anne23 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hi -- I have been with my bf for a while; things between us have evolved v. slowly over 3 years - we are in love; It is not my intention to get into all the details here, but in general, if you don't do it all the time, is it ok to express insecurity? I know it's not an "attractive" thing to do; but, I was feeling insecure last night, and I told him; and I expressed how much I loved him; I don't do that all the time; I am just having a hard time trusting myself, and analyzing everything I do, like "did I do that right?" ... I am so in love with him, and it is scary for me; I wanted to him to know how i was feeling, because I want to be my authentic self; now I feel like an idiot -- love is scary; I am scared - scared of not being in control, not knowing what is going to happen with "us" ... I know guys don't like the relationship talk ... I know it's not attractive; but I even took a step back last night and tried "watching myself" ... but I kept talking anyway; it was like "word vomit" ... I wasn't crying or hysterical or anything ... I just asked a couple of R questions, and told him that I was feeling insecure; and that I missed him this week more than usual, and that I loved him very much.
vsmini Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 It is - to an extent. It is perfectly healthy to be ok to trust your partner with expressing insecurity about things. If you have to hide the way you feel so you come off as this superhuman, perfect being then you're in trouble. Sure being jealous at times and insecure about yourself can be a little unattractive but if you are in a good relationship it shouldn't be a big deal at all. Everyone feels that way at one point and it's silly for anyone to deny it. I suggest that if your insecurities are more frequent then you should vent to your girlfriends or family as well. Spread the talks around so you don't drown one person with them. A little insecurity never hurt anyone and it certainly should not hurt a truly good relationship.
Author anne23 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 thank you .... you are right. I don't do it often with him at all; and if the man loves me it shouldn't change anything. I want to spend my life with him; he has not made that life long commitment to me yet ... it's been 3 years; i can't be afriad of being myself. I am just very weepy today
vsmini Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Are you feeling insecure about the way he feels about you? Has it been 3 years and he hasn't shown any interest in getting married one day? Because that is an entirely new can of worms.
grkBoy Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I think it's fine to have moments of insecurity with a loved one. Just don't let it become constant baggage that drives him/her away.
Author anne23 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Well, that's why I didn't want to get into all the details ... I don't know what is going to happen with us ... there is no life long commitment, yet; I actually do believe that he loves me; I do want more; I am running out of patience; but I have been healthy about it ... I am starting to open myself up to meeting other people; hey, you can't drag someone to the plate, and I don't believe in ultimatums. I am just in pain because I wish I didn't have to move forward ... but I do, for myself, and I am scared. I am with him because I want to be, and can't get mad at him or try to force him to do anything ... I want to be married, and I am in love with him - that is my issue; I am going to just let him be himself and whatever will happen will complete itself on it's own ... but it's hard; it's very hard to wish you could control something when you know you can't ... it's hard when you are in love ... anyway, so after this long, if he can't handle me expressing some insecurity, which hey - anyone in my position would feel "insecure" and kind of be running out of steam at this point ... then ... then what ... I don't know ... I feel like crying right this second.
zengirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 If done in the right way and at the right time, it's fine. You have been together awhile, so the timing isn't so much the issue (I mean, don't break into tears when you're out on the town or anything) so it's more about the way. Expressing how you feel in a calm, collected, affectionate manner is very different from letting it infect fights or freaking out or getting emotional or getting distant. It's all about how you do it.
vsmini Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Well, that's why I didn't want to get into all the details ... I don't know what is going to happen with us ... there is no life long commitment, yet; I actually do believe that he loves me; I do want more; I am running out of patience; but I have been healthy about it ... I am starting to open myself up to meeting other people; hey, you can't drag someone to the plate, and I don't believe in ultimatums. I am just in pain because I wish I didn't have to move forward ... but I do, for myself, and I am scared. I am with him because I want to be, and can't get mad at him or try to force him to do anything ... I want to be married, and I am in love with him - that is my issue; I am going to just let him be himself and whatever will happen will complete itself on it's own ... but it's hard; it's very hard to wish you could control something when you know you can't ... it's hard when you are in love ... anyway, so after this long, if he can't handle me expressing some insecurity, which hey - anyone in my position would feel "insecure" and kind of be running out of steam at this point ... then ... then what ... I don't know ... I feel like crying right this second. Good for you. It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders and you aren't blind to anything that's happening (or not happening) in your relationship. Sounds like you're realistic to a very healthy degree. Good luck.
Richard Friedman Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 From a woman it can be a bit cute/endearing. As a man though I've learned from experience that showing insecurity to a woman your involved with is a bad idea. Save it for your mother.
Author anne23 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 I don't necessarily agree with you, Richard. I have had men express insecurity to me before - 2 different reactions. One guy I loved, and wanted things to work out with ... when he told me he felt insecure about something, I respected him for being authentic, was empathetic, and was more considerate (not that I was every inconsiderate, but I became more aware to what he was sensitive about); One guy, I was on the fence about, actually, I knew I didn't want to spend my life with him, and I did let the R linger longer that it should have ... I told him I didn't see a future with us .. .anyway, when he expressed his insecurity, and tried to convince me about why we should be together, I wanted to throw up ...
Recommended Posts