nini Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Hi all, Ok this is really weird...when he broke up with me, I begged for weeks, and even when I decided to go NC, in my heart, at that point I would have taken him back in a split second...however, after like a month or so of NC, he decides to come back and says the usual 'love you, miss you, made a mistake, lets get back together' and it made me sick in my stomach! I just want him to leave me alone so I can continue moving on. Is this normal? I never thought I could feel like this about him! Also, obviously, he really believed he could press the reset button and we could just start off where we left off, and all the crap that he's put me through doesnt matter. I guess thats what made me feel yuck re him. He didnt apologise for putting me through hell over the past few months, he said it was something he had to do coz i fought him so badly for 4 years...and he didnt want to discuss anything...when i tried to....he said 'why cant u just be happy with me?' Its scary how he doesnt want his actions and their implications on me to be discussed AT ALL. The minute I brought it up be erupted like a volcano and started crying! I was just like whooooaaa!! He acted like a little kid who doesnt like being told what he's done wrong...and he's almost 29! Anyways have decided that feeling sorry for him isnt going to help either one of us....am going to ignore any/all communication from him starting now. Though I feel really really sad that he's lonely and when he cries it breaks my heart...I kinda hope he finds someone new very soon so he can be happy again!
M2155 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Wow. Good for you for recognizing that he isn't accepting accountability and doesn't understand that you can't pick up right where you left off. You sound like you are making a smart decision for you.
geegirl Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Good for you Nini. When someone just breezes in out of nowhere and wants to just forget what happened and jump back into an R, red flag. What's even better is that you have boundaries! You're doing great!
LoveNoob Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Good job nini I hope i have that willpower should my ex-GF ever want me back and not even apoligise for anything or admit her mistakes.
Mack05 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Nini I was scared this would happen and I am scared you are kidding yourself right now. Firstly let me tell you how proud I am for coming so far. You and sugarlily are the the only reason(s) I still post on the website. I try to help as much as I can, but when people are hurting it's very hard to get through to them. I am going to tell you a story about my past Nin and hopefully it helps you stay strong. I was involved in a 4 year relationship with a very volatile character. Now most times she was sweet, affectionate and loving but sometimes after a few beers she was very unpredictable. I remember one night being out with a few friends who had come from New York. She asked to come in and I said no because she would never let me relax when out with my buddies. I had to be alongside her nearly all the time and if I wasn't I'd know all about it. I explained to her I hardly ever see these guys and that its best she dont come in cause I can't give her full attention. She came in drunk and within 20 minutes was screaming at me in the pub in front of my friends. I had to leave with her. I was embrassed and furious with her. She ended up throwing every piece of jewellery I ever bought her down a drain. If that wasn't enough she then punched me in trhe face. I decided that night to leave the relationship. A few weeks later I was in Australia. Whoops not finished will add below
Mack05 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 after 2 months NC (I was in Australia) she made contact. A long letter apologising for everything. Saying all nice stuff about me and saying she would change. I ignored her advances but would always be civil. When in Australia I had two brief relationships but they ended because I was still in Love with my ex. Despite all the cruel things she did to me I still loved her and would focus on the good things and the happy memories. Over the next 6 months she would make contact every month or so. Everytime I seemed to be close to healing I would get a long letter pouring her feelings into it. She would call down to my parents regulary (200 mile drive) just to say hi. They never knew what she did (I didnt want them thinking badly of her) so they wanted us back together. I got a job offer to stay full time in Australia and decided to take it. I told her. One week later she was in Sydney. She looked pretty amazing and played my like a voilin. I am very close to my family and she used that against me. She manipulated me and slowly broke me down. I promise Mack I will change. I was in Therapy (it turned out to be one session!) and I wont be crazy b!tch girl again. I bought it hook line and sinker. After 6 weeks hanging out and her wearing me down I gave in. I went home..BAD move. We spent 3 more years together. Things were never the same. I lost 3 years Nin. I could have stayed living on a beach and be god knows where today. Instead I made the wrong choice. I ignored my gut instinct and went back to her. Our last year she treated me just horribly. Recently she got married and asked for my forgiveness. I gave it to her. Life is too short to stgay angry and bitter. It's not her fault. Yes she was a b!tch and yes she manipulated me but I allowed it to happen and I ignored my inner voice...
