LoveNoob Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I figured it would be a good idea to write down all my experiences and feelings and attempts to recover from my break-up earlier this year. First some details: - I'm a 28 year old strait male - The ex is a 22 year old bisexual female - 3 year old relationship ended early august 2011 - Cause of break-up: GF feels guilty over making me move to her country and specific phobias that delay and hold back our relationship, after seeing me chat with another girl who lived in my country she felt she wasnt special and broke up. - She really wanted to stay friends as it meant a lot to her. The thought of losing me as a friend made her near suicidal at one point. Unknown how strong her wish for this still is. - Post break-up i spent about 2 months actively trying to get her back and about a month LC. - 3 months post break-up she started dating a girl. - 1 or 2 weeks after she started dating this girl she told me about it, this was the 9 october 2011. (last sunday at the time of writing this) - During the talk where she announced she was dating someone, i asked her if she still loved me and she confirmed this and that she still had romantic/sexual interest in me. - I told her that i couldnt be friends with her now that she's dating someone else, especially if she says things like not remembering if she and her new GF may or may not have had a threesome with a random guy when they were extremely drunk a few days ago. Granted she was "possibly"drunk again when she told me this info and was too dumb to realise what it would feel to me. - At the end of the conversation i told her i hope she will want to try again with me some day but that if she goes down this path she'll lose me completely. - Yes i still want her back, but going NC and trying to tell myself it isnt going to happen. - NC started 9 october 2011. 9 october 2011 - 14 october 2011 Now then, i went NC from that moment on. I realised i didnt explicitely say she wasnt allowed to contact me, oops, but she does respect my need for distance it seems as she hasnt attempted to contact me since then. Of course this is probably helped by the fact that she's extremely busy with her uni courses and probably also her new girlfriend. And she probably hasnt gotten the chance to miss me yet and feel the effect of losing me not just as a BF but also as a friend. In hindsight, which is always 20/20, i should have gone NC far sooner than when she started dating another. I'm having a tough time this week, actually it's been worse than the week following the break-up. I find myself wondering if i am special and if she misses me or will miss me. At first it looked as though maybe this girl she's dating is a fling and not a long term option for her, but appearantly she's a very nice sweet girl like my ex-GF herself so it might work out between them. Though my ex-GF can be a handful and this new GF of hers she described as "doesnt take crap from anyone", so i see some possibly problems there for them. Today thoughts of maybe being friends with her surfaced, though i know that the coming months that will be impossible, especially if she slips and say something like "owh, got to go now, my GF is waiting". I've been there, done that, with a previous girl i was in love with. Every day this week i cried atleast once, about 5 minutes or so at a time. Cried more often than i had in 5 years before that, makes me feel weak. But i also know it's because of how strong the feelings still are and how happy and blessed and lucky i felt to have her when i did. Oddly enough, yesterday me and a mutual friend were discussing how she changed a lot. And i actually thought to myself "if i met her for the first time now, would i fall as deeply as i did 3,5 years ago?" answer is: no, she was 18 back then and a really bouncy-happy girl, now she's 22 and more mature but also more serious and less lovely. As for moving on, heh, when i started dating her i thought she was out of my league when it came to her looks, absolutely stunning body and curves, she'd make porn stars jealous with both her looks and "skills". Now i look at myself and realise that the chance of me getting a girl of the same physical caliber is going to be extremely unlikely. My ex-GF thought i was sexy even though i was chubby and hairy and short, she loved it because it felt nicer to cuddle me. Every other girl seems to prefer the stereotype spartan body from the movie 300 though. On the emotional/personality side, i currently find it unlikely that i will find someone as friendly, compassionate and lovely as she was 3 years ago. Typing this i realise i said 3 years ago, not 3 months ago. It's kinda hard to tell, it seems that when she interacts with "new people" she still has a lot of loveliness remaining as everyone in her class and circle of friends seem to adore her. But me and a mutual friend of ours agree she has changed her attitude and seems to be less interested in talking to either of us the past year if it wasnt a subject she liked and kinda fickle with her attention giving. She can be extremely jealous though, and me and our friend noticed that if our friend, who is bad at talking to women and spent loads of attention on my ex-GF the past 2 years, starts talking to other women my ex-GF would feel passed up. We thought it would be quite possible that my ex-GF would be very jealous and miss me loads if i were to become friends with her but spend time with other girls. I'm also very sure that if i had started dating another girl before she started dating another, she would be in the same heartbroken state as i have been in the past week. Though since she broke up with me to "let me go" and be with someone that she feels isnt "holding me back" it's perhaps more likely she will just say "see, told you you could easily replace me and be with someone better", but on the inside she'd likely be hurt and jealous because out of the 30+ people she dated regularly, she loved me the most and our relationship lasted 3 years insted of the 9 months of her 2nd longest one, and i think that would make me special to her even now. Owh, yesterday the NC almost got broken, she was online talking to our mutual friend and he checked if she was drunk when she told me about not remembering if she had a threesome last week or not. She appearantly was in an angry mood because people were asking her questions why she broke up with me etc to which she appearantly replied "I told him 500 times already! I'm not going to say it again. It doesnt matter, im dating someone else now". Appearantly she thinks i sent someone to ask her about it, but i never did, i already knew why she broke up. I almost wanted to readd her to MSN to tell her that i didnt send anyone to bother her. But my friend told me she already threatened to block anyone who didnt leave her alone about it so i decided not to. I asked my friends to not poke or prod her for info regarding me unless i ask them to, which ill likely not do anyway. I also asked them to atleast keep me informed if she asks about me or says something about me. Because i'm kinda curious if she is angry at me for how much i tried to hold on to her after the break-up, or if she will miss me and wants me as a (boy)friend, or if she simply doesnt care about me anymore dispite her confession last week that she still loved me and was sexually/romantically interested in me. The break-up was kinda messy because of all the guilt and bad feelings and heavy emotions. I personally would be very happy if she and i could have atleast a very tiny chat to clear the air, promise to remember each other fondly, and understand she currently cannot be my GF and i currently cannot be her friend, and that we do hate each other for those facts. I think she will likely not (yet) want to talk with me in this fashion though, knowing her she might even resent me for not being able to be the friend she wanted me to be, she sadly can be difficult like that. Perhaps in time when i'm more stable and she has had a chance to miss me we can have such a talk, though being in regular contact with her would be bad for me if i havent found a way to properly get over her and find someone else to put my feelings and interests into.
