DenumChkn Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 *somehow the word 'helping' got cut off in my title, sorry should type slower next time* It has been about 2 months of NC, we were together for about 6 months. A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about other girls I had met, feeling much better about myself and not worrying so much about my ex. I would still think of my ex everyday, but it was getting to the point where when I would have those thoughts they didn't affect me on an emotional level. Well I'm not sure what triggered it, but for about the last week I have been feeling like the breakup was yesterday. When I lay down to go to sleep at night thoughts of her flood my brain. I try to think about some of the other girls I have met and while I am attracted to some of them, I just don't really feel anything towards them beyond sexual desire. I thought I was getting over my ex but I kind of feel like the NC has had the opposite of the desired effect. I have only heard little tidbits about her through mutual friends and I try not to bring her up, they usually do though and I can't fight my curiosity. She is not seeing anyone and as far as I know is just extremely dedicated to doing well in school (her reason for breaking up with me). She says I was the only guy she had ever loved and I was her longest relationship (and she was mine as well). I just can't stop feeling like she must still harness some feelings for me - but then why wouldn't she have made an effort to contact me over the past 2 months? It bothers me so much that it seems so easy for her to forget me and move on. But I don't get it as almost all of the stories like that on here involve the girl moving on with a new guy or guys.. She is not doing that, she is just focusing on her school and herself - which I respect. I have been feeling the urge to send a friendly text just to say I hope she is good and classes are going well. I don't know what to do at this point, I see other girls and feel the sexual attraction, but I can't bring myself to feel anything beyond that like I do for my ex.. Any advice is appreciated.
Mack05 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 *somehow the word 'helping' got cut off in my title, sorry should type slower next time* It has been about 2 months of NC, we were together for about 6 months. A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about other girls I had met, feeling much better about myself and not worrying so much about my ex. I would still think of my ex everyday, but it was getting to the point where when I would have those thoughts they didn't affect me on an emotional level. Well I'm not sure what triggered it, but for about the last week I have been feeling like the breakup was yesterday. When I lay down to go to sleep at night thoughts of her flood my brain. I try to think about some of the other girls I have met and while I am attracted to some of them, I just don't really feel anything towards them beyond sexual desire. I thought I was getting over my ex but I kind of feel like the NC has had the opposite of the desired effect. I have only heard little tidbits about her through mutual friends and I try not to bring her up, they usually do though and I can't fight my curiosity. She is not seeing anyone and as far as I know is just extremely dedicated to doing well in school (her reason for breaking up with me). She says I was the only guy she had ever loved and I was her longest relationship (and she was mine as well). I just can't stop feeling like she must still harness some feelings for me - but then why wouldn't she have made an effort to contact me over the past 2 months? It bothers me so much that it seems so easy for her to forget me and move on. But I don't get it as almost all of the stories like that on here involve the girl moving on with a new guy or guys.. She is not doing that, she is just focusing on her school and herself - which I respect. I have been feeling the urge to send a friendly text just to say I hope she is good and classes are going well. I don't know what to do at this point, I see other girls and feel the sexual attraction, but I can't bring myself to feel anything beyond that like I do for my ex.. Any advice is appreciated. I had the same thing mate. Doing two months NC, doing great and then one weekend BANG! It was horrible but it turned out to be the end of my grieving. I never struggled after that. Your doing great. If you can get past this phase you are almost there. Trust me she is hurting too. It's not easy for the dumper either. Reaching out now will just set you back. You are giving your power back to her and it will set your recovery back. The fact you are struggling like this is a sign believe it or not that NC is actually working..
k100danny Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Two months of no contact is good, it common for feelings to come back now and again but trust me your no contact is the best way forward, you think it feels like the break up was yesterday now but im telling you after a couple of texts you will know it feels like youve just broken up again. I spent time trying to be my ex's friend, i really wish i could be a true friend as we were before being together but it doesnt work. i'd love to see her as a true friend and not enquire but everytime contact came back up again we would be ok then id find myself wondering and feeling a mess again and its really not worth it. She will not have found it so easy either i expect although ive only had a few relationships and ive never ended one because of attachment issues but im sure she hurt too. but she probably realised that she couldnt meet your needs and maybe you couldnt hers i dont know the full story. stay strong and wait for any curiosity to subside, when you can think of her in a platonic way then maybe get back in touch but seriously try to be honest with yourself when you ask if you can contact her and not feel anything because youve done so much hard work already.
