This is so incredibly hard!!!!

[heartache1]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm going to try and make this as brief as possible, as I'm keen to get advice asap, as I'm really not coping too well.

 

Relationship, 10 years, 2 children. We haven't had the perfect relationship, he has left a few times, saying he feels we're not working, I always took him back cos he'd come back saying he'd made a huge mistake etc. Last year, I actually left him, as I felt lilke I was getting older, but no further on in my life. He begged me back, literally begged. Said he'd changed and I believed him. We got back together, and within 6 months he'd broken my heart by swapping phone numbers with a girl....I only found out cos she text when I was there. He was sooo sorry, said he'd never do it again, and we started going to counselling to try and resolve it....this was about 3 months ago.

 

We were having a bumpy time lately, money worries, general stresses etc and I noticed he was treating me bad. Being moody around me, not having any patience for the sound of my voice etc. One night I asked why he was acting in such a way, and pointed out what I was experiencing and he said that he didn't love me anymore. This was a Thursday night. On the Saturday morning, I asked if he felt the same, he said yes, so I asked that he move out, as it was too painful for him to stay. So he did.

 

The following week, I did a naughty thing and went into his FB account and found that he'd actually met up with a girl on the Sunday...the day after he left!!! And was planning to see her again. I confronted him about this and he swore he met her the Saturday night....I'm not convinced, it feels too quick. There were other conversations about a girl they'd met the week before, not sure what happened with her, but I think phone numbers were exchanged....we were together then.

 

So here we are, 11 days since he moved out, and I am a mess. I have lost a stone, am on anti depresssants and signed off from work. I have tried not to see him because of the children, but on Saturday night he had to stay over here as I was going out (he is staying on a sofa at the moment, so kids can't go stay with him). Other times he has been dropping/picking the kids from outside the house, as when I see his face or hear his voice I become weak and cannot stop crying.

 

On Sunday, he was here with the kids after I returned from my night out, and I had a chat with him. He said he was 110% sure about his decision and he hadn't missed me and he just didn't see me in "that" way anymore. This hurt soooo bad. He assures me it's not about anyone else (I disagree) and that if there are girls on the scene, it's as a distraction (why would he need one if he was so sure).

 

Like I said, he has left before, but has always come back after 2-3 months. I don't know whether there have been girls on the scene before, but I now suspect it, because his attitude when he first left before, is the same as it is now, completely uncaring and not bothered about me whatsoever, it's so clear it's in his face!

 

I do feel this time is more final, he's never said he doesn't love me before, and that really hurts. I'm suffering from rejection symptoms so badly. I haven't contacted him at all since Sunday, bar to reply to a text about the children. Prior to that I was texting him whenever my heart panged....most nights and early hours of the morning.

 

I want him back. I have realised where I went wrong, but I have no idea how I can attempt to get him back if talking/seeing him causes me so much pain, and the rejection I feel from his texts is awful, so I literally cannot have any contact for my own wellbeing. Am I best off continuing with the no contact to hope he misses me? Or shall I let him know how I feel? I am of course worried about this other person. Whether she has been on the scene longer than I suspect or not, she is a distraction and she is probably making him feel all "loved up" (actually he used those words to describe how he felt about her to his friend)...so I fear that I have no chance whilst she is on the scene, but what can I do about that?

 

I have joined a dating site, for pure rebound reasons. My confidence has been shattered and I need to hear nice things from other men. I don't know whether I'll end up meeting anyone, but I need to do something to heal this pain, as wallowing around in my bed all day simply isn't helping.

 

Any advice on this would be much appreciated.

 

Will I get him back?

 

Does he really not love me?

 

How do I ease my pain?

 

What can I do to turn this situation around?

 

Many thanks xx

[geegirl]

I'm sorry you are going through this heartbreak. 10 years and 2 kids with someone is a lot of history.

 

The thing is, you left him once feeling you were getting older and not any further than when you started. You're still in that same place a year later. So why would you want someone like him back? He was getting phone numbers from other women while you were both still together. That is who he is. Breaking up with you repeatedly? Is that the type of security you want in a relationship?

 

You want him back now because you're desperate. You're afraid of being abandoned and it's not because you're losing the love of a good man. You're settling.

 

Do you really believe that this is a healthy relationship to be in? Do you think that even if you got back together again, he would stay forever and never get up and leave again? Do you believe that even if he "loved" you, he would be what you deserve?

 

The thing is, his love is not a love you can depend on. It's shallow and empty. It's not loyal. It's not deep. It's not trustworthy. And he's shown you time and time again, that he is a cheat. Whether he is with another woman now, it doesn't matter because most likely he was with other women before. It doesn't change the fact that he is not the type of man you should want in your life, nor should you ever settle for.