Mack05 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Nin you know why he is doing this right? I mean the signs are as obvious as can be. He wanted the break up but hadn't planned on things being very different. He joined an adult site, still couldn't find a girl and now he is literally panicking. He is suffering from what is called 'the fear'. He faced the world on his own and he doesnt like it. He hates these vulnerable feelings. Now he wants to go back to his safety net (you). Watch how he makes promises to change over the next few weeks. He is going to try wear you down. You think if he hooked up with a girl that he would have come back!!!??Hell no!!! You have done so well. Our ex's seem to know when to come back in our lives, just as you are about to move on!. Please do not fall for these false/empty promises. If you go back, then it will fail. Let me repeat that. IT WILL FAIL...Except it will be so much worse this time. You need to show more courage and strength then you have ever had to before..He will play your strings, he will tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear..You need to focus on you and your happiness. His happiness is not important right now. Wish him well (in your mind) but please please please Nin don't make the same mistake I did. It's my biggest ever regret in my life so far... Edited October 13, 2011 by Mack05
Author nini Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Thanks for that Mack! Honestly, I just had a conversation with him, and told him that he hasnt taken responsibility etc...he got sooooo defensive and guess what he said 'Am sorry for messing you around again, I guess I just missed u but I know we are not compatible'....ridiculous!! what a B&^%&^*%D. And straight away, I was like no I have changed, I am a better person and I had to stop and ask myself what the hell i was doing. Am so mad at him for playing the sympathy card and for feeling sorry for him. What a jerk!!! Aaaarrggghhhhh! Selfish son of a B****H! anyways, bad day, will sleep it off and recover for tomorrow!! How can someone be so cruel and selfish though?
M2155 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 At least you know the truth. Sounds like he was just looking for comfort. Good for you for staying true to your feelings.
wilsonx Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Thanks for that Mack! Honestly, I just had a conversation with him, and told him that he hasnt taken responsibility etc...he got sooooo defensive and guess what he said 'Am sorry for messing you around again, I guess I just missed u but I know we are not compatible'....ridiculous!! what a B&^%&^*%D. And straight away, I was like no I have changed, I am a better person and I had to stop and ask myself what the hell i was doing. Am so mad at him for playing the sympathy card and for feeling sorry for him. What a jerk!!! Aaaarrggghhhhh! Selfish son of a B****H! anyways, bad day, will sleep it off and recover for tomorrow!! How can someone be so cruel and selfish though? People are selfish and cruel because they are a product of their environments. I went through the same bull**** Mack did. My ex broke up with me, went on a date and came back to me a week later and said "Im sorry I made a mistake lets get back together" The entire time she was looking for someone else as a shoulder to cry on and leave me for. This is why reconciliations are bull****. Don't ever do them. The second time hurts way worse because you always feel like you are walking on eggshells not to make them mad. Go back to NC and move on, they will not change, I promise you
Author nini Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 People are selfish and cruel because they are a product of their environments. I went through the same bull**** Mack did. My ex broke up with me, went on a date and came back to me a week later and said "Im sorry I made a mistake lets get back together" The entire time she was looking for someone else as a shoulder to cry on and leave me for. This is why reconciliations are bull****. Don't ever do them. The second time hurts way worse because you always feel like you are walking on eggshells not to make them mad. Go back to NC and move on, they will not change, I promise you You're so right...am just mad at myself for spending the past few days feeling terribly sorry for him, so basically, what he was doing was poking to see if i'd crumble, and the minute i kind of did by saying 'it would work if you would discuss with me what went wrong and take responsibility for your part as I am willing to take for mine' he straight away went on the defense and his usual line 'sorry for messing u around again but we're just not compatible' etc...it really really hurt!! Like who treats someone else like that? Anyways, I knew all along I didnt want to be with him, but just felt so sorry, he's been crying over the phone everytime I've talked to him, and I thought for a second, I've changed, maybe he has too. yeah right! He's still the baby-man he was 2 months ago!! Good riddance to bad rubbish I say!! Good night everyone
Author nini Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 At least you know the truth. Sounds like he was just looking for comfort. Good for you for staying true to your feelings. Yeah, thats all it was!! He was poking to see if I was still available just in case!! I feel soooo let down and hurt, I dont want to be with him, but I've known/loved him for 4 years and he is capable of such selfishness! It really hurts. But never mind, Its me I have to focus on...NC resumes tomorrow folks!! All that hard work on NC wasted though!!
Author nini Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Someone pls give me as many reasons as possible on why I should not phone him and have a proper lash out and let him know what a selfish SOB I think he is! My hearts still reeling...how dare he do this! I was doing sooo well as well! I wanna go sleep and wake up this having not have happened...
