MiaColletus Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I've been perfectly happy in my relationship for the past 9 months ive been dating my boyfriend but recently his anger issues and other things that he's been doing are making me question his integrity as a person. I am in college and get busy sometimes and the other night went to study at one of my best friends houses (who happens to be male) and he was texting me and got mad because I wasn't responding right away. He knows this guy is an extremely good friend of mine and I told him I was studying but I failed to mention it was at his house. He later got upset because of that and the next day treated me coldly while he was at work. He said he was busy but in the morning told me he was upset over what happened last night. I told him what had happened and I was just studying and asked why he's getting so upset. And he said hes tired of finding out at later points that I'm doing something else than I say I am. I asked him why hes never mentioned that before and he just gets all pissy saying he's done with this argument and I already made my excuses about last night and the issue was resolved. But he continued to treat me coldly, replying sarcastically to my messages and being just downright rude. The other week I found out that he was in communication with his ex still and one night while he was drunk at 5 am tried to hang out with her. He apologized and blamed it on the alcohol, said he would never act on it and he regretted it the second he saw those messages in the morning, and I forgave him, but that was strike 1 for me. Now the way he talked to me today is making realize that he is not a very nice man when he gets upset and I was very hurt by his comments and attitude. I don't need to take that from anybody he upset me so much that I cried in my room instead of focus on my school work which is what I needed to do that day. This was sort of strike 2. I love him because we have gone through many wonderful moments and he's been wonderful to me for 9 whole months but recently I am seeing a different side to him. The strange thing is that he pulled this double personality thing on me and as soon as I confronted him about it he softened up and I told him how his attitude hurt me and he apologized. But there was something very wrong in the way he handled the situation. Something I have seen him do with others but never with me. We don't really fight, but thats because I'm a very agreeable person and don't care about many things, he on the other hand believes he is always right. Doesn't give anyone else a change. I don't really know how to deal with this because I don't want to throw away 9 whole months of a happy relationship, but I'm not so sure I want to be with somebody like that. I used to think of him as amazing, cute, with a lot of love and endearment. After the other day I just don't know...I'm kind of scared my perception of him has changed forever.... what do you guys think? Are these deal breakers or am I being sensitive? Keep in mind that obviously at the beginning of a relationship I would run for the hills, but its been 9 long months of wonderful, amazing times and now these two things happened so close together? I would think that maybe he's lost interest or something except after both incidents he apologized deeply and has acted extra sweet to make up for it...but it doesn't really make up for it does it? Edited October 12, 2011 by MiaColletus
Almond_Joy Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 So, to be clear, he never exhibited this sour attitude and disrespect when he was angry prior to these two incidents?
Author MiaColletus Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 No, to clarify he has anger issues, he gets annoyed easily and gets short/sarcastic with people. he's just never really done it with me, or at least to the extent of the other day. He's been sarcastic, stubborn etc but never hurtful like he was the other day. I've seen him be hurtful with others nut never with me.
Almond_Joy Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Then the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. It sounds like your relationship is transitioning from the honeymoon phase into the comfort zone, and he may no longer feel that he has to put his best foot forward with you all the time. My last boyfriend was the same way, and I made the same assumption. Love/affection/ strong feelings/whatever you want to call it does not make you immune from being the recipient of bad behavior from your significant other. In fact, the opposite is more likely - they know you care for them, so they figure you'll put up with it. You've watched him treat others this way for months in situations like this and never called him on it - he may not understand that you will accept him treating others this way, but not you personally, even if you've told him it's hurt your feelings. If you do find the behavior and remarks exceptionally hurtful, I would consider proposing to end the relationship. After a really great 9 months, I understand that's the last thing you want to do....but the hurtful behavior will only get worse if you don't back up your protests with action. I'd strongly recommend tallking to him again, letting him know that you won't put u pwith that kind of behavior. If it persists after the talk, you take a break. Good luck.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 thanks, this could be true, although I felt as if we have been out of the honeymoon phase for a while (after 4 months) hes gotten extremely comfortable with me and the "lovey doveyness" had gone away. He's still sweet but its not the same. I was okay with that. But what happened the other day was something else and was not ok. And since then I see things about him that I never noticed before. Like how much importance he puts on material things, how much he boasts and jokes about how great he is, but then if I say something or if I accomplish something he puts me down...He does this "jokingly" but still. This is his humor is making fun of others....I'm noticing it now and I'm starting to get extremely irritated with him. I in turn have been acting cold and I can't help it. I just am annoyed by his behavior and its gotten worse and worse. But at the same time I still love him, so I'm not sure if I should just have a talk with him or continue like this and see how it goes....
