited perception can yield. Heh.

 

 

Putting on a false front as a defense mechanism is highly encouraged in our society. It's not something people make up out of thin air. We are taught by our environment to behave in a certain way. A famous psychologist (can't remember who) posed a simple question, "What is the best predictor of human behavior?"

 

The answer is: their environment. People behave differently on the subway, classroom, office, or frat party. As social creatures, people will adapt in their situations. However, there is a ton of variability. There are thousands of books about human behavior and personality development.

 

You know, this is a really good point. I think its just difficult to try and just map people with a few first/second/third impressions since they tend to vary greatly with regards to their environment. Perhaps what's often best for us is that individual that brings out the best in us for all environments?

 

 

In the interpersonal realm among equals, we are freer to be ourselves and practice how we present ourselves. Sometimes we get criticism or quizzical looks and we have to decide whether to shape our behavior. Or we want something (like friendship, sex or money) and we shape our behavior to get what we want. Emotional stability and maturity is under the surface of our behavior and it can upend our lives, if we have deep insecurities or distortions about our value to someone else. Emotional maturity is often faked, but it can't be faked for long. People must learn, change, and grow, but like you said, it can take decades.

 

This is also brings up a number of things I need to consider. Sometimes a person's past can't be easily forgotten and those memories will embed certain characteristics into that individual that are bound to show up, regardless of any limiting factors. I guess its just a matter of giving people enough time to truly reveal themselves. its just when they prevaricate for so long that it bothers me greatly.

 

You have chosen the path of compassion and thinking the best in people. I have chosen that same path and it has benefited me. I was emotionally stunted and immature and my social world served as models of good living. I try to choose people who have integrity and inner honesty. They may be socially awkward, but I'd rather learn from a kind person than a person who fakes kindness.

 

It's important to maintain boundaries because ultimately maturity is developed from within. I used to attach myself to good people to suck them dry and validate myself. It wasn't until I developed a strong sense of self that I became an actualized person.

 

I am soooo grateful that you posted this reflection of humanity. It helps me to think about these things and question how I use false fronts to not do the real work of growth and change.

 

I guess we're very similar in this way. I think people who mature a bit earlier than others will experience a certain discomfort due to the lag time in development. But the open-minded attitude should be reciprocated by like-minded individuals who lay out their best intent.

 

Thank you for all your great contribution to this thread, Cee.

 

Very deep question, but definitely something people should think about and question more often. After all, as Socrates said, "the unobserved life is not worth living"

 

From childhood, people learn by watching and emulating others for various social cues as to how one should act in society. Social norms and the 'proper' ways to act in society are observed and then embodied by the observer as a way to reinforce it as being correct in their minds, whether or not they truly understand the meaning behind these behaviors. This direct, non-introspective learning process tends to lead people to the formation of 'social masks' in our everyday needs to blend in with society or the expected social norms, even if it denies our own individuality by doing so. And some people are either ok with that, or have so great a need to feel socially secure that they force themselves to be ok with it. It may seem a sad or feeble mental strategy, but it's difficult to truly judge because it may be an evolutionary advantage in that it increases integration within society, which could keep them alive longer.

 

I think this whole "social mask" topic really highlights the convention that I am having trouble with the individuals around me. Perhaps the more introspective individuals will have more trouble than others when trying to interact with a serious nature. :/

 

 

Another factor is that some people just don't think that much about themselves at anything above a superficial level. In your question, you mention that you "try and understand people to their core"--which lets me know you must be quite an introspective person yourself to simply care enough to look into others at such depth. Unfortunately, many people do not do this, or don't even think to. One huge reason that comes to mind is that people whose actions contradict either their morals or their sense-of-self have no reason to look upon themselves introspectively, because it would bring this paradox to light and force them to deal with it, an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. As emotional beings, people simply tend to take the easy way out--as shown through many's preference to use avoidance tactics rather than initiating change.

 

Its really funny, but when I read "contradict either their morals or their sense-of-self", I really cringed. There is nothing worse for me than to contradict my deeply defined principles. I just find avoidance to hurt more in the end than it would be to resolve anything in its initial state. And yes, as a highly intuitive introvert, I am a bit too introspective at times.

 

The questions you ask are actually pretty complex, and if it wasn't your last year of college, I'd recommend you take a few sociology and psychology courses to clarify. Particularly relevant is the Soc course "Society and the Individual" which highlights the interplay between the two and makes for fascinating learning material. Other along the same lines would include Intro to Psych, Cognitive Psych, and related gender-construction sociology courses that would highlight the difference in many of these themes between men and women.

 

Stay idealistic and look for the good in people if you can, it's more useful than the alternatives. But do try to look for patterns in the personalities of the overly-superficial people and keep in mind that that's how they are. It's difficult not to judge, but at least you can use that information to decide who you want close to you in your life, and who you want to keep at arm's length.

 

I am an economics major, and will have some time to take a few liberal arts courses in the spring. Definitely will take anything along the lines of what you've mentioned. Thank you. "themes between men and women. " I am curious if the opinion varies greatly between the two. Maybe all of the aforementioned topics are more of an aspect for an individual's personal growth, rather than gender?

 

Thank you for your suggestion as to how to evaluate whom to be close to. Now, when I think about it, I am deeply appreciative of a person who might have been one of the few individuals to truly care about others. Such a rare trait. I admire her so much.

 

it does change, depending on the person. a lot has to do with your upbringing, from my experience.

 

people who come from broken homes, divorces, abusive parents, etc learn at an early age not to trust. trust will only get you burned. and as a result when they grow up and go out on their own they don't trust anyone outside of their family either. only after they're set in their careers and interests and such as an adult does the light bulb go off that they're missing out on something by refusing to trust anyone else.

 

I think I've taken into consideration alot of these things you've mentioned. In all honesty, the one thing I need to emphasize more is environment. Disregarding what a person's past might have been, there has to be an enormous influence based on where the interaction is occurring. Mixing that in with potential past experiences definitely acquires some inner intuition into an individual.

 

that was me through my early 20s. took me until my late 20s to figure it out, and let go of the past. i guess in a way i could say i still haven't completely let go of those tendencies, it's just easier now that i'm older to deal with betrayal, because i have more confidence, professional success, etc to fall back on.

 

does it get easier as you get older? sure. once you're out of college you make choices, it's just like leaving high school. people who succeed typically don't associate with people who don't. your friends become your co-workers usually, and they tend to be the ones with the same goals and aspirations as you, after all they wound up in the same place you did.

 

I recently dealt with betrayal with what I would assume as emotional maturity. Honestly, I think the more you're hurt, the more you tend to develop a defensive aura, that eventually allows you to identify potentially deleterious people.

 

Interesting. Like-minded individuals with the same priorities attract to one another? I think within my age group, few individuals tend to have their priorities straightened out. I guess those start to develop as individuals lose their source of dependence. Who knows, heh?

 

Thank you for your insight.