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Someone pls give me as many reasons as possible on why I should not phone him and have a proper lash out and let him know what a selfish SOB I think he is! My hearts still reeling...how dare he do this! I was doing sooo well as well! I wanna go sleep and wake up this having not have happened... Nin don't reply to him anymore (no matter how many times he contacts you or no matter what he says). That will send a clearer message to him then lashing him out of it ever could...You have the power now Nin. I am very proud of you right now. I was sure you were going to go back to him.
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Someone pls give me as many reasons as possible on why I should not phone him and have a proper lash out and let him know what a selfish SOB I think he is! My hearts still reeling...how dare he do this! I was doing sooo well as well! I wanna go sleep and wake up this having not have happened... Nini, your mindset is nowhere close to how your ex functions. You think he thinks the same way you do and feels the same way you do. NO. He does not have a conscience. If someone can use and manipulate you like that without ever thinking about your feelings or how it is going to affect you, do you actually believe a lashing is going to make him feel bad or even reflect? No. In one ear out the other and he will continue being who he is. This is what will happen. You lash at him on the phone. He'll listen to you and think you're rambling like a lunatic and you hang up and that will be it. What do you thing happens then? He is still that same person who will go on to do it to someone else. And you? You just wasted your emotions and energy on someone who just doesn't give a s*** about what you say or feel. When someone is selfish and manipulative, they are not concerned about your feelings. They're concerned about fulfiling their needs and will stoop to any level to get it. They don't care about repercussions, and what it does to the other person. He is showing you who he is. Be grateful for this day. Be grateful that he showed you the type of pig he is because you could have learnt this lesson the hard way.
M2155 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 He is showing you who he is. Be grateful for this day. Be grateful that he showed you the type of pig he is because you could have learnt this lesson the hard way. This is a great message. Here's a couple. It will just sound like nagging, annoying, putting him down and he'll see that as more of a reason not to be attracted to youYou're not putting yourself first by showing you don't need him by still showing the need to engage with him.It's a waste of your valuable time because you already know what he is aboutIf you don't say anything, it leaves him unsure how you really feel and maybe he will self-reflect one day and remember he he treated you
Author nini Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Thanks Mack and Geegirl! You know, i was doing so well, felt really good about myself having stuck to NC for so long, felt like I got a little bit of control/power/dignity back again....and i lost it all in seconds!! I wasnt able to sleep at all last night, felt sick in my stomach,tossed and turn and ended up not going to work and waking up at 1pm. I feel so sick and am physically cold when its so warm outside! I know you guys are right, even my therapist said the same thing (yesterday was my last session btw) that I shouldn't even for a second think that any of his emotions are genuine! I just feel like he knows like he almost got me, and he must be feeling so smug and in control...coz i even told him i still loved him when he kept asking if I did...so he obviously got what he wanted, he got all the validation he wanted and now probably feels that I havent moved on... How do I get my power back and send a clear message that I'm over him and dont want him in my life??
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Thanks Mack and Geegirl! You know, i was doing so well, felt really good about myself having stuck to NC for so long, felt like I got a little bit of control/power/dignity back again....and i lost it all in seconds!! I wasnt able to sleep at all last night, felt sick in my stomach,tossed and turn and ended up not going to work and waking up at 1pm. I feel so sick and am physically cold when its so warm outside! I know you guys are right, even my therapist said the same thing (yesterday was my last session btw) that I shouldn't even for a second think that any of his emotions are genuine! I just feel like he knows like he almost got me, and he must be feeling so smug and in control...coz i even told him i still loved him when he kept asking if I did...so he obviously got what he wanted, he got all the validation he wanted and now probably feels that I havent moved on... How do I get my power back and send a clear message that I'm over him and dont want him in my life?? You do what geegirl said Nin. I would be shocked he if doesn't come crawling back for more. You are starting to see this guy for what he is. If you said that to me 2 months ago, I would have said not a chance so I am very proud of you. I posted this on buttercups thread. I feel it is just as relevant to you Nin. You wish your ex would change and be the sweet guy you remembered. The thing is that nasty guy is part of who your ex is, you just couldn't see it. The first few years you rarely see the bad side of someone. They love you and are infatuated with you. They are showing you their best sides. Your ex has a bad side, with bad qualities (most of us have flaws/bad side, some more then others). He needs to accept this and want to change himself. You can't make him do it, no matter how much you want to. Change takes time (on both sides). I know you wish he would change (go back to Mr sweet guy) and stop emotionally and verbally insulting you, but that is who he is. If