I messed up...getting her back?

[AwptiK]

I hope this is the proper section for this.. I made the mistake, but i've realized it, fixed it and I want things to go back to how they were. I need to earn a second chance or convince her somehow..

 

Background: i'm 20, college junior, supervisor at a local CVS. Her, 22, has a son (2yrs), coworker/also a supervisor. She was dating the boy's father when her and I met, but solely because of who he was and not wanting her son to have to grow up in without both parents. We started talking in July and when things became more than just random flirting, she left the boy's father and moved back in with her parents. We agreed to take things slowly because she's always been dating someone and she has a lot of stuff to deal with before she can have a relationship again.

 

We talked and progressed for a whole month, it was really great. Then one day she said things were going too quickly, so I called and we talked, things were fine, but it was more of a reminder not to progress until she's ready for more. Her main point was "It's unfair to you, when you're ready and i'm not".

 

After the call, I overthought the hell out of everything. We ended up having an argument a few hours later which was my doing. We didn't talk for about 3 days, and then I saw her at work and I apologized. We became "friends" with the understanding that when she is ready we will try things again.

 

At first I played my cards well and had her coming back to me. Things built back up a LOT but she stepped back again, not wanting to get in too deep again, too soon. I had a little frustration, some insecurity and other frustration with other things in my life, and took it out on her one night over a text. I said some bad, insulting things about going back and forth, feeling like a toy, etc. The following day I went in to work while she was there and apologized for how I was and said I was being selfish, doing what I wanted instead of being who she needed me to be. She followed by saying things are over, completely.

 

That was ~3 weeks ago.

 

I know she's not ready and I should have just accepted things and been chill. I was "that guy" when she was ready and I pushed her and put a lot of stress and drama into things while she's already full-up on those.

 

We went an entire week without talking and then when we saw each other again at work it was polite and friendly. It's not progressed at all on a relationship standpoint, but we talk as friends for a good bit each day we see each other. I lightly flirt, but don't push my luck or be physical or anything.

 

A coworker talked to her a week ago, bringing me up, and basically she said this about things with me:

"I'm comfortable with how things are now and I don't want to ruin a friendship. He will KNOW when or if the door is open for things to build back up to where they were again."

 

There's times I feel like she expects me to talk to her, like two days ago when we rode together to a meeting, and after I got out of the car and walked over to my car and before getting in, I looked over and she was standing beside her car peering over at me. That's simply because I have gone out of my way to talk to her, but I don't want her to expect that with us just being friends.

 

Today, I went by work after class and we talked for a bit. She was extremely ill from stress and dealing with a lot of stuff this month (her son's 2nd bday party is this weekend). I got a slight insight into things though:

 

For one, she was standing on a chair to reach a top shelf in the stockroom and she was leaning back slightly, and I put my hand on her back, which wasn't pushed away or given any negative attention (which she would do or say if she wanted).

 

This second one isn't exactly good, but she was texting someone and I jokingly talked about her "texting her new boyfriend" and I immediately got a "don't" and, "I already have a knife in my back". I tried to get detail, but she changed the topic. I've been wondering about that phrase all day long, I think it has to do with her having trusted me and then I said what I said that night....

 

Lastly, and where i'll end my book, when we first started "talking" she saw that one of her favorite comedians will be in town in November (3 months away at the time), and mentioned it to me. Today, I (told a little white lie) said, "So...i've had tickets to see the Wayans Brothers since August......if you'd like to go" and she responded with "I'll think about it" and I said it's like 3 weeks down the road so she has time.

 

To some, "i'll think about it", is an avoidance, but she is the kind of person who will cut to the chase and say no. At some point i'll ask again, as a "night out to get away from all the stress she's had to deal with this month", but closer to the actual show-date.

 

Any/all advice is greatly appreciated guys!

 

No matter what, I learned a LOT from how stupid, insecure and emotional I was about things. I thought with everything but my head, and I will never do what I did again. Things were so great between her and I, that I'd like her to see the new me before I give up hope. I wish I could just SAY that to her.

