Linda9999 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Do you think that, if your spouse cheated in the past, you will ever KNOW that they're not doing it again? As in, not have ANY doubts whatsoever, ever, at all? Or do you think we are destined to wonder every once in a while forever? As time passes I have fewer and fewer doubts. Weeks will go by where I don't even consider that he may be cheating - I am past it. but every once in a while I start to doubt myself. Usually when something I read reminds me of the fact that I had NO clue what he was up to before I found out. There were NO signs. Zero, zip, nada. This is not something that nags at me constantly - it isn't a 'gut' feeling. It's kinda like PMS - it rears it's ugly head every so often, then just goes away with a good nights sleep. I just wish it would go away once and for all and never bug me again!
mzdolphin Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Well it's been three years since I told exMM's wife that he was lying about his marital status and cheating. They are still married, so I assume he convinced her he made a mistake and wanted to work things out. As time goes by, she is probably feeling less doubtful. But he returned to pursuing me within weeks of her finding out. Within a year we had been intimate again. It wasn't until I broke things off that the affair ended. And even so, he continued to call and email, expressing his love for me. As recently as this summer he was trying to make arrangements to see me. I refused and went no contact. Blocked his email, but he managed to text. Still maintaining NC on my end. Trust your gut. If you feel like you're going crazy, you're not. Your heart is just fighting off what the head already knows. 1
MissBee Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I always consider the idea of broken trust being akin to a broken vase that even if glued together, it is never like how it was before and there is always some sign that it was previously broken. I've never forgiven a cheater and moved forward so I cannot speak to that, but I have tried to forgive and get past other indiscretions that betrayed trust and I couldn't. That experience makes me feel like while I can forgive someone, trust doesn't become automatic and sometimes it is just not possible to get back to a place of 100% comfort...and for me, that's when I leave it alone as the time it takes me to try to glue back that vase, cut my hands and in the end it still looks broken, I'd rather believe it served it's time and now maybe I need to get something new. I do think it is possible though to have a closer relationship or be more aware of yourself and the true reality of your relationship and be more in tune and have a stronger relationship where you don't think about that again....but for many people I imagine they still do worry about it every now and again.
SidLyon Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Do you think that, if your spouse cheated in the past, you will ever KNOW that they're not doing it again? As in, not have ANY doubts whatsoever, ever, at all? Or do you think we are destined to wonder every once in a while forever? ... In answer to this I think it's fair to say I will never know that he's not doing it again, just like I didn't know before that he was. However I am already at the stage where I have no doubts whatsoever that he's not cheating. Unlike before I am more vigilant now to signs that he might be, because I now know that I don't and never did know. The way I look at it "knowing" is fact whereas doubts are a matter of trust/belief. The above does sound convoluted so I hope I've been understood.
mzdolphin Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 In answer to this I think it's fair to say I will never know that he's not doing it again, just like I didn't know before that he was. However I am already at the stage where I have no doubts whatsoever that he's not cheating. Unlike before I am more vigilant now to signs that he might be, because I now know that I don't and never did know. The way I look at it "knowing" is fact whereas doubts are a matter of trust/belief. The above does sound convoluted so I hope I've been understood. I understand this. After my ex husband cheated, I developed a certain level of trust I was comfortable with as we tried to rebuild our marriage through counseling. But when I discovered him cheating again (about five years after the first time) that was it for me. Didn't even want him to touch me.
aloneinnyc Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I have the same question. I am trying to decide if I could ever take my husband back after he cheated (D-day was 4 months ago), and I think I would never feel safe again with him because this one came completely out of nowhere. (Ours is one of those cases where he cheated when things were good with our marriage; the issues are within him and I didn't detect anything different about him.) I don't want to spend the rest of my life on high alert, and my fear is that's how it will be. Honestly, it'll probably be like that with any man I meet from now on, but it seems like it has to feel worse when you know your husband can stray even when things are good. I think I'll grow especially worried as I get older and less attractive. If he cheat now, when I'm in good shape, what's he going to do in 10 years? In 20? Sorry to be so gloomy, but I just think that nagging feeling would never fully disappear. They knew they had your trust before and it wasn't enough for them to say no. Why should the future be any different?
SidLyon Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I understand this. After my ex husband cheated, I developed a certain level of trust I was comfortable with as we tried to rebuild our marriage through counseling. But when I discovered him cheating again (about five years after the first time) that was it for me. Didn't even want him to touch me. The thoughts of another round of infidelity worry me. I wonder would he conduct another A in the same way as before . There were few signs that I could pick up on, as it was mainly a lunchtime A. Can I ask did your H go even more underground after the first d-day? How did you find out and how long did it take you?
FirstNobleTruth Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Before my H's A, I was quite sure he would never cheat on me. Now I'm not. But I do trust him not to. Why? Because I have decided to trust him. And I decided to trust him again because of the way he has conducted himself since then, and the way he has treated me since then. A million different actions, which put together are reason enough for me to decide to trust him again. I know now there is no way to be absolutely sure that it will never happen again. But I don't need perfect foresight to make the decision to trust. What I do need, and what I have now, is trust in MYSELF. If it happens again, I know it won't kill me. I know I'll take care of myself and my children in a healthy, mature way. I'll be fine on my own. I'll be happy again. Lord knows I don't want to go through it again, and as of now I don't think I'll have to. But I trust myself to handle it if it does, so I feel safe trusting him, even if I don't know for sure what the future will bring. For me, trust (like happiness) comes from within.
FirstNobleTruth Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 AloneinNYC, I'm sorry for your pain. It's early days yet, and I think things will become more clear for you in time. I hope they do. As for worrying about the risk increasing as you age, please try to be very kind to yourself about this. You said your H's affair was about issues within himself, not problems in the M. That is a very candid and perceptive comment. Notice that it also means it wasn't about YOU, nor how young and lovely you are. It also means that if he can face his issues and do the work needed to grow and change, then you may find reason to trust him, the new him, in the future. Take your time. I wish you well.
