round1 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I just need to sound out on the white page and prehaps get some comfort from those that have walked in my shoes. Past history is in my previous posts. I am going through hell really. I am waiting for my sessions to be confirmed with the therapist so i can get some sense out of all the recent events. But in the mean time, i have finally just cried and cried. Im tired , around the time MM told his W about the affair i was going live with my new buisness. Doing exams, which i have the final text for next week. I also have another job and i am a single mother, so a little child that needs my attention as early stages at school , home work , after school stuff etc. It was a full on time and i had been wiping MM tears and dealing with his off loading and his troubles. I feel immense pressue juggling all this daily stuff as underneath i need to scream , cry , have time out, i need more time in the day even to get all the jobs done! Gosh i am not feeling sorry for myself , but i feel i have had no time to think over the past month. i am going from moment to moment. The guilt i feel is still there, the sadness over the miscarriage, i am actually greiving him, i miss him ..i do NOT want to , because he treated me in the end so so bad. I am almost forcing myself to not miss him I do not want to off load on my family, i know they are worrying and i guess they just want me to see me cope. And sadly i wish he was here, to tell all this too The man who caused me so much pain. I can not work that out. I have removed myself from the school run to remove myself from seeing her everyday and him. I think that has helped me. I wish i didnt care about what he feels or thinks, but i still find myself wondering, if he feels any guilt, any sadness. I know his marriage is his focus , so i figure they forget you in an instant, i also respect he made a choice in the end to keep his family. I am (i think) ok and understand that. But i do , if i am being honest think about it, rather too much. I just dont know and i guess i will never know? what was real and what was bull crap in this year and half. and that is quite difficult as i feel i am a person who needs to know things. Understand things and not being able to , is very destorying. I also did not think i was a person who needed a man, i havent ever, i didnt feel i was low in self esteem , i have lots of get up and go and feel very confident. Attractive and a nice person. I am not a giver , a walk over, i believe i know when someone is taking me for a fool. However i let a part of myself be pushed aside, i never felt my problems were as bad as his, and he had tons, and i felt he needed the support and that i would be fine. I didnt need his support, i would cope, It was him that was struggling and sad, and busy and blah blah. Why did i do that ? I dont know I guess this is all therapy stuff. I am just having a terrible day. (again) and i think i expect to be ok. I keep crying, i feel anxious all the time and i and really angry. Short tempered. I am going back to my exercise next week, maybe that will help I am now waffling, i told you , no point to my thread, just need to stop my crying some how! My son loves me and i feel i failed him by having an affair, that makes me really sad. I picked a man that would never be in his life. What was i thinking , I could not have been thinking. But i did give my heart to this man, i cared with my heart for him. And for that i am sad, sad he felt the need to rip it to shreds. I was there for him through his toughest , exciting, happy, sad ..etc times But i guess any relationship breakup you feel this. Affairs just seem that much harder, because you never get the end of the relationship talk. YOu get left with heartache, and what if's and the worst, what was real and what was fake. It sucks. Thanks for reading this , if you have!
JaneyAmazed Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Not that this will help you right now, but everything you're going through and feeling is normal...so normal. Don't try to force yourself to not miss him. Try not to think too much though about what he's thinking or feeling because that is just one burden you don't need to carry. Let the tears fall, because over time, they will come and go... but the sting won't be a great as it is now. It takes a long time to heal, and going to therapy is an excellent way to sort out your feelings. If it weren't for IC, I think I'd be a lot worse off than I am. Things seem overwhelming now, but in time, the anxiety will decrease. You will find a new "normal" and you will so thankful to not be in affair.
Choose Life Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I'm really sorry you are going through so much, and yes I can relate. There is no shortcut to resolving your feelings, burying them doesn't help. You just need to work through them to get to the otherside. It's so hard to accept, but I have found the first step was forgiving myself, and showing myself some misplaced love. You should really check out a site called Baggage Reclaim, serioulsy that site really put a lot in perspective for me. Good luck, and look after you.
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