maysj18 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I've been hanging with this guy for a few weeks. At first, we texted throughout the day. The more we hang out, though, he has seemed to back off and we'll go a day or two without talking. It's weird. When we do talk, he always invites me to do things and he even spent the night the other night without me asking. I don't think I'm a booty call, because he never tries anything with me. He's mentioned to me before that he doesn't text a lot, so do you think now that we're closer he doesn't feel like he has to talk to me every day or is this a bad sign? I'm just so different when it comes to talking. I always have my phone on me, so maybe I'm just over thinking it. I just feel like if he genuinely was interested in me, he would want to talk to me more often? This lack of communication also makes me nervous to text him if we haven't talked in awhile. What should I do? It's waaaaaay too early for me to "talk" to him about it.
Nexus One Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 It's waaaaaay too early for me to "talk" to him about it. I've kind of followed your threads regarding this guy and to be honest I already think he knows you like him "in that way". What makes you think he doesn't? You guys cuddled, did you not? I don't know about you, but I don't cuddle with my friends. I think the cat is kind of out of the bag already May.
Fondue Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I absolutely hate constant communication (i.e., texts/calls/emails/carrier-pidgeon). Maybe he is the same way. It's odd, really. Many women (at least the ones I met) prefer consistent communication and chatter. From most anyone, really. Friends, family, etc. Just need to talk. Many men are completely the opposite. Most of us, and me especially, are in the mode of: "don't bother me unless you need something." Give him some space, let him reach out to you when he's ready to do it. It may not be a bad idea to reach out to him, but do not expect immediate reply, long conversation, or whatever else. I don't like it when women misunderstand "little" amount of communication for lack of interest. It isn't usually like this.
Author maysj18 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I've kind of followed your threads regarding this guy and to be honest I already think he knows you like him "in that way". What makes you think he doesn't? You guys cuddled, did you not? I don't know about you, but I don't cuddle with my friends. I think the cat is kind of out of the bag already May. Well yeah, I understand. I just feel like in this point in time I need to go with the flow rather than show that I'm getting worked up. I feel like talking about this before anything has been established would scare him away.
snug.bunny Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Maybe because you are spending a lot of time together in person, there is less daily talk/communication.
Author maysj18 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I absolutely hate constant communication (i.e., texts/calls/emails/carrier-pidgeon). Maybe he is the same way. It's odd, really. Many women (at least the ones I met) prefer consistent communication and chatter. From most anyone, really. Friends, family, etc. Just need to talk. Many men are completely the opposite. Most of us, and me especially, are in the mode of: "don't bother me unless you need something." Give him some space, let him reach out to you when he's ready to do it. It may not be a bad idea to reach out to him, but do not expect immediate reply, long conversation, or whatever else. I don't like it when women misunderstand "little" amount of communication for lack of interest. It isn't usually like this. Whew, that makes me feel better. It's not like I want to talk all day, but it'd be nice to catch up for a few minutes each night or something. Again, the way I assess a situation like this is i think what would be going through my mind if the tables were turned. If I dont talk to you, chances are I'm not that interested.
norajane Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Again, the way I assess a situation like this is i think what would be going through my mind if the tables were turned. If I dont talk to you, chances are I'm not that interested. You're projecting your views onto him. He won't necessarily think the same way you do or see things the same way you do. he even spent the night the other night without me asking. I don't think I'm a booty call, because he never tries anything with me. If you aren't dating, why is he spending the night at your place? And what do you mean, "without me asking"?
Johnny85 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I am kind of in the same situation as you are, although I am a guy. But I met this girl online a few weeks ago and we have seen each other 3 times so far. I like her, and she likes me but I am just not sure what she wants. So we don't really text very much (I would love to blow up her phone though, haha, but that would just come across as needy). So instead we text once in a while, which is cool. My point is that perhaps he doesn't want to scare you away either. Or as someone else had mentioned, perhaps he doesn't like to text!
