momto3boys Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 ok so i am posting about this again. i am really confused as to if i want my soon to be ex-husband in the delivery room with me. i am really confused as to why he wants to be there at all. I know its his kid, but he has not been in to the pregnancy at all. He kicked me out when i was 8 months pregnant. He has now living the single life and im sure he is loving it. it's just very awkward because we barely talk....He has to figure its going to be awkward....right? I mean seriously..... Also if he's there then i want their to be some ground rules. I do not want his family coming to the hospital at all (his mom and siblings caused a HUGE scene during my last delivery and ever since then our marriage went down the drain. His mom is a part of the reason he wants a divorce, he's admitted this to me. Ive also tried to contact his mom to let her know how much of a drunk he has become and he needs help because i know he has ptsd and she did not return my calls but yet called him and actually it made the situation worse). He said they will not come to the hospital, but he is a HUGE momma's boy and if she keeps bothering him about it, he will bug me about it or they;ll just show up. He keeps saying he wont tell them when i have the baby in fear they may do what they did last time but he will be staying at his bros house). Also if he comes up, i dont want him taking our son. There's not custody agreement yet and i dont want to have to worry about where my son is, if he took him home, etc. He doesnt live up here so he has nowhere stable to take him anyways. How do i explain this to him without him feeling like im telling him he cant see his kid? (which btw he will be taking our son for a few days during the last 2 weeks of Nov. Im due the middle of Nov, so its not like he wont be seeing him soon anyways). I also dont know what his intentions are for the birth. i dont know if he wants to be there because it's kid and he wants to be there, or if its to be supportive to me. I dont know. If its just because its his kid, then is it ok for me to ask him to stay in the waiting room until the baby is born?? I keep trying to talk to him about all of this and he gets angry. I really need a guys opinion/advice on this because women understand specially if they have been pregnant/given birth. I dont think some men (i said some, not all ) get that labor and delivery is about the woman, not about the guy even if it is his kid.. We go through all that pain and HOURS sometimes even DAYS of labor to have the baby. Sorry but its about us Whats the best way to explain all of this to him without coming off like im being a b*tch or nagging?? How do i get a man to understand all of this? And as from a mans point of view, why does it seem like he even wants to be there for the birth when he isnt involved in the pregnant, we barely talk, how awkward.
carhill Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hard to know what's going on in his mind, especially if it's bathed in alcohol. IMO, you should make choices which are healthy for you. If you want to give birth alone, that. If with him attending, that. It's entirely possible he's confused and afraid but, again, that's not your problem. His apparent desire to be present at the birth is perhaps a way for him to feel somewhat in control of his life, even if you and he don't get along and barely speak. Whatever your choice is, explain it clearly and directly. If you want your son safe, I'd suggest leaving him with a family member or trusted friend. The other side of that coin is he does have a right to be with his father as long as he is safe with him. There's nothing about this that's easy. I really don't have any clear or cogent advice. You have my sympathies and best wishes for a healthy birth.
Author momto3boys Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Thank you for the advice. It is hard to talk to him because when i tell him what i want out of the birth he says i am trying to control the situation, but its my birth. Thats why i wanted a guys point of view, lol. I think he looks at the delivery as it being about him and the baby, but its not. I guess it'd be easier to make a decision if i knew his intentions but he gets very defensive and angry when i try to set up some ground rules and quickly throws in "well its my kid too". But yet he has said he wont be trying to have any visitation with this child until he's 2. So when he turns 2 he will build a relationship with him. i am trying to do the right thing and be fair since its his baby too, but i hate how he acts like labor is about him too, its not. Thats what i am trying to explain to him.
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