Eternal Sunshine Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 in an otherwise great and affectionate relationship? Also, the frequency is not really due to tiredness, kids or any other obstacles. It just seems like there is no desire (from his side) to do it more than that.
Cypress25 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 The question is, can you live with it? Once or twice a week would be fine for some people, while it would be unbearable for others.
Highness Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 The question is, can you live with it? Once or twice a week would be fine for some people, while it would be unbearable for others. Exactly. If your libidos dont match there is not much you can do about it. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker because it wont change.
Nexus One Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 It depends on what that frequency means. Does it mean she's not (that) attracted to me? Does it mean she has low sex drive in general? Does it mean my sexual skills would be lacking in her eyes?
vsmini Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 1-2 time a week would work for me if it worked with my boyfriend. I think we're at 3-4 times a week...we live together and are happy with that arrangement as it stands. Everyone has their own standards and what is normal when it comes to sex in a relationship. For some couples once a week is fine, others panic if they aren't doing it at least 5 times a week. I think most couples that have been together for 20+ years would be thrilled to have sex 1-2 times a week. It's very, very common that the sex goes down after that much time has gone by.
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I mean, it all depends. It's less than I've ever had sex, but I've never been married or with the same person for a decade. I think anyone who counts the relationship by how much sex they log is a little bit. . . odd. The real problem would be if one person wanted/tried to initiate sex and was constantly rebuffed. Do you regularly try to get him going to no avail? That'd bum me out, if it were me. Once and awhile, if a guy is stressed or tired, I get it, but as a regular thing? Really weird. However, I'd also be weirded out by someone who either limited (I only want x amount of sex) or tried to negotiate a certain amount of sex (I want sex x many times a week), no matter what the numbers are. To me, it should be organic and flow from desire, which may not ALWAYS match but should come reasonably close most of the time, especially if we're talking no extenuating circumstances. However, do keep in mind a person could have extenuating circumstances that are internal and not obvious, even to a partner. Depends on how the people communicate, etc. I've never been in a relationship where the sex was a problem. My current relationship is going through what I'd consider a drier spell right now, as we're both stressed out beyond belief and we have fallen asleep quite a few nights lately without sex. That happens, and I'm fine with it. If it were symptomatic of the relationship, I'd want to know why, as Nexus's post addresses. I guess I don't believe anyone's sex drive is really that low without either outside circumstances/stress/something or age (though late 30s/early 40s, which I'm guessing your guy is? for a man is a bit past his sexual peak, he's not that old that I mean HIS age) or issues within the relationship. So, that belief (perhaps a limiting one) would make it hard for me to go that long forever for no reason, I guess. Granted, for couples that have been married awhile, have jobs and kids and stresses and fights, it happens, and I think that's fine. It's the "no reason" thing that I find odd.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Do you have a highish libido that requires sex more often in order for you to be satisfied? Or, are you wanting him to want you all the time to validate your feelings of being sexy and desirable? If the former, that could be a problem. If the latter, I suggest that he DOES find you sexy and desirable, but just has a lowish sex drive, which doesn't have anything to do with how hot you are or how much he digs you.
laotzu Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Yes, but if I were really attracted to someone and had the time, I'd want to have sex more often than that.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Yes, but if I were really attracted to someone and had the time, I'd want to have sex more often than that. I feel the same way
Kaplan Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Do you try to start it and get rejected? Or is it just that he doesn't initiate it any more than that? As a man, I can't imagine turning down a woman I'm with when she's in the mood. And just because she started it doesn't mean that I don't want it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Do you try to start it and get rejected? Or is it just that he doesn't initiate it any more than that? As a man, I can't imagine turning down a woman I'm with when she's in the mood. And just because she started it doesn't mean that I don't want it. He rarely outright rejects me (it has happened a couple of times) - I mainly wait for him to initiate it.
Citizen Erased Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 He rarely outright rejects me (it has happened a couple of times) - I mainly wait for him to initiate it. Maybe he doesn't initiate that much cos he's sick of always being the one that does.
betterdeal Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Personally, I can't put a number on it. Some weeks it'd be every opportunity, some none at all. Depends what else is going on in life, the weather, biorhythms and the like. Maybe he's a bit intimidated by your unquenchable thirst for sexual gratification. As a man, I like to feel I have satisfied a woman's sexual needs and then some. Maybe that's a ego trip for me? Who knows. However, when there's no resistance at all, ever, it feels hollow, somewhat pointless and some of the allure has gone. Being a bit less of a lizard about it, one has to ask is this making love or is it just a way to alleviate the inevitable pressure of some deep rooted anxiety? In other words, am I being used as a distraction from whatever problems, fears, self-doubts this woman has? Am I a glorified Rampant Rabbit?
Thieves Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Personally, once-twice a week would be a little iffy to me. It leaves... much to be desired. And it depends on the guy too. So it really depends on you. If you want it more, you should sit him down and bring it up, and see what his opinion is on it. But if he's usually the one initiating, then yes, that could also be part of the problem. It's very good to have a balance.. As a man, I like to feel I have satisfied a woman's sexual needs and then some. Maybe that's a ego trip for me? Who knows. However, when there's no resistance at all, ever, it feels hollow, somewhat pointless and some of the allure has gone. This is a bit strange, I have to admit...
