Mack05 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I have read so many posts on LS since the start of May (when I joined). For most of us letting go is an extremely hard and stressful process to go through. I used to read this everytime I was close to breaking NC (which was like hundreds of times). "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference" Every breakup is unique, the problems/issues maybe similar, but each breakup in itself is unique as are the people involved. We hear all the time about how "special" these relationships are. I have lost count of the number of LS posters describing their relationship as "special". This is a very true statement. We are all special, so when we meet someone that we consider to be 'special', then what we experience is an amazing and joyous period in our lives. When we lose that 'special' bond, it is truly utterly devastating. Our whole rational thought process goes out the window. I remember after my last breakup my mother/sister saying to me..."Mack you are not thinking clearly". I was saying to them "yes I am!" or "what the hell does that mean I'm not thinking clearly?". I now know what they meant by that. I have seen so many posters on LS get great from follow posters and completely ignore it. Why? Because they are not thinking rationally. The harsh reality is there is nothing you can do to get an ex back, when they leave. Here are a few rules I believe dumpee's should follow... 1) Begging, Pleading and Manipulating are an absolute NO NO. Your ex has made a decision to leave. This is their decision to make and if you respect them then you have to respect their decision. 2) If you truly love your ex then you put their needs above your own. You have to set them free. Too many people love how their ex's made them feel about themselves. This is not real love. Real love is putting your partners needs above your own. Even if that means they meet someone else. If they ask to be left alone, you leave them alone. 3) It's been said a million times on this site, but you have to go NC and stay NC. This is savage hard, but it is a must!Explain to you ex friendship is not an option and that you will not respond to them UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Ok if a family members of theirs dies then obviously u can't ignore but besides these rare occurences you have to stay NC at all times). You must not respond to breadcrumbs. When a dumper offers breadcrumbs, it is for their selfish reasons and you now need to take your ex off the high pedastal you put them on..They are putting their needs above yours (the opposite of real love) and any breadcrumb should be seen as a red flag. Not a potential opportunity to get back together. You must not checkup on Facebook/MSN/Twitter. In fact block them from these applications. How many threads have we seen asking the question "should I break NC?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... No contact is about your healing. It is a must to stay NC for 2 months. You have no idea how much you are helping yourself by doing this. 4) Feel your feelings. Don't avoid them. We focus on other people/rebound/over excessive drinking/eating etc etc because we are afraid to focus on our own feelings. Here is a great article on what I am referring to when I say "Feel your feelings" -> http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html 5) Focus on YOU! How many times do we read threads by LS members looking for explanations about their ex's behaviour. Eventually it will click that it doesn't matter. What matters is focusing on you and you alone. Going over questions endlessly is pointless as you will never get the clarity you seek. It is also very detrimental to your recovery. For me, if the woman I love leaves me in future, I will automatically go NC for 3 months (probably a good bit longer). I would use this time to better myself in everyway I can. Maybe Therapy, get in awesome physical shape, volunteering, etc etc etc, basically all positive steps. I will write down goals and achieve them. Is being positive easy when u feel like crap!?? Hell No!! but its that positivity that makes us strong people. It's going to the gym on a riany morning when we feel like never getting out of bed. It's voluntering on a Sunday, instead of lazying around the house. Those are the changes that make the real differences in our lives. It these postive changes that help us love ourselves again. When we love ourselves, we don't need validation or approval from anyone. When we love oursleves we know our ex's made the biggest mistakes of our lives by leaving us. When we love oursleves we attract the right kind of partner for us. After applying these positive steps over a 6 month period, you will know exactly where you stand. You will either have moved on and actually don't want your ex back, or you will love them more then ever. It is scenario B, I would write her one last letter. No begging or pleading. I would outline the things I felt I did wrong in the relationship and what I have done to correct those mistakes. I would explain the things (I feel) we need to change for us to make the relationship work better. I would explain the improvements that I made in my life. I would tell her that I love her and explain why my love for her is so unique and special and what I can offer her that no other man can. If she comes back then amazing!. More then likely she won't reply and I then have full closure. Not only that, I can start to fully move on with my life with 6 months positive changes under my belt. Not only that I will have dealt with the grief cycle in the correct way -> http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Stages-of-a-Break-Up&id=1705365 and http://kathrynvercillo.hubpages.com/hub/Relationships-Ending-The-Five-Stages-of-Grief Too many LS posters stay in what I call 'Limbo'. The longer you stay here the less you move on with your lives. We have only one shot at life. There are terminally ill, starving people all over the world, who would give anything to have the opportunites we have. Don't waste precious time grieving/obsessing over someone who will never deserve your love. Remember your ex left you. If you sit in a dark room feeling sorry for yourself, obsessing non stop about your ex, how does that help you? Let me answer that it doesn't. It's natural for the first few weeks to go over things endlessly, but this stage should only last a few weeks. Not many months as I see with many LS Posters. 6) Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. Once you can achieve this then you free yourself of the grip they have around you. You are free to move on with your life. No matter what your ex did to you, forgive them. By forgivign them we take away the power they have over us and give it back to ourselves. Forgive yourself means you stop beating yourself up over mistakes. You accept what has happened, forgive yourself and leave it in the past.. This is my favourite breakup song -> The song is called the Long Goodbye by Paul Brady. Some very wise and powerful lyrics below. I know they say if you love somebody You should set them free But it sure is hard to do It sure is hard to do I know they say if they don't come back again Then it's meant to be
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