Should I keep NC? Indication of 2nd chance?

[LAGuy]

Hello All,

 

My ex-girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me about 4 months ago on my birthday(she wouldn't even give me a kiss, just made me cry for hours). She strung me around for about a month. The reason for the break up was over a text message she mistook as something more than it was(she even told a mutual friend later that she believed that I wasn't cheating). The last time I saw her, she cried to me and said that she just felt different about me. Even though for that whole month she said she wanted to get back with me. After the last time I saw her I went NC. We said we would be friends, but I just couldn't handle it. Ever since the break up I've had some pretty bad depression. I've been seeing a therapists for almost two months now. She helps me put things into perspective but my progress is slow.

 

I lived with this girl for almost two years, after she dumped me she left our home, I was forced to move into a smaller place alone and it has been so lonely and depressing, I try my hardest not to be here.

 

Fast forward 3 months(of awful depression). During this time I quit smoking pot(which I did with her for years everyday), I've lost over 40 lbs of weight, but my self-esteem has never been lower. When she dumped me I deactivated my facebook because she kept posting hurtful pictures of herself doing things that would obviously make me jealous, I know to hurt me. I created a new one. About 2 weeks ago I signed on to my old one(reactivated it). Her relationship status was: "In a Relationship". I later asked my brother(who's girlfriend is good friends with her) and he confirmed that it was true. I sent her a small message saying I was happy for her and that I hoped the wish the best for her and her ambitions, to which there was no response then she deleted my old profile from her friends right away. I again deactivated it and went on with my life. Now about a week ago I get a friends request(no message or words) to my new profile from her, I just let it sit until she decided to cancel the request. I am having regrets on not responding. Could she be having second thoughts? Should I reach out to her and ask her what exactly she wanted? Most people tell me I made the right decision in ignoring it, maybe she was just wants to suck me into some mind games like she did right after the break up, and was probably talking to her new bf before our break up. My therapist said it was probably best to steer clear because she might just want chaos in her life, and not only that, I could get drug into smoking pot(but I doubt I would ever touch the stuff), and maybe she justs wants to compare lives, or honestly be friends, but I can't handle that right now. And I think that would look bad on my part since everyone tells me she was obviously talking/cheating with another guy, I can't confirm, but the quick rebound could indicate that.

 

But I still have so much love for this girl, I think about her everyday, and it hurts me just to know she moved on already. And I honestly want to be with her again(is that even healthy?). I feel that if we were to get back together my depression would go away, I wont be so apathetic throught my days, I would have motivation. and I feel like this might be her sending me some indication of reconciliation(she's very prideful). I'm not sure what to do. But I feel as if me not adding her or saying anything probably got her upset, and if I tried to I guess chase back the "contact", she might just ignore me like I did(I didn't want to, but just didn't know what to do!), and that would suck. But I also feel as if the chance to get her back is probably at the highest right now? Any Advice??? SHOULD I CONTACT?

 

I know this might sound very elemetary, and I've asked this on Yahoo Answers most people just laughed, told me to build a bridge and get over it and "it's just a freakin friends request jeez" but my mental health is very fragile right now, maybe you guys can relate to me better?.. I know I probably sound soooo lame, but I can't help it..

[clerm27]

First of all, good for you for quitting smoking and dropping weight. That is the perfect way to start over after a break up, with self improvement. Quite frankly I can tell you did it for no one other than yourself too because you were still depressed. This is not a lame thing to ask about, so don't think like that for even a second.

 

I cannot blame you for feeling the way you do, it sounds like there was not even a strong grounds to break up if she was accusing you of cheating and you actually didn't do anything. I hate to say it, maybe on some level she wanted out of the relationship, I can't say for certain, but it seems that way.

 

You were right to ignore the friend request. You reached out to her; she ignored you. You're giving what you received. I know it's tough, because I can already tell you I'm the same way, feeling like it's necessary to reach out. Point is that you tried, she ignored, then added you as a friend on facebook instead of messaging you first trying to have a normal conversation. My advice to you is to back away from the car, and stay away until you can actually be her 'friend'. Until you can honestly say you're comfortable never going anywhere on a romantic level with her, you're not ready to stick around, nor should you. Right now, there is only more pain and suffering by being her friend. It's hard as hell, and the hurt will be there, hard and quick, but there's no sense in dragging a little bit of hurt out for years for what 'may be'. Been there done that, it never goes well. I suggest you continue to improve yourself and stay NC. Someone will notice you, and you will be appreciated again.

