dealing with a teenager?

[BBrother]

I'm not exactly a parent, but a situation occured & now I have to raise my baby sister, she's 15 & I'm 22 (I'm her brother).

 

Anyway, I've been googling for hours things like "raising teenage sister" or "dealing with teenage sister", but nothing useful came out.

 

She's been with me for almost two weeks, & I never realized how difficult I was to my parents 'till now, everything starts in the morning, I wait for her in my car for half an hour (to take her to school), only to go back in & see her watching tv or talking on the phone, & so far my costs have tripled over the past week.

 

Things that happened over the past week:

- I had to go to school twice (school trouble).

- I had to pick her up from four different places so far.

- I dumped my gf.

- I realized she's not a baby anymore & calling her pet names became awkward, she doesn't like sitting on my lap too, which I don't like now anyway, she's too grown up for that.

- decided not to have kids ever.

- missed the days when I was just her big brother, my only job was entertainment & threatening every guy that comes close to her.

 

Any advice from experienced parents?

[Eve]

Man, I feel for you! 15 year old girls are not easy!

 

I would put in place a support network for her at school and make sure she gets linked in with activities.. and just be a brother to her.

 

At it's base, you are going to need to lay down some basic house rules, with consequences for non participation.

 

... but try not to see yourself as a parent because you are not her parent. She may rebel even more if you do that. She may rebel anyway. A wise person told me once that teens don't even need a reason to rebel. I think he was right!

 

There are differing views on how far you should go with being a taxi service etc. Some let teens deal with their own travel. I accepted being a taxi service mainly because we live rurally. I think it is a balance between wanting the best for them and knowing when you are being taken for granted. At times of being taken for granted I just voiced it but took the stance that adults must be adults, no matter how obnoxious teens can be. It is really important to keep a cool head.

 

Talk to your sis and make sure that you are not in this thing alone. No matter what your intentions are, you need help with this. See how school can help.

 

If this is a long term move, I hope that your parents are still in the picture as they need to step up. If there are behavioural concerns, realistic decisions need to be made regarding things such as risk of pregnancy, peer influence, educational outcomes etc.

 

You sound like you need some time to do your own thing too! What with splitting up with your girlfriend etc. Was that in connection to your sis living with you?

 

Anyhow, I hope even one thing said is helpful to you. You certainly are brave!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[bigmomma1974]

Teenagers Blah! I have 3 teenagers. Fun FUn... You need to sit her down and lay out the guidelines of the house. Set rules and bounderies. Age apprpriate. Not sure why she is living with you but she may need to see a counsler depending on the reasons. Explain to her school is a must and she will go ever day and if there are problems at school, there will be a price to pay. Give her a curfew. Tell her homework is to be done ever night. As for picking her up from places, thats part of having a teenager. If there are bus's she can take get her a bus pass. I know this is a hard adjustment on both of you and it will take time. Try to be understanding but make she she is safe. Good luck!

[BBrother]

Man, I feel for you! 15 year old girls are not easy!

 

I would put in place a support network for her at school and make sure she gets linked in with activities.. and just be a brother to her.

 

At it's base, you are going to need to lay down some basic house rules, with consequences for non participation.

 

At home, she's an angel, she does nothing wrong (except for watching 6 consecutive soaps, I don't get to watch tv anymore), she cleans the apartment & does my laundry everyday, I don't have to do any house work anymore, so house rules aren't necesarry.

 

... but try not to see yourself as a parent because you are not her parent. She may rebel even more if you do that. She may rebel anyway. A wise person told me once that teens don't even need a reason to rebel. I think he was right!

 

I haven't changed my behavior into a parent, I'm still acting as a brother, I was thinking of acting more like a parent if that would work, I guess I should stay as a brother.

 

There are differing views on how far you should go with being a taxi service etc. Some let teens deal with their own travel. I accepted being a taxi service mainly because we live rurally. I think it is a balance between wanting the best for them and knowing when you are being taken for granted. At times of being taken for granted I just voiced it but took the stance that adults must be adults, no matter how obnoxious teens can be. It is really important to keep a cool head.