Author LoveNoob Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 Thanks for the replies, time for an update. Maybe the last one for the immediate future. 14 october - 16 october NC was broken by me yesterday, but for a proper reason i think. The past few times we talked, things were kinda messy with her being drunk, or grumpy, or me being sad and missing her. I felt i didnt end the communication the way i wanted it and felt good about. So i had a 20 minute 'upbeat' online talk with her to clear the air, thank each other for a wonderful 3 years, i wished her happiness, and agreed not to let the messy break-up taint our memory of our relationship, which she said was most definately a positive lasting memory in her mind. It was a friendly enough talk and i ended it with saying she might approach me in the future if she wants to talk about our situation. She seemed a little bit "sulky" when i ended the conversation but i felt good about it. I think it was a far better way to get closure for me than a drunken talk and leave a positive last memory of myself in her. Also, during the talk she explained she heard about my concern about her behaviour and she said that this was "normal behaviour" for her back before she dated me and was serial dating people, clubbing/drinking 3-4 times a week and more promicious. And that the only reason why she developed interests in videogaming, movies and TV series, and reduced clubbing to twice a month, was because she wouldnt be able to date me properly otherwise because of the distance meant half the stuff we did were online things and i wasnt the clubbing type. (Interestingly she did not seem to get into videogaming just because of me, but get pretty fanatic and VERY good at it, and genuinely enjoy it and prefer to game rather than club. Our mutual friend who saw her as his best female friend was really sad when she said she no longer has any reasons to be online often anymore now that she stopped videogaming. I feel sorry for the guy, she told him months ago nothing would change in the time they would spend together and do together so he kinda feels kinda abandoned as he thought he was a special friend and enjoyed having a female gaming buddy which helped him with his anxiety. B'aaaawh ) So i told her she's probably happier now than she was during when we dated because she can club more often, but she said she isnt happier. I also told her i hope she doesnt end up serial dating again, and she shared that hope but that if she ended up doing that "so be it, the wheel of life keeps spinning..". That last philisophical addition was odd and something i only heard her say if she was depressed and sad but resigned to it. I asked our mutual friend not to talk about her or what she might say about me unless it's a positive thing that could make me feel good about myself. (IE: her missing me or wishing i was still her friend, etc) The change she'll ever approach me is probably very low, but this proper closure will probably shave some weeks/months off my healing process and be proud of myself that i walked away with the power to decide what to do if she ever wants to get back into my life, and that i ended our relationship/friendship like a gentleman, not a simpering boy or childish jerk. And that i think will make me feel more confident in a relationship with someone new. Someone who hopefully will communicatie her issues to me and wants them resolved, rather than hide from them.
geegirl Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 - I told her that i couldnt be friends with her now that she's dating someone else, especially if she says things like not remembering if she and her new GF may or may not have had a threesome with a random guy when they were extremely drunk a few days ago. Granted she was "possibly"drunk again when she told me this info and was too dumb to realise what it would feel to me. How do you find stability and security in this kind of behavior? What is appealing to even want to be in an R with someone like that? There's nothing healthy and secure with someone who is clearly self-destructive and doesn't know the meaning of trust and loyalty. Didn't have to read the rest. I hope you let her go and realize that even if you can't find someone to peak your interest, it would be more healthy for you to be on your own rather than this.
Author LoveNoob Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) How do you find stability and security in this kind of behavior? What is appealing to even want to be in an R with someone like that? There's nothing healthy and secure with someone who is clearly self-destructive and doesn't know the meaning of trust and loyalty. Didn't have to read the rest. I hope you let her go and realize that even if you can't find someone to peak your interest, it would be more healthy for you to be on your own rather than this. True, i did not see this behaviour coming and was shocked and hurt by it. The past days i stabalised and regained my sense a little more and realise that while during our relationship she was stable and loyal, once she ended that relationship because she didnt feel good enough, she swung right back into her loose lifestyle. And according to her brother she's "fine" and there is nothing to worry about, it's 'normal'....i swear england is in deep doo doo if this is normal behaviour for english girls in their teens and early twenties. The fact that our relationship started out online and i didnt meet too many people from "before me", because of the distance, made me not realise how she used to be until we had the "how many did you have before me" talk earlier this year, about 2,5 year into the relationship. I knew she had gotten around a bit but i was suprised by the sheer amount she had before me but thought she had changed and didnt let it affect how i saw how she was now. It didnt matter to me, it was the past and i loved her, hell she DID change...but appearantly it was only because she felt she had found "the one", but then felt i deserved better than her... owh the irony. Edited October 16, 2011 by LoveNoob
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