 

This is just my ten cents, but I hope it helped.

[LAGuy]

Thanks for the response and assuring me that it's not lame. I did, I wanted to change it up as soon as she dumped me. But for some reason, although I weigh less than I did when I met her and probably got a lot of my cognitive functions back on track from the years of pot, I still have a very low self-esteem. I guess because she was the prettiest girl I have ever been with, and feel as maybe I was lucky? IDK.

 

For some reason, things bother me now, physical things. My excessively thick beard that covers most of my face. My weight, although much less, I feel I need a hard body right away. And most of all, being so freaking lonely. Last night I had the strangest dream of her. It felt so real, I woke up in the middle of the night. It sucked so badly.

 

I'm sure (and this is my logical-self typing) if I were to see this in a 3rd person point of view, it would be obvious how much she can impact my life right now, and the best answer to that would be to lose those feeling immediately, even if I want some type of reconciliation it wont work with the way I feel right now. Even if she were to come back to me now, it would be on a note that devalues me as a person after everything that happened. My emotions and happiness are far too dependent on a person rather than my own self. I must learn to be happy as a lone single man, with out the need of another to inject that into my life. My reward system is far too addicted to the way she made me feel, I would be relapsing on

the most powerful drug I've experienced.

 

But my heart (emotional-self), feels this was true love. I feel as if I lost the woman I was meant to be with. She was God's gift to me. I could have done more to save it. I feel as if I won't find another person like her, with her personality, smile, eyes, body, and beauty; in and out.

 

Thanks for assuring me that I made the right decision. I've never experienced something like this in my entire 24 years of life. I've had one other LTR before her; the break-up although hard was nothing like this. Not even close. I guess this is the moment that will define who and what I will be in life, finally growing on my own. It was just another chapter of the many to come.

[bdbmwer]

the first problem I noticed in your description is when you stated how much you though getting back with her would pull you out of your slump. The most important thing for you to do right now that will also coincidentally increase your attractiveness significantly is to take this time to really work on yourself and learn to stand on your own two feet. By learning to love life as a single person that isnt in need of her youll have so much more to offer to her.

 

Trust me im dealing with the same situation right now with an ex who left and immediately jumped into things with another dude. i say LEAVE IT. truly make up your mind to move on especially while this other guy is around. she needs to understand that her opportunity to be with you is closing because YOU are a prize and as of right now the chances of her just dropping this new guy and coming back to you are very slim. All you can do is improve yourself and let her hear about how great youre doing through other people which will get that mystery started and who knows maybe it will slowly weigh on her new relationship?

[clerm27]

Thanks for the response and assuring me that it's not lame. I did, I wanted to change it up as soon as she dumped me. But for some reason, although I weigh less than I did when I met her and probably got a lot of my cognitive functions back on track from the years of pot, I still have a very low self-esteem. I guess because she was the prettiest girl I have ever been with, and feel as maybe I was lucky? IDK.

 

For some reason, things bother me now, physical things. My excessively thick beard that covers most of my face. My weight, although much less, I feel I need a hard body right away. And most of all, being so freaking lonely. Last night I had the strangest dream of her. It felt so real, I woke up in the middle of the night. It sucked so badly.

 

I'm sure (and this is my logical-self typing) if I were to see this in a 3rd person point of view, it would be obvious how much she can impact my life right now, and the best answer to that would be to lose those feeling immediately, even if I want some type of reconciliation it wont work with the way I feel right now. Even if she were to come back to me now, it would be on a note that devalues me as a person after everything that happened. My emotions and happiness are far too dependent on a person rather than my own self. I must learn to be happy as a lone single man, with out the need of another to inject that into my life. My reward system is far too addicted to the way she made me feel, I would be relapsing on

the most powerful drug I've experienced.

 

But my heart (emotional-self), feels this was true love. I feel as if I lost the woman I was meant to be with. She was God's gift to me. I could have done more to save it. I feel as if I won't find another person like her, with her personality, smile, eyes, body, and beauty; in and out.

 

Thanks for assuring me that I made the right decision. I've never experienced something like this in my entire 24 years of life. I've had one other LTR before her; the break-up although hard was nothing like this. Not even close. I guess this is the moment that will define who and what I will be in life, finally growing on my own. It was just another chapter of the many to come.

 

You're welcome for the supportive comments. We've all been down that road. But, honestly, if it was true love, it would have worked out. And it still may, you never know when everything is about to change. It can go either way, but as for right now, you're best bet is as far away from her as possible, and this I can 100% assure you.

