Spankys3304 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 A little over a year ago, I reunited with an old boyfriend (hadn't seen in nearly 20 years) just to get together an catch up. He contacted me on FB and said he was going to be in my area and asked me to meet him at a fundraiser party. When he found out that my DD was going to be at her fathers for the weekend he invited me to spend the day with him and his friends. When I asked about his wife, "she's not feeling well and won't be coming, she won't mind"... He's a very social person and has several female friends and I went to the event with the thought of catching up with an old friend. Once we saw each other it was like we had just seen each other last week not 20 years. We had a great time that day. We were so comfortable with one another that most people though we were a couple. One thing led to another that night and we have been having an affair ever since. Here's the issue, he truly is unhappy in his marriage. (Believe it or not I can separate myself from the situation and see the situation for what it is) He has been married for 16 years, she was once a successful professional and is now on disability. With everything I have seen with my own eyes and have been told, it seems to me that her illness is an illness of opportunity. She is well enough to go on trips, but not well enough to clean the house or do laundry. My MM won't leave her because he feels obligated because she is sick, even if he leave and is not with me I think for his own happiness he needs to leave. I have encouraged him to do whatever it takes to be happy, if that means fixing his marriage any way he can or leave. What else can I do?
Emme Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Is this a relationship of convenience to you? Do you want more, a serious relationship?
Author Spankys3304 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Is this a relationship of convenience to you? Do you want more, a serious relationship? Depends on the day. There are days that I can see what a great time we could have if we were together. Other days I just want the great sex. (Just being honest)
Author Spankys3304 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Stay out of it? If you want to have an A with this guy, that's your choice. But focus on your relationship with him, not his relationship with his wife. What goes on between them isn't your business. I agree but I just hate seeing him struggle with this. (that's the friend in me talking)
18Years2Late Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Stay way out...RUN!!! My story EXACTLY the same. Search my posts bc it's way too long. Reunited with old BF (actually engaged once) via FB after 18 years. A for 18 months. Several ddays later (for him), lots of bus tires, and 3 months of NC for the 3rd or 4th time, and I'll if have now are tears and heartache and soon to be mountains of therapist bills. Worst decision of my entire life and I've made some bad ones. I'll spare u with all the names and profanity that I usually use in reference to someone that I've loved for half my life. Read here a lot. I'm not the exception to the rule. Most don't work out and everyone gets hurt. If you ok with the OW status, continue on and don't worry about what he does or doesn't do with/for W. Just don't get caught. After I starting reading here I read a lot of posts that said just b happy with what u get and b ok with the OW status and you'll b fine. Tried it, worked for about a week. It makes work for some, just not many I don't think. After a while, feelings develop, empty promises are made, lies r told and we all want more. MM just wants W and security at home and u on the side. If you're ok with that...problem solved. I wish you well.
Author Spankys3304 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Just don't get caught. Thanks for the well wishes. I should say that we live 100 miles apart, and the last time we got together we were busted by friends. But those same friends saw him with his W a few weeks later and never said a thing. for right now she doesn't know.
18Years2Late Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I agree but I just hate seeing him struggle with this. (that's the friend in me talking) Honey...you just think he's struggling now...wait til he falls in love with you...but doesn't have the b@ll$ to either make a choice OR to tell you it's over and admit he's a liar bc he's choosing W and current said miserable M. It's INCREDIBLY hard to watch someone you love with all your heart suffer like that. Before you...he only had one miserable relationship to maintain...now he'll have 2...eventually it will become too much for him to bare and too much for you to watch/participate in any longer. I've BTDT. Seen more than I ever signed up for. It breaks your heart in multiple directions and ways. It breaks for your suffering as his 2nd best crumb-catcher and it's breaks for his self-inflicted suffering. Then when u get caught it breaks for BS. Soon no one but your friends here at LS will care one but about your broken heart. Not one bit. Yes I know all MM are lying coward selfish conflict-avoiders and they're all mean and hateful. Yes mine too. (raising my hand) But they still suffer. You become more confused than ever in your life because its way to painful to leave and way to painful to stay. Yes MM suffer at their own hand bc of indecisiveness and the rest of the words I already used (see above). But they're still human and everyone hurts in their own special way for their own reasons and for their own stupidity. It's so so hard to watch while wondering why u care and why no one cares about YOU. You need to care about YOU. starting now. Get out now if you can.
