Buttercup84 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Sorry for posting do many things . I know I shouldn't think of him so much but this is bringing me down . We lived together and my ex is 31. After he ended it I snooped and saw emails between him and his friend who he saw a lot . The subject title was " the plan " and I just saw a mail where my ex was talking about how he just signed up to the same dating site as his friend , and he said he should have done it long ago . His friend said he should show me the exit door. After the breakup my ex acted all worried about me , saying he wants to be alone . I'm not perfect but my ex wrote that when we were still together . He always made out as if i was not a nice person . Even said we are only still together because he hadn't met a nice girl . I get angry about it sometimes but I just feel so hurt that he did that . I thought he was different , and his friend and him just talked about me as if I'm trash . Sorry again for going over and over the same thing .
Mack05 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Please buttercup. Print out the thread in my signature and read it over and over again until it sinks in. He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Buttercup, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend (by going over pointless stuff over and over and getting absolutely nowhere).
ken_25 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 No need to apologize, post as much as you want. Thinking you know someone and how they feel about you and later finding out you were flat wrong is a tough pill to swallow. I've been there, and it definitely messes with me still, but just remember others have gone through this, others have been through worse and you will be okay in the end. You're going to meet someone great in time and no longer will your ex bother you like this. I could never be with someone and talk about us like that. I'm really sorry, but i've read a lot of your posts and just know there are many guys out there that would be proud to have you.
lymtal1 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 bc, no need to apologize, many of us are there and we replay things over and over and over. even if things are getting better to a degree, we all who still are fully not 100% past them do it. i remember your "the plan" post months back. what he did was really bad. he should have been more forthcoming with you. he was not. you can't change what happened. you can only move on. it does not seem like you are doing that to the degree that you may want to. you seem to be focused on this specific act related to his plan and i think that it hit your self esteem very hard. additionally, you are realizing that you guys were living together when he had these thoughts. you know that this is normal. most ex'es are planning their escape way before we know about it. i know that it is that that makes you hurt. you have to let it go and let him go. what he did does not reflect on the person that you are or are aspiring to become. you had no control over the situation and could not have changed it then if you would have known his intentions. do not let this thought continue to haunt you and keep you from moving on. it is only one moment in time that that has actually put you in a better place whether you may think it or not. the only thing that this shows is that he was not the person you thought he was. i doubt you would have done this to him. i think you getting angry about it is good. get real mad as this was a very low down way to treat someone. stop holding on to this from a hurt perspective and use that anger to move on. you need to be thinking how in the world could someone that you treated so great do this to you? the reason is because he is not who you thought he was. in fact he was someone very different. you are hanging onto anything that you can remember about him that was good. stop, think about him and ask yourself what kind of person would deceive like he did. certainly not someone who you should spend time and thoughts on because he was such a great guy. let HIS plan go and let go of HIM. you are too good for him:)
Author Buttercup84 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 No need to apologize, post as much as you want. Thinking you know someone and how they feel about you and later finding out you were flat wrong is a tough pill to swallow. I've been there, and it definitely messes with me still, but just remember others have gone through this, others have been through worse and you will be okay in the end. You're going to meet someone great in time and no longer will your ex bother you like this. I could never be with someone and talk about us like that. I'm really sorry, but i've read a lot of your posts and just know there are many guys out there that would be proud to have you. Thank you so much Ken.I hope things are better for you now. What you said means a lot to me thank you x
Author Buttercup84 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Please buttercup. Print out the thread in my signature and read it over and over again until it sinks in. He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Buttercup, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend (by going over pointless stuff over and over and getting absolutely nowhere). I know I know Thank you Mack , will do x