Author DenumChkn Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I think that is part of the problem.. I was doing the NC initially with the hopes of her contacting me and wanting to get back together. I think now it is maybe really hitting me that she is over it and doesn't want that. I can't honestly tell myself I don't still want her back and right now it feels like that feeling will never go away. I have no interest in other girls beyond physical attraction. I am not 'unhappy' by myself, I've been working out more and working hard sending out resumes trying to get a new and better job.. But I can't help feeling this gaping hole inside of me, every time I drive home from work on the same route I'd take to her house, every time I drive by a place we used to frequent.. I thought after two months these feelings would have subsided and I would stop associating every stupid little thing with her and missing her. I had not had many relationships before her and I have always had a pretty hard time meeting/attracting girls (I think partially because I have unrealistic standards, I won't even bother trying to have a relationship with a girl unless I am wildly attracted to her - which always inevitably leads to me getting dumped). I am pretty used to being alone, so I don't think it is just me being lonely, I think I genuinely just miss her. I'm hoping I get this job that is out of town, as I feel like continuing to live in the same city as her is hampering my ability to move on (not to mention my ability to make progress in life, being stuck in a college town working at a restaurant after you've graduated from college does not make one feel very fulfilled in their life - especially when you get dumped on top of all that).
k100danny Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I have the same kind of thing really. I find myself sexually attracted to people but i couldnt picture being in a relationship with someone at the minute. Some people say that rebounds can help people trying to let go, im not really a rebound kind of guy, i dont really sleep around and im not going to do it to try and make myself feel better because in all honesty i dont think it will. I used to have times when i thought i was fine then it could be a small thing like being in a shop and seeing a bottle of wine she used to drink and id feel bad again. It is easy to feel like this and as i say ive never been on the other end of dumping, i tend to have high standards too but when i fall for someone i fall hard. I met up with my ex today and im telling you it doesnt make it better getting in contact, weve been in contact on and off and seeing her today i was able to have a normal conversation such as laughing and joking and just generally asking how each other had been and getting up to date but once we left after an hour or so its like she is on my mind more. Im thinking how is she ok and im not, but you have to also understand that if someone breaks up with you there is usually a reason, with me i was very anxious in the relationship and i lamed myself thinking i was totally wrong but looking back now i see that we were quite a good match but she couldnt give me what i needed and maybe she wasnt ready too, this made me more anxious about the relationship. although she told me she had never pictured anyone in her future but she did with me. I guess sometimes we follow our heads and sometimes our emotions take over and put us into a kind of auto pilot, this is when we do things we regret. I still have a huge gaping hole that i dont think anyone can fill and i know they cant at the minute but it will go away. If you do contact your ex though it will make 100 times harder to move on. ive been there and ive done it, people told me it would be harder to moved on but like everyone i thought my relationship was different.
Daisy2 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Believe it or not she's hurting as much as you are right now, if not more... I am going through exact same situation as you are right now, and I was the one who dumped him. Yes, the first couple of months are the hardest for me as well. Keeping yourself busy, surround yourself with friends... but, it just seems like nothing can ease the pain. Well, if you really love her why don't you take the initiative and contact her and give it a second try? If not, NC is the best solution to move on. Honestly, she's sitting at home wondering how come you haven't contacted her? Cuz that's what I'm wondering everyday... "Did he ever care? Did I meant anything to him?" We girls like to be chased. Just a tip.
Author DenumChkn Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) Daisy just out of curiosity, what were the circumstances of your breakup (why did you do it, how long had you guys been together, etc.)? If you are wondering why he doesn't contact you and want him to, why don't you just contact him? What would you do even if he did contact you? Is there anything he could say or do to get you back? I know girls like to be chased, but most people on these forums, male and female alike, seem to say that you should NOT do that post-breakup. If your ex had kept calling you every day or week after the breakup, would you respect him or would it drive you away? I probably should have mentioned that right after the breakup we had brief cordial contact and then I confronted her about what we were. She gave me the friends ultimatum and I rejected it and said we should cut ties for now. Her birthday was 5 days after this, so I called her the night before her birthday to see if we could meet up the next day and exchange some belongings. She was annoyed on the phone and said she didn't understand why I was calling her. She said she was 'really busy' the next day with work and birthday stuff, so I said I would leave her stuff on the porch, I told her have a great birthday and goodbye. I did not ever end up leaving the stuff on her porch. That was the last time we talked, and her snottiness on the phone is a big factor in why I have maintained NC. But now with 2 months perspective I know I wouldn't be that emotional about it now, and it really bothers me that that was our last communication. Is she angry that I did not ever leave anything on her porch? Should the fact that she acted this way (I probably wouldn't have attempted contact if it were not her birthday the next day) warrant me continuing to leave the ball in her court? I guess the way I feel right now is that I could go on and live the rest of my life without her and be okay, but I REALLY don't want to, hah. Thanks for all of the replies guys I appreciate it. Edited October 14, 2011 by DenumChkn
