sweetypielovely Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Said a lot of mean things in a text to my ex. I was hurting so bad and now i feel horrible. I was married 11 years and he was a jerk who mentally abused me. I went to therapy for months after the divorce. I had to use my words to defend myself with my ex. Now that my BF and i had issues and broke up a week ago ive just been trying to get answers. I know....it didnt matter. But for me i needed that closure. He said he decided to remain friends but to me thats the kiss of death. I told him i didnt wanna have his friendship as a consolation prize and a lot of other heated things out of anger. He asked me why i said it and i told him i was mad. He said those words have pushed him away and made him not want to be with me anymore. Ive said im sorry a bunch but i feel bad. He doesnt live near me so im lost because he was my best friend and rock. I dont even see a light at the end of the tunnel because he was everything i wanted and needed. He wasnt perfect by any means but he wont even text back and i know i need to just let him be alone if thats what he truly wants. This just all seems surreal..... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Sweety, stop beating yourself up. Endings and breakups are never easy and they're never perfect. It's riddled with hurt, pain, confusion and anger. When you said those things, those were all normal reactions to the hurt that you were feeling. You cling and hold on to the remains of the R and in that desperation you say things, anything to get a reaction, to plead, to jab, to hurt because you're in denial. Both of you said hurtful things to each other. He was shifting blame on you stating that you have now pushed him away to alleviate and absolve his guilt of breaking up with you. Now he can say, "well, she gave me reason to go through with this because of her behavior." When all along, he had already broken up with you. So what a stupid thing to say that you've pushed him away after already breaking up with you. He already pushed you away. He will use anything to make you feel like the bad one. It was wrong of him to ask you to be friends. Mostly selfish. Please stop saying you are sorry to him. You said it once, if he had an ounce of brain and heart, he would understand the hurt you are going through and realize it was said because you are hurt and that you are losing him. Holding it against you, is manipulative on his part. Disengage and stop contacting him. You both are broken up. Going back and forth and reiterating the same thing over and over again is you gouging that wound over and over again. It's done, he's broken up wit you, you can't be friends...so let it go. It hurts. You're experiencing a terrible loss but there's no other way to get past it but to go through it. Come here and vent. Talk to your friends and family. It'll take some time but for now, one minute, hour, at a time. Edited October 13, 2011 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Im just so hurt because things were great till a week ago today. I dont trust men period. I trusted him. I was planning a future with him. Marriage was discussed. Its hard because it seems so easy for him to just say "f" you Im done and ignore me. He claims hes hurting too and that he isnt doing good. I guess me/the women he thought I have been has been shown she isnt perfect like he thought and that i can be like his ex that i said i never would be like. I know words hurt but he yelled at me on the phone a week ago. He made me cry. He was so hurtful and he was ignoring me all week. We always talked. So he can say mean crap but i cant? I said things in texts the last 2 days and gave him the opportunity to call me Tuesday night. If he had, things wouldnt have been heated or ugly. But he ignored me and claims he was gonna call. BS. I wanted a reaction from him. I did. Thats why i said the crap I said. I learned with my ex hubby to defend myself with words. I knew what i could say to hurt him and i got a reaction alright. I know i cant keep rehashing it but knowing i pushed him away kills me. I didnt want this. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I understand Sweety. But you have to realize that sometimes people make plans based on their feelings at that particular moment. It felt right for him to want to be married and having a future at that time. Days went by and he changed his mind and there people that do that. It's very fleeting in their mind. That certainty doesn't last a long time. Maybe he only said that because he felt that was what you wanted to hear. And people do that. Words are never a guarantee nor are they worthy promises to hold on to. You didn't push him away. He said that because he wants his guilt of breaking up with you alleviated so he transfers the need for him to break up on you. This way he justifies it in his brain that you drove him to it, when in reality, he was probably planning to break up with you for quiet some time. Don't let his words manipulate you. What did you not want? He broke up with you Sweety. Whether your words pushed him away or not, he ended it. If you are worried that your words may have destroyed all possibility of reconcilliation, then 1) if he really loved you, it would not matter and he would be smart enough and love you enough to put it in the past because you reacted out of hurt 2) if he came back, you need to really ask yourself if you want to be with someone who can drop you, manipulate and disrespect you this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I know. He wasnt gonna break up with me though. The way i feel is that he isnt gonna use the i did everything wrong excuse on me because if he hadnt canceled our last 2 dates last week because of work none of this would be happening. I had every right to be mad he made me feel unimportant even if it wasnt intentional. I hadnt seen him in 3 weeks because we usually waited till the weekends because he worked late week days and i was an hour away.One weekend I was sick and then the last one he had a family reunion and one his kids were sick and i didnt wanna get it. he made me feel bad i wanted attention kinda like a "how dare you be pissed when my job comes first". I told him from day one i needed to see him once a week in order for this to work for me. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 If your needs aren't being met in an R, and you're constantly forcing for it to be met, that's a ticking time bomb. If you both stayed together, the terms of the R would still be the same. You'd still be jumping on him for time. It's hard enough to make an R work when there's distance and time contraints, but the added pressure of expectations and not being able to deliver will cause so much more issues. How do you believe you can build on an R when you don't see each other that often and even struggling for a once a week visit? You want more, he can't deliver, you get resentful and he gets resentful and before you know it, one can't take the pressure anymore. And he could not satisfy your needs. Once a week is not asking for much, too little I would think. You want to be in an R where someone makes time for, wants to see, plans things with you. 3 weeks of no contact...an hour drive is not that far. Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Listen to Geegirl's advice. It's perfectly ok to feel how you are feeling. Your reality has been shattered! All the things you thought, expected and hoped are suddenly differently and you don't understand how that happened, it's frustrating because you want to make sense of it all. It will take a while to realize what is going on and that it is not really your fault or something you could have controlled. Unfortunately we can't see inside the other person's head to understand what they are really thinking. Accept that he broke up with you, regardless of why he chose to do so, he made a choice and you deserve someone who wouldn't make that choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Im just venting. I cant imagine not seeing him but in the realm of the real world 5 months isnt a long time. But being that we talked daily and just clicked... He hasnt really dated since his divorce about 1.5 years ago. I was the first one. Nobody else was around his kids but me. No other woman. One time we went on a date to mcdonalds for his kids sake and he barely spoke to me. I was so mad when he left and went home i asked him why and he said that he didnt know how to act with his kids around. I made sure he knew if he was gonna be with me he hd to lighten up around them if we were gonna be together. One time we went to Chuckie Cheese with his kids again and at dinner afterwards his daughters like..."awe yall are in love". Hell she could tell and shes 6. Im just so mad hes reacting badly to me over reacting. He kept saying " I miss you" but he never made time. I was working on moving in over there in the next few weeks after we got internet and stuff settled. Edited October 13, 2011 by sweetypielovely Link to post Share on other sites
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