Mann Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I am a 37-year old man, married to a 35-year old woman. Iwas brought up by very strict parents. She had several boyfriends while in theUniversity. I had only one or 2 girlfriends throughout my University days. Bothof us have a doctoral degree. We are extremely busy at work. We own a factory,and we also work for the government, in the same institution. I had a one-nightstand a few days after our wedding with an old admirer when I met heraccidentally while in another town. I had never slept with her before now.While my wife was studying for her PhD, she was in another town, and I had anaffair. A one-night stand as well. I was too afraid to tell her. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]When she returned, I got a transfer to another town. I gotinvolved in multiple short-term affairs. Honestly, I don’t even remember thenames of those girls. I have to think very hard before I can even know thenumber of girls involved in all. I think that I had a problem. How else would Iexplain having to have sex with a girl I barely knew, and not bothering to seeher or know her after that? This happened more than once. But I used a condomeach time.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]One day, my wife joined me. The family was finally togetherafter about 6 years of marriage. She got a job in the same town where I nowlived, and we became so close. She was so full of praises for me it made mefeel guilty. So I prayed about it, and felt even more guilty. I had no choicebut to confess to her, on my knees. She also told me she got emotionallyinvolved with one of her seniors while studying for her doctorate away fromhome. She went to his house once, and they ended up in a deep kiss. But no sex.Despite her own confession, she wanted to pack out, but she did not eventually.I kept pleading, but her tears would never dry. Eventually, she told my closestbrother and mentor, who also sponsored my education. They spoke late into thenight when we met him on vacation. The next morning, he didn’t tell me she hadspoken to him. I was just wondering where she was the previous night when shetold me what happened. I was sad that she had to, even after begging her.Later, she said she shouldn’t have done that. We went on fine. But while livingtogether, I had a tendency to go out each time we had a bitter disagreement.She never quite bothered where I was going to, or even asked where I was comingfrom. This made me wonder if she was encouraging me to have affairs. One day, Iencountered a lawyer whose father was my client. Eventually, he died of cancer.I was very supportive of her throughout her bereavement, and even arranged theburial with her. I began to trust her based on my level of care for her. But sheended up defrauding my wife and I. I discovered that a deal she had handledwent bad only after I had slept with her a couple of times.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My wife believed that I was too close to this lady, and thatif I never had an affair with her, I wouldn’t have been so beclouded in myjudgment. She kept accusing me. Thematter was eventually charged to court. But we have not yet recovered ourmoney. At a time, my wife started putting so much pressure on me in connectionwith this lady. I finally agreed that I had slept with her. I was really sorry.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]One year later, I found myself so loving and caring for mywife. This must have made her feel guilty. She said she would tell me somethinglater that day. She did. She told me she had an affair with a factory driver 2years earlier. She sounded as if she was in love with the driver. It wasn’tjust that she slept with him, the way I would sound if making a confession. Shesaid she had “an affair”.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The pain of the matter is that it was me who employed thisdriver when I realized she needed help. He stayed in his own house. He wasbrought to me by his mentor, who asked for my help in finding him a job becausehe was jobless for a while. He was taking my wife in the family car each day tothe government office, while she went shopping for food, and on other trips aroundtown, and bringing her back to the factory after work. Between her morning anevening hours, he would bring the car back to the factory, and then pick her inthe evening. I shared a car with my wife then. She would often call me to sendthe driver. Here I was working late hours in the factory, to see that we didnot go under. We borrowed lots of money to start the plant, and I was reallyworried. I was closing 12 midnight to 2am.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I have always cared for my wife. We have 3 kids. We alsohave a couple of grown-up girls who assist at home. She was involved inreligious activities almost thrice each week, and would stay back in town up to8pm or 9pm some nights despite the little children, while I was locked up inthe factory. Poor children.