Daisy2 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I broke up with him because I couldn’t trust him. Without trust, there’s no relationship. He gets jealous easily, always questioned my intensions. Never believe that I am a good girl because of all the girls that he’s been with. From the time that we’ve met he always talked about our future together, and I met his family shortly after. His family approved of me right away. But then, he was going through depression because of the problems with his family and his job. He said that he’s sad that he couldn’t take me out all the time because of his hours were cutting down at work, and he could barely pay his bills. So, out of no where he stopped talking to me for days. During the time when we didn’t have any contact, he applied online dating on facebook. I confronted him, he said he didn’t mean to apply for it; he just clicked on the site due to curiosity, then the next day he was getting emails from the site. I really didn’t believe him, so I made up the excuse of being busy with school and broke it off. I told him that we should just be friends, and he agreed and said that we are not right for each other, but if I ever need anything please contact him. After the break up, I never contacted him since. My friend told me that she saw him a few times and seemed like there’s something seriously wrong with him. He never goes anywhere anymore, barely worked, and he just didn’t seem like himself. It was recent that he deleted me off of his facebook (we broke up at the end of May), but the weird thing is that his mom had added me on to her fb a few days later. I don’t even know what to think about that… also, his brother and sister in law have added me after the break up. They still love me, whenever I run into them; they’ll try to invite me into their homes. I’m not contacting him is because I know that he has moved on. If he hasn’t moved on he would’ve contacted me a long time ago. Plus, he wouldn’t have applied online dating website while we were together. So, it’s pretty obvious that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well, with your ex, it seems like the reason why she was mad at you was because you called her before her birthday and asked her if she would like to pick up her things. It’s pretty much spelled it out for her that it is completely over between the two of you, and not only that, it was right before her birthday. She said that you are the first person who she has fallen in love with, to hear from you it’s definitely hard. We are girls, that’s what we do… a lot of times we pretend that we don’t care, but the truth is that we really do care and we really did wanted you guys to chase after us even when we said no. of course, you have to respect our space as well because the relationship is over. But, giving her a call once in a while (not daily), showing that you still do care means a lot! I wouldn’t want to live my life in regrets, because she’ll always be the one that you always want to go back to. So, why torture yourself? Just contact her; if she rejects you, then you know it’s time to move on. If she accepts you, then you know this time you’ll have to do things right and never let her go again. Give yourself a chance at love! If your heart is telling you that you love her, and that you cannot live without her then go for it. But, if you just want her because you felt rejected, then take sometime; think about what you really want before you contact her again. [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author DenumChkn Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 I'm sorry to hear about your ex Daisy, it sounds like you both had kind of lost interest in each other. If I found out my ex was lurking on dating sites I wouldn't still think about her the way I do. I see what you mean about how my ex might have thought I was trying to give stuff back on her birthday, but I really just wanted to see her on her birthday and give her a present. I was just afraid of seeming desperate or needy so I didn't say that. She still has my PJ's and I still have the gift hidden away.. Maybe I'm stubborn but I really wish she would be the one to contact me - after all, she is the one who broke it off with me. I think I need to wait longer and if she still does not contact me after 3-4 months maybe I'll reach out..
Daisy2 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Seems like you guys had a little misunderstanding, I wouldn't wait for too long if I were you. Before you know it, she's going to be with someone else. Wish you guys the best of luck!
flyguy23 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I'm sorry to hear about your ex Daisy, it sounds like you both had kind of lost interest in each other. If I found out my ex was lurking on dating sites I wouldn't still think about her the way I do. I see what you mean about how my ex might have thought I was trying to give stuff back on her birthday, but I really just wanted to see her on her birthday and give her a present. I was just afraid of seeming desperate or needy so I didn't say that. She still has my PJ's and I still have the gift hidden away.. Maybe I'm stubborn but I really wish she would be the one to contact me - after all, she is the one who broke it off with me. I think I need to wait longer and if she still does not contact me after 3-4 months maybe I'll reach out.. If someone goes 3-4 months without talking to you then its over man. Don't wait for her. I am in the same boat, exact same boat. My girl left me after 5 years and does not contact me at all. Thats a sign that she is done with me, like yours is with you. I know that I can't wait for her because the more amount of time that goes by without us talking is a sign that its over for good. If our ex's cared about us they would at least have some sort of contact here and there. But we get none at all, so the sign is clear. Stick with NC and move on for good.
