christine393 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend a little over a year. We see eachother 3-4 times a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes we won't see each other for two weeks, other times, just a week. I've learned to accept that we both have jobs, etc, but I feel as if two weeks of seperation at a time, is a little excessive. Although I do like my space (hypocrite, I know!) I can't really be mad at him though.. I feel as if it might be my fault. I feel as if we're just casually dating because we don't really see each other enough. It's hard for me to open up, and feel as if we're together for real because I always feel that we have a distance of sorts between us. Should I be more loving and ask to see him more often? Am I the one who needs to make more of an effort?
Sabian Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 If you're the main reason for the lack of time together than yes....you don't say why you can only see each other 3-4 times a month. That's not even a relationship to me. I see my distant relatives as much as you two see each other. Although I know a lot of people who insist they love their bf/gf despite rarely seeing them. I usually laugh. You should be together more often. You might not even like each other that much but don't know it because you're never together. It's easy for anyone to seem awesome when you have all that time to build them up in your head. If it's not a long distance relationship, than something seems wrong. You should want to be together more than that. Even if it's just meeting for lunch or hitching a ride somewhere. I find it hard to believe that either of you really likes the other one very much if you can stand to be apart for so long.
Author christine393 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Thank you so much for your honest opinion! I really really appreciate it. It's definitely not just my fault that we don't see each other more. He's driven maybe four or five times to my apartment. Although I admit, it is more convenient to just hang out at his place after work. Sorry for sounding like a confused person! I feel as if it's my fault that we don't hang out more because I've brought it up in the past and he's dismissed it pretty quickly. So I have trouble bringing it up again. And than I feel nonchalant about seeing him because he doesn't want to see me. I dont' want to put my time, and feelings on the line for someone who won't make an effort. We (supposedly) can't see each other more than once a week (even though we live 20 min apart!) and he can see his friends three or four times a week (spending at least 10 hours with them on each occasion!).. A bit annoying. I really agree with you on building the other person up. Exactly what I needed to hear. It's' really how I feel as well.
silvermercy Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I initially thought you're both living a long distance away. IMO the frequency you have is not very normal for a relationship where the couple lives so close to each other... It sounds more like casual dating. Can't tell whose fault it is, but usually people who live such a close distance away should be crazy about each other and make time to meet at every single opportunity. If it didn't bother you, that'd be totally fine, but obviously it bothers you so as to post a thread about it. Try to discuss it more with him and see if you can at least increase the frequency.
azsinglegal Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Why does someone have to be at fault? Just ask to see him more if that's what you want.
Author christine393 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 azsinglegal - I guess that's just how I am.. Yikes! A part of me is a little scared to ask to see him more. I feel as if we saw each other more, I would be happy, but he might not be. But I also know that something is wrong with dating someone once a week. I do like my space, but after hearing your opinions, I do know that I want more. And I'm just not getting that from where we are right now. Silvermercy - It definitely does bother me.. Especially since we've discussed kids, have been together for over a year (I know, short for some but it seems like a long time at this point in my life..), talked about living together, etc. I really don't want to get to a point where he thinks we're at this level where we should be having kids, and I have all this built up resentment. And I really do want to be crazy about him. I am, but I'm also very mindful and scared of pushing him away.
azsinglegal Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 All you can do is ask, worst he can say is no.
