jordjones Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 My story is in other posts. Went NC for a little over 2 months, and broke NC last week to let my ex know that I now understand where I went wrong - I didn't "get it" at the time of the breakup. She is still single, has indicated that she hasn't been with anybody else, BUT was clear over the weekend that she just wants to be friends... She has initiated a few conversations via phone and text. I've been playful and throwing out a lot of negs. I'm trying to give off the impression that I don't give a ****, because I feel that I must be a "challenge" to get her back. We will probably have a "lunch date" in the next week, so I now ask the LS forum - what are ways to come across as a "challenge?" Obviously some of the responses will be pessimistic, but women can be simple in what they respond to. I've read "Attraction Isn't a Choice" - my game has improved.
smudge21 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Can you give us a reminder of how and why the break up occured and who initiated it? I ask simply because it sounds like she may have moved on, not just physically but emotionally too. When this happens, no amount of "playing hard to get" will work as the ex isn't interested. Also, YOU broke NC and made the first moves, so it's not like she's had a change of heart and come to you. That said, you are still talking so there is always a chance - but don't be a dick about it. Don't play the challenge card too much. You basically want to remind her also of the good times and the reason you got together in the first place.
Author jordjones Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Sure. We were together for about a year (first 4 months in same area, 8 months cross-country long distance). In the end, she said that she "loved me, didn't feel the same way..." Distance was definitely a factor; so was my commitment phobia and general lack of emotional availability. She was also going through a lot at the time of the breakup - new job search, financial issues, and depression. She never said it was over for good, but said she "needed to be by herself and get herself happy..." I have since moved back, been working out, quit smoking pot, and have begun to apply to law/business school. She volunteered that she hasn't been with anybody else. Yeah, I think she has quite possibly moved on, but she is still single, and she wants to talk to me. I'm avoiding the "friend zone" at all costs, and in many respects, just want to see if it can be done. I always had the 'upper hand' with this chick, and feel that if I play my cards right, attraction can be reignited. With that said, I do love her.
smudge21 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 My view, is that when there's cheating or similar; then the love is still there but it's been forgotten or hidden away. So there is always a chance to reignite things. However, when the split occurs simply because the love has gone, then often that's it; it's over and nothing will bring it back. The feelings have simply faded rather then been forced into the background if you get me. It's hard to say in your case which this is. Just try to be the person you were when you first met rather then just simply focusing on playing games as that may backfire. You may think you're avoiding being friend zoned, but it happens all the time to so many of us.
Author jordjones Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Smudge, This could be its own thread, but in your opinion, are feelings that fade in long distance relationships different than feelings that fade in standard relationships? I mean, it's obviously easier to lose passion when the person is not physically there...So by that logic, shouldn't it be easier to reignite passion in my situation, ceteris paribus (I am back in the area)? This was my first LDR, and I have struggled with this aspect. This girl always had more intense feelings for me than I had for her. Then we went over four months without physically seeing each other. By the way, I came back in July and chased for about 10 days. Obviously came across as desperate, but we went on a couple of dates (this was after the breakup) and she was all over me on one of them - kissing me passionately, holding my hand, rubbing on me, etc. It has been difficult for me to believe that her feelings are completely gone, especially since she is still single.
Author jordjones Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 lol @ fats. Yeah, I've definitely read some PUA stuff, but the most influential work I've read since the breakup was "Attraction Isn't a Choice." I guess that I'm a believer that as long as the guy was decent and didn't cheat, the woman leaves a man only if a) she loses attraction and/or b) she has her eyes on another man. While I cannot be for certain, it doesn't seem that my ex went after another man. So loss of attraction seems to be to blame. How she lost attraction is complicated by the distance, where she didn't see me for 4+ months. But, during the last couple of months, I was working constantly, not going out, being less of a challenge...so I surmise that this plus the distance led her feelings to wane (amongst other factors I mentioned earlier). When I chased her over the summer, it was hot and cold - at times, I knew she was feeling it; at other times, she would go cold. It was very strange and kind of a mind ****. Regardless, I was being a big wussy at this point in time - definitely the least attractive I had ever been when physically around her. This is why I want the challenge of reigniting the spark. I've improved myself, got my confidence/mojo back. I've also slept with a few women since, so I know I have options - further boosting confidence. Fact remains, I can't shake this particular girl; I love her. So, I'm going to give it a shot. And for the good of LS, I'll post my results here. I know that I'm taking a risk and all. But hey, I'm in love - and this time the chase will be more calculated, less emotional = greater chance of success.
