Eclypse Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I'm finishing my bachelors degree in a few weeks. After that me and my girlfriend are going overseas for a holiday and when we get back I'll either be starting a Masters program or staying for an Honours year in my Bachelor degree. Either way things will be hairy since they are both quite intensive and my commute to the city every day is 2 hours. My gf lives on the opposite side of the city so we don't get to see each other that often, but at least I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and make future plans. So I was wondering do relationship dynamics change a lot once you move in together? I don't anticipate we'll be able to afford that just yet until we both get real jobs but it's something I'd like to work toward. I wonder how many couples break up after living together since they are incompatible. It seems like we are yin / yang at the moment but the longest we have ever spent together in one stretch was 2-3 days. I can be a bit of a slob sometimes Her room is immaculate and clean always. I just keep stuff everywhere. You should see my desk! It's not really a desk anymore. But yes, how many couples do find that living together drastically changes their relationship? Also I'm curious how it affects your sex life. At the moment we don't have sex that frequently. She says she doesn't feel comfortable doing it if parents or siblings are at home, so you can imagine how often we do it, as well she frequently just isn't in the mood even though we only see each other once a week. She promised we'll do it more often once we live together. I think that's the part that drives me the most to try move out.
grkBoy Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 You have to accept and embrace that your life isn't so much "you and her", but a "we", an "us". You're messy, she's a clean freak. Find a compromise...so you don't have leftovers rotting on the coffee table, but she won't get on your butt if your desk is cluttered. If you or her try to make this a battle of wills to dominate...you both will end up in breakup. Other than that, the relationship can only change for the bad if both of you let it. If dating suddenly stops, and "quality time" now only becomes watching TV and never going out...then this RL will fail.
january2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 nthing everything that grkBoy wrote. Keep the communication lines open and don't let things fester if there is something that you/she is unhappy with. You don't want a basic compromise conversation about leaving the toilet seat up/down to turn into a "you only ever think about what you want" slanging match. Be tactful and respectful but do not pretend that nothing's wrong just to keep the peace. That's a slippery road to resentment. Be open to suggestions about how you both want things to be: where things go, household routines and chores, who cooks dinner/who does the washing up, shared finances, having guests, who pays for what, sleep schedules and waking up times, what kind of food to buy, how often you have sex and when, etc. Come up with something fair that you are both happy with, where you don't feel like you've made too much of a sacrifice to reach a compromise. Review at a later date just to make sure that things are still ticking along nicely.
Author Eclypse Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys. Just gotta stress that this is my first relationship (although we have been dating a while), and moving in certainly won't be happening soon due to school / finances! I agree with her that I do need to be a bit neater. Actually I do clean up my room for her when she comes over, although it doesn't take long after she leaves for it to look like a hurricane went through. January we will have to discuss that at one point. I hadn't really thought stuff like sleep schedules before. I go to sleep late and wake up really early since my course is a lot more intensive than hers, but I guess by the time we live together we'll be waking up together most of the time. Grkboy funny you should mention dating. Most of our time together is actually spent at each others places. We go out sometimes but nowhere near as much as we used to when we began. It's interesting how gradual the change took place. Then again I don't really mind this arrangement, and neither do we. I'm lucky I stumbled upon someone as antisocial as me. I never really enjoyed going out before. As a single person I only did it to get drunk and hopefully hook up (which very rarely happened). We both just enjoy spending the day cuddling and talking. We so rarely see each other that we need quality time. I like it a lot, and I hope it doesn't get boring a few years down the track.
veggirl Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Also I'm curious how it affects your sex life. At the moment we don't have sex that frequently. She says she doesn't feel comfortable doing it if parents or siblings are at home, so you can imagine how often we do it, as well she frequently just isn't in the mood even though we only see each other once a week. She promised we'll do it more often once we live together. I think that's the part that drives me the most to try move out. RED FLAG. This (her "not being in the mood") will not change once you move in together. It will probably be worse, given that since you'll be living together she can just say "oh, we can do it tomorrow" and so on and so forth.
Author Eclypse Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 RED FLAG. This (her "not being in the mood") will not change once you move in together. It will probably be worse, given that since you'll be living together she can just say "oh, we can do it tomorrow" and so on and so forth. Nuts. That's the main issue we have. Personality wise everything we are 100% compatible it's just the sex that's the issue. I have a high sex drive and hers is low. It can be like pulling teeth to get her to do it sometimes, but it's enjoyable once we do it. She said one we move in together we can do it twice a week, and if things are good maybe three times. I don't know how serious she was being...
