Am I wasting my time?

[binny]

Hi,

 

I've been browsing the forum and I have noticed that quite a few people have met people online and been in relationships with them. My situation is a bit strange I guess.. I met a guy online maybe 3 or so years ago and we have been talking online ever since. We talk almost everyday, with the exception of when I was working abroad because of time differences and me not having regular access to the internet.. but we would email regularly during this time and chat on occassion. We have never spoken over skype or on webcam. We only swapped pictures once, when we first started talking we sent each other a picture. We seem to get on really well and I feel like I can tell him anything, even things I wouldn't tell my real life friends.

 

To cut a long story short.. The other day I asked him whether he thought we would ever meet one day. He replied with "hmm.. I don't know" I didn't know what to reply to this so kept quiet and a while later he messaged me and changed the subject. We don't live anywhere near each other, he lives in the US and I live in the UK so I know meeting would not be easy. One of my friends says that I am wasting my time with him and rejecting guys who might be interested in real life because of him.

 

Am I wasting my time? Should I keep talking hoping that something might happen oneday?

 

Any advise would be much appreciated.

 

edit: I forgot to add.. I'm not entirely sure if we are a couple of not...

[FitChick]

After three years, he is a pen friend. If there were a connection, you'd have met a few months after first contact. I was engaged to a guy in the UK (I'm in the US) after less than a year and we had flown back and forth every six to eight weeks and spoke on the phone daily.

 

He is either married or has a girlfriend, would be my guess.

[erika2610]

After three years, he is a pen friend. If there were a connection, you'd have met a few months after first contact. I was engaged to a guy in the UK (I'm in the US) after less than a year and we had flown back and forth every six to eight weeks and spoke on the phone daily.

 

He is either married or has a girlfriend, would be my guess.

 

Not necessarily. I had been chatting with my now boyfriend on and off for about 5 years before we finally were able to meet.

[blugirl]

Not necessarily. I had been chatting with my now boyfriend on and off for about 5 years before we finally were able to meet.

Exactly, some people simply dont have enough money to fly half the world to each other (like me and my SO) but we're working on it and hoepefully, next year we will finally meet and spend some time together to see if we match irl. Till then, we decided to be exclusive and not date other people, it's been a year already but we're keeping optimistic about things.

[binny]

Thank you for your replies! I wasn't sure if I would get any!

 

FitChick, you could be right.. he may have a girlfriend or be married.. but if this was true, I would have expected him to not talk to me so much. I mean, if I had a boyfriend/husband and he kept sending/receiving messages from a girl (regardless of whether he knew her irl or not) I would be a bit worried.... I have no problem with a boyfriend/husband talking with girls who are friends but not constantly and not with little bits of flirting every now and again.. but who knows, it is a possibility that he is in a relationship! I know when we first started talking, he had a girlfriend, they broke up though shortly after and we've not really spoken about the subject since then.. so he could have got a new girlfriend!

 

Blugirl, I wish you and your SO all the best and I hope you will one day get to meet!

 

I'm not sure about his financial situation - it's none of my business really. But I am a firm believer of "when there is a will - there is a way". I understand that you need money to purchase the plane tickets and what not, but I believe that if two people really want to meet - regardless of their finanical situation, they will save up for however long it takes in order to do so. But that's just me...

[lranago]

I've been dating my man for 7 years now (waiting to finish my masters before moving). He lives in the US (los angeles) and I am currently living in Toronto. If its been 3 years I would give some kind of push for a meet. You need to know if this is going anywhere or not. Buy the damn ticket this winter (300 - 500 bucks) and go to the UK (or vise versa).

 

You owe it to yourself to know one way or the other. I would hate to see you writing on here in 3 more years and be in the same place.

 

Just my .02 .

 

Hope it works out!

[binny]

Thanks Iranago! Deep down I know you are right - the only way to know for sure is to buy a plane ticket and find out! Although if he isn't sure about meeting, I wouldn't want to force him either.. So showing up where he lives might be a bit creepy.. But if he was interested in meeting and if I was to fly out there, I hope I would be right in thinking that he would make the effort to come to whichever city I choose to visit.

 

Good luck with finishing your masters and I hope your move (whenever it may be!) goes well!