FirstNobleTruth Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Linda9999, I keep forgetting to mention that I LOVE your image of recurring feelings as a kind of PMS! So funny and so true! And it suggests some very helpful ways of dealing with these unwelcome "visitors". (a long walk, a long nap, a good cry, chocolate ice cream . . . ). Thank you for that!
DNU1 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Here's the thing...after first affairs (1995-6), we did counseling, worked through it, gradually built trust, she gave me the "never do that to you again..." Then in 2008 found out about OM#3...couldn't believe it...confronted her...tried to work things out. Five months later discovered OM#4 = DONE! I knew I could never trust her again. Sure, I could have demanded job change, life changes, complete transparency, etc., blah, blah. It was over. Great pain, great sorrow, sadness for our family breaking up...but now, almost three years later, I've met a wonderful woman who treats me well, loves my DDs (and I her DS's), and we are doing great! Ask yourself this question -- do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what your significant other is doing? Wondering if there is another person in their life. Not this prairie dog.
2long Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I agree with those who say that the trust has changed in2 some other kind. Most of us who've been betrayed were devastated because our trust in our spouse was blind. I never will blindly trust anyone again, and that's a good thing. As for not seeing an affair coming? I didn't - because of the blind trust thing. But I think I would now. Of course, trusting involves not just trusting my W, it involves trusting my own instincts and hunches. I pay attention 2 signs I used 2 ignore. Thankfully, the sings that something residual is still "wrong" are few and far between, and don't involve an OM. And since I can see them, I can do something about them (and I do, 2 the best of my ability and my responsibility). I stay "on my guard" but I'm not paranoid. ...and I do what I can when I can 2 help us both grow. -ol' 2long
aloneinnyc Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 AloneinNYC, I'm sorry for your pain. It's early days yet, and I think things will become more clear for you in time. I hope they do. As for worrying about the risk increasing as you age, please try to be very kind to yourself about this. You said your H's affair was about issues within himself, not problems in the M. That is a very candid and perceptive comment. Notice that it also means it wasn't about YOU, nor how young and lovely you are. It also means that if he can face his issues and do the work needed to grow and change, then you may find reason to trust him, the new him, in the future. Take your time. I wish you well. Thanks! I really appreciate the kind thoughts. Of course it took me almost this entire four months to realize it wasn't about me our M, but about my H. (At first, he started to say that he wasn't my focus after we had our 5 years ago, but he backed off on that later because he realized I wasn't doing anything different from any other mom. We had a date night once a week, etc.) I do wonder how you can tell if someone has changed. I wonder what that even means -- what would he have to do going forward for me to trust. The problem is this was also an office affair with just a couple makeout sessions during the day, so it was so hard to catch. (I had a dream then found a note he wrote to himself, but otherwise, I would have never known.) All the transparency in the world wouldn't have outed that kind of A.
Space Ritual Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Do you think that, if your spouse cheated in the past, you will ever KNOW that they're not doing it again? As in, not have ANY doubts whatsoever, ever, at all? Only if they are dead..... even at that point I could'nt be certain my ex was not blowing Hitler and Stalin in the coatroom in Hell.....
Author Linda9999 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Thank you for the very insightful replies. It makes perfect sense to me that it's a different kind of trust/knowing. Just like it's a different marriage.
aloneinnyc Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Only if they are dead..... even at that point I could'nt be certain my ex was not blowing Hitler and Stalin in the coatroom in Hell..... Thanks for the laugh!
FryFish Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I always consider the idea of broken trust being akin to a broken vase that even if glued together, it is never like how it was before and there is always some sign that it was previously broken. I've never forgiven a cheater and moved forward so I cannot speak to that, but I have tried to forgive and get past other indiscretions that betrayed trust and I couldn't. That experience makes me feel like while I can forgive someone, trust doesn't become automatic and sometimes it is just not possible to get back to a place of 100% comfort...and for me, that's when I leave it alone as the time it takes me to try to glue back that vase, cut my hands and in the end it still looks broken, I'd rather believe it served it's time and now maybe I need to get something new. I do think it is possible though to have a closer relationship or be more aware of yourself and the true reality of your relationship and be more in tune and have a stronger relationship where you don't think about that again....but for many people I imagine they still do worry about it every now and again. Thats the thing though, if the vase is trust then it cant be glued back together, it takes both partners holding the broken pieces together for the rest of their lives... There will never be a time when the vase wont break again if both people arent there actively holding their pieces up to their partners pieces... and if the trust is completely shatter even that cant be done.
beenburned Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I think anyone that has been touched by infidelity will always think about it now and then. As the years pass by, the trust is slowly built back up if the WS has changed. The marriage is usually stronger than before due to all the hard work and communication between the spouses. If it isn't better, or the WS is still unremorseful and not doing the work on themselves to be a better person, then I say divorce them. Life is too short to be miserable.
Steadfast Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I always consider the idea of broken trust being akin to a broken vase that even if glued together, it is never like how it was before and there is always some sign that it was previously broken I did this once...literally. I pieced together a porcelain vase with gorilla glue, then knocked it off the same counter onto the same spot on the floor. But this time, it didn't break; the glue had made it stronger. It's the same with marriage. What doesn't kill it makes it stronger. The key is the people involved. If both want it right, it'll be right. It can't work any other way. If one or the other is unwilling to do the work it will never heal. I'd tell him. Tell him exactly what you wrote here. If I were him, I'd be ready for that and respond accordingly. If he really loves you, he'll listen.
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