MissBee Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 A little over a year ago, I reunited with an old boyfriend (hadn't seen in nearly 20 years) just to get together an catch up. He contacted me on FB and said he was going to be in my area and asked me to meet him at a fundraiser party. When he found out that my DD was going to be at her fathers for the weekend he invited me to spend the day with him and his friends. When I asked about his wife, "she's not feeling well and won't be coming, she won't mind"... He's a very social person and has several female friends and I went to the event with the thought of catching up with an old friend. Once we saw each other it was like we had just seen each other last week not 20 years. We had a great time that day. We were so comfortable with one another that most people though we were a couple. One thing led to another that night and we have been having an affair ever since. Here's the issue, he truly is unhappy in his marriage. (Believe it or not I can separate myself from the situation and see the situation for what it is) He has been married for 16 years, she was once a successful professional and is now on disability. With everything I have seen with my own eyes and have been told, it seems to me that her illness is an illness of opportunity. She is well enough to go on trips, but not well enough to clean the house or do laundry. My MM won't leave her because he feels obligated because she is sick, even if he leave and is not with me I think for his own happiness he needs to leave. I have encouraged him to do whatever it takes to be happy, if that means fixing his marriage any way he can or leave. What else can I do? Did he initiate this reunion on Facebook? It is a bit suspicious and cliched to me that people keep reuniting with old boyfriends of eons ago via Facebook...so many stories like that here. Makes me wonder if these people are phishing And social media sure makes phishing expeditions more convenient. Anyway: you're right, if he wants to leave his marriage he needs to do so for himself and not for you or anyone else, as if he leaves and things don't work out with you, then what? He needs to leave the marriage because he doesn't want it anymore. If he is just having problems that can be worked out (and lots of times it seems people in As are experiencing that, and just choose to avoid and distract themselves with an A until dday when they run back) then you should advise him to work it out and leave you out of it...but I am not sure at this point you're going to be willing to do that. Most likely you will still try to have this relationship and "be friends" which will not help in him truly deciding on what to do about that situation, without your outside influence. You also don't need to say anything by way of influencing, your very presence and him feeling obligated to you in some way is enough of an influence. Soo it's up to you to decide whether or not it is wise and truly in his best interest and yours to stay in the affair and hope he "makes the right decision" or actually give him the space he needs to work things through and leave or work on his marriage if he so chooses.
norajane Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Depends on the day. There are days that I can see what a great time we could have if we were together. Other days I just want the great sex. (Just being honest) You already know: MM won't leave her So, obviously, that feeling that you "can see what a great time we could have if we were together" is only going to lead you down a path of disappointment, not great times. And since you already know: MM won't leave her You must know that trying to advise him on his marriage and his relationship with his wife is a losing proposition.
MissBee Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Stay out of it? If you want to have an A with this guy, that's your choice. But focus on your relationship with him, not his relationship with his wife. What goes on between them isn't your business. I second this. OW who constantly talk about the BS and offer criticisms of the marriage or her as a person make me raise an eyebrow? Likewise, BS's who way past dday, in the process of reconciliation, interfere in the OW's life make me raise an eyebrow as well. The BS is with her husband....focus on that and leave the OW be, once you've confronted her initially. The OW who is in an A should carry on with the man and not put her two cents into the marriage or offer up what she thinks the BS is or isn't doing. But I suppose the nature of triangulated relations makes it very difficult to focus on just 2 people and sometimes inadvertently other parties get caught up with each other.....