Author christine393 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Hehe I guess so.. Now to just work up the courage and figure out what to even say! Hahah
Eddie Edirol Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I say dont bother. If youve been together for a year, and he doesnt want to see you more often, or at least as often as he sees his friends, hes not that interested in you. You sound like a booty call to me. Youre only 20 minutes away. If he wanted to see you more, he really would. I think he just doesnt want to. You should bail on this one. BTW to answer your question, its your fault for putting up with this and being too afraid to assert yourself and get what you want, or being too afraid to break it off. Hes doing what he wants, you are putting up with it. Edited October 12, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author christine393 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 I say dont bother. If youve been together for a year, and he doesnt want to see you more often, or at least as often as he sees his friends, hes not that interested in you. You sound like a booty call to me. Youre only 20 minutes away. If he wanted to see you more, he really would. I think he just doesnt want to. You should bail on this one. BTW to answer your question, its your fault for putting up with this and being too afraid to assert yourself and get what you want, or being too afraid to break it off. Hes doing what he wants, you are putting up with it. I really can't disagree with you at all. Tough to hear, but definitely really welcomed. I think what hit home for me the most was "If he wanted to see you more, he really would." I absolutely agree. I certainly don't want to be one of those girls who says "Oh, he just didn't have a minute to call me this week.. He must be so busy!" Thanks for the tough truth. I do need to work on asserting myself. Absolutely 100%. I guess the hard part for me is, actually telling someone what I want and having the follow through to just break it off.
Leegh Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Just a suggestion, but next time he calls you, tell him (politely) you have other plans, work, etc., and possibly do this off and on several times over a period of weeks, and see what he does. Will his calling become more frequent or less frequent? Sometimes when a person is unavailable it peaks their interest; possibly he will begin to wonder where HE stands in the relationship! Good luck.
Kamille Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Why can't you (supposedly) see each other more than once a week? Was an agreement made to that effect? If so why? After a year and if the relationship is otherwise fulfilling, I would say: don't play games. If you want to see him more often, make it happen. Call him up and ask him out on a date midweek. A guy who is into you would appreciate the effort.
azsinglegal Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Hehe I guess so.. Now to just work up the courage and figure out what to even say! Hahah How about, I'd like to see you more often. I'm willing to sacrifice to make this happen what do you say? When I started seeing my BF he's the one who pushed for more time, I complied. But lately I've been backing off and only seeing him Fri - Sun (and leaving really early) instead of Thur - Sun...he asked me if I was breaking up with him! I didn't realize it was being perceived like that but if he was cancelling on me, I'd think that too. Mostly it's because I'm so tired during the week that to pack my car, all the stuff for my dogs and then drop it off at his house before I go to work is wearing on me. (We live 45 min away) I'm tired of living out of a duffle bag on the weekends...but it's what our relationship is and I need to be willing to sacrifice that if it's what I want. You need to figure out if your man is willing to do the same for you. If not, then you need to re-evalute the relationship.
vsmini Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I say dont bother. If youve been together for a year, and he doesnt want to see you more often, or at least as often as he sees his friends, hes not that interested in you. You sound like a booty call to me. Youre only 20 minutes away. If he wanted to see you more, he really would. I think he just doesnt want to. You should bail on this one. BTW to answer your question, its your fault for putting up with this and being too afraid to assert yourself and get what you want, or being too afraid to break it off. Hes doing what he wants, you are putting up with it. I have to second this. And you shouldn't be afraid to ask him anything. I used to be the girl that was too afraid to ask a guy if he wanted to see me more because I was afraid of coming off as "needy" - well guess what? I have needs and if I'm in a relationship with someone then I expect them to be met. So if they call me needy...fine by me.
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I feel as if we're just casually dating because we don't really see each other enough If you've been doing this for over year and only live 20 minutes apart, you are dating casually. Everyone who isn't dead is busy doing something. Me, I'm responding to your post right now, out of thousands of other things I could be occupying this time with. We each choose who and what we commit to. If his commitment to this 'dating' arrangement isn't satisfactory to you, do, as was suggested in your prior thread in August, express your feelings to him. Accept his answer. If it doesn't match up in a reasonable and considerate way with what you want, in other words with sufficient 'bend', then say your polite good-byes and move on. You want to see him more often? Be specific about it. If he 'blows you off', then 'OK, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. Good bye' You always have a choice. He always has a choice. No one is too busy to have choices. Being busy is a choice. Good luck.
