Abbie83 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Please help! I need some advice. Some background information....my ex and I dated for about three months, but it was the most amazing three months ever. Ever since the first time we met, we emailed/texted about 100 times a day, and spent every minute together that we possibly could. We were discussing getting married, and having kids. And, he even insisted that I joined him when he was looking to buy a house because "I'd be moving in someday." He told all of our mutual friends that I was the one and he'd never met anyone like me. I thought we were totally and completely meant for each other. Then, after three months of this, he skipped a day of contacting me....I asked him about it the next day....I wasn't mad at all...just thought that was curious...and he totally blew up. Told me he didn't want to see me anymore and walked out. I felt like my heart had been ripped out! I've spent the last month trying to stop thinking about him ALL the time, and trying to figure out how to not be cynical in future relationahips. Then, today out of nowhere (exactly one month after he walked out on me), he sent me an email "just to say hi"....why would he do this? And, what do I do now? I haven't replied yet... I don't think I want him back...how can I be sure that he won't walk out like this again someday, you know? But, I really thought he could have been the one for me. I don't know How to reply....please help!!
geegirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) You don't reply. You don't open the door to communication again. You don't put yourself back in a negative situation. Keep going on with your healing and moving on. He's testing the waters. Don't think for a split second he is wanting to reconcile for all the right reasons. Remember, he walked out on you in a cold and cruel manner. That says so much about who he really is and when a man starts out hot and heavy and suddenly grows cold, it is a huge red flag. Edited October 12, 2011 by geegirl
Author Abbie83 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Thanks geegirl! That's kind of what my gut is telling me to do... But, I know he was going through a really tough time at work a month ago...so I can't help but think that maybe he was just really stressed out, and now realizes I was important to him? I don't know.....yesterday I thought I was making good progress moving on, and now I feel like I'm back at square one! :-/
cptwinks Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 From a man's perspective it sounds like he felt guilty for being such an ass. Or it could even be that he's lonely and felt embarrassed about the way he acted. Most men have a hard time admitting they were being stupid. I know I did, until I figured there's nothing more stupid than trying to avoid apologizing. But it sounds like he has a personality that is very intense and says that this house was for you too someday could be a case of him being rash. For example he is being rash saying this house would be for you someday, so it comes to no surprise he was just as rash about breaking up. I would save yourself the heart break and don't reply, he'll probably get angry and might contact you again, but hold fast, and be happy you're not involved with someone who is so willy nilly about things.
geegirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 But, I know he was going through a really tough time at work a month ago...so I can't help but think that maybe he was just really stressed out, and now realizes I was important to him? / If a man loves you and wants to keep you in his life, nothing will stop him from wanting to be with you and if something was going on in his life, he would be communicating it to you to help you understand. If he treated you that way a month ago, trust me nothing much has changed in a month.
cptwinks Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I mean I agree with geegirl, I wouldn't be giving him excuses. Well put, if he is treating you like this a month ago, what's to stop him doing something like that in the future. You have to admit leaving you because you asked why he didn't talk to you (only due to the fact he was doing that everyday) is pretty left field. Imagine if there was a real issue in your relationship... how would he act then? Really go out with friends and meet someone else.
Author Abbie83 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Thanks, you guys....I think you're right....the right thing to do is just not reply. But, we hang out in a lot o the same social circles, so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I run into him again....and you're right...he's pretty quick to act dramatically about things. So, I think whenever I run into him again he's going to do something to cause drama (don't know if it'll be good or bad...) So, what do I say when I see him? Even though I know he didn't treat me fairly, I feel kind of bad ignoring his email when I know I'll have to see him again. Ugh...
cptwinks Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Good question, sometimes this does happen, socializing with similar people in similar places. I would say you can do a couple of things, one, reply and tell him you want nothing to do with him, so if he does see you hopefully no drama will happen. But that option you have to be really strong and avoid the temptation to say really anything else. (why did you leave, why are you such an ass etc.) Option two, be ready to tell him when he sees you if he starts anything that his actions were unacceptable and if he has any wonders as to why you didn't reply to his message is just that he needs to understand you can't walk out on someone and expect for them to wait around for him or to act like nothing ever happened. Because it did happen, and don't be mean or cruel, it's just matter of fact, and he should understand that. Should being the main word in that sentence. Or just ignore him until it all blows over. Break ups are never easy, they're messy and worrisome. I'd say hold out and if he does see you or approach you, pretend he's a child and talk to him like an adult would, your actions were unacceptable and these are the repercussions.
geegirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Thanks, you guys....I think you're right....the right thing to do is just not reply. But, we hang out in a lot o the same social circles, so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I run into him again....and you're right...he's pretty quick to act dramatically about things. So, I think whenever I run into him again he's going to do something to cause drama (don't know if it'll be good or bad...) So, what do I say when I see him? Even though I know he didn't treat me fairly, I feel kind of bad ignoring his email when I know I'll have to see him again. Ugh... Don't feel bad ignoring him. You don't reward someone for treating you badly. You show them your boundaries. Do you think he felt bad when he left you that way? No. Left you hanging for a month. If you see him again, ignore. If he waves, nod or look away. You don't owe him anything.