Author jordjones Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 @ Fats I get what you're saying. However, I think women in general, and this woman in particular, operate under the principle of wanting what they can't have. I think it would be counterproductive for me to be honest with her now about my feelings. And since women have an advanced radar for scoping out neediness, I feel I must do just a little acting in these initial meetings to enhance the likelihood of rebuilding attraction; it's not that I'm needy at the present, but I am head over heels in love, like I've never been before...I don't feel it is to my advantage to let her know this, at least not now. But you make good points about the need for me also being myself. Will definitely keep your perspective in mind.
ffw Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 My view, is that when there's cheating or similar; then the love is still there but it's been forgotten or hidden away. So there is always a chance to reignite things. However, when the split occurs simply because the love has gone, then often that's it; it's over and nothing will bring it back. The feelings have simply faded rather then been forced into the background if you get me. It's hard to say in your case which this is. Just try to be the person you were when you first met rather then just simply focusing on playing games as that may backfire. You may think you're avoiding being friend zoned, but it happens all the time to so many of us. In my view, cheating is a big red flag & theres no turning back or any possibilty of reunion. But if couple broke up with each other, because love is gone especially in the case of LDR like OP, I think there is still possibility. The point is they may have gone through relationships (rebound) & found lack of chemistry/intimacy like they used to have in their previous relationship then there is always a possibility of reunion. Ofcourse, the old relationship is gone but there is chance to start a new one.
Author jordjones Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 This thread has obviously not gone in the direction that I would have liked. Nevertheless, the question of whether or not faded feelings in an LDR is equivalent to faded feelings in a standard relationship is most interesting.
smudge21 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 My comments were more of a wider view rather than focused on your situation as it's hard to say what may occur given the facts you've supplied for us. You know this girl and therefore I'm hoping you're basing your actions on what you think may work in your favour. It would be wrong for us to say that would or would not work. I just think that given the reasons for the break up and the fact you came back to her, this whole playing hard to get thing, may not work very well... but I could be wrong. I think you're getting some good advice here, especially about just being yourself and not playing games. You want her back, she knows you do, so quite frankly, you're both playing games but maybe she's being more honest to you then you are to her. I'm not saying blast out your emotions to her, but if the opportunity arises, don't back away and make it clear you are still as interested as you always were. I totally agree with the whole people want what we THINK we can't have, it's what drives us in life to aim for more and keeps us moving on, but it's hard to have that mentality if the thing we want, we've already had. In this case, you two have already been there, done that. I wish I could give you some perfect advice that would definitely work, but that's never going to happen. I do hope that it does work out - as you say, she's still single and interested. Basically you have a flame, so you just need to slowly turn it into a nice warm fire... but not a big one that burns out fast, more a slow steady one that lasts a long time.
bdbmwer Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 in my opinion as others have indicated you contacting her first was a mistake since she dumped you. This indicates no change of heart from her especially since she said shed like to remain friends. This alone prevents you from being a challenge because she still knows youre wanting her. Second thing done wrong was letting her know you realised what went wrong. Women want a strong confident man and something like this is best said early on in the breakup. After 2 months, especially if YOU are initiating contact your best bet is completely ignoring the past and keeping conversations light, entertaining, and progressive without EVER bringing up the past unless she does.
Author jordjones Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 @ bdm I simply sent her an email that let her know that I get it now; at the time of the break, I felt like I was the victim, and didn't realize how my own actions drive her away. She broke nc twice during the period about various issues, but not to talk about us. Maybe my girl's switch has turned permanently cold towards me. If that is the case, I have myself to blame, in part. I had my chance with her and treated it with great negligence. If I am to be cast in the friend zone forever, it will be a touch of karma, because I took her for granted.
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