18Years2Late Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Thanks for the well wishes. I should say that we live 100 miles apart, and the last time we got together we were busted by friends. But those same friends saw him with his W a few weeks later and never said a thing. for right now she doesn't know. I'm trying hard to take your roses colored glasses off and throw your MM off his shiny gold pedestal. Your rationalizing. Something I didn't know about bf A and LS. I live in Central TX. xMM lives in Central Florida. Last time I checked...1800 miles. HE GOT CAUGHT!!! They are not the brightest bulbs in the box. And besides that, a suspicious BS will turn over every leaf in the country until she finds what she's looking for (as she should). When I picked him up at the airport the first time, he grabbed me and hugged me so tight for a long time, and he said "OMG My Baby" over and over again. it seemed like we had only been apart for 18 hours, not 18 YEARS!!! He looked the same, he talked the same, he smelled the same, we walked the same, his lips felt the same, his hands felt the same, being in his arms felt the same. I loved him exactly the same as 18 years ago. Everything was EXACTLY the same...except for one HUGE detail. He was/is married and we weren't going home to our house. We were going to hide in a hotel for 4 days. I'm M too. Do you see where I'm going with this? I Love him. Still do. He Loves me. Still does. Everything would be PERFECT if it were only 18 years ago. I'm in terrible emotional pain. I'm borderline insane and some days I just think i cant live with this pain anymore. I'm sure living with a BS is no walk in the park for him either. It sucks for EVERYONE. And they don't leave until they are dam good and ready or get kicked out (then your the default choice) or never. Just trying to help with my VERY similar story. I think Emme was supposed to start another thread about people hooking up with old BF's on FB bc it's becoming a habit around here lately. Emme, here's another!!
Author Spankys3304 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Did he initiate this reunion on Facebook? Yes he did It is a bit suspicious and cliched to me that people keep reuniting with old boyfriends of eons ago via Facebook...so many stories like that here. He has since admitted, had had thought about me "the one who got away" so he contacted me on FB Anyway: you're right, if he wants to leave his marriage he needs to do so for himself and not for you or anyone else, as if he leaves and things don't work out with you, then what? He needs to leave the marriage because he doesn't want it anymore. If he is just having problems that can be worked out then you should advise him to work it out and leave you out of it...but I am not sure at this point you're going to be willing to do that. Most likely you will still try to have this relationship and "be friends" which will not help in him truly deciding on what to do about that situation, without your outside influence. You also don't need to say anything by way of influencing, your very presence and him feeling obligated to you in some way is enough of an influence. I agree totally, I have tried to get out. Several months ago I told him that he needed to do what ever it took to work out his M and I stuck to it for about a month and he sucked me back in. I have never nor will I ever ask him to leave. It's not fair to him. He has never given me any indication that he ever plans on leaving her. He has actually encouraged me to date, but I have seen jealousy come out in him when another guy shows interest in me in front of him. When we are 'just friends' in public. I know he cares for her, just because that's the kind of guy he is. He feels obligated because she is sick. He however is depressed and is drinking more and more and that worries me.
Author Spankys3304 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Sorry Ladies I'm new to this what do the following stand for? BS & WS
18Years2Late Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Did he initiate this reunion on Facebook? It is a bit suspicious and cliched to me that people keep reuniting with old boyfriends of eons ago via Facebook...so many stories like that here. Makes me wonder if these people are phishing And social media sure makes phishing expeditions more convenient. Anyway: you're right, if he wants to leave his marriage he needs to do so for himself and not for you or anyone else, as if he leaves and things don't work out with you, then what? He needs to leave the marriage because he doesn't want it anymore. If he is just having problems that can be worked out (and lots of times it seems people in As are experiencing that, and just choose to avoid and distract themselves with an A until dday when they run back) then you should advise him to work it out and leave you out of it...but I am not sure at this point you're going to be willing to do that. Most likely you will still try to have this relationship and "be friends" which will not help in him truly deciding on what to do about that situation, without your outside influence. You also don't need to say anything by way of influencing, your very presence and him feeling obligated to you in some way is enough of an influence. Soo it's up to you to decide whether or not it is wise and truly in his best interest and yours to stay in the affair and hope he "makes the right decision" or actually give him the space he needs to work things through and leave or work on his marriage if he so chooses. I initiated the FB contact with my xMM (then xBF of eons ago). In all honesty I tell you that I was not phishing. I had just gotten a FB account so I could "monitor" my kids on FB. I really had no interest in it other than that. Still today I only go on FB like twice a month. I don't have to tell 400 semi-strangers and 1000 of their "friends" what I cooked for dinner, what color underwear I'm wearing, what's currently pissing me off on the news, and "good night" when I'm going to bed. I just don't have that much free time. At the time, I thought it was really cool how you could "find" people. So...I found him. I sent him one innocent sentence (TMI) and he responded. We both intended just to catch up every now and then and the rest is history. Yes i initiated the FB contact with innocent intentions, but he initiated the continued contact and the visitation. But I agree Ms. B it is becoming a scary broken record around here right?