 

"Will I get him back?" Exactly what will you be wanting to get back. Read your post again on how he treated you and ask yourself if that is what you want back. Don't think with your heart, but with your brain.

 

Stay away from him and NC. If he comes back, trust me that you will go through the same thing again. And if you accept him back, that is an indication to him that you will tolerate and accept deplorable behavior and he will continue to do that to you. Break the cycle.

[heartache1]

Just another mini rant I need to add onto this. This morning, I had gone onto his Facebook to try and copy a picture for some cards I am making, and I noticed that he has edited his profile pics to remove me and an album for my birthday was also removed and an album containing our weekend walks was gone. I got instantly furious and text him and he said he was just removing pics of himself that didn't look too good. I mentionned my birthday album and the weekend walks album (which he wasn't even in, just me and kids) and he didn't reply. So I got suspicious that perhaps he was having a clearout for someone he was about to add. Low and behold, he adds someone this evening, who looks about 21 (I must add that the girls I mentionned in my first post, were also early 20's - he is 34).

 

Is this a mid life crisis? What is going on? The pain that is ripping through my heart is immense. I actually drafted an email to the girl to ask how she knows him and to inform her that he walked out less than 2 weeks ago saying it has nothing to do with other girls and was dating someone else the next day and has since joined a dating site! I calmed down before sending it, and thought that it may not be the best idea, but I'm so furious that he can walk out on us, leave the kids in tears and me absolutely dying inside, to run around with girls who are so much younger than him.

 

Please, I really need some words of wisdom here before I start texting him like mad. I simply cannot cope with this pain. Where is the respect for me and our relationship? How could he move on that quickly? I understand that in his mind the relationshiph was probably over for a while, but he could've done the decent thing and told me instead of leading me on and then exposing me to this kind of pain!!

 

Is this common for men to do?? Is he trying to prove that he can pull younger girls? What is it all about, please?? I'm gutted here, because he said he never wanted anymore kids, but he will end up having more kids now with the ages of these girls and I really cannot bear the fact that he will neglect our two boys even more than he already has.

 

I am in panic mode right now, I need to breathe and calm down, cos I will end up doing something I will regret. It's so hard having to have contact cos of the kids, I wish I could just never see him ever again.

[geegirl]

I don't think a mid-life crisis starts at that age. I think it's men in their 40s. I could be wrong.

 

What I don't understand is your surprise and shock that he is with other women? He was doing this while in an R with you. What do you not see?

 

He had no loyalty and care towards you and the kids while he was with you, so why are you expecting him to have it now? You're trying to force him to feel something he just cannot do. You are wanting him to be a responsible father and partner when he's not shown you that ability. So why do you still keep expecting it? He was running with women when he was with you. You know why he does it? Because you taught him that it was okay. You caught him and you swept it under the rug. That teaches him that you will tolerate deplorable behavior. So if you text him, what do you think he's going to say or feel? Nothing. He won't give a damn. If he can do this and has no conscience, he does not care what you feel. There is no one here to blame but you for allowing him to do what he did and having no boundaries, whatsoever.

 

You want to text him and say what? Why? Again, he does not care. Don't think or feel that he thinks and feels like you do. He never respected the R when he was with you, why would he do it now? How can he move on? He was never fully invested in the first place so it was shallow. Decent thing? He was cheating on you. Cheaters don't think about doing the decent thing.

 

I don't know what he's trying to do but he has his freedom and he's going to do what he's always done...and that's women.

 

Please don't contact him. If he is so disrespectful and uncaring towards you and your kids, and HE IS SHOWING YOU, do you think he cares about what you think and feel? NO.

[heartache1]

I do get your point, but he wasn't always like this. We had up's and down's, admittedly, he never seemed to know what he wanted, and would have an "episode" every few years. He took someone's number at a wedding and it was after that, when he couldn't find any reason why, that we agreed counselling. He wasn't honest in counselling, he couldn't have been, cos I think not loving someone would be quite a major factor in how he treated me how he did, but he didn't see it, until the weekend after he went out on a lads night and I suspect got someones number and then probably decided that he couldn't love me to be behaving this way. I suppose he has been fair in that sense, but to leave and be dating so quickly. To remov pics of me from his Facebook so he can look like the long term single man to some young girls?! It just hurts so bad, and I'm ranting here to prevent me from ranting to him or crying. I know he doesn't care, but sometimes that desire to text or call is overwhelming.