Dusk1983 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) It can be like pulling teeth to get her to do it sometimes, but it's enjoyable once we do it. She said one we move in together we can do it twice a week, and if things are good maybe three times. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the above. Honestly. You're only currently seeing each other twice a week, and she's already making you sit, wait and beg like a dog for a treat? "You've been a good boy. I'll have reluctant sex with you 3 times this week." This girl either doesn't desire you, she doesn't respect you, or both. Edited October 13, 2011 by Dusk1983
veggirl Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Nuts. That's the main issue we have. Personality wise everything we are 100% compatible it's just the sex that's the issue. I have a high sex drive and hers is low. It can be like pulling teeth to get her to do it sometimes, but it's enjoyable once we do it. She said one we move in together we can do it twice a week, and if things are good maybe three times. I don't know how serious she was being... Don't move in with her. If you aren't compatible sexually, it is never going to work. Are you going to want to spend the rest of your life trying to convince someone to have sex with you? And being told if you're good, you can get it one extra time? Honestly, your relationship will probably die out pretty quickly after moving in with each other, only once you live together it's harder to break up.
Pierre Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 The most important factor about living together is commitment. If there is no firm commitment then living together will bring an end to the relationship and ENDINGS are much worse when the couple lives together. She will throw you out or you will throw her out (depends on who is leasing the apartment). Frigidity early on is a very bad sign. I was having sex 3 times a week after 20 years of marriage. At the onset it was daily for a very long time. I suspect she may be anorgasmic and therefore does not care for sex. She probably needs a medical evaluation. Do not move in together. It will be suicidal!!!!!
KathyM Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 As I've said before on this mb, moving in together while single is often a relationship killer because then all the petty annoyances that come with living together can damage the relationship, and it's just too easy to throw in the towel and break up over petty things when you are not married.
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 She says she doesn't feel comfortable doing it if parents or siblings are at home, so you can imagine how often we do it, as well she frequently just isn't in the mood even though we only see each other once a week. She promised we'll do it more often once we live together. TBH, if I was faced with this, and was considering this person for cohabitation/marriage, I'd plan a lovely romantic dinner out and get a hotel room and let what happens happen. If I wasn't satisfied with the results, end of relationship. If you're young enough to be unable to reserve and occupy a hotel room, you shouldn't be thinking about cohabitation in the first place, or even dating in a serious way. Experience life first. Topically, moving in together once we were married didn't affect our relationship at all. After 18 months of dating and being engaged, we knew the superficial stuff and had handled the minor power struggles. Of course, that was a good 20 years after I was able to rent a hotel room, so a different stage of life. I'll co-sign Pierre's advice. Good luck
Hot Chick Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Yes, I kind of agree. You are going on a trip to Europe together you stated.....this should give you several days of romance. If she pulls the "Oh I'm tired from traveling" etc. on the holiday, I would look into breaking up. It sounds like you are in a college program which will earn you a high-paying position and it is possible your girlfriend is blind-sighted by the prospects of the perfect diamond engagement ring, perfect house, white picket fence, etc. benefits of being eventually married to a successful career man instead of what marriage should be about - love, romance, and partnership. She might think she is madly in love, but the sex part doesn't match that. So the trip will kind of be like the "romantic hotel room" idea. They say that you see your partner's true colors when you travel together, and I agree with that! Edited October 13, 2011 by Hot Chick
Imageiko Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I can be a bit of a slob sometimes Her room is immaculate and clean always. I just keep stuff everywhere. You should see my desk! I have a feeling this will become an issue unless it's addressed. If you don't come up with some kind of compromise you are going to start resenting each other.
zengirl Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I have never in my life had sex in my parents house, and I never would. It's one reason I never slept with my BF in HS. I find it REALLY disrespectful. So, I can understand her not wanting to have sex when her folks or siblings are around. That's not odd to me at all. The time on holiday should tell you if this problem would potentially improve with moving in.
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 OP, while on this holiday, where will you be staying? Take it from an old fart, the quantity of sex never gets any better than the best from this period. The quality may improve with familiarity, love and commitment, but what you see is generally what you get, numbers-wise. Compatible sexual and intimacy styles are critical to long-term success as a couple, since they're the primary motivations for your coupling in the first place. Away from parents and responsibilities, this should be your time to fly. Accept no less
Hot Chick Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 I have a feeling this will become an issue unless it's addressed. If you don't come up with some kind of compromise you are going to start resenting each other. He did say that they had differences in their neatness, however, he didn't say that this was causing conflict, or if it really bothered her that he had clutter and left things about while she is a neatfreak. Maybe she is a very neat person, but doesn't care if her romantic partner is not that way. Plus this could actually be a plus for their relationship - she could organize his things and pick up after him if they ever do live together/get married. They could compliment each other.
Imageiko Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 He did say that they had differences in their neatness, however, he didn't say that this was causing conflict, or if it really bothered her that he had clutter and left things about while she is a neatfreak. Maybe she is a very neat person, but doesn't care if her romantic partner is not that way. Plus this could actually be a plus for their relationship - she could organize his things and pick up after him if they ever do live together/get married. They could compliment each other. I guess it's possible but I think it's very easy to ignore/not bother you when you don't have to deal with it every single day. I've seen it first hand with roommates. Although I'm sure there might be some leeway when it's a romantic relationship instead of just friends/roommates. My gut is saying its one of those things you don't think will bother you until it actually happens. I guess I could be way off here but a marriage where a wife enjoys cleaning up after her messy husband seems pretty awesome but I'm not sure how realistic that is.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 You are going to have less sex than before. Mark my words.