Author Buttercup84 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 bc, no need to apologize, many of us are there and we replay things over and over and over. even if things are getting better to a degree, we all who still are fully not 100% past them do it. i remember your "the plan" post months back. what he did was really bad. he should have been more forthcoming with you. he was not. you can't change what happened. you can only move on. it does not seem like you are doing that to the degree that you may want to. you seem to be focused on this specific act related to his plan and i think that it hit your self esteem very hard. additionally, you are realizing that you guys were living together when he had these thoughts. you know that this is normal. most ex'es are planning their escape way before we know about it. i know that it is that that makes you hurt. you have to let it go and let him go. what he did does not reflect on the person that you are or are aspiring to become. you had no control over the situation and could not have changed it then if you would have known his intentions. do not let this thought continue to haunt you and keep you from moving on. it is only one moment in time that that has actually put you in a better place whether you may think it or not. the only thing that this shows is that he was not the person you thought he was. i doubt you would have done this to him. i think you getting angry about it is good. get real mad as this was a very low down way to treat someone. stop holding on to this from a hurt perspective and use that anger to move on. you need to be thinking how in the world could someone that you treated so great do this to you? the reason is because he is not who you thought he was. in fact he was someone very different. you are hanging onto anything that you can remember about him that was good. stop, think about him and ask yourself what kind of person would deceive like he did. certainly not someone who you should spend time and thoughts on because he was such a great guy. let HIS plan go and let go of HIM. you are too good for him:) Thank you , you guys are so sweet. What you said is beautiful and I will read all your posts when I am feeling sad again.xx
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) Buttercup, I did exactly what you are doing now...In fact for the first month after my breakup I never slept. I know how hard is is to let go and I know how hard it is not to go through things over and over in your mind. You are hoping you can find something that will prove your ex wrong, or proof that they are indeed the nice people we got together with at the start. I got the same advice as I am giving you and I too couldn't grasp it or comprehend it. All I wanted to do was talk to the one person who I felt could 'save' me from my misery. It turns out this person could only add to my misery. I tried so hard to figure her out. I still haven't and never will, so I stopped trying. I just accepted her thought process is different and not compatible to mine. I now realised I didn't know my ex, certainly not the way I thought I did. You wish your ex would change and be the sweet guy you remembered. The thing is that nasty guy is part of who your ex is, you just couldn't see it. The first few years you rarely see the bad side of someone. They love you and are infatuated with you. They are showing you their best sides. Your ex has a bad side, with bad qualities (most of us have flaws/bad side, some more then others). He needs to accept this and want to change himself. You can't make him do it, no matter how much you want to. Change takes time (on both sides). I know you wish he would change (go back to Mr sweet guy) and stop emotionally and verbally insulting you, but that is who he is. If he wants to change that will take months, even years. When we fall in love with someone, we see their best qualities. Too many times on this site, I have read he is not the guy I fell in love with. He is, he just hid his bad side. Real true love is when you see all sides to your partner, warts and all and you still feel just as strongly about them..My ex saw my worst sides and decided I wasn't for her. That's fine, her choice. But the woman I marry, will love all of me and will hopefully she will see my heart and accept my flaws. Do you think your ex accepted your flaws and imperfections? No! he did the opposite and made you feel horrible. That is not real love Buttercup. Deep down I realised I wasn't compatible with my ex. We both left the relationship on numerous occasions. It is the same as you and your ex. You are not compatible, but you are too emotionally invested to see it.. When you dreamed of you dream guy in your teens, did he treat you like your ex did? Did he call you names and make you feel bad about yourself? Did he bad mouth you to his friends? Of course he didn't. Instead of focusing why your ex did this and that. You need to focus on why you stayed in a relationship with a man like this and why you still miss him. Once you have figured this out, you can then start to move out of limbo. This right now is your biggest problem Bcup and many others on this site. They are ony focusing solely on the ex. With seemingly a million questions they want answered. Look at Mike588. A great person like you. He is doing the exact same thing as you are. Look at all the threads you have started and all the threads he has started. All of them are asking questions about their ex's behaviour..While you do this, you will stay miserable and stay in limbo. I know, I have been there..That is why I wrote a thread on how to heal. Edited October 14, 2011 by Mack05
