i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Me and My Ex broke up In a very common yet strange way. Im sorry if this post reads strangely (more stream of consciousness than a planned post) We were together for a long time. And I believe she hit the classic Gigs wall. We are both quite young. Ill spare you the bulk of the details; Here is the scenario. We went through a rough patch, she left, I took it horribly at first. I have been lurking through LS for 10 months getting some strength from here and my new friends in my life. I believe that after I initiated NC there has been a noticeable change in my thinking. I have broken it numerous times however, only in response to her though. I have grown to be a much happier person. My life is on the right track. Although recently, she said she wanted me back........ (UH OH)!!!!! This isn't the first time either. This is what is running through my head. 1. I am happier now than when we broke up 2. There is possibly someone out there better for me. 3. I have been content, But lonely and miserable for a year now 4. she came to me asking to get back together, the second she finds another guy ****ed her over. 5. I know that I still love her. 6. I've never stopped for a second. 7. I believe She subconsciously sees me as weak, always running back to her when she snaps her fingers. But In my mind, Im just waiting with open arms, giving us both distance. 8. She will probably hurt me again. 9. I dont have to say yes. 10. She does seem genuine. 11. We are both perfect for each other. Except Im sure there are many the same. 12. I have made an effort to find others, I've slept with others, met many others, but nothing else compares. 13. How much time is too much time. The best years of my life are now, and I want to spend it with her, And Im sure she is much the same, from the break up we still have our guards up. But we both know we are lonely without each other. (Not unhappy, but with a crowd of friends or a lover rather than a companion) 14. Im leaning towards no. But Im sure I will abandon my logic when the time comes. 15. We have broken contact so many times, Although for the last few months I have been on my best behaviour and complete NC However for the last few weeks, she has been calling and texting me none stop...30 times a night ? too much. And she has reached the point Ive heard of. where it is not breadcrumbs, but a complete apology and she said that she made a huge mistake, we have both grown so much and that she only ever feels herself with me. Hmm Im sorry, this is a very large and unstructured post: I love her. Should I take her back ? I believe that the fact she runs back to me after she is ****ed over by another guy is a reason I should say no. But I told her that, I said "You are hurt and not thinking clear" She seemed to be thinking very clear, and trying to contact me non stop weeks before that happened. .... im confused.
leoc1973 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Hey I guess the question is if the other guy didn't screw her over would she have come back? I know you love her but you are plan B aren't you? Can you live with the fact that she really would rather be with someone else? What is she going to be thinking of him while she is sleeping with you?
brazilian Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 the same thing happened to me... although in my case he was not dumped by any other girl...he had gone on a few dates but nothing serious, he started asking me back 3 months after the break up but I was seeing someone else (rebound). he insisted for months, and he also sounded very genuine... i gave in after 7 months, broke up with my rebound and got back together with him he was a prince for 6 months and then broke up with me again sounded like a relapsed GIGs for your own sake, move on since you said you are very young, if she insists for two years, then you can reconsider good luck
Author i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 To leoc: That is my main concern, She rang me many times MANY MANY MANY times, before that happened. And I know she is living in a fairytale were she wanted to get away, but always pictures me in the long run. I will never be plan be, Ive made that very obvious to her in saying no to her numerous times. To Brazilian: Was it worth is, for the chance? its been a year, why does two years make it more appropriate. To all, Im leaning towards no. But I feel that to do so would be to neglect almost every conflicted thought about her for the last year. I will take her back when I believe she is ready. She is absolutely ready to come back, but for how long.
Author i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) I talk to much. I should either say no, And regret it for the longest time. Or say yes, and more than likely end up hurt again. Edited October 13, 2011 by i23
leoc1973 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 See that is the problem in situations like this. you take her back and she knows she can get away with it again. you don't and you don't have her. How secure are you? Can you forget what happened and start over or are you the type to ask her a million questions and drive her crazy and make her feel smothered?
Author i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I am very secure with myself. And I am well aware that she left me only to see whats out there. I have forgiven her for the breakup, In fact I'm thankful for it. We were tired towards the end of it, simply because we had been together since such a young crazy age, We both wanted to try new things. She simply had the strength to break it off. I am comfortable with her having been with other people, because they don't stand up to me apparently, and I cant be a hypocrite; I've been with others since. I have made it clear that I can never be her 'friend', that the goals in my life are to be shared with someone, the someone cannot be the only goal. And that I will not be second best. The sincerity that I got from her when I spoke to her, was on another level, She was well aware of the stupid mental games we had each been playing, and that she wasn't here to **** with my head this time. She is speaking to me on such a mature level I thought would take alot longer for her to reach. I am still leaning towards no, but I may regret the chance.
leoc1973 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Yeah you better take the chance or you will never forgive yourself! You will regret it for a long long time especially if you go on forever not finding anyone that stacks up to her. Take the chance! what do you have to lose. your heart is still semi broken anyways so what could it hurt. Just go for it!
antz2411 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 if she has slept with another guy that sucks. you are and always be just a fall back plan for her. if you want to be in that category then go take her back. if you actually grow a pair then you would see what i see and thats to move on and find love thats not tainted.
Author i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Spoke to her, Let her know my concerns. She promised me she was not leading me on. And wanted to see if things would feel right. Possibly a huge mistake. But Ill be consumed by regret if I don't. If this doesn't work, Im not going to be strung along. If this fails, I'm going to disappear from her life forever.
The_Good_Me Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Her coming back to you is going to be one of two things. Scenario 1: This guy has ****ed her over and now shes hurting. She needs medicine to get better and you're her medicine. When shes better, the medicine will be put away. Basically she'll be using you as an emotional crutch making you a rebound... and we know they rarely last! Scenario 2: This guy has ****ed her over and it's made her realise that she wants to be with the nice guy... you! Now this is more promising for a lasting successful reconciliation but the chances of that seem to lessen if you take them back straight away. You still need to be a challenge for her and by not taking her back straight away will show her that you are one. If she has really decided that you are the one for her, she will fight for you and you should allow her to do so. The best way to handle either of these scenario's is to not take her back (not yet anyway). If she gives up trying to get you back quickly then it's likely it was scenario 1 and not taking her back was the right thing to do. Time to move onto a girl that respects you! If she keeps trying for a long period and says all the right things, then ease back into it. Just start dating again and don't rush things. You'll end up being a challenge as she won't have access to you at all times whenever she needs you and that is what she'll be working to getting. At the same time you'll be taking her out to let her know you're interested but showing you're not a pushover! you're a man! That's my take on it anyway.
Author i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 The good me. Sound advice. I think I will take that.
Author i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 The good me. Sound advice. I think I will take that. Hard to phrase to her now though
Author i23 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Ill tell her in person. This is not the right time. I say this because it simply isn't the right time. Still I wonder. How long must I wait.
The_Good_Me Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 The timing of things like this is usually quite delicate and I doubt anyone knows the right or wrong answer to it as it'll depend heavily on the people involved. A lot of it will come from feeling when the time is right and I think you'll only get that when you eventually start dating again if it even gets that far. For now it sounds like you're doing the right thing by telling her it's not the right time. The way you put it is quite clever as it tells her very simply that there is hope (which gives her reason to drive forwards in trying to get you back) but you're not giving in to her yet. If she wants you, she will now start to work on getting you back and that puts you in the drivers seat. From here you can decide if she's trying hard enough to get you back and if you feel she is then you can suggest going on a date and see how that goes. From there more dates may come and then you can feel when the time is right to become more official. If she doesn't try hard then you can initiate NC and move onto the healing phase. Good luck mate & stay strong
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