[lranago]

Thanks Binny . If you buy a ticket and he cannot get off his butt to come see you, or if he does not want to meet you, I would say he is a friend or nothing. Just move on, don't waste any more of your best years on him! I'm sure there are plenty of local men you can meet. In fact I'm sure there are, you just need to get out there and find them .

[FitChick]

If some of you posted on a celebrity's Facebook page or you got Tweets, would that make him your boyfriend?

 

I wouldn't put my life on hold so long for someone I'd never met, because I want to get married and I'm not getting any younger. If there is no chemistry in person or sexual compatibility, all that time will have been wasted.

 

It's a bit different if you have actually spent time with the person over that length of time.

[binny]

Fitchick, I understand what you are saying, but I don't go around calling him my boyfriend..

 

I guess we just seem compatible online, I know this might not translate into real life.. I guess I find it hard to meet nice guys in real life, and he seems like a nice guy and we seem to have a connection. But again, I don't know whether there would be any chemistry in real life or not..

[FitChick]

I don't know whether there would be any chemistry in real life or not..

 

There is only one way to find out.

[Sake3838]

Dont mean to destroy the mood here, but I just posted something earlier explaining my situation with my long distance special someone

 

and I can tell you right now.. 3 years would be too long.

 

After a week of meeting her and leaving that city. I contemplated flying back just to see her right away.

 

Im meeting her in a month and its only been 2 month we have been in teh same situation as you talking everyday, email. however we have exchanged alot more. so someone who replied you might be right.. he might be in a relationship and is just being very unfair to you..

 

bottom line is.. im a guy.. and this girl im crazy about .. id do anything to see her, and if she asked me that question before we even talked about it "will we see eachother one day"

I would jump at the chance in a heart beat.

 

She Finnish and I live in Canada btw

[Lucky_One]

You mentioned the GF/wife factor. If you are using email as your primary method of communication and then chat occasionally like on Yahoo messenger or something, then yes, it is very easy to maintain an "extra" relationship without your spouse knowing. My H and I both have blackberrys, and we get mail constantly for work or from friends.

 

Is he on FB?

 

I would think that after 3 years, if he was wanting a romantic relationship with you, then he would have mentioned it WAY before now. The anonymity of the internet makes if much easier to share intimate thoughts and to flirt and for you to know for SURE that the two of you like each other in a romantic way. "I am not sure if we are a couple or not?" After 3 years, if you aren't sure of this, then it is sure that you are not.

 

I would take the next conversation to your firm desire to meet him. See how he reacts. Not a general "do you think we ever will meet one day" thing - a genuine "I would like to meet you. Could you rearrange your work schedule so that we could spend some time together if I fly there?"

[binny]

Good luck with your special someone Sake!

 

I also thought that if he liked me he would have jumped at the chance to meet me one day, which is why his reponse kind of threw me a bit and I don't know what to think so ended up posting here. He is quite shy and doesn't seem to think very highly of himself for some unknown reason, so I guess a part of me believes that might be a reason for him hesitating. He is also VERY paranoid about online security, so maybe he's just worried that I might be a complete psycho..

 

Lucky_One, I don't think he has FB, I did mention it once but if I remember correctly he didn't have an account.. I also searched and found nothing.. I'm not a stalker, just curious

 

We don't really email, we only used email when I had really limited internet access and the time difference was completely off, which isn't the case now.. We started off chatting over msn (on computer and using our mobiles on occasion) and now we send messages constantly over skype (we both have it installed on our mobiles and we are always online).. I guess I just think that if he had a girlfriend she would get suspicious that he was always getting and replying to messages on his phone and ask "who is this girl and why does she keep messaging you" or "why are you getting messages in the middle of the night".. His profile on skype shows that he only has 2 contacts on it, one of them which is me..I'm honestly not a stalker even though this post might make me seem a little like one Perhaps it's just me being hopeful and making excuses for him..

 

I like your suggestion of just asking him straight.. I know its the best thing to do and what I should do, I just need to get the courage to ask!

[Lucky_One]

Hey, there is stalking, and there is STALKING. I don't advocate STALKING.