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]What really caused the problem was that she was gaining toomuch weight, and I was concerned. I couldn’t lift her up anymore. Her weighthad nearly doubled since I met her, from 58 to 97kg. I was weighing 75kg, from55kg when she met me. But it was her who suggested I added a little weight. In3 months, I worked so hard to make her happy, and gained 15kg. I was now 70kg.In 8 years of our marriage, I gained only 5kg. She blamed her weight gain on 3pregnancies on 3 years. I understood. But then her appetite is too strong. Sheusually eats something every 2 hours. My worry is that both of her parents diedfrom heart attack. They were both over-weight. Two of her sisters also havebreast cancer. One has died already. All these problems are related to weight. Ireally don’t want her to become ill. Also, I would wish to be able to carry herin my arms. After her confession, I felt so bitter that she would bolt awaywhen I really meant well for her. I went on to see how it feels, how easy it wouldbe, to lose weight. I lost all appetite just at what she did. I decided tofast, and to miss meals. In one month, I lost 7 kg. She lost 7 as well. Butthat was all. She has remained on the same weight for months. And she keepseating. We have set up a gym in our house. But I guess her problem is justappetite for food. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I put so much pressure on her to lose weight that she becameantagonistic. But despite this, she never stopped eating. I was so upset eachtime I found her jumping from one plate of food to another that I became socold towards her. Our sexual life reduced to once or twice in a month. It’s asif we went one full month without sex at a time. She says it was because of my constantcriticism and attitude that she got involved with this other fellow.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]It was depressing to know that it was me that employed thisboy to make life easy for the house. I drove in that car with this man the nextday! She says she would not allow him penetrate. She reserved that one for meonly and she told him so. But then, both of them had orgasm. Did he ejaculateon her? She got herself tested for HIV. It was negative she says.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Second, it was depressing to recall that this guy gotmarried 3 months after this incident, and I gave him a loan for his wedding whichhe never paid back. Later, he was behaving badly and the Office Managerinformed him that I was not happy at his behavior. He screamed: “is it becauseof the loan he gave me? I can always pay it back”. I later wrote off that loan.He left our company 6 months after the incident with my wife.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Third, I recall my wife asking me from time to time, eachtime he took me somewhere, if I gave him his transport fare. One day, I wasvery upset with her about this. I felt that it was my responsibility to takecare of my staff, and she did not have to remind me about what I needed to do.As I look back, I realize these were her own acts of love. Or was it just care?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My wife voluntarily confessed to me. There was no way I wouldhave known that such a thing ever happened if she didn’t tell me. I told her Iwas in no position to judge her since I was no saint either. In fact, I equallyconfessed 2 cases of infidelity to her, the same day. She was so disappointedthat I never changed. These were not necessarily ongoing relationships. I hadalready ended them, and I had evidence to show her for this. For instance, Ihad telephone messages to show where I had warned one of the girls never tocall me again, if she intended to continue work in the factory. Once, she cameto my office at night and wouldn’t go. I had to call my wife in her presencethreatening I would tell my wife before she left. I drew her attention to allthese events, because I actually called her. But sadly, when I got home thatnight, my wife never asked why I had to call to say somebody came to my officeand never wanted to leave. She was a staff as well. I also had evidence that Iposted the second lady away from my section of the factory after the incidentwith her, just to avoid having to see her so frequently or getting involvedwith her again. She was most angry that I slept with one of them thrice. She couldforgive the one-off case with the first girl. Eventually, the 2 girls left the factorythis year. The first girl left on her own. The second girl, whom I had to warnto stop calling me, started moving from one senior staff to another when sherealized I no longer intended to continue in the relationship. I had to ask herto stop work.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]These are rotten stories. I feel so terrible that I could doall this. My wife has been exercising for several years now, but her weight isstill high. Her appetite never changed. I feel that I have already paid theprice for this weight by what she did, and she just has to lose the weight incompensation. This does not seem to work either. We had to see a marriage counselorlast week, in another town.