18Years2Late Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Sorry Ladies I'm new to this what do the following stand for? BS & WS BS = Betrayed Spouse WS = Wandering Spouse (I.e. Your MM)
carhill Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Sorry Ladies I'm new to this what do the following stand for? BS & WS More info on that here Welcome to LS You've encouraged; now, stand back and let that encouragement do its work. Good luck.
spice4life Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 If you are happy and are built to handle it then go for it. Best wishes and welcome to the forum. I would never expect anyone to leave either. I would, instead, decide what is right for me and either accept it for what it is or leave. So what kind of advice are you looking for if you are happy?
MissBee Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Yes he did He has since admitted, had had thought about me "the one who got away" so he contacted me on FB I agree totally, I have tried to get out. Several months ago I told him that he needed to do what ever it took to work out his M and I stuck to it for about a month and he sucked me back in. I have never nor will I ever ask him to leave. It's not fair to him. He has never given me any indication that he ever plans on leaving her. He has actually encouraged me to date, but I have seen jealousy come out in him when another guy shows interest in me in front of him. When we are 'just friends' in public. I know he cares for her, just because that's the kind of guy he is. He feels obligated because she is sick. He however is depressed and is drinking more and more and that worries me. I'm not surprised at the above Spanky...as sorry to say, often times it is a tired script of a phisherman. That is why I asked, to make sure my inkling was correct. You should check out this site called Baggage Reclaim, particularly this article called "The Trap of the (Returning) Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ " and see if anything resonates with you. It may hep you to see your relationship differently. Here's an excerpt: Now, whilst some may think I’m a cynical biaaatch for saying this, I’m going to say it anyway: Whilst there are lovely, warm stories of people reuniting with their childhood sweethearts after spending a significant period of time apart, overcoming obstacles, other loves, and all that jazz, they are few and far between, especially with the poor modern day dating habits that many people have. Instead, The (Returning) Childhood Sweetheart tends to be a Mr Unavailable or assclown in disguise… There are a few things that tend to spell trouble when these clowns appear on the horizon: How they contacted you: Almost every time, I heard barely plausible tales about how the guy just happened to look up the woman online, school yearbook, bla bla bla, and it just happens to be when they are newly separated/divorced/ripe for a cheating session/gagging for an ego stroke/looking at themselves in the mirror and suddenly having a panic that they may not be ‘all that’. The thing is, ordinarily, a man who is recently separated, divorced, looking to cheat, gagging for an ego stroke, or in the middle of a mid life crisis doesn’t make a great candidate for a relationship and is likely to pose issues for a committed relationship where he’s emotionally unavailable. The fact that he’s from your past does not erase these glaring red flags – in fact, they enhance them. He is obviously going through a difficult time, which makes sense why he'd be reaching out to you. It is not to say that he is a bad person, but a while ago we had a woman who was diagnosed with MS who reached out to her old ex and pretty much it was that she was going through a hard time, was overwhelmed and needed some TLC so she reached out, via Facebook I believe too. Likewise, it does make sense that if he is stressed and depressed with a sick wife, he may be missing intimacy and sex so was seeking a release but not really thinking thoroughly about how it would affect the other person....especially if he cannot ultimately give you what you want. People usually grab for old exes as they have some familiarity there versus scouting for a new person...then of course it further makes sense based on their need that it can create that romantic, intense feeling and that familiarity and nostalgia comes on strong. Again, this may not be an all out purposeful manipulation, but him being in a vulnerable place and truly feeling like this because of his circumstances so please be mindful of that. It is VERY difficult if not impossible to be a TRUE friend while having a vested romantic interest in this man. You most likely will need to choose one or the other.