OliveOyl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Twice a week, maybe, if everything else was really good and there was ample physical contact otherwise (cuddling, etc.). Once a week would not be enough. I don't know what my ideal frequency would be... probably 4-5 times/week. (That's just a guess, since right now I only get to see my BF on the weekends, and we make the most time we have together. I really don't know how it would be if we could see each other every day.) In my marriage there was not a lot of sexual chemistry; I think we started out at 1-2 times a week, if I remember correctly. And the trouble is that if you start out with 1-2 times a week... well, it's only going to go down.... so...
Andy_K Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 No, I couldn't do it. Not unless that 'once or twice' a week meant one or two long sessions involving several 'rounds' each.
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Of course I could go with a low amount of sex The reality of life and love is that a relationship is more than sex. each person has their own stress, schedules, body function issues and overall life and sometimes it's hard to feel like sex at the exact same time and schedule. Personally... I feel you are micromanaging this relationship to the point you examine every little detail and think it is bad. You have lived together only weeks and now you don't get enough sex..peoples libidos flow like the tide and isn't always on, sometimes it us just off. Give it some time to shake out some.. Maybe you are just in a dry spell
betterdeal Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 This is a bit strange, I have to admit... How so? I find it very unlikely that two people will want to have sex with each other every time, whoever initiates it. I find that a bit strange.
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 He rarely outright rejects me (it has happened a couple of times) - I mainly wait for him to initiate it. This seems a silly way to go. If you want sex, why not initiate it?
Cee Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) My sex drive is fairly high and I am getting used to initiating sex with my boyfriend. I can't put an exact count, but I initiate maybe 33% of the time. If we skip a day, the next day I must have sex. My initiating skills are not at all suave. Sometime I whine for it. That is not a sexy strategy, but my boyfriend appreciates my effort. And he's pleased that I want him so much. I don't think anybody has to live with anything in the sex department. I think it's best to state your desires up front and negotiate it from there. Edited October 14, 2011 by Cee
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I can sort of understand how she feels. If you're initiating sex and you know your partner wouldn't choose to have sex had you not initiated, you'll feel like the intimacy is kind of forced on their end which is of course a bummer. I think it'd be different if she knew he wanted sex pretty regularly but she did some of the initiating. In that case she wouldn't feel like he was just going along with it to appease her when she initiated. If you know your partner doesn't want sex, I can see not initiating it. If I wanted sex but my BF was feeling sick or whatever, I wouldn't initiate it. However, that's not what she said. She said she mainly waits for him to initiate it. The idea of mainly waiting seems odd to me. Just because he's not initiating does not mean he's against the idea of sex anymore than it means she's against the idea of sex all this time she's not initiating, does it? Are we still hanging on to some antiquated idea that only men can initiate sex? If she were clamoring for it all the time, and he wasn't into it, that'd be unhealthy, sure, but if she almost never initiates (which is what her claim sounds like) and yet claims she wants more sex than he does, that seems odd to me. It seems like a validation thing.
Pierre Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 People that live together or are married have much more sex than those that are single or dating. All surveys regarding sex verify this observation. Incredible high sex drives are a function of very young age and a new relationship. Frequency is variable from month to month and from year to year. Sometimes those that must have sex once a day when young drop down to once a month when they grow older.
xxoo Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Define "sex". Intercourse 1-2x a week would be fine, as long as there is physical connection on the days in between. I could not live with "hands above the blankets", ever. If I get in bed with my partner, I want to touch and be touched.
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) I could've lived like that for a lifetime and do have a pretty brisk libido when in a healthy intimate relationship. Like xxoo, I would define 'sex', relevant to numbers, as being the exclamation point, aka full-on sweaty intercourse, perhaps over a couple of hours. The rest of the time the pot is simmering and the connection is always evident. Interspersed with that would be other 'stuff' like I posted in another thread, that wouldn't involve intercourse. As others have mentioned, it's important that you feel loved and satisfied with the quantity and quality of your lovemaking. Communication about this, outside of the bedroom, is key to both of you feeling this way. Unless you are markedly different in your libido and/or expressions of love sexually, you should be able to find a mutually agreeable midpoint which respects and values both partners. If you're too far apart and little movement appears to be contemplated, that's an incompatibility which may not be resolved. Can you live with that? Unknown. ETA, reading further, communication about initiation 'styles' could be beneficial. Other men may be different but I felt, in my M, if I was the only one initiating and sex only happened when and because I was initiating, that, essentially, my exW was *letting* me have sex with her, not being a mutually loving and affectionate partner. How do you feel when your BF initiates sex with you? Is it a good, healthy feeling of being desired and wanted? Why would you think a man would feel any different if you initiated? This isn't romantic 'pursuit' dating; you're in a mutually loving and committed relationship and share responsibility for that relationship. You both 'initiate' because you *want* to and like pleasing your partner. Edited October 14, 2011 by carhill
Dusk1983 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) in an otherwise great and affectionate relationship? Also, the frequency is not really due to tiredness, kids or any other obstacles. It just seems like there is no desire (from his side) to do it more than that. Women expect men to want sex all of the time, to generate their own horniness, and to be a good seducer, so you're finding it strange that he's not the one jumping all over you at every opportunity. Women - the truth is, YOU need to learn how to seduce your man. He can't always be horny. Often, you have to MAKE him horny. Sadly, this is rare! My current gf is the only sexual partner I've had that has even a CLUE how to get me from tired & stressed to so hot that I'm desperate to be inside her. She's Latin, so it comes naturally. But most women have never needed to learn this stuff! Edited October 14, 2011 by Dusk1983
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