lostandconfused79 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I been staying at home with our daughter, she is three months old. Over the years I have had many surgeries for a form of periodontal disease I have.I been in pain for a long time, and been waiting for the day to come to be done with this. I talked to my husband about this and he said we could go to the dentist and get the inside of my mouth fixed. I was so thrilled! I should have known not to get my hopes up. A few days before my visit, I asked him why he still has not done the paper work for the loan, for the surgery. He got really mad at me and started yelling at me, and pushed me into a wall, and put his hands around my neck. He said many cruel things to me. He looked me in the eyes, and said "I'm not going to do this for you". So I asked him why would you do this to a person? Say you will do something, and then screw me over, when I am making a huge adjustment to stay home with our daughter. Why would you put your hands on a women? He even agreed it's not right to do. He controls everything, and everything is in his name. So the past few days he has been acting like a jerk to me. Still being rude, he even has taken my house key, and car key from me. I never ask him for anything! I go without all the time. He never gives me any money, because I do babysit on the side, he acts like that few dollars is what I'm supposed to live on. Last night I asked him for my keys back. He would not give them to me. So I got hold of his. Told him when you give mine back I will give yours back. So he gets up grabs me puts my arm behind my back and bent my wrist. Why is he doing these things? I'm hurt because I know I will be in pain until I can get the surgery myself. I'm also blown away with how he is treating me. I have our baby and my stuff packed! I am serious about leaving. He wants to talk when he gets home from work today. But honest you guys, I can't even look at him. So what do I do? What do I say to someone who is acting like this? Usually he treated me well. I can't hold any food down I'm so upset, and I can't stop crying. I did tell him the only way I would stay with him is if he sees someone for his anger. I just need some advice? Thank you for reading.
KathyM Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Take your child and go live with your mother, or your sister, or friend. This man is volatile and out of control. He is not safe to be around. Don't try to reason with him at this point. He is behaving very irrationally and is abusive. If you have no one you can stay with, then find a shelter for battered women, and go with your child to that. Your safety is in danger. Don't try to confront him or reason with him. Just leave. Pack up your stuff and that of your child, and leave. Until he gets the help he needs to control himself, he is not safe to be around at all.
Mack05 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 lostandconfused you need to leave this relationship and FAST! I would consider going to the police, so that they have a record of previous indiscretions. This man is a violent controlling bully. A pathetic coward. This will get worse before it gets better. It's time to put plans in place the ensure your safety and that of your daughter. Hopefully you can stay with family and friends until you get set-up. Staying in this relationship is extremely dangerous and there are NO justification(s) for saying with this horrible man. Cowards like him make my blood boil. No man should ever lay his hands on a woman... Please forget about trying to figure out why he does what he does. Get out and never look back. If you don't you will regret it for the rest of your life.
TheDovic Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 This guy is an emotional and physical abuser! I bet he does things like this a lot, then comes to his senses and is extremely sorry and does nice things for you, then the tension begins to rise again before he lashes out once more! This is called the cycle of abuse! I am a social worker and deal with losers like this all of the time, and guess what? It WON'T change, so DON'T kid yourself that it will!!! Has he started to isolate you from your friends and family yet? If not, I bet he will. I also bet he hasn't always been like this. He was super nice at the start right? That's because abusers are master manipulators. I don't know where you're from, but if it's the uk you should really think about contacting "Women's Aid." I'm not sure what the US equivalent of this is. But give this serious thought. I know you're probably thinking, "he's not that bad OR I provoke OR he's really nice sometimes" but here's the reality - he will continue to do these things and it will only get worse. Plus the reason he is like this is 100% HIS fault, so don't take the blame. I promise you this. The longer you stay with him the more he will try to contol you and test your boundaries until you or your child get really hurt. Interesting fact, over time domestic abusers turn their attention to the children too, so if you don't do this for yourself, think about your child. Some emotional and physical abuse can cause irreversable damage to children, so get out before it's too late. Furthermore, children notice what's going on whether you want to believe this or not, and witnessing domestic violence causes serious emotional damage to children.
Author lostandconfused79 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 I am planning on leaving this man. He is trying to ruin my life, and I can't stand for it any longer. I been going to college, but he has taken away my car so I can't get there. Where I live it's not like the city where I can just take a bus. I been really trying to deal with this whole situation until I was finished with school. Looks like that is not going to happen. I did talk to him some last night, to be honest I could care less what he has to say. He is being deployed here before long. While he is gone is my chance to get out of here. I don't have access to the bank account he controls all money. So all I have been able to do is set aside a little money, from babysitting. Kathy, I wish I could go live with my mother or sister. My mom was never in my life, I was raised by my dad, he has since passed. My sister is a drug addict, I have not talked to or seen her in years. I was supposed to go see my aunt this weekend. Without my car that is not possible. While I was there I was going to talk to my family about coming back to my home state, and staying with them, so I can get out of this relationship. My aunt and I are close in age, and we are close. I know she would do anything for me if she could. So she is my way! I just need to talk to her about it, away from him. She has no idea what is going on! She is going to flip when I tell her.
Mack05 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) wow what amazing courage you are showing lostandconfused. So many people would just take the safe option and stay. Your daughter will thank you in years to come. The courts will make him pay alimony towards the upbringing of your daughter and hopefully when you get divorced, you will get what you are entitled to. I wish you well, I only wish I could help you out somehow. You are going to need that enormous courage in the coming months. Can't image this 'man' making it easy for you to leave him. Edited October 13, 2011 by Mack05
TheDovic Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 You're showing a lot of strength, but it will ultimately be the most important thing you ever do. Please keep in touch to let us know how you get on. Good luck
Zabs Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I gotta ask you.... what support have you got at the moment honey? You need to have both emotional and practical support like Dovic suggested!! I am a survivor of DV and I can tell you from expereince...it doesn't get any better until they are ready to change...and to that end...mine did not. He is still the abusive, manipulative selfish, sponging, controlling, jealous etc he ever was...but now I see him for what he is. He is disaffected. He always will be until he finds a backbone and realisers the abused don't HAVE to become the ABUSER... The demons these individuals have...they will pass onto their children...that's why I got away fro him top speed after a house fire...caused by him...where I had our 5 month old child in my arms and one hand in my pocket...he hit me, whilst in the corner of the room and I almost dropped my SOn onto the corner of the washing machine!!!1 It is all about them. You, the children...everything is secondary. He will tell you that he does this because he loves you so much...he will tell you that you (in some convoluted way) forced his hand, he will tell you he will top himself if you leave him.... I think another poster posted this concept on another thread but....remember the Wizard of Oz...he was all knowing, all powerful....until they pulled the screen hiding his magar, vulnerable, human self.... We are all here for you lost...don't isolate yourself...it's the worst thing you can do...but equally...don't let him know you are accessing any support either...he sounds like a volatile individual...if not, collectively, perhaps we could come up with some self defence tactics for ya...after all the beatings I got, I know plenty! Zabs xx
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