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I guess I could be way off here but a marriage where a wife enjoys cleaning up after her messy husband seems pretty awesome but I'm not sure how realistic that is. Lived it, genders reversed, came to an understanding. If I didn't trip over it, it didn't go in the trash.
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 You are going to have less sex than before. Mark my words. If you're making this as a general statement, I disagree. I've only lived with a guy once, but we had WAY more sex when we lived together. The more time I spend with a guy, the more sex we have. It's funny, when I don't see my BF for a little while, my sex drive actually declines. When I'm spending a lot of time with him, it gets higher and higher. Really depends on the people and dynamics involved. Though I never had as little sex as the OP, but I also never lived with my parents while sexually active and/or dated anyone post-HS who lived with their parents.
Author Eclypse Posted October 14, 2011 Author Posted October 14, 2011 Wow so many responses! I'll try get to them all. @Pierre: We had more sex early in the relationship, when we both lost our virginities. But lately she says she just hasn't been feeling a sex drive. She says it might be because she was depressed before, even though she's fine now since she met me. I've tried to be there for her but I'm not sure what I can do @KathyM: Yes that's what I've heard before. However I would like to test if we can function together before making such a big commitment. I'd like to experience what living together with someone is like as I'm sure it's completely different to now. @Carhill: We've been away on one trip for 2 nights earlier this year after exams finished. It was an almost 500km drive so were pretty tired but we did manage to have sex that night. Second night we both just collapsed and were out like lights. I don't think I can make a judgement just yet based only on that yet, so I'll have to use the upcoming trip. I would like us to go away more but our schedules are horrible. I'm pretty much a slave to my university (it is the no.1 ranked in this country though) and the money I make at the moment is miserable In Europe we'll be staying with our grandparents. She with hers and me with mine most likely. I don't have a problem with that as the main reason I wanted us to go so that we could meet each others family and hopefully spend some more quality time with them. They are unfortunately very frail and this could be the last time I get to see them. I don't know how we'll get a chance to have sex. Hopefully we'll be able to retreat for a bit to "nap" (we do that all the time anyway, half our time together is spent sleeping since we're exhausted. She only gets to sleep easily when I'm next to her since I'm so warm, like furnace). @Hot Chick: Thanks for the positive comments! I don't know how well paying it will be in this economic environment though! Lol. I hope she isn't a gold digger, she doesn't seem the type. But then again you never really know with most people till you marry don't you! @Imageiko: That is something I am trying to work on. I think I've made positive steps toward resolving it. I would like to be neater, but old habits die hard it seems. She said she doesn't mind it that much, that it's part of the quirks that make me who I am. @Zengirl: I can assure you I'd rather do it while alone too, but unfortunately it's either this or no sex at all. Here in Australia it's becoming a problem that most people are approaching 30 before being able to leave home. The cheapest new homes (in far out suburbs) start at something like $400,000 now. Depending on my schedule next year I may be able to work more and hopefully make enough for us to move out, at least for a bit and see what it's like. It would help that I'll have my first degree by then also. She said the problem is not that her family is there but that they never listen and tend to just barge into her room randomly and doesn't want them walking in on us. Personally I've only seen that happen twice in over a year, and we weren't having sex then. It's not like they're all in the next room while we do it, it's a fairly big house. I can understand her reservations though. We do it more often at my house because my family doesn't walk in. The only problem of course being that I mainly go to her house (let's not even start with that one). But then even when no one else is home (about half the time) it's not much better. @ES: I'm afraid you hit the jackpot! I do just want to stress that it's not like we've gone house hunting or anything. This is just speculation. Personally I'd like to try resolve the sex issue, with breaking up only as a last resort. We were both virgins when we met, and I have a really strong bond with her and honestly can't imagine myself having sex with anyone else.
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Airplane handicap bathroom No-tell motel You're flying to Europe from Australia, I presume. You have a 'friend' (the no-tell motel) in a neighboring town you're going to visit overnight while visiting grandparents. I know bus and train service is excellent if you don't want to rent a car. Heck, you don't even have to leave town. It's time to be naughty.
Hot Chick Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I disagree with the airplane bathroom. It's small, smelly, and gross. I know Carhill said the "handicapped" one....but I don't know how you'd pull that one off and....it smells in those little bathroom and is not hygenic...not the ultimate place for sexy romance time.
Hot Chick Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Ok if she is suffering from depression, then that changes things. keep being a supportive boyfriend and see if she might get help from professional counseling and possibly anti-depressant meds. It seems that you two are in love, she just needs some support for her depression.
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 I disagree with the airplane bathroom. It's small, smelly, and gross. I know Carhill said the "handicapped" one....but I don't know how you'd pull that one off and....it smells in those little bathroom and is not hygenic...not the ultimate place for sexy romance time. Yes, I'd also decline that one. Unfortunately, it sounds like the OP never has great circumstances for sex. I can see that really impeding the amount of sex one has. Motels are the way to go.
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