 

 

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Edit for what I was looking for advice about:

 

I'm just looking for what to do and how to act, to show her i've changed since what happened, that i'd like that second chance, etc. Whether or not I should talk to her about it, or just let things happen. As I said, I do wish I could just tell her flat out how much I realize and hate what I did and all that. Just, whatever I should be doing to influence the result I want (having her back).

 

To some extent I believe part of it is in regaining her trust while doing what I should to not come off as entirely a friend, to hint at more (if that's something I should be doing). If there were light ways to slowly escalate a physical connection between her and I again, for example. I did put my hand on her back yesterday, so if I should try and slowly do more and more physical touching, then that'd be worth knowing too.

 

At the same time, if anyone sees any insight or hints from her about any possible openings, then share that too. I do know that when she wants more, she will make it extremely obvious, but i'd like to work it up to that point as much as I can.

Edited October 13, 2011 by AwptiK

[bdbmwer]

Well the first thing is you should have been very very cautious to go ANYWHERE so fast seeing as she just ended things with someone she was with for a while and had a kid with. She was most likely looking for support and a shoulder to lean on at the time and not to get serious quick with anyone. Second dont apologize for doing what you wanted to do. Apologize for doing blatantly hurtful things but dont take fault for everything and be a doormat.

 

Second im really sorry to tell you this but im just going to be honest. The reason you are being friendzoned is because youre still always there giving her all the emotional support that she wanted in the first place without her having to progress at all and from what youve described there was never much time to really become attracted.

 

and please stop assuming shes one way or another because you just dont know for sure. "ill think about it" sounds a lot like no to me in a nice way. but I guess youll know when the time comes.

 

My suggestion would to be to stop coming on so strong. Let go and improve yourself show off independance and let her strike up a conversation for once instead of assuming that her actions are requesting you start one. If she wants to talk bad enough she WILL tell you.

[AwptiK]

Hmm, yeah I understand what you mean. I'll stop pursuing conversation with her as much as I have been and let her come to me if that's what she wants.

 

"I'll think about it" could be a no, and I am open to hearing that as well. I haven't fully thought "Oh, she's definitely saying no, or definitely isn't". I just base it off of everything i've known about her and her reactions. I think there is some consideration of going from her end. It might not be much to think about, or she even had to tell herself that she shouldn't go, but she'd have said no if that was her first thought.

 

As far as apologizing for the blatantly hurtful things, I did do this immediately after the event, but at the time of my apology, I hadn't quite realized just how "bad" I was or the effect I had on her. At the current point where we are, should I apologize again with my new realizations of my actions, or even bring that up? I wouldn't really think so, unless she brings it up.. It does still drive me crazy, which is why I would like to say those things.

[AwptiK]

Well, thanks again for the advice. I just wanted to update things briefly.

 

I've felt pretty awful lately, about what I did, in saying blatantly angry things to her via text in my night of weakness. It capped itself off when she said to me, "I already have a knife in my back", which was a little extreme, because I didn't do THAT much wrong. But I took it as her trusting me and my being a good guy, then I did that. Could be a wrong interpretation but it doesn't matter.

 

Anyway, feeling how i've felt, I felt the need to apologize again and get it out of my system completely. Last night I wrote an apology out on paper, (I'd have said it in person, but when I plan to say something, I always ramble and don't ever get my point across), and basically said 2 points, that I wanted to apologize again for that night, because even though I apologized the morning after, I had not fully seen the extent of what I had said. The second, was just saying that i'm not expecting nor trying to change anything, I simply have felt terrible and just wanted to get it off of my chest.

 

I had plans with another coworker last night, so when he got off work, I went in, handed her the note and left. I have never felt better. I've rid myself of that one regret and I'm optimistic about whatever my future may hold for me. The ONLY actual thing I wanted and expected from that note, was a more peaceful friendship between us. We had started out peacefully after things ended, but with time, she's become more and more standoffish around me.

 

I think part of it is how we've talked more and more at work, until she did become that way. I guess that just shows she's still dealing with things to some extent, or she'd just be fine around me.

 

Actually saw her today, which took me by surprise based on where she lives. She had to come by work to figure out the schedule and switch up some hours/days, and she was nice and peaceful the whole time. Exactly what I wanted.

 

Not gonna lie though, I hate seeing her in normal clothes. O.O