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My problem is this: how come I keep feeling so crushed eachtime I think about my wife inside the family car with this fellow while I wasstill in office, working so hard for the family? We live in the same side of thetown. I have run into him once or twice but never stopped my car. My headalmost blew up. I wished him dead. Yet for my moral believes I could not planto hurt him. I think it was my wife that decided to get involved. He was sojunior he wouldn’t dare lay his hands on her if she did not break the ice. YetI blame him for his insolence. He should have respected me enough to avoid her.I confronted him on phone after my wife later told me that he crossed over toher side of the Land Rover that night, and that he was to blame as well, hisdefense was “She was my boss!” [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Despite the horrible things I have done, I cannot just moveon. I have ended all relationships with the opposite sex even before my wifeconfessed. But I kept telephone contact just in case she decided to move out orI decided I wouldn’t cope. Last month, I deleted all those names from my phone.She deleted hers since then. But I am in no position to know if she has themwritten somewhere.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Why didn’t my wife end the relationship immediately? Why didshe retain him as a staff working with her, and even invited him to our houseafter his wedding, along with his wife for dinner? Why did she call him to takeme on a journey even after he had left our factory, and made him appear like hewas so still nice to me after leaving? Why did she invite him to my children’sroom to repair their piano when it got faulty? Why was it so easy for her to be in thepresence of a man who had seen her body and I wouldn’t know?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The day she told me, I invited him to my office andconfronted him with what my wife told me, in the presence of my wife. He smiledat first, and I felt humiliated. He equally said they never really had sex. Itold him that as far as my wife was concerned, this was sex. He said he wassorry. My wife also said she was sorry in his presence. I told both of themthat I had forgiven them, and that if I had planned to hurt him, it wouldn’t havebeen difficult.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Despite this, I cannot go over it. I find it difficult tofunction for nearly one year since she told me. I feel so stupid. I blame myselffor letting my guards down and trusting her so much in the company of a man. I havenever condescended to sleeping with any girl in my household. He was like ahousehold staff: taking my children to school, driving with both my wife and I almosteveryday. At a time, my wife claimed to be having so much back ache that shewas sharing the front seat with him while I sat in the back. She said the frontseat was more comfortable. She even did MRI. Was it really back pain or was shelooking for opportunity to share a seat with him? When I remember all these, Ifeel crushed all over again.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]When I called him to discuss something the day of theconfrontation, he came with his wife. I asked her to wait in the lobby for himso we could have a private talk. He left in a mood. She got to know about it aswell, and called my wife on phone to scorn and abuse. I really wonder how manypeople have known about this. We have a very large factory.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]What can I do to recover? Worse still, my wife is not asresponsive as she used to be on bed. She hardly gets an orgasm these daysunless I put in so much effort. She does little.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Is our marriage irredeemable? Can we build back trust?Should we just call it quits? Both of us still believe in the relationship. Sheappears to be OK. Once I don’t complain about her eating continuously, we havelittle problem. Any help from you guys?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
Bryanp Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 If the roles had been reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
anne1707 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 If the roles had been reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Hav you missed the bit where he says he has been repeatedly unfaithful from within days of getting married? If this story is true then the marriage is built on lies and both have made mistakes - this is not all on the wife.
silvermercy Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 If this post is for real, I have no other advice as to say "why are you still together"? This situation is way too messed up to be salvaged in my opinion.
sadcalifornian Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 This post left me speechless. Just Wow... In the midst of all these non-stop A-capade, why do you find your W's weight being such an issue. You find her weight gain as something just as unforgivable as her A? You started your first A 3 months into M and have been carrying on multiple As throughout your M. And, now you have a hard time getting over your W's A with the driver? You admit you are a serial cheater, right? You started cheating like 3 months into the marriage? And, you have been having A after A, and you don't even remember the OW's names. And, now you face your W's affair, you have a hard time getting over it? You are kidding me, right? Read your own post and listen to yourself.
Bryanp Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I clearly missed part of the story. I had a real hard time trying to read this.
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