do people sometimes try to recreate or mock old relationships?

[rainshowers11]

I know this might sound like a strange question, but do people sometimes try to mock former relationships after a really bad breakup or try to recreate them?

 

I'm writing about my brother. He was cheated on throughout his former relationship for 5 years. This was his first real relationship. When he found out he went through an awful time and was diagnosed with depression. He would drink and was angry at everyone. My family tried to get him help, but it didn't work since he wasn't interested in being helped. Right away he would get into one relationship after the other and always find some reason to dump the girl. Most of these girls were really sweet, but he was always saying, nothing lasts forever and he would get out of them right away. This went on for two years and he would also stay in touch with his ex's family and I know he used to spy on her and her new relationship and I know he still does and he still keeps in touch with the girls parents.

 

Here's the thing after a bout of really bad drinking and strings of girls - He met a girl online 4 months ago and after 2 months they decided to move in together. He still talks about how nothing lasts forever and he talks terribly about relationships, even though they're together. He also seems to be mocking his former life with his ex. He takes pictures with this girl at the same places where he went with the ex and writes comments almost mocking his last relationship, I know this since I knew the two of them and certain things they would both say. He takes this girl to dive bars and brags about it. I don't want to be mean, but this new girl was a stripper and she is really much trashier than his last girlfriend. Totally opposite of the ex who was really classy looking - sweet and innocent and a hard worker with a great career and you would never know that she was a cheat. This new girl is unemployed and brags about it, a real slacker, she poses in pictures in lingerie with him. I sometimes wonder if he's trying to act out his former relationship with his ex with this new girl since she's so different from the ex.

 

I know this sounds really strange and I sound nosey, but I'm really worried about him. He makes comments about wishing the world would end so he can die--this just doesn't sound like a man in love and I feel bad for this girl if he is just using her. He also still drinks a lot. They almost always are at a bar or are drinking when I see them.

 

He's my brother but I think he needs serious help and I just wonder could a breakup change a person this much. He wasn't a big drinker when with his ex. He used to be the most romantic person I ever knew. He treated his ex like royalty and now he's become so different, almost like he laughs at the idea of love, but he tells all of us he's in love. Some of the pictures he takes with this girl and posts on his Facebook are like poses he took with the ex, but he makes these odd mocking type faces. He's 25 and recently went back to college. The week he met this new girl he was still lamenting how 5 years of his life was a lie, and then he met this girl online - he met his ex online as well.

 

I'm just curious if there's anyone out there who might have changed this much after a breakup. I barely recognize him anymore.

[thatone]

read what you posted. your description of the ex contradicts itself. classy, sweet, innocent, and oh by the way she cheated on him multiple times over 5 years. that's the bottom line, she's just as much a whore as the one he has now. it doesn't matter how well she dresses when she isn't cheating on him, she still cheated on him.

 

can you blame him for who he wound up with? he didn't change, he learned.

[wilsonx]

You are going to have to give him time and space on this and support him. He's hurting, he will come out of it. It may take him a year or two but when you come out of a relationship with someone as toxic as a continuously cheating ex, it hurts a lot. Especially as a good guy.

 

I havent jumped into another relationship but I will tell you, I wanted to so bad just to ease the pain I was going through. I did go on a bender though but have come down off that. Just give him time and let him do his own thing. He will come out of it. My friends and I call it "sewing your wild oats" and thats what hes doing

[Sugarkane]

I can see why your brother did this it's like what's the point in doing the right thing, when you get completely screwed over? And they seem to get away with it.

[norajane]

Your brother didn't just go through a break-up. The woman he was in love with and trusted for 5 years...his entire adult life, and his only serious relationship...betrayed him. That betrayal is what has devastated him and destroyed his peace of mind.

 

He's acting out. With the short relationships, and with this girl. He's still suffering from the betrayal, the death of all his romantic hopes and dreams, and the death of his faith in love. Betrayal is truly devastating to people, even two years afterwards. Especially since it went on throughout his entire relationship with her.

 

You need to be very worried about his mental health since he says stuff like this:

 

He makes comments about wishing the world would end so he can die

 

You said he was diagnosed with depression. Is he still seeing a therapist? He should be if he isn't.

 

Is he on meds? On meds and drinking alcohol all the time? That's bad, so if that's what he's doing, you and your family need to step in.

 

If he's not on meds, he might need something. But he has to stop drinking all the time.

[ludovico]

Your brother didn't just go through a break-up. The woman he was in love with and trusted for 5 years...his entire adult life, and his only serious relationship...betrayed him. That betrayal is what has devastated him and destroyed his peace of mind.

^^ this... its been almost 2 years for me and although I'm better than I was when it happened, I'm still not in a place where things make sense...

[betterdeal]

Aw, that's such a sad story. I feel sorry for you, him, her. He does sound like he's trapped in the past and going through the motions, trying to relive his last relationship. I've done that before.

 

I don't know if this is the case with your brother, but I was looking to find what I had done wrong, what I could change to change the course of history. It turned out, I needed boundaries, surgery and to know how to assert myself.

 

I went from being an open, emotionally expressive sort of guy to a closed, depressed, cynical drunk, like your brother. Then I met a girl who was as messed up as me (sufficiently so that we both accepted each other's flaws) and we relived our past relationships with each other (like your brother).

 

It ended messily, but the upside was discovering the things that I was looking for. To look at this situation positively, maybe it's what your brother (and this girl) needs at this time. An in-between relationship. He certainly will feel better if he stops self-medicating with alcohol and, I think, once he's been through the motions and realises it's not the relationship (or indeed the girl) but his way of dealing with the world that matters, he can move on.

 

I wish you well.

[Sugarkane]

I totally get the whole acting out thing, after being betrayed. I'm glad you posted this.

[melenkurion]

The short answer is "yes they do".

 

I unconsciously engineered a situation with two of my friends after my horrible mess of a breakup that mirrored my previous relationship. I talked it over with my counsellor, and she said it was pretty likely I was re-enacting my old relationship, trying to get a better outcome for myself. It's supposedly pretty common, especially in victims of trauma. Discovering your whole life was a lie for five years, effectively your brother's entire adult life. That's traumatic.