Author christine393 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 To all - I really want to thank everyone once again. When I originally posted this, I didn't think I would get half the feedback or (very needed) advice that I got. I really appreciate everyone helping me so much!!!!!! I had a bit of trouble working up the nerve to even post this. Honestly, I feel so much better after listening to everyones opinion. I wouldn't have the guts to do anything at all if I didn't have you guys giving me advice.. The last year or so, I've been sweeping problems under the rug. Not acceptable. Thanks to you all, I'm going to finally find out (hopefully next week!) if things are going to change or not. Just a suggestion, but next time he calls you, tell him (politely) you have other plans, work, etc., and possibly do this off and on several times over a period of weeks, and see what he does. Will his calling become more frequent or less frequent? Sometimes when a person is unavailable it peaks their interest; possibly he will begin to wonder where HE stands in the relationship! Good luck. Great advice... I have become unavailable in the past due to travel and my job, but we didn't seem to notice.. Although that could be because we only see each other a couple times a month.. -___- I will think about this though. Why can't you (supposedly) see each other more than once a week? Was an agreement made to that effect? If so why? After a year and if the relationship is otherwise fulfilling, I would say: don't play games. If you want to see him more often, make it happen. Call him up and ask him out on a date midweek. A guy who is into you would appreciate the effort. A verbal agreement (a one-sided one... on his part) was made... I was fine with it for the first 6 months, but as you can tell, it's gotten old. I really like what you said. I WILL try to make it happen! Thank you so much How about, I'd like to see you more often. I'm willing to sacrifice to make this happen what do you say? When I started seeing my BF he's the one who pushed for more time, I complied. But lately I've been backing off and only seeing him Fri - Sun (and leaving really early) instead of Thur - Sun...he asked me if I was breaking up with him! I didn't realize it was being perceived like that but if he was cancelling on me, I'd think that too. Mostly it's because I'm so tired during the week that to pack my car, all the stuff for my dogs and then drop it off at his house before I go to work is wearing on me. (We live 45 min away) I'm tired of living out of a duffle bag on the weekends...but it's what our relationship is and I need to be willing to sacrifice that if it's what I want. You need to figure out if your man is willing to do the same for you. If not, then you need to re-evalute the relationship. Aw, it sounds like you have a very good boyfriend. Thank you so much for what you said. "If not, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship." I suppose I do need to do that. I have to second this. And you shouldn't be afraid to ask him anything. I used to be the girl that was too afraid to ask a guy if he wanted to see me more because I was afraid of coming off as "needy" - well guess what? I have needs and if I'm in a relationship with someone then I expect them to be met. So if they call me needy...fine by me. SO TRUE!!! Damn. I think a lot of girls do that. They apologize for their needs. (Oops I guess I do that too!!) That quote really hit home for me. "I have needs, and if I'm in a relationship with someone then I expect them to be met." You are SOOOOOOO RIGHT. I feel as if I should go mentally slap myself for wanting and feeling like I need to apologize for asking for more. I shouldn't feel that way at all. No one should. Thank you SO MUCH If you've been doing this for over year and only live 20 minutes apart, you are dating casually. Everyone who isn't dead is busy doing something. Me, I'm responding to your post right now, out of thousands of other things I could be occupying this time with. We each choose who and what we commit to. If his commitment to this 'dating' arrangement isn't satisfactory to you, do, as was suggested in your prior thread in August, express your feelings to him. Accept his answer. If it doesn't match up in a reasonable and considerate way with what you want, in other words with sufficient 'bend', then say your polite good-byes and move on. You want to see him more often? Be specific about it. If he 'blows you off', then 'OK, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. Good bye' You always have a choice. He always has a choice. No one is too busy to have choices. Being busy is a choice. Good luck. Thanks for committing to this thread. Thank you so so much. I guess I need to make a choice. I cringed a little at the "polite good-byes" part. But I definitely needed to hear it. THANK YOU. I hope it hasn't run its course...
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