 

He is a good dad, but he doesn't think people should stay together for the sake of the kids. He is still seeing them, and he helps as much as he can when they get upset, but he's not here at bedtimes, so he doesn't get the brunt of it like I do. I personally don't think any young girls should come before his kids, but he's saying it has nothing to do with them, it's his feelings for me that caused this and what he is doing now is what he can do cos he's single. I just feel so let down that it's so quick and I don't know how to control my emotions. NC is so hard with kids, I have to talk to him, so should I be nice or moody or horrible, I just don't know how to act. This is alien to me.

[heartache1]

Just one last thing.....can I email her to ask how she knows him? If she tells me they were seeing each other before we split, then perhaps I'll have more strength. I just hate being in the dark, I hate not knowing what he's done. He denies having any contact with women before he left, but I don't believe him and I can't bear not knowing the truth. I feel like I'm being taken for a fool. Why should she get to join his Facebook and see all his pics without me in cos he's deleted them to make way for her?? If he's being that sneaky, I feel that he's lied to her, so why can't I let her know exactly what he has been upto?? Why should he be lying to her to feather his own bed?

 

I'm looking for advice here, so if you don't think I should email her, then I won't. But I really feel so strongly about it.

[geegirl]

He may not have always been like that but for what you just said, he's wired to stray. He couldn't commit fully to you. Couldn't commit to his feelings. Couldn't commit to counseling. He is dating so quickly because his level of emotional attachment to you is gone. He's detached and probably has been for awhile. That's why he can remove you so easily and I am sorry for saying this.

 

I don't believe parents should stay together for kids. Kids flourish better with two happy parents that are apart rather than two unhappy parents living under the same roof. And trust me kids can sense negativity and unhealthy behaviors and you don't want children growing up in that kind of environment. You can't expect him to have the same priorities you have when it comes to your kids. If women come first, you have no control over that. It's painful, I understand but what else can you do. You can't force him to be something he does not want to be. Just be civil with him because of the kids and nothing more or less.

 

Keep posting here and venting. Just don't text or call him. Can you go and stay with family to get some support? Do you have friends that you can call and talk to? I know you are hurting. I am sorry.

[geegirl]

Listen to your gut and you know the truth. You don't need to email this woman. What if she says no, would you believe her or still listen to your gut and what you truly know? If she says yes, then she is just reiterating what you already know. Honestly, you know the truth. He strayed then and he is now, accept he has left the R and he feels entitled to do whatever he wants. You want her to say NO so that that will help validate your hopes that you mean something to him and that he still cares. You're in denial. "Say it isn't so." "This is not how it's supposed to be." "I know he could never do this to me." The sad part is that he has shown you time and time again who he really is. You just didn't want to see.

 

Even if you told her what he is about, she won't listen. She just like you, is taken, blinded. She will look at you as the bitter ex. She will go and tell him and he will smooth it out with her and will alienate you even more. He will butter her up just like he buttered you up, and you fell for it and so will she.

Edited October 15, 2011 by geegirl

[sadprincess]

i truly believe him doing all these MEAN, INSENSTIVE acts (whole facebook thing) is a BAD feeling now, but shows the TRUTH of who this person is. I hate wishy washy men telling you they love you and is confused. PICK something. the fact he tried to erase you on a very public network shows something about him. I personally rather HATE someone than let that person just make me sad. You should delete him from your facebook.....talk to your friends...be active and make him see that HE 'S NOTHING and you've moved on. karma.

 

i deactivated my fb, and he did too. so i'm lucky i don't have to go thru that.

[heartache1]

OK, I have de-friended him. I blocked him last night, then I thought that was too easy for him for me to vanish, so I have unblocked him but defriended him, so he cannot see anything of mine. I sadly can still still his stuff, so I need to get strength to not go nosing. If I can't stop myself, then I'm just going to deactivate myself, which is a shame, cos this is how I chat to alot of family and friends at night.

 

I know what you're both saying, when I'm having a strong moment, I realise that the way he has treated me speaks volumes about his lack of feelings to me.....but when I have a weak moment, my gut aches, I want to sob and scream and ask WHY a million times. Even if his feelings went, where did the respect go? Out of respect, would you not just wait a while...he has his whole life now, what's the rush.

 

I can't describe the hurt I'm going through, I guess everyone on here knows what it feels like. I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get over it. 10 years is a long time, and I feel I'm now going to spend most of the next decade getting over it. I can't imagine myself with anyone else, EVER. I really feel that life is not worth living, I'm so so sad. I'm not suicidal, I have kids that I care about, but I am not able to be strong right now. The anti depressants are useless, the doctor said they would lift my mood so I could get through the hard parts - the hard parts are NOW, but I'm now getting through them at all! I'm signed off work and have no desire to go back. I literally want to stay in bed all day. Weekends are hardest, cos I know he would usually be here and we'd be having fun family days. But I know he'll now be out with one of his many little things, and that hurts like I can't explain.

