What do I do???

[rafael7676]

We were together 7 years. We broke up 2 months ago. She changed her number. I begged and begged and pleaded for her back. She said she would give it another chance on October 11 (my birthday). I went to the hospital and she never called or visited. I found out earlier she's been hanging out with a new guy who's much younger, I'm devastated. The day came and went, and she never called. I want closure, I wanna know why she never called, why she gave up so quickly after 7 years, who this new guy is, but if I speak to her, I will be hurt by her and rejected again. I love her but I don't think she loves me back...Is it better to know and be dissapointed, or never know and wonder??? What do I do???

[Farrah]

Call it a day Rafael.You cant control what others do what yu can control is how you react to them. Take a sleep medicine and go to sleep.Dont sit on the pity pot and remember what doesnt work must be changed you crying about it hasnt got her back so change your strategy. Do things differently.LOve yourself, enjoy life,show you dont care , DISAPPEAR TOTALLY.Dont let her feel your a loser..Absence makes the heart grow fonder..you gotta change the gears a bit now k..I dont believe in floral lovey dovey comforting words get real and get a gripp now!!Tomorrow hit the gym,or go for a swim or a jog.

 

 

We were together 7 years. We broke up 2 months ago. She changed her number. I begged and begged and pleaded for her back. She said she would give it another chance on October 11 (my birthday). I went to the hospital and she never called or visited. I found out earlier she's been hanging out with a new guy who's much younger, I'm devastated. The day came and went, and she never called. I want closure, I wanna know why she never called, why she gave up so quickly after 7 years, who this new guy is, but if I speak to her, I will be hurt by her and rejected again. I love her but I don't think she loves me back...Is it better to know and be dissapointed, or never know and wonder??? What do I do???

[Mack05]

It is gutwrenching when someone we love leaves us. We go over everything in our heads over and over again. What if we did this? and why did I/she do that? etc etc etc. The begging and pleading has to stop! NOW! No good can come of it. I don't know one LS poster that has ever got a person to come back to them from begging and pleading. Right now you need to come to terms that the relationship is over. You need to gain acceptance of this fact. This takes time and you will experience many different emotions as you go through each phase of the grieving process -> http://kathrynvercillo.hubpages.com/hub/Relationships-Ending-The-Five-Stages-of-Grief. All of us on this board are united by grief and heartbreak. Getting over a broken heart is one of the hardest things you can do. It is a massive test of character. It is a test we must pass to enable us to be stronger characters and better better..

 

You should write out a recovery plan and stick to it. Step 1 is the same for everyone. You must go No Contact. Even if she makes contact, you do NOT reply. You make a promise to yourself to stay no contact for 60 days...I post this alot. Hope it helps you (see below)...Please by the book recommeded below. It will greatly help you in your recovery.

 

"I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup ->http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Y.../dp/B0026A6C4U

 

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..Try to stop yourself going over everything and focus on improving yourself as a person. This takes discipline and time but afterawhile you will notice it working..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better..."

Edited October 12, 2011 by Mack05

[rafael7676]

It is gutwrenching when someone we love leaves us. We go over everything in our heads over and over again. What if this and why did I/she do that etc etc. The begging and pleading has to stop! NOW! No good can come of it. I don't know one LS poster that has ever got a person to come back to them from begging and pleading. Right now you need to come to terms that the relationship is over. You need to gain acceptance of this fact. This takes time and you will experience many different emotions as you go through each phase of the grieving process -> http://kathrynvercillo.hubpages.com/hub/Relationships-Ending-The-Five-Stages-of-Grief. All of us on this board are united by grief and heartbreak. Getting over a broken heart is one of the hardest things you can do. It is a massive test of character. It is a test we must pass to enable us to be stronger characters and better better..

 

You should write out a recovery plan and stick to it. Step 1 is the same for everyone. You must go No Contact. Even if she makes contact, you do NOT reply. You make a promise to yourself to stay no contact for 60 days...I post this alot. Hope it helps you (see below)...Please by the book recommeded below. It will greatly help you in your recovery.

 

"I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup ->http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Y.../dp/B0026A6C4U

 

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..Try to stop yourself going over everything and focus on improving yourself as a person. This takes discipline and time but afterawhile you will notice it working..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better..."

 

Your'e so right, thank you!

[rafael7676]

Call it a day Rafael.You cant control what others do what yu can control is how you react to them. Take a sleep medicine and go to sleep.Dont sit on the pity pot and remember what doesnt work must be changed you crying about it hasnt got her back so change your strategy. Do things differently.LOve yourself, enjoy life,show you dont care , DISAPPEAR TOTALLY.Dont let her feel your a loser..Absence makes the heart grow fonder..you gotta change the gears a bit now k..I dont believe in floral lovey dovey comforting words get real and get a gripp now!!Tomorrow hit the gym,or go for a swim or a jog.

 

 

thanks, I need to relax. It's just hard. I miss her, but she's out enjoying life while I'm miserable. not fair...

[StellaA]

Well I did the begging and pleading........for about 2 weeks, it didn't work. I look back now and don't know what I was doing. I left him alone and now 3 months after the break he wants me back. In a way this is worse as I have to make the decision and it hurts. I love him but with time my head has started to tell me not to go back. Now I am back at square one!

[rafael7676]

Well I did the begging and pleading........for about 2 weeks, it didn't work. I look back now and don't know what I was doing. I left him alone and now 3 months after the break he wants me back. In a way this is worse as I have to make the decision and it hurts. I love him but with time my head has started to tell me not to go back. Now I am back at square one!

 

Trust me when I tell you I wish I was in your situation right now, rather than how I'm feeling.

[mike588]

Hey Mack05,

 

Any particular reason you recommend 60 days? In your wisdom does that mean if you don't hear from the ex. during that time all hope is lost?

 

I understand that if your ex. leaves you for an ex. it could take longer because they are in a comfort zone, however if they split for someone they don't know (no comfort zone) I could see where that would apply.

[mike588]

We were together 7 years. We broke up 2 months ago. She changed her number. I begged and begged and pleaded for her back. She said she would give it another chance on October 11 (my birthday). I went to the hospital and she never called or visited. I found out earlier she's been hanging out with a new guy who's much younger, I'm devastated. The day came and went, and she never called. I want closure, I wanna know why she never called, why she gave up so quickly after 7 years, who this new guy is, but if I speak to her, I will be hurt by her and rejected again. I love her but I don't think she loves me back...Is it better to know and be dissapointed, or never know and wonder??? What do I do???

 

Please follow the advise given here! My g/f dumped me too and I know the pain.No more begging or pleading, your only pushing her further away!

 

To me thats cruel for her not to atleast call you while in the hospital but then again you were begging and pleading and she probably did'nt want to hear it.

 

Being together 7 years she most likely feels guilty for not visiting/calling you but as I said above she knew what to expect and just didn't want to hear it.

 

I always suggested right after the breakup (not weeks /months later) to clear the air,, tell him/her what you want,how you feel, what you expect then leave it at that and let them decide while you move on with your life.It sounds like you did this with the begging and pleading.

 

Please go strict No Contact, I know it's tough. I tried to take it day by day but that seemed long so I just took it hour by hr.

 

Good luck, keep us posted!

[rafael7676]

Thanks, yeah I'm taking it day by day but it's so hard. Just the thought that she hadn't called me in the hospital or for my birthday after all these years of being with me feels so alien to me. We broke up so shortly ago and yet it seems so easy for her. I wake up every morning with pains in my chest when I notice she hadn't called me. I can't believe I'm that easy to forget