Carlos S Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I gotta say, maysj18, you look incredible! What single guy wouldn't want to hang out with you? To all the ladies out there, if you're dating a guy, would you want to hang our or talk on a nearly daily basis? That's the impression I get from observing my friends in relationships
skylarkjv Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 He probably just doesn't like to text a lot. If you feel the need for more constant communication, that's fine. I'm sure he won't mind a few random texts throughout the day. By few I mean like literally 3 or 4. Not 10 to 15. Stuff that he can send a quick reply to without it bothering him too much. I don't like to text that much. The girl I've been seeing for the past month or so does. She gets this, so she might text me "good morning" when she wakes up, I can text good morning back, and she'll be fine for a few hours.
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 OK, you've been 'hanging out' for a few weeks, he 'hasn't tried anything' and you're comfortable you're not a 'booty call' and you and he are 'getting closer'. I'm speaking from long experience here.... is it possible that he's been doing mostly listening? I've found, consistently, and this even applied to my exW whom I was married to for ten years, that conversations with women tend to be one-sided. Once I stop active listening and being interested in what they're talking about and shift the conversation, things die out. This is true with female friends, girlfriends, love interests and the aforementioned spouse. TBH, after about 35 years of it, it's finally gotten old. The 'closer' I get, the more I tend to want to communicate and build intimacy, but that's a two-way street. If I'm sensing that it's only going one way, I get quiet and distant about myself. That's because what we're really having isn't intimacy; it's me getting hoovered for time, attention and care. That's about the time I put on my therapist hat, or did in the past. Your situation is unique to you but I'm throwing that out there from a male perspective. As a test, call him up and spend five minutes showing interest in aspects of his life you know are important to him from all your 'getting closer' activities. See how it goes. Good luck.
Johnny85 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 So how often do you see each other now? Has he kissed you yet?
Author maysj18 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 OK, you've been 'hanging out' for a few weeks, he 'hasn't tried anything' and you're comfortable you're not a 'booty call' and you and he are 'getting closer'. I'm speaking from long experience here.... is it possible that he's been doing mostly listening? I've found, consistently, and this even applied to my exW whom I was married to for ten years, that conversations with women tend to be one-sided. Once I stop active listening and being interested in what they're talking about and shift the conversation, things die out. This is true with female friends, girlfriends, love interests and the aforementioned spouse. TBH, after about 35 years of it, it's finally gotten old. The 'closer' I get, the more I tend to want to communicate and build intimacy, but that's a two-way street. If I'm sensing that it's only going one way, I get quiet and distant about myself. That's because what we're really having isn't intimacy; it's me getting hoovered for time, attention and care. That's about the time I put on my therapist hat, or did in the past. Your situation is unique to you but I'm throwing that out there from a male perspective. As a test, call him up and spend five minutes showing interest in aspects of his life you know are important to him from all your 'getting closer' activities. See how it goes. Good luck. He plays on the football team, and i always ask how his practices and games. Ill ask questions relating to the sport every now and then to try to understand the rules of football (im not a big sports fan obviously). I could care less about the game, but its important to him so i fake an interest. His mom had emergency surgery a week or so ago and I always ask about her every time I see him. Is that what you mean? I understand exactly what youre saying..but what do you think now?
Author maysj18 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 So how often do you see each other now? Has he kissed you yet? Maybe once a week? And no, he hasnt. Is that bad?
Author maysj18 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I gotta say, maysj18, you look incredible! What single guy wouldn't want to hang out with you? To all the ladies out there, if you're dating a guy, would you want to hang our or talk on a nearly daily basis? That's the impression I get from observing my friends in relationships Hang out every day, no. I'm super busy and so is he. I would like to talk about once a day, just to catch up, even if its just 5 minutes or so. That's just me though.
Johnny85 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Maybe he is just really shy. You could kiss him to break the ice;)
Author maysj18 Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Maybe he is just really shy. You could kiss him to break the ice;) I want to, buttttt I've just put myself out there so much..I'd kind of like some reciprocation.
Nexus One Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I want to, buttttt I've just put myself out there so much..I'd kind of like some reciprocation. Maybe he now thinks he should take it slow or let you make the first move, since you made that comment about him making out with that slutty girl once. Perhaps he thinks he shouldn't take any chances and give you the wrong impression of him by making the first move.