Daisy2 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 If someone goes 3-4 months without talking to you then its over man. Don't wait for her. I am in the same boat, exact same boat. My girl left me after 5 years and does not contact me at all. Thats a sign that she is done with me, like yours is with you. I know that I can't wait for her because the more amount of time that goes by without us talking is a sign that its over for good. If our ex's cared about us they would at least have some sort of contact here and there. But we get none at all, so the sign is clear. Stick with NC and move on for good. I'm a little confused... Do you still care about your ex? Why haven't you contact her? If you cared, you would've contacted her too right? Aren't relatioinships two way street?
flyguy23 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I'm a little confused... Do you still care about your ex? Why haven't you contact her? If you cared, you would've contacted her too right? Aren't relatioinships two way street? Yes I did contact her, and she still said the same things, that she "loves me" "misses me everyday" but how can she love me if she doesn't make an effort to talk to me. After 5 years she just dropped me and will date other guys now. That isn't love.
Daisy2 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Yes I did contact her, and she still said the same things, that she "loves me" "misses me everyday" but how can she love me if she doesn't make an effort to talk to me. After 5 years she just dropped me and will date other guys now. That isn't love. I'm so sorry to hear that... We girls are confusing I have to say, half of the time I can't even figure out what I want... Maybe she's trying to make you jealous by going out with other guys; or maybe she just wants to try something new. Well, I really wish you the best of luck =) Keep yourself busy, everything will be ok.
Author DenumChkn Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Well, I texted her yesterday after 2 months of NC just to say I hoped she was doing well and that school was going good. No reply. This gives me the closure I need for sure, but it does hurt a little bit that I'm not even worthy of a response. I never treated her badly and our breakup wasn't bad, I simply told her that I could not be friends with her right away. I don't really get why she is acting like I'm a terrible person or something. Guess she is not as mature as I had always thought. I wouldn't even really care if she was seeing someone else or whatever, I just want to know that she is alive and well. I guess the next time a girl tells me she loves me I'll take it with a grain of salt and know that 3 months from then she could easily be pretending I don't exist. At least I know now I won't fall in love or get attached so easily in the future, not worth all of the inevitable heartache.
mike588 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 If someone goes 3-4 months without talking to you then its over man. Don't wait for her. I am in the same boat, exact same boat. My girl left me after 5 years and does not contact me at all. Thats a sign that she is done with me, like yours is with you. I know that I can't wait for her because the more amount of time that goes by without us talking is a sign that its over for good. If our ex's cared about us they would at least have some sort of contact here and there. But we get none at all, so the sign is clear. Stick with NC and move on for good. As far as them not contacting you after a breakup wouldn't it depend on why you broke up? If they left you for someone else they could be in the "honey moon" phase and are to involved with the other to contact you. If you cheated on them or physically abused them then yes that could be a sigh that it's over for good?
musicSaves12 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Believe it or not she's hurting as much as you are right now, if not more... I am going through exact same situation as you are right now, and I was the one who dumped him. Yes, the first couple of months are the hardest for me as well. Keeping yourself busy, surround yourself with friends... but, it just seems like nothing can ease the pain. Well, if you really love her why don't you take the initiative and contact her and give it a second try? If not, NC is the best solution to move on. Honestly, she's sitting at home wondering how come you haven't contacted her? Cuz that's what I'm wondering everyday... "Did he ever care? Did I meant anything to him?" We girls like to be chased. Just a tip. This is good advise but I wouldn't chase too much because that can push girls away too. At least that was one part of the problems in my past relationship I tried and tried to get her to think things through and reminded her of why we were good together etc., however in the end she didn't think of our relationship in the same way. Therefore I said my goodbyes and more or less told her hope everything goes well for her. It still hurts going through NC but I know it really does help. If she wants you back she will come back. Hang in there buddy and come back here to vent or when you are feeling down and especially if you want to contact her.
Author DenumChkn Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Well now that I broke the NC and she has not responded I don't think I'll be doing that again. I find it hard to believe she is sitting at home wondering if I ever cared since she can't even take the time to write a reply to a simple text message. I wasn't really contacting her with the goal of getting her back, more just to see how she is as I still care about her as a friend. I guess I'm asking too much of her though.. I wonder if I'll ever get my pajamas back? :/
Daisy2 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Well, I texted her yesterday after 2 months of NC just to say I hoped she was doing well and that school was going good. No reply. This gives me the closure I need for sure, but it does hurt a little bit that I'm not even worthy of a response. I never treated her badly and our breakup wasn't bad, I simply told her that I could not be friends with her right away. I don't really get why she is acting like I'm a terrible person or something. Guess she is not as mature as I had always thought. I wouldn't even really care if she was seeing someone else or whatever, I just want to know that she is alive and well. I guess the next time a girl tells me she loves me I'll take it with a grain of salt and know that 3 months from then she could easily be pretending I don't exist. At least I know now I won't fall in love or get attached so easily in the future, not worth all of the inevitable heartache. Well, I'm really glad that at least you tried to reach out to her. Now you have your answer and able to move on from her completely =) Don't shut your heart out, next time around you might meet the one and push her away. “You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.”
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