 

When she leaves school she goes to one of her friends' house, I have to fish for her after leaving work, & if I'm on a night shift, sleeping isn't an option, she has post-school activities everywhere, & there isn't enough time in-between so I could get some rest.

 

If this is a long term move, I hope that your parents are still in the picture as they need to step up. If there are behavioural concerns, realistic decisions need to be made regarding things such as risk of pregnancy, peer influence, educational outcomes etc.

 

Talking about my parents, my dad still hasn't modified his child support payments, he still pays for three children (me, my 20 year old sister, & my baby sister), when my mom asked him to modify it years ago, he told her she could use the extra money for my baby sister.

 

My sister has access to the account that the child support money transfers to, so I told her she should save it up for college or something.

 

And about pregnancy & sex, I don't know how the hell am I supposed to bring that up, two weeks ago she was still my 8 year old baby sister, so its hard for me as it is.

 

You sound like you need some time to do your own thing too! What with splitting up with your girlfriend etc. Was that in connection to your sis living with you?

 

Yes, my gf was very jealous of the time I spent with my sister, I realized that I don't want a woman that won't be supportive of me in a time of crisis.

[BBrother]

Teenagers Blah! I have 3 teenagers. Fun FUn... You need to sit her down and lay out the guidelines of the house. Set rules and bounderies. Age apprpriate. Not sure why she is living with you but she may need to see a counsler depending on the reasons. Explain to her school is a must and she will go ever day and if there are problems at school, there will be a price to pay. Give her a curfew. Tell her homework is to be done ever night. As for picking her up from places, thats part of having a teenager. If there are bus's she can take get her a bus pass. I know this is a hard adjustment on both of you and it will take time. Try to be understanding but make she she is safe. Good luck!

 

She's an honors student, so I don't need to tell her to do her homework or anything like that, her troubles are more like BBMing in class, & her very opinionated behavior towards the teachers.

 

I'm very proud that she's good at school & she's not following her sister's path where she relies on her looks to go through life, my middle sister has always been a headache, she dates losers & then I have to clean up her mess every single time, I'm beginning to have a phobia where I'm scared that my baby sister would turn out like her.

[Linda9999]

I've got a 17 yo daughter and two older sons so I feel your pain!!

 

It sounds like she is a great kid! Make sure she knows that you think so. Catch her being a good kid and compliment her on what she does right. A ton of rules doesn't sound like what she needs. My daughter educated herself through high school, hasn't had a curfew for years, and is an awesome kid. She's never needed a ton of rules. She also home schooled, so using her phone in class and not getting out the door in time in the morning were never issues.

 

There's nothing wrong with being opinionated - the trick is to know where and when to express one's opinions. Teenagers are wonderful creatures, mostly what they need is guidance and being allowed to make their own mistakes in an environment where they will learn from them and not just be punished.

[KathyM]

I'm not exactly a parent, but a situation occured & now I have to raise my baby sister, she's 15 & I'm 22 (I'm her brother).

 

Anyway, I've been googling for hours things like "raising teenage sister" or "dealing with teenage sister", but nothing useful came out.

 

She's been with me for almost two weeks, & I never realized how difficult I was to my parents 'till now, everything starts in the morning, I wait for her in my car for half an hour (to take her to school), only to go back in & see her watching tv or talking on the phone, & so far my costs have tripled over the past week.

 

Things that happened over the past week:

- I had to go to school twice (school trouble).

- I had to pick her up from four different places so far.

- I dumped my gf.

- I realized she's not a baby anymore & calling her pet names became awkward, she doesn't like sitting on my lap too, which I don't like now anyway, she's too grown up for that.

- decided not to have kids ever.

- missed the days when I was just her big brother, my only job was entertainment & threatening every guy that comes close to her.

 

Any advice from experienced parents?