Author Abbie83 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Yeah...everything you guys are saying makes sense. I think I just need to ignore the email and deal with any encounters when/if they happen. Logically that all makes sense...but emotionally I still feel connected. What's wrong with me? How do I get rid of these thoughts that maybe we could make it work someday? Sorry....I'm sure I sound really stupid....haha...why are breakups so complicated?!
geegirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Yeah...everything you guys are saying makes sense. I think I just need to ignore the email and deal with any encounters when/if they happen. Logically that all makes sense...but emotionally I still feel connected. What's wrong with me? How do I get rid of these thoughts that maybe we could make it work someday? Sorry....I'm sure I sound really stupid....haha...why are breakups so complicated?! It's normal to feel emotional. You invested yourself in him. Those feelings will still be there and it's only been a month since you have broken up. It's normal to wish and romanticize him and the R. You just have to give yourself time to grieve and slowly detach emotionally and heal and with that you will begin to find mental clarity and see things differently.
cptwinks Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 You know I would say that those thoughts are all due to being human. We get used to something and want to keep it. It takes a strange person to be totally comfortable with change in all aspects of there life. Especially when it comes to person to person interactions. Break ups are complicated because we're complicated. You just need something to come into your life that is really awesome, and I would even be so bold to say to go looking for it. But my brother gave me really good advice, he called it "cobblestones of happiness" where you do one thing that makes you happy that's small like buy a coffee, or feeds the ducks, or volunteer at a senior citizen center, and all of these "cobblestones" will then start to build this road of happiness all put there by you. Maybe you should start building your road with your first cobblestone tonight, do something that makes you happy.
Author Abbie83 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Thanks, you guys...you really helped a lot! I love the cobblestone idea, so I decided to make sone cookies last night. And then I brought some to my neighbor lady who lives down the hall...she's helped me out with a few maintenance things in my apartment and I never properly thanked her. Then, we took her dogs for a walk, and overall it was a really peaceful evening! But, then, this morning I get another email from my ex saying that the real reason he contacted me was because he wants his old college t-shirt back. I think I do have his t-shirt in a garbage bag full of stuff that reminds me of him...I put the whole bag down in the basement of my apartment building a month ago, and haven't really given it much thought since. Do I have to give him his shirt back? I have a million thoughts running through my head....it's probably not good for me to see him, but I miss him, but it's just a t-shirt. I mean, he had months before we broke up and a month afterward to ask for it, and is just now getting around to it. He wrote in his email "I have no ulterior motive....I just want my shirt." why would he say that unless he did, in fact, have some other motive? I don't know what to do...
geegirl Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 You bag up all his stuff and return it. It does not matter what his motive is to ask for the tshirt. Just return all this things. Take what he said, "I have no other motive" as just that and don't analyze or think too much into it and come up with ideas that will keep you confused and wondering. If you believe he is fishing for more, it's going to take a whole lot more than a text about a tshirt to make his intentions be worth any substance.
cptwinks Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Awesome! I'm so glad to hear the cobblestone idea worked for you! Yeah I agree I wouldn't look too much into it, so if that is the case than that's good news, but if you don't want to see him you could always just leave the shirt on your front door step in a plastic bag.
cptwinks Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 wait I just thought of this, if he really just wanted his t-shirt why didn't he say that in the first message instead of waiting for you to not reply to pull that out of his bog of tricks? Yeah I say just leave his shirt in a bag, because he just sounds sneaky to me...
Author Abbie83 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Yeah...the whole thing seems fishy to me. He's the kind of guy that thinks he's a little bit smarter than everyone else, so when we were dating it seemed like he ALWAYS had an ulterior motive....maybe that's why I assume he's got one now...haha. It just feels shady....why, after months, does he want some ratty old shirt that has no sentimental value. I returned everything that I thought he might want back right after we broke up, and it never occurred to me that he might want this back. And, yeah...if this is all he wanted, why didn't he just ask for it in the first email. Oh well...maybe I'll just give it to a mutual friend and have them call him about it. Thanks for the advice!
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