Almond_Joy Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 thanks, this could be true, although I felt as if we have been out of the honeymoon phase for a while (after 4 months) hes gotten extremely comfortable with me and the "lovey doveyness" had gone away. He's still sweet but its not the same. I was okay with that. But what happened the other day was something else and was not ok. And since then I see things about him that I never noticed before. Like how much importance he puts on material things, how much he boasts and jokes about how great he is, but then if I say something or if I accomplish something he puts me down...He does this "jokingly" but still. This is his humor is making fun of others....I'm noticing it now and I'm starting to get extremely irritated with him. I in turn have been acting cold and I can't help it. I just am annoyed by his behavior and its gotten worse and worse. But at the same time I still love him, so I'm not sure if I should just have a talk with him or continue like this and see how it goes.... Well, from what you've said, you have continued like this already. For about 5 months if you believe the honeymoon phase faded out around the 4 month mark. Your annoyance with these aspects of his personality has been building up since the honeymoon phase has ended. Your annoyance is now reaching the tipping point, which is I am assuming what brought you to loveshack - you're looking for advice on what action to take to fix the situation. I hate to sound like a broken record, but my last boyfriend had many of the same traits that you describe your boyfriend exhibiting - the inflated ego, the belittling of other's accomplishments, the increasing severity of his candor and a decreased effort at being civil/respectful when he's angry or feels slighted. These are all things my last boyfriend did. And months after I noticed this behavior - and that it was being directed towards me - I was still madly in love with him. Unlike you, however, I never came forward and said anything about it because my ex told me before I even started to get annoyed by these things that he's well aware of these tendencies and the effect they have on those he interacts with. If he wanted to change he'd have done it with no prompting from me. I can only hazard to guess that your boyfriend is the same. Actually, people in general - if you tell someone an aspect of their personality is unpleasant and they acknowledge they're aware of it.....but don't do anything to change it......then they don't want to or see a need to change. And there's nothing anyone can do about that - not even a loved one. Your first priority has to be taking care of your emotional needs. You've stated that you already find yourself withdrawing from him. It's not going to get better with time if he does not respond to your efforts to maintain a healthy dynamic in the relationship. I do sincerely wish you the best of luck in this situation, as I can relate and understand it's difficult, especially when you're already in love. I would hope your boyfriend becomes more responsive to your efforts, but I have yet to see someone truly change themselves for the sake of another person. He has to want to change his behavior for intrinsic reasons - that's the only kind of motivation that will make the changes stick.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I'm sorry I didn't realize it was hard to read. I couldn't edit it above but here it is again: I've been perfectly happy in my relationship for the past 9 months ive been dating my boyfriend but recently his anger issues and other things that he's been doing are making me question his integrity as a person. I am in college and get busy sometimes and the other night went to study at one of my best friends houses (who happens to be male) and he was texting me and got mad because I wasn't responding right away. He knows this guy is an extremely good friend of mine and I told him I was studying but I failed to mention it was at his house. He later got upset because of that and the next day treated me coldly while he was at work. He said he was busy but in the morning told me he was upset over what happened last night. I told him what had happened and I was just studying and asked why he's getting so upset. And he said hes tired of finding out at later points that I'm doing something else than I say I am. I asked him why hes never mentioned that before and he just gets all pissy saying he's done with this argument and I already made my excuses about last night and the issue was resolved. But he continued to treat me coldly, replying sarcastically to my messages and being just downright rude. The other week I found out that he was in communication with his ex still and one night while he was drunk at 5 am tried to hang out with her. He apologized and blamed it on the alcohol, said he would never act on it and he regretted it the second he saw those messages in the morning, and I forgave him, but that was strike 1 for me. Now the way he talked to me today is making realize that he is not a very nice man when he gets upset and I was very hurt by his comments and attitude. I don't need to take that from anybody he upset me so much that I cried in my room instead of focus on my school work which is what I needed to do that day. This was sort of strike 2. I love him because we have gone through many wonderful moments and he's been wonderful to me for 9 whole months but recently I am seeing a different side to him. The strange thing is that he pulled this double personality thing on me and as soon as I confronted him about it he softened up and I told him how his attitude hurt me and he apologized. But there was something very wrong in the way he handled the situation. Something I have seen him do with others but never with me. We don't really fight, but thats because I'm a very agreeable person and don't care about many things, he on the other hand believes he is always right. Doesn't give anyone else a change. I don't really know how to deal with this because I don't want to throw away 9 whole months of a happy relationship, but I'm not so sure I want to be with somebody like that. I used to think of him as amazing, cute, with a lot of love and endearment. After the other day I just don't know...I'm kind of scared my perception of him has changed forever.... what do you guys think? Are these deal breakers or am I being sensitive? Keep in mind that obviously at the beginning of a relationship I would run for the hills, but its been 9 long months of wonderful, amazing times and now these two things happened so close together? I would think that maybe he's lost interest or something except after both incidents he apologized deeply and has acted extra sweet to make up for it...but it doesn't really make up for it does it?
loveo Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I can't read your posts because there's no paragraphs! Its just a big block of text thats impossible to read. You need to have consideration for the effort the reader is putting into your problem if you expect help yup, You'd better keep that in mind.
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