Author Buttercup84 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Buttercup, I did exactly what you are doing now...In fact for the first month after my breakup I never slept. I know how hard is is to let go and I know how hard it is not to go through things over and over in your mind. You are hoping you can find something that will prove your ex wrong, or proof that they are indeed the nice people we got together with at the start. I got the same advice as I am giving you and I too couldn't grasp it or comprehend it. All I wanted to do was talk to the one person who I felt could 'save' me from my misery. It turns out this person could only add to my misery. I tried so hard to figure her out. I still haven't and never will, so I stopped trying. I just accepted her thought process is different and not compatible to mine. I now realised I didn't know my ex, the way I thought I did. You wish your ex would change and be the sweet guy you remembered. The thing is that nasty guy is part of who your ex is, you just couldn't see it. The first few years you rarely see the bad side of someone. They love you and are infatuated with you. They are showing you their best sides. Your ex has a bad side, with bad qualities (most of us have flaws/bad side, some more then others). He needs to accept this and want to change himself. You can't make him do it, no matter how much you want to. Change takes time (on both sides). I know you wish he would change (go back to Mr sweet guy) and stop emotionally and verbally insulting you, but that is who he is. If he wants to change that will take months, even years. When we fall in love with someone, we see their best qualities. Too many times on this site, I have read he is not the guy I fell in love with. He is, he just hid his bad side. Real true love is when you see all sides to your partner, warts and all and you still feel just as strongly about them..My ex saw my worst sides and decided I wasn't for her. That's fine, her choice. But the woman I marry, will love all of me and will hopefully she will see my heart and accept my flaws. Do you think your ex accepted your flaws and imperfections? No! he did the opposite and made you feel horrible. That is not real love Buttercup. Deep down I realised I wasn't compatible with my ex. We both left the relationship on numerous occasions. It is the same as you and your ex. You are not compatible, but you are too emotionally invested to see it.. When you dreamed of you dream guy in your teens, did he treat you like your ex did? Did he call you names and make you feel bad about yourself? Did he bad mouth you to his friends? Of course he didn't. Instead of focusing why your ex did this and that. You need to focus on why you stayed in a relationship with a man like this and why you still miss him. Once you have figured this out, you can then start to move out of limbo. This right now is your biggest problem Bcup and many others on this site. They are ony focusing solely on the ex. With seemingly a million questions they want answered. Look at Mike588. A great person like you. He is doing the exact same thing as you are. Look at all the threads you have started and all the threads he has started. All of them are asking questions about their ex's behaviour..While you do this, you will stay miserable and stay in limbo. I know, I have been there..That is why I wrote a thread on how to heal. Thank you Mack. I guess I just blame myself and feel like I brought the worse out of him.He even said that too while we were still together. And I keep thinking that he will find a girl and never be like he was towards me in the end. You are so strong and were able to move on faster , I wish I could be like that too
Mack05 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Thank you Mack. I guess I just blame myself and feel like I brought the worse out of him.He even said that too while we were still together. And I keep thinking that he will find a girl and never be like he was towards me in the end. You are so strong and were able to move on faster , I wish I could be like that too Butter two things. Firstly that is nonsense when people like him say "you brought the worst out of me" He was acting like a pig yet wants to blame you, by saying you made him act that way! Utter nonsense! That is called transference or projecting (not sure which). They put the blame on you for their horrible behaviour. Don't believe that total nonsense. As for me being strong. Yes maybe now. Back in March, Hell no! I made an idiot of myself trying to win her back. I went to Therapy two times a week for nearly four months. Spoke to my mother and sister everyday during the hard times. I was in a very dark place. Now that I am out of there, I like coming here to try help people so that they don't make the same mistakes I did. The advice I offer butter was gained through utter hardship. I don't want people to suffer like I did. If I can help people, then I will keep posting here..
Recommended Posts