[geegirl]

It's not about you being too easy to vanish in his eyes Heart. Do you think he even cares? If you don't care for your own well-being, no one will. These are games you're playing. Block him. It's self-destructive to want to touch that hot pot even when you know it will burn you. Everytime you want to go and check his FB, you are literally taking a knife and stabbing yourself. Why? It's not enough that you have suffered so much and he has put you through so much? No enough?

 

Respect? Getting another woman's number when he was with you, was that respect? If there is no love, there is no respect. All part and parcel of an R. He is a selfish man. What would make you think that he would want to wait to guard your feelings. He never guarded them even when the two of you were together. What's the rush? He never wanted commitment and to be tied down and to be loyal and faithful. Why would you think he would be sitting at home moping? He wanted it then and he wants it now, the freedom to do whatever he wants.

 

It's going to take time Heart. The thing is after much time has passed, the love will subside and your mind will take over and when you see the reality of him (which you can't now), you will detach faster. If you really believe this is the best that you can get, you are wrong. You are grieving a loss, yes 10 years is a long time. This are all normal feelings to have and the depression is going to hit you like a ton of bricks. I've been there. Are you seeing a therapist? Someone to talk to regularly so that you can work through your emotions and thoughts? I'm sorry. I know this is very hard and I may sound harsh but I want you to try and see this man for who he is. He is nothing. Even if he was with his little things, how do you think he will treat them? No different than he treated you. SO don't you once ever believe that they have a prize. In time you'll realize what a huge bullet you dodged. Granted you spent 10 years with him, investing anymore would have been a crime.

[M2155]

i truly believe him doing all these MEAN, INSENSTIVE acts (whole facebook thing) is a BAD feeling now, but shows the TRUTH of who this person is. I hate wishy washy men telling you they love you and is confused. PICK something. the fact he tried to erase you on a very public network shows something about him. I personally rather HATE someone than let that person just make me sad. You should delete him from your facebook.....talk to your friends...be active and make him see that HE 'S NOTHING and you've moved on. karma.

 

This is so true. I hate the "I'm confused" line. It usually means "I have some other options and I'm not sure the best way to get out of my current situation with the least trouble."

 

Do not deactivate you FB if you enjoy connecting to your friends family, that's giving him control. Block him, who cares if you "disappear", he doesn't. In fact, he's probably glad you are gone since he's moving on and you don't need the reminder. Put you first.

[heartache1]

Can anyone tell me how long it's going to take to get at least strong enough so I don't get a pang in my heart and want to cry? So I can get out of bed without a feeling of dread? I have no desire to do anything. I am depressed, I never ever thought I'd say it, but I am. I don't want to tidy the house, what's the point, no one's going to see it but me, infact, the only room I'm seeing right now is my bedroom. I am letting myself go, I cannot stop it. I'm doing what I can for my kids, but I'm not putting myself out, I can't...I sound like a defeatist, but I'm not, I just do not want to function. How long is this going to take?

 

When I have a moment of strength, I feel like I hate him and how he has treated me. But then I get weak and it all comes tumbling down and I can't breathe with the emotions I'm experiencing. I have deleted his number today and any calls, texts etc stored in my phone. I don't know it off by heart and should the children wish to call him, I can find it through trawling online through an old phone bill, but it's not something I'm going to be wanting to do first thing in the morning or last thing at night when I feel most likely to text him, so this for me is a good step.

 

I don't know what to do for the best. I fear nighttime, as I struggle to sleep and then once I'm awake, I'm awake, usually at 3am. I dread mornings, cos I can't bear to face the day. I am usually ok in the day, I can keep myself busy with the kids etc, but once they are asleep, I have no one, I'm bored and lonely, yet nothing occupies me.

 

Today I'm feeling less like "how can I get him back" and more like "when will this pain stop"......so that's a good step I suppose. I just want my strength back, I'm not a weak or needy person....well, I didn't think I was. I guess I tolerated his crap for years because I was scared of the other options. What a loser I am :-(

[M2155]

You're not a loser, you are grieving. That is normal, and it sucks:(

 

Hell I was in a barely 2 years long relationship and I never imagined I would have been that hurt, that much for that long so I can't imagine how you feel. I don't know any tips because I think the only thing you can do is suffer through this hard part and really truly believe that you deserve someone who is devoted and loyal to you. When you start to believe that, it won't stop the hurt/loss but you understand more why you are happy you had to leave the past behind.

Don't be to hard on yourself. It'll get better.