 

These kinds of break-ups leave us powerless faced with many questions of ourselves, you're not the only one who is doubting yourself. As for her being the prettiest etc, it's just a stage. She is who she is. The next girl will also be who she is.

 

I know how you must feel and I know you'll pull through. Stay strong, if you need someone to talk too about anything at all, feel free to send me a message and I'd love to chat. Whether it's fitness advice, or you just need someone to listen, I'm here to help with anything that I can offer.

[LAGuy]

THAT'S IT!!!!

 

 

 

Tonight I logged into my Facebook. I for some reason looked at her page. The request was still pending (i think because I clicked not now? I don't think she cancelled); I added. She's ****ing living life while I'm here dwelling? WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME?!

 

She knew what she was doing adding me on her FB. I knew it!!! it wasn't to be friends, it was to shove it in my ****ing face!!!!!(excuse my language, I'm just turned up right now).

 

 

It's time for change. Yeah, she's ****ing pretty, she is a very attractive girl, that's true, SO WHAT! There are tons of women much better looking. I didn't get her by being a little emo kid. Yeah I did love her but tonight showed me her true colors, she doesn't give a **** about me. I'm here acting like it's the end of the world, she's acting like it's the beginning of hers (great for her).

 

 

But I'm done, I'm changing. I've made the decision that the chapter is 100% closed, a lesson learned. I'm going to be the most successful person I could ever imagine being, and I will get the most attractive, smart, near-perfect girl that I want, and I won’t accept less: I'm upgrading. It will take me time, it will take a lot of improvement on my part but it makes no sense to stay as this little bitch boy that cries over a girl that already moved on.

 

 

Luckily I did it at 2 AM, no way is she going to look at my page, she's deleted before she even knew we were friends. All I saw was pictures of her being happy, her talking about how sexy her new man is, and how she's soooo happy.

 

 

I'm done with it; I will no longer dwell on it. YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT, I'M LEAVING IT, AND I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER WRITTING A WORD TO HER. I have a long road ahead of me but I am not looking back any longer. I feel a fire has been turned on in me. If I want the best, I need to be the best.

 

 

From here on out I'm making myself a promise: I will get in the best shape I've ever been in my life, I will get the best possible grades in school, I will work my hardest at work, I will focus on making the most money I can possibly acquire. **** being lonely, that's a concept of lames. Like a wise man once said: If you feel lonely it's because you don't love yourself, let alone like who you are. Loneliness only happens to those who don't attract people to them, and at this point who the **** would want to be attracted to such a little emo bitch? It makes all the sense! Sure people can't see through me, but it's obvious that there is some type of vibe I give off as a needy spineless man that's desperate for company of a girl. And it's true!!! Like i've read. The only reason I want her back so bad is because I don't have any other girls as pretty or attactive as her in my life(I know that sounds real chauvinistic, oh well), but that is going to change.

 

CHAPTER IS CLOSED. It hurts to know all the good times will cease to exist. But this is the moment that was meant for me, I am more than what I was when I was with her (Some dumbfounded pot head that spent his weekends indoors, revolved his schedule around picking up his unambitious girlfriend that wouldn't even bother getting a drivers license let alone a high school dimploma at 22years old). It is destiny for me to be the trophy. It's easy for an attractive girl to move on, but me, I need to compete with the world. I need to realize that it should be a blessing for me to come into a person’s life. As conceited or ****ed up as it sounds, I don't care, I can't think of myself of being anything less. I will stay humble, I will stay true, and I will always be the greatest friend to those in my life, but this depression and loneliness ends now. Today my life begins; I leave behind the dwelling and depression. Today, even though I will only get about 4 hours of sleep I will wake up a new man. I don't even want to bother being with her, especially how spiteful she is by what she did. I knew it wasn't from the good of her heart, she knew I would accept only to see what I did, and as a fool I did what was a typical move of me to do. It's okay though. I'm good. It did more good than harm. It will take me a long time. But it is certain that a relationship is not in my interest, my interest lies in constructing the man that will live the rest of this very blessed life.

 

Thanks fellas(bdb, clerm), thanks for the support. Hopefully I don't sound like a jerk but it is what it is.

 

P.S. the bitch was obviously cheating(talking or f-ing, don't matter), her new boyfriend is a dude from work, just how I expected.

Edited October 18, 2011 by LAGuy