he wants to change that will take months, even years. When we fall in love with someone, we see their best qualities. Too many times on this site, I have read he is not the guy I fell in love with. He is, he just hid his bad side. Real true love is when you see all sides to your partner, warts and all and you still feel just as strongly about them..My ex saw my worst sides and decided I wasn't for her. That's fine, her choice. But the woman I marry, will love all of me and will hopefully she will see my heart and accept my flaws. Do you think your ex accepted your flaws and imperfections? No! he did the opposite and made you feel horrible. That is not real love.. The clearest message you can send is make a promise to yourself to NEVER contact him again, the NEVER reply to him again. He will probably come back and if/when he does you will have all the power you need. Even if doesn't you have seen this guy for what he truly is and you can move on with your life in peace with no regrets or wondering what if. The best revenge you can get on this guy Nin is to live your life well. You have learnt so much the past 6 months. Lessons that will stand to you later in life. You have become a far stronger person. Just keep going Nin. Keep rebuilding that self confidence and self belief. You will meet the right guy. No doubt in my mind but in the meantime enjoy yourself! Stop thinking about him and why he does the things he does. Stop feeling sorry for him. Focus on you and the rest will take care of itself
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) You didn't lose anything Nini. If you went back to him, that would have been you losing all the power and control you have. This was just a crossing with a manipulative individual that somehow made you just feel bad about yourself. That is no way an indication of loss of power. If you went back to him, that would have been defeat. You were not defeated. You fought back and although you feel he had the upper hand, he didn't because you said NO. People like him do not like being told no. It is not what they are used to because they get what they want. And you didn't give him what he wanted. Who has the power? YOU. How can he feel in control when he doesn't have you? Being in control is him having you again by his side eating up his BS and manipulating you. He is not in control. He couldn't get you back with his scheming. You give him too much credit. When a woman says no to these types, it's a huge dent to their ego and their sense of entitlement. Don't for one second believe you gave him control. You cornered him like a the pig he is and when he couldn't talk his way out of his scheming, he said he couldn't go through with it. He was caught red-handed. You don't think he knows you are on to him. He knows. That is all you needed to do to let him know you "see him". You not moving on from him would be you accepting him back. The fact that you are not accepting him is a sign to him that you are seeing clarity and seeing him for who he is. That is a sign that you are moving on. You already got your power back. Your silence will be a sign that you are moving on and you don't want him in your life. Turn it around. If someone completely ignored you from their life, what message would it send you? That they don't want anything to do with you. Calling him and telling him, that to him is attention, and any type of attention is attention to them. That tells him you are still affected. And he will use it to manipulate you again. Your silence will be heard. Trust me. This was just a bump in the road. Keep going. You have control and you have your power back. In a few days, you will be feeling yourself again. I promise. Just don't keep stirring this pot. Edited October 14, 2011 by geegirl
Author nini Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Mack and geegirl..I've sent you both PM with an email that I've drafted but not sent (in response to an email from him which basically said i gave him hope that we could be together again on Tuesday and then took it away yesterday). Let me know what you think, I'm torn, I feel like an email like that would send a strong message that I'm over him and it was only my guilt that led me to talk to him for 4 days (sunday - yesterday) but on the other hand, will silence speak a lot louder than that email? Please give me your opinions coz I am not sending the email without weighing the advantages/disadvantages of sending it versus silence. Thanks so much you guys, honestly, I feel like crap!! But its fine, minor blip, just wish it hadnt happened.
geegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I replied Nini. I would say 150% silence. But if you really want to send that email, short and precise and end it right there.
Author nini Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 I ended up not emailing...really proud of myself
Mack05 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I ended up not emailing...really proud of myself wow just wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:bunny::bunny:
Author nini Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Got bombarded with texts today...first being kind and loving, then playing victim, then having a bit of a lash out, and then back to being loving...the last one was something like 'you're my baby, I love you' Blah blah blah..
wilsonx Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 This is my favorite NC quote "You hesitate to stab me with a word, and know not - silence is the sharper sword." ~Samuel Johnson Its actually really true... Geegirl is spot on with her posts. I am in your same shoes nini with the manipulative bitch stalking me on an online hookup site and sending me fake pictures of another girl to get my attention and make me break NC. And you know what, there have been days where I have written them out but thats what she wants again. Control over me. NC is the only way to keep that control
Recommended Posts