 

But in any R, especially a LDR, I think a little stalking is in order. Heck, my sister and I spent an amusing 2 hours a month ago stalking some chick my brother is dating; it became a contest to see who can find out more weird info on her.**

 

You just don't know as much about a LDR partner as you would if you dated in the same town/county. You don't know if he is a felon, if he is married, if he is transsexual, if his home is foreclosed upon. You can't tell from online searches if he smells or if he dresses like Cher while drunk, but you CAN tell if he owns a home with someone else, if he pays his taxes on time, if he has outstanding warrants or a parole officer, or if he is president of the PTA at school.

 

A friend of mine found out that a guy she met on PoF was married with kids. He contacted her, he told her his name, they talked about getting together for coffee. She looked him up on the tax office website and found a street address. She used Google Earth to "walk" down his street, and wow there was his house with a mini-van parked in the drive and a swing set in the side yard. She asked, he confessed, she deleted his contact info.

 

SO heck yeah, I'd stalk. Forewarned is forearmed, and you really don't want to waste days/months/years getting to know someone, only to find out that you really don't know him at all.

 

** I won. The personal property taxes in her county require dog owners to list their dogs by age and breed; I found out the name of her two current Labs, as well as one that is apparently dead.

[binny]

Thanks Lucky_One, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who stalks people!

 

I can't believe what happened to your friend - why would a married man not say that he is married! I'm sure its a good thing they never met.. I guess it's very hard to know whether someone is hiding something, especially online..

[FitChick]

Do you even know what this guy looks like?

 

Do people in prison have access to Skype?

[FitChick]

Go to the dating forum and read Torn Curtain's saga, "We met"

 

Don't let this happen to you.

[erika2610]

Go to the dating forum and read Torn Curtain's saga, "We met"

 

Don't let this happen to you.

 

Aren't you in a LDR relationship yourself? And didn't you meet him online? The same thing that happened to TC could have happened to any of us who met our boyfriends online. IMO, it's not fair to jump to the conclusion that this guy is married, has a girlfriend, or is in *prison*.

[FitChick]

Aren't you in a LDR relationship yourself? And didn't you meet him online? The same thing that happened to TC could have happened to any of us who met our boyfriends online. IMO, it's not fair to jump to the conclusion that this guy is married, has a girlfriend, or is in *prison*.

 

Not in an LDR at the moment but have been in the past and probably will be again. I've been pretty fortunate with the men I've dated. What happened to Torn Curtain or binny would not happen to me because I am not invested in fantasy like they are. My head rules my heart, at least in the initial phase of a relationship. I don't want to waste time with wishful thinking. I wasted years when I was younger. Lesson learned!

 

Everyone has to learn their lessons the hard way it seems.

[binny]

I have seen a picture of him and he went on his webcam to show me something a while ago. But in general, we are both quite shy and when we first started talking I was very selfconcious and hated my appearence and so it was usually me who was hesitant on swapping pictures etc.

 

I've read what happened to Torn Curtain and I really feel for her - I hope no one else will have to go through what she's going though. I don't know her full story though so I don't know if there are any similarities between her situation and mine.

 

I agree there are some bad people online, but I also believe that some people out there are genuinely good people. I've read there have been some success stories on here and elsewhere with couples who met online, which must be proof that not everyone online is a bad person.

 

I'm not sure what bad things you think have happened to me, FitChick. Please correct me if I'm wrong, perhaps I'm not seeing things clearly. The way I see it, the only "bad" thing is that perhaps I may have turned guys down that I know in real life because I felt I had a stronger connection with this guy online. However, that doesn't mean that these guys in real life were right for me or wouldn't have broken my heart. Yes I was a bit upset that when he said he didn't know if he wanted to meet me one day. But maybe he had a reason for that. I did ask out of the blue and maybe that freaked him out him a little. Maybe if I had been more direct and asked something like "I'm planning a vacation to XXX, it would be great if we could meet up, what do you think?" I would have got a different response. Perhaps he just needs some time to get used to the idea of meeting up. After all, who knows whether we would get on as well as we get on online in real life. If we met and didn't get along in real life, would we stop talking to each other? Who knows...

[FitChick]

You're not getting any younger.