That's an awfully big burden for a guy your age. Teenagers are difficult for even the best, most mature, parents to handle. I had my hands full when my boys were teenagers. I just got out of that stage with two of them. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do was parent a teenager. (Sorry if this isn't consoling to you.) You have the added burden that your sister sees you as her slightly older brother, and not as a parental figure or a person who would have authority over her. You both must have gone through some traumatic times if you are now having sole responsibility to take care of her. You may want to take a class in Tough Love. You're going to have to set some firm rules for her and consequences for when she doesn't follow the rules. You do have power, since you are providing the housing and support for her. You may need to let her know that she is there at your option, and if she doesn't follow your rules, you may have to find other living arrangements for her. You may want to enlist the help of a trusted female relative to visit her and mentor her. Don't let this experience to jade you on becoming a parent, though. You don't see the positives because you are so young, but once you have your own children, you will.

[Eve]

BBrother - I am beyond impressed with your attitude and your sis sounds equally as fab as you!

 

With regard to how to lead on this, maybe you could initiate having a time set aside each week where you have a meeting about how things are going? Say a Thursday evening or something. You could both then chat about everything that's gone on during the week and maybe decide things such as priority items on the shopping list etc. This would be a good time to provide praise for the things that she does well and be a platform for her to raise any concerns that she has. You too.

 

Mostly 15 year old girls want someone to talk about the 'he said, she said' stuff that goes on within their days. This could be a way to discuss things which have gone on in school in a way which is structured. The art is to use humour but to be direct with regard to times where you have been inconvenienced .. but remain open.

 

As I said, you both sound like GREAT young people and I hope that your parents are proud of you both.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

P.s. Maybe your gf will settle herself down and rethink how she was behaving in time?

[BBrother]

I've got a 17 yo daughter and two older sons so I feel your pain!!

 

It sounds like she is a great kid! Make sure she knows that you think so. Catch her being a good kid and compliment her on what she does right. A ton of rules doesn't sound like what she needs. My daughter educated herself through high school, hasn't had a curfew for years, and is an awesome kid. She's never needed a ton of rules. She also home schooled, so using her phone in class and not getting out the door in time in the morning were never issues.

 

She is a great kid, but that still scares me, she's basically the female version of me, we have the exact same taste & interests on almost everything (after all, I was her baby sitter most of her life), I was an honors student when I was her age too, but my parents' divorce got to me & my grades started to slip, I went from a kid with a promising future to a college drop out, while the other sister turned into (I hate to say that about my sister) a slut, while my baby sister wasn't old enough when my parents divorced & I don't think it affected her like it did me & the middle sister, I still don't want her to end up like me OR her sister, so seeing her talk like me or having the exact same interests scares me.

 

There's nothing wrong with being opinionated - the trick is to know where and when to express one's opinions. Teenagers are wonderful creatures, mostly what they need is guidance and being allowed to make their own mistakes in an environment where they will learn from them and not just be punished.

 

She is very opinionated, whenever one of her teachers expresses an opinion that she doesn't agree with (especially politics), she goes off, the teachers seem to like her for her good grades but they hate her mouth.

[BBrother]

That's an awfully big burden for a guy your age. Teenagers are difficult for even the best, most mature, parents to handle. I had my hands full when my boys were teenagers. I just got out of that stage with two of them. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do was parent a teenager. (Sorry if this isn't consoling to you.) You have the added burden that your sister sees you as her slightly older brother, and not as a parental figure or a person who would have authority over her. You both must have gone through some traumatic times if you are now having sole responsibility to take care of her. You may want to take a class in Tough Love. You're going to have to set some firm rules for her and consequences for when she doesn't follow the rules. You do have power, since you are providing the housing and support for her. You may need to let her know that she is there at your option, and if she doesn't follow your rules, you may have to find other living arrangements for her. You may want to enlist the help of a trusted female relative to visit her and mentor her. Don't let this experience to jade you on becoming a parent, though. You don't see the positives because you are so young, but once you have your own children, you will.

