Kuite09 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Hey LS, Do you guys believe......... "Absence makes the heart grow fonder or its is more like out of sight out of mind" ??????? What do you guys think? Edited October 13, 2011 by Kuite09 error Link to post Share on other sites
momto3boys Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I think it depends. Last time my husband left me (this is the 2nd time) absence made the heart grow fonder. This is the 2nd time he has left me like i said and its more like out of sight out of mind this time around. But he also did a lot of screwed up stuff to me so thats probably why, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Hello Kuite, This is the best answer I found till now. This was orginally posted by Carhill. I hope he doesnt mind me taking his words & spreading them. My data point is 'absence gives one perspective'. Perspective to clarify and accept and process the positives and negatives of the relationship to a neutral state. Each of us is unique but I doubt anyone who has formed emotional memories which include another person 'erases' them from memory. The emotions can be 'erased' or processed but the memories most likely live on forever, hopefully in a healthy state of neutrality. My version is I look back on on the positive memories of my M and my exW happened to be the person whom I shared those positive memories with. It was good at the time. That's it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuite09 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I think it depends. Last time my husband left me (this is the 2nd time) absence made the heart grow fonder. This is the 2nd time he has left me like i said and its more like out of sight out of mind this time around. But he also did a lot of screwed up stuff to me so thats probably why, lol. This is the 2nd time my ex of 7yrs breaks up with me. Its been 6 months and honestly I feel like this is really it, because so much time as passed by and nothing. I havnt even seen him in like 5 months and hes dating someone else. I think its time I close the book because if he hasnt tried coming back around already then he might never will. Link to post Share on other sites
TheDovic Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Well if begging and pleading dimish any feelings your may ex have for you then logic would state that absense does in fact make the heart grow fonder. I honestly believe in most cases this is true as humans are by design nostalgic and tend to remember the good times in our past as opposed to the bad. For example, when I think of being a child my first thought isn't about my strict mum, my dad not being around or hating school and having to be dragged there everyday. I think of the good times, i.e. having a great imagination and every moment FEELING magical. And this is the key point, how we FEEL. Rather than think logically something is good or bad, we feel it so we are much more inclined to believe it. Another example is with my ex. All of my friends and family (as well as my chums on LS) are aware how bad my relationship was for the past year. I couldn't even say we were just friends because I couldn't stand the sight of her at times, BUT when I think back to my relationship all I see are the good times and feel really happy when I think about her. Now, just to prove that dumpers are not immune to this I have another example. About two months ago when she was throwing me major breadcrumbs we went to Ikea together, and honestly it was the worst day EVER!!! She complained the whole time, couldn't wait to get away from me and even sent me a text that night apologising for her behaiour. HOWEVER, about 2/3 weeks ago she text saying she misses me and wishes we could still do things together "like the day we went to Ikea because that was so much fun!" - See what I mean???? Now, I'm not saying absense will make the heart grow so fond that your ex will come running back, but it's certainly better than begging and pleading. Furthermore it also depends on the type of breakup, i.e. if you were extremely abusive then they may feel the relief of living a life without having to cope with this. Edited October 13, 2011 by TheDovic Link to post Share on other sites
momto3boys Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Well if begging and pleading dimish any feelings your may ex have for you then logic would state that absense does in fact make the heart grow fonder. I honestly believe in most cases this is true as humans are by design nostalgic and tend to remember the good times in our past as opposed to the bad. For example, when I think of being a child my first thought isn't about my strict mum, my dad not being around or hating school and having to be dragged there everyday. I think of the good times, i.e. having a great imagination and every moment FEELING magical. And this is the key point, how we FEEL. Rather than think logically something is good or bad, we feel it so we are much more inclined to believe it. Another example is with my ex. All of my friends and family (as well as my chums on LS) are aware how bad my relationship was for the past year. I couldn't even say we were just friends because I couldn't stand the sight of her at times, BUT when I think back to my relationship all I see are the good times and feel really happy when I think about her. Now, just to prove that dumpers are not immune to this I have another example. About two months ago when she was throwing me major breadcrumbs we went to Ikea together, and honestly it was the worst day EVER!!! She complained the whole time, couldn't wait to get away from me and even sent me a text that night apologising for her behaiour. HOWEVER, about 2/3 weeks ago she text saying she misses me and wishes we could still do things together "like the day we went to Ikea because that was so much fun!" - See what I mean???? Now, I'm not saying absense will make the heart grow so fond that your ex will come running back, but it's certainly better than begging and pleading. Furthermore it also depends on the type of breakup, i.e. if you were extremely abusive then they may feel the relief of living a life without having to cope with this. I agree with you 100%. Specially the type of break up. The reason i think i am more "out of sight outta mind" this time is because my husband became emotionally and verbally abusive towards me the past year (pretty sure he has PTSD from going to Afghanistan) and honestly i keep thinking "ugh i dont wanna see him" if i know im gonna have to see him. We are aboutt o have a baby together in a few weeks and all i can think about is how i wanna be fair its his baby too but how much i just dont want to be around him! Its almost like a relief not being with him now. Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 In my opinion, basically it comes down to 2 imporatnt factors: 1) What lead to the breakup? 2) Are they still single or with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Your absence compunds your presence... Zabs xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuite09 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 In my opinion, basically it comes down to 2 imporatnt factors: 1) What lead to the breakup? 2) Are they still single or with someone else? You can read my previous threads. We broke up due to trust issues on my part and my nagging, complaining and attitude issues. Yes, he is currently seeing someone else and told me straight out. I havnt seen him in 5 months and we been apart for almost 7 months. However told I asked to see him and he told me sure when and where let me know. Don't know what to think of it. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Absence just dulls the memory. Link to post Share on other sites
redblack66 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Your absence compunds your presence... Zabs xx I like this one. Hope it is true... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoob Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) No Contact, aka absensce, is used to make you move on and get over a person, to stop thinking about him/her. So that eventually that other person becomes a good/bad memory. So if your ex moves on and you lose contact, yeah that's the same, except they already have a replacement for you that may be better or worse than you. In either case, the absence might make the heart grow fonder if there still is love in the other's heart and if the new relationship isnt as pleasant or fulfilling as the last one. If the replacement is good enough though, you become a good/bad memory. Edited October 13, 2011 by LoveNoob Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Although I'm the dumpee, absence is certainly not making me any more fond of my ex, and that's not to say at all that I don't still care. I think if we both had a really strong emotional connection to each other that his new GF couldn't replace, then maybe he would miss me. But I did all the desperate stupid things before we broke up so I just hope time makes him forget that part! On the other hand, over time I guess I do reflect more fondly than negatively. I believe some people don't appreciate what they have until it's gone, and it's a result of not being able to replace what you had with a person. But the "if you take it away, they'll want it more" only applies when they really wanted it in the first place. Side note: Where I think absence can make the heart grow fonder is in an LDR. In my experience when you had someone you were so connected to, the not being able to see them just made seeing them so much better. (I know a lot of sales people who travel for work and they say it helps their marriage). Of course LDRs have their downsides. Edited October 13, 2011 by M2155 Link to post Share on other sites
redblack66 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 But I did all the desperate stupid things before we broke up so I just hope time makes him forget that part! Would you mind listing the "desperate stupid things". This could be valuable info. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kuite09 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Although I'm the dumpee, absence is certainly not making me any more fond of my ex, and that's not to say at all that I don't still care. I think if we both had a really strong emotional connection to each other that his new GF couldn't replace, then maybe he would miss me. But I did all the desperate stupid things before we broke up so I just hope time makes him forget that part! On the other hand, over time I guess I do reflect more fondly than negatively. I believe some people don't appreciate what they have until it's gone, and it's a result of not being able to replace what you had with a person. But the "if you take it away, they'll want it more" only applies when they really wanted it in the first place. Side note: Where I think absence can make the heart grow fonder is in an LDR. In my experience when you had someone you were so connected to, the not being able to see them just made seeing them so much better. (I know a lot of sales people who travel for work and they say it helps their marriage). Of course LDRs have their downsides. Yea I also did the whole desperate and calling and texting asking why why why etc. oh and the begging. Its been 6 months post break up and 5 months since I last seen him. He is currently seeing someone but he agreed to see me next week to catch up. I don't know what to do! Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I think if you want to see him and are strong enough to accept him as only a friend, then go see him. If you're emotional and seeing him would set you back from moving on, then you shouldn't. If my ex asked, I'd probably go see him. But I don't think I want him back so hopefully I could have a nice chat without being too emotionally influenced. @Redblack66 Oh I did all the typical desperate stuff to give him all the power, nothing new here:rolleyes:. I would call, text, be available every day, willing to drive, pay if we went out, whatever while he ignored the crap out of me. He could go over a week without aknowledging I existed but then text "hello" and I'd be all happy. How stupid was I? UGH. I am mad I accepted that:mad:. Definitely lost the "attraction" as I got more taken for granted and he called all the shots. I even tried NC a couple times but I'd always fall into the old habits. It was the beginning of the end as he was making nice with his ex. Funny, I never asked "why". Guess I figured it out on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