Author maysj18 Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Maybe he now thinks he should take it slow or let you make the first move, since you made that comment about him making out with that slutty girl once. Perhaps he thinks he shouldn't take any chances and give you the wrong impression of him by making the first move. I find that very sweet, but of course I'm skeptical. I guess your advice would be just to go for it?
Nexus One Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I find that very sweet, but of course I'm skeptical. I guess your advice would be just to go for it? I don't know exactly what the dynamic is between you two. You mentioned you guys cuddled right? And you hang out with him in his room every now and then, right? Then I guess the situation has a "fruitful foundation" for some kissing I think.
Author maysj18 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 He stayed the night again last weekend and we had a blast like usual, except he still never tried to make a move. We went to breakfast and then parted ways. Later that afternoon we sen a few texts back and forth. We didnt talk for about 4 days and i sent him a text joking about something that happened when we were together and he never said anything. So, I guess I'm taking this as a hint. Even though I know he never uses his phone, I do know he at least carries it so I'm sure he got my message. Wouldn't he want to talk to me if he were interested?
Author maysj18 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 He does have a prepaid cell phone (see? He really doesnt like it haha), so maybe he really didnt get my text because he hadnt paid for the next month? Lol, just trying to be optomistic.
carhill Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 TBH, I'd be as confused as you are. I went through some similar dynamics back when I was a virgin but assume that's not the case here, meaning he's hetero and sexually active. What's his relationship history like? My armchair selection of potentials would include virgin, gay or involved with someone else but enjoys cuddling with you. He doesn't appear to be painfully shy but maybe I'm misreading that. The latter (cuddling) is what I experienced a lot of as a young virgin, meaning women who were banging other guys but said guys weren't meeting their other 'needs', so they got their cuddle time with me with no strings attached. This included 'stayovers'. The genders are generally wrong in your case because most men who are sexually active want more sex. Like I said, confusing. My advice would be, if this dynamic is satisfying to you, generally, then continue with it. If not, discontinue. Up to you whether you want to communicate your ambivalence or not. 'I enjoy the time we spend together but am confused about whether you like me in a platonic or romantic way. Can you help me with that?'
Author maysj18 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 TBH, I'd be as confused as you are. I went through some similar dynamics back when I was a virgin but assume that's not the case here, meaning he's hetero and sexually active. What's his relationship history like? My armchair selection of potentials would include virgin, gay or involved with someone else but enjoys cuddling with you. He doesn't appear to be painfully shy but maybe I'm misreading that. The latter (cuddling) is what I experienced a lot of as a young virgin, meaning women who were banging other guys but said guys weren't meeting their other 'needs', so they got their cuddle time with me with no strings attached. This included 'stayovers'. The genders are generally wrong in your case because most men who are sexually active want more sex. Like I said, confusing. My advice would be, if this dynamic is satisfying to you, generally, then continue with it. If not, discontinue. Up to you whether you want to communicate your ambivalence or not. 'I enjoy the time we spend together but am confused about whether you like me in a platonic or romantic way. Can you help me with that?' I never thought about him seeing someone else. That's a good point. All I really know about his past is that he's had about 4 substantial relationships, his longest being 2 years. I do know that he hooked up with a loose girl who went to school with us before she transferred. So, he has a pretty typical past in my opinion. I'm really good friends with some of his friends, so ill probably ask them what to do. This may be normal behavior?
thatone Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 first of all, the notion that it's "too early" to tell him what you want is wrong. that might be a consensus opinion but the older you get the more you'll realize that the consensus is often wrong. you don't have to be demanding. you can bring it up casually. "hey, it'd be nice if we talked more, why don't you call me for a few minutes every day, i'd like to hear from you more" if he's interested in you he'll accommodate you. he could very well bring up something simple and casual that he wants from you too. and if you're still interested in each other you'll accommodate each other. that's how you build trust, that's how relationships work. it's never too early to talk about such things.
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