 

I actually like being just a brother & not a parental figure, we get along great, I don't think that would be the case if I was an authority figure, I just don't have any power over her, & any advice I give looks trivial to her since she sees me more as a friend & not a wise father's opinion.

[BBrother]

BBrother - I am beyond impressed with your attitude and your sis sounds equally as fab as you!

 

With regard to how to lead on this, maybe you could initiate having a time set aside each week where you have a meeting about how things are going? Say a Thursday evening or something. You could both then chat about everything that's gone on during the week and maybe decide things such as priority items on the shopping list etc. This would be a good time to provide praise for the things that she does well and be a platform for her to raise any concerns that she has. You too.

 

She talks about anything that goes on in her mind anyway, so I don't think a scheduled time would make a difference.

 

Mostly 15 year old girls want someone to talk about the 'he said, she said' stuff that goes on within their days. This could be a way to discuss things which have gone on in school in a way which is structured. The art is to use humour but to be direct with regard to times where you have been inconvenienced .. but remain open.

 

She's not a typical teenager so she doesn't really wanna talk about "he said, she said" stuff, she can have a deep conversation like any adult could, thankfully she's still scared of the bug I just killed, so I know how to use humor to let her open up.

 

P.s. Maybe your gf will settle herself down and rethink how she was behaving in time?

 

She did say some very hurtful things, & the more she talked the more I thought that we have totally different views on this, she thinks a man should basically divorce his family once he has a girlfriend, & that taking care of my sister is not my obligation, yes its not my obligation but I'm gonna do it anyway, then she started dropping hints like "who's the most important woman in your life?", such questions became painfully obvious, then she started giving me weird looks every time I had to do something for/with my sister, in the end, I just realized that I don't want someone to criminilize my behavior.

 

Yes I do miss her, but her behavior towards this made me look at her in a totally different light.

[Tayla]

If it helps any most courts would consider you a Guardian, Which gives you certain legal rights, apart from that you are the "elder" brother and thus capable of riding the responsibility line without the ogre mentality perceived by teens towards parents.

 

Sounds like you have more blessings then concerns. Glad you can be open about that here.

 

My son and his wife are teachers and they absolutely adore a student who challenges "opinions" in a methodical way, with forethought and debatability. Can it be she has that skill to question and thinks ahead then expound upon her side? Or are these narrow minded not well thought out rebellious thoughts? Huge difference when its presented to the Teacher....

 

She will need a female figure to guide her into womenhood.....Be it thru Gym, Sports, or after school activities.

 

As another poster stated, she may need some counseling to adjust her thru this transistion of lifestyle. Living with a sibling is an adjustment for anyone.....You both are learning...and working thru things...and that is the main thing...to keep an even keel of things....

[BBrother]

If it helps any most courts would consider you a Guardian, Which gives you certain legal rights, apart from that you are the "elder" brother and thus capable of riding the responsibility line without the ogre mentality perceived by teens towards parents.

 

I don't need any legal power, & that would create unnecessary drama.

 

 

My son and his wife are teachers and they absolutely adore a student who challenges "opinions" in a methodical way, with forethought and debatability. Can it be she has that skill to question and thinks ahead then expound upon her side? Or are these narrow minded not well thought out rebellious thoughts? Huge difference when its presented to the Teacher....

 

They basically don't like her opinions, they think she's too liberal, or that she's too young to talk about politics, I decided not to take the issue any further & told them I'll talk to her, I don't need to pick fights with her teachers, I don't want her to feel like having a different opinion is wrong, but I want her to learn that sometimes the best thing to do is take the higher road.

 

She will need a female figure to guide her into womenhood.....Be it thru Gym, Sports, or after school activities.

 

There's nobody other than her sister, which I don't want her to be her role model, she dates losers, when they break her heart she wants me stop the fall every single time, & then she uses her looks to sail through life, she finds quick dates to buy her food or drinks, dresses like a slut for job interviews (works every time), in the end she falls for the losers, doesn't listen to me when I give her any advice, then she calls me a week later crying how she hates her life, how she would change, & stupid me I go berserk & fall for it every single time.