redblack66 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 @Redblack66 Oh I did all the typical desperate stuff to give him all the power, nothing new here:rolleyes:. I would call, text, be available every day, willing to drive, pay if we went out, whatever while he ignored the crap out of me. He could go over a week without aknowledging I existed but then text "hello" and I'd be all happy. How stupid was I? Well, you have done the wrong things. I did the same when I was trying to save my marriage, and I did it for 8 months, and we lived in the same house. This is the last time I did it, lessons learned. In my current situation, I have not done any of those things. Essentially, I just said I am here if you decide to come back. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Hey LS, Do you guys believe......... "Absence makes the heart grow fonder or its is more like out of sight out of mind" ??????? What do you guys think? In my case, yes, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I miss him a lot. We had a good thing going on, we had our happy moments, then something like 'commitment' destroyed everything we had. But this is what I wanted at the time, a committed relationship. Even if you're not compatible with someone, it won't stop the heart from loving... Link to post Share on other sites
Coupedriver Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) If some of us were in LOVE that much,there's NO WAY they could forget.I think they try to convince themselves they are OVER US but I dont believe it for a minute.Maybe with time..but if you were that CONNECTED to someone,even time wont change a HEART..I dont care what anyone says.I have heard of others trying to DOWNPLAY it all but I can see by the way they write on here OR when I talk to someone about this problem. I think we try to forget but if its anything like some of you tell each other..no possible way.Oh,you can bury it somewhere,but it will pop back up,I dont care how TOUGH you think you are.The people who dumped us had a PROFOUND effect on all us..our WHOLE life,don't deny it.You cant erase it..you can try like HELL but for some un-known reason,they touched us in a way that no other person has. Be it 2 months or several years.That very effect will stay with us for a lifetime.I am sure there is some downplaying over it but in that back of your mind..( where we don't admit it..).If it was so easy to get over an ex then why? Be honest and ask yourself that question.I am honest when I can admit I will never get over her.I will try burying it, it might work ..but never really gone. Look at some of us who have been contacted by Ex's from our past...What was the very first thing some of us did..? FREAK out is what we did.!!! Some of us haven't been in contact for over years and still when they do contact us...look what happens..!!!??? Its some place buried DEEP with ourselves that makes the connection...to that VERY person.You can play nice and go out and date and try this or that,but there still back there.You cant have a person do what they have done and forget. I have heard it say.."Time heals all wounds.." Well from 3 counselors, some time doesn't.Ever hear a song by Evanescense..quote "This pain is just to real..There's just too much that time can not erase.. Edited October 13, 2011 by Coupedriver Link to post Share on other sites
Coupedriver Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I e-mailed my ex and told her "No more getting your mail here,you wanted me out of your life and told me to move on,so this is me moving on.."! Well I asked her several times....You told me you have NEVER been so happy in your whole life..if your SO HAPPY,why do you look so miserable everytime I see you.?????!?! I asked her this 4 times...she hasnt answered once.She had it pretty damn good here,not by any means PERFECT,but damn good. She asked me 3 weeks ago to just stop by the bakery and drop off her mail....I asked her..Why..? She knows..the face never lies...her heart is telling her something. Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I think if you can forget someone, then you never loved them in the first place. But there are other times when love is not enough to make it last forever and you always keep a place in your heart for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Coupedriver Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I think if you can forget someone, then you never loved them in the first place. But there are other times when love is not enough to make it last forever and you always keep a place in your heart for them. Thanks M2155..I was trying to think of a way to say..what YOU just said..!! EXCELLENT post.!! Link to post Share on other sites
unsure8891 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 To be honest, I haven't thought of my ex once since the break up. Yes, she ended things because I'm sure what she read on my phone convinced her to do so, but the relationship wasn't working out. When it ended I felt relieved that it was over, and I can't say that absence that has made me feel any fonder, in fact I've been happier without her then I was in the relationship. So in my opinion to your question, no. If a person wanted to feel fonder of you or your relationship they wouldn't leave you alone long enough to find someone else or to be found. If my ex got with someone else, good for her, but I don't care less anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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