 

That's not a good role model.

 

As another poster stated, she may need some counseling to adjust her thru this transistion of lifestyle. Living with a sibling is an adjustment for anyone.....You both are learning...and working thru things...and that is the main thing...to keep an even keel of things....

 

She seems to have adjusted quite well, I was her baby sitter throughout her whole life, when she was a little girl she came to hold my hands when she was upset, she wanted to play video games with me when she was bored, & she came to me when she needed school help, after I moved out we became less close, but we aren't distant siblings & she doesn't need a lot to adjust, it seems like I'm the one that needs to adjust, I seem to find myself scared every time I need to make a decision, & then obsess about that decision in bed, wondering if I made the right decision.

[Tayla]

To each their own.

Sounds like you just need to be listened to.

No legal support to make you her guardian...How is her healthcare insurance covered? How will you intercede should a legal matter arise?

[Eddie Edirol]

BBrother, when it comes to talking to her about pregnancies and sex, this site will be your best resource as how you can advise her with how she can handle and interpret boys behaviors.

 

Read around in the breakup and dating forums, and you will see whats happening. As smart as she is, she might still be like many people who cant think straight when they are infatuated with someone. She will probably respect your advise if it makes sense, mixed with your own experience.

 

As long as you explain to her how 15 year old boys are, and how they will most likely bug her for sex, you will keep her from letting herself get knocked up.

[BBrother]

To each their own.

Sounds like you just need to be listened to.

No legal support to make you her guardian...How is her healthcare insurance covered? How will you intercede should a legal matter arise?

 

My father's employers cover her health insurance.

 

& if a legal matter should arise, we'll deal with it.

[BBrother]

BBrother, when it comes to talking to her about pregnancies and sex, this site will be your best resource as how you can advise her with how she can handle and interpret boys behaviors.

 

Read around in the breakup and dating forums, and you will see whats happening. As smart as she is, she might still be like many people who cant think straight when they are infatuated with someone. She will probably respect your advise if it makes sense, mixed with your own experience.

 

As long as you explain to her how 15 year old boys are, and how they will most likely bug her for sex, you will keep her from letting herself get knocked up.

 

This is the hardest part, with my other sister it was very easy, we were close in age & I never looked at her as a kid, but its different with my baby sister, I remember feeling her kick when she was in the womb, I remember her first words, so its hard for me to look at her any differently, so in my head, she's still not capable of sex or anything like that, which would make the whole conversation very awkward & uncomfortable.

[AHardDaysNight]

BBrother, when it comes to talking to her about pregnancies and sex, this site will be your best resource as how you can advise her with how she can handle and interpret boys behaviors.

 

Read around in the breakup and dating forums, and you will see whats happening. As smart as she is, she might still be like many people who cant think straight when they are infatuated with someone. She will probably respect your advise if it makes sense, mixed with your own experience.

 

As long as you explain to her how 15 year old boys are, and how they will most likely bug her for sex, you will keep her from letting herself get knocked up.

 

This is very good advice, OP.

[Zyza]

Being a "parent" is not easy because you don't only think about your self anymore, unlike when you were still single (heheh.. parent-of-your-sister.. ).

Mind you that the hardest phase in a persons life has to be the teenage years coz of puberty, peer pressure and external environment and by that I mean vises. That's is why its is very very (did i mention very?) important that your sister will be surrounded with people who might be a good influence to her. How? Simple, during summer time you let her join summer youth camps or volunteering work in the community. Its one way of letting her know that she should not taking things for granted by showing to her that life isn't easy. Showing her the education and discipline are the key to have a good life in the future. I'll tell you when she does those things, she will realize that responsibility towards her action is important.

Edited October 18, 2011 by Zyza

[BBrother]

Being a "parent" is not easy because you don't only think about your self anymore, unlike when you were still single (heheh.. parent-of-your-sister.. ).

Mind you that the hardest phase in a persons life has to be the teenage years coz of puberty, peer pressure and external environment and by that I mean vises. That's is why its is very very (did i mention very?) important that your sister will be surrounded with people who might be a good influence to her. How? Simple, during summer time you let her join summer youth camps or volunteering work in the community. Its one way of letting her know that she should not taking things for granted by showing to her that life isn't easy. Showing her the education and discipline are the key to have a good life in the future. I'll tell you when she does those things, she will realize that responsibility towards her action is important.

 

I don't think summer camps are a good idea, I don't think those camps are safe, I was thinking more of a summer school or something.

 

Anyway, I think the "teenage years are the hardest in a person's life" thing is very much overstated, when I was in high school those were the best years of my life, there was nothing hard about being a teenager, believe me, I'd love to be a teenager again.

[turnera]

She is very opinionated, whenever one of her teachers expresses an opinion that she doesn't agree with (especially politics), she goes off, the teachers seem to like her for her good grades but they hate her mouth.

This is an area where you can help her see that the real world wants people to think, BUT they also want them to work within the confines of rules. Help her think through situations in which she may decide to give her opinion when it's not warranted - like in a job, or to a cop - and she could suffer consequences like losing a job or getting put in jail. Help her see that, yes, you should be full of life, but you should use your power for good, you know? Be smart about it (which you know she is, just needs to see where and how to use it).

 

IMO, what she needs more than anything right now is talking. Talk to her as much as you can - about anything and everything. Grease the wheels. Become the safe place for her to say anything.

 

When I was raising my DD21, I told her that, while I may have to give her consequences for HER choice to break rules, and I may disapprove of choices she makes, I would never judge HER. I would always love her unconditionally. She didn't really believe me, and tested me a few times, but I remained adamant - I never judged her. I became that safe place. Her dad, on the other hand, is always judging her. Guess what she tells him? Nothing. Guess who she goes to when she is in trouble? Me.

 

Talking, safety, nonjudgmental - that's what you need.

 

You also, after a while, should find out if she has a doctor or gynecologist, and make sure she's going. You do NOT want her getting pregnant.

 

Oh, and there's a really great website called www.daughters.com that is just amazing for raising girls. It was started by a divorced dad, and it covers just about every issue under the sun. I would use their newsletters (nowadays it's online) to sit down and talk things over with my daughter - we would talk about things she didn't want to bring up, but seeing it in print let us talk about them, so she got more answers on how to deal with things like bullying or sex or peer pressure or school. I can't praise it enough and I think that, as a new 'father' it will help you deal with a lot of things.

[turnera]

Do you guys go to church? If not, maybe the two of you could research types of religions and try them out together and find a good fit. It can become a place that gives her some extra guidance and reassurance, as the next few years will be trying for her. Plus it may give her another place to make friends who are less likely to turn out to be the wrong crowd.

 

If she likes to question things, I suggest the Unitarian Universalist Church (http://www.uua.org/). I've never been, but I remember my mom telling me that they are VERY free thinkers, that they encourage free thinking and questioning everything. It might give her an outlet for all that opinionatedness.

[BBrother]

Do you guys go to church? If not, maybe the two of you could research types of religions and try them out together and find a good fit. It can become a place that gives her some extra guidance and reassurance, as the next few years will be trying for her. Plus it may give her another place to make friends who are less likely to turn out to be the wrong crowd.

 

If she likes to question things, I suggest the Unitarian Universalist Church (http://www.uua.org/). I've never been, but I remember my mom telling me that they are VERY free thinkers, that they encourage free thinking and questioning everything. It might give her an outlet for all that opinionatedness.

 

Well, we're atheists (just me & my siblings), our parents don't know, & its starting to become a problem recently, my middle sister will probably be the scapegoat if my parents find out (she was always the scapegoat).

[turnera]

How can you help your sister protect herself from playing the scapegoat role?