mzdolphin Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Stay way out...RUN!!! My story EXACTLY the same. Search my posts bc it's way too long. Reunited with old BF (actually engaged once) via FB after 18 years. A for 18 months. Several ddays later (for him), lots of bus tires, and 3 months of NC for the 3rd or 4th time, and I'll if have now are tears and heartache and soon to be mountains of therapist bills. Worst decision of my entire life and I've made some bad ones. I'll spare u with all the names and profanity that I usually use in reference to someone that I've loved for half my life. Read here a lot. I'm not the exception to the rule. Most don't work out and everyone gets hurt. If you ok with the OW status, continue on and don't worry about what he does or doesn't do with/for W. Just don't get caught. After I starting reading here I read a lot of posts that said just b happy with what u get and b ok with the OW status and you'll b fine. Tried it, worked for about a week. It makes work for some, just not many I don't think. After a while, feelings develop, empty promises are made, lies r told and we all want more. MM just wants W and security at home and u on the side. If you're ok with that...problem solved. I wish you well. My story too, only he lied and said he was divorced. Move on, these guys play on the relationship you used to have, when you were both single, to justify their cheating. It's like, well this isn't a one-night stand. It's still cheating and the past you share makes what he's doing to his wife even more insulting.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Hey! I, too, have an illness that prevents me from cleaning the house or filing my papers, but allows me to go on trips. I hope my husband doesn't need to have an affair!
Author Spankys3304 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 Golly..now I'm confused because you've contradicted yourself. Is it an illness of "convenience" or a real one which necessitates him staying married forever? . I have not contradicted myself he feels trapped._ while she does have a medical condition it can be treated with a healthy diet. She continues to eat all of the things that make hr condition flair up. Causing her to be in bed for days. She refuses to seek alternative treatments. She is addicted to painkillers.
alexandria35 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 You know I find it difficult to believe that a once successful professional woman is deliberately making herself sick and enjoying it. I also find it difficult to believe that she can collect disability payments for an illness that simply requires a better diet. It also sounds like she is taking some strong painkillers, something else doctors don't hand out to patients who just need to eat healthy. I'm assuming that you are hearing all of this from your MM. Does none of it sound strange to you? Generally people don't go from being a successful professional one day to deciding that they are going to be sick and disabled the next.
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Here's the issue, he truly is unhappy in his marriage. (Believe it or not I can separate myself from the situation and see the situation for what it is) He has been married for 16 years, she was once a successful professional and is now on disability. With everything I have seen with my own eyes and have been told, it seems to me that her illness is an illness of opportunity. She is well enough to go on trips, but not well enough to clean the house or do laundry. What do you mean 'seen with your own eyes' are you implying that you've met her, been in their house, seen their dynamic? This guy is good. He has you roped into believing every.single.word that comes out of his mouth! Of course, you probably think this guy would never EVER lie to you, right? Fact is, this guy is a liar, a sneak, a betrayer and I bet you aren't the only woman he's met on the side and had a fling with. What are you looking for in him? A future husband? Just an affair?
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Generally people don't go from being a successful professional one day to deciding that they are going to be sick and disabled the next. Unless she got totally stressed out, had some sort of break down and is depressed. Either way, this guy is scummy to do this. What kind of man bashes his wife to someone he hasn't seen or spoken to in over 20 years? The woman who he married, had children with, built a life with. Sounds like a real peach of a man, eh?
PhoenixRise Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 A little over a year ago, I reunited with an old boyfriend (hadn't seen in nearly 20 years) just to get together an catch up. He contacted me on FB and said he was going to be in my area and asked me to meet him at a fundraiser party. When he found out that my DD was going to be at her fathers for the weekend he invited me to spend the day with him and his friends. When I asked about his wife, "she's not feeling well and won't be coming, she won't mind"... He's a very social person and has several female friends and I went to the event with the thought of catching up with an old friend. Once we saw each other it was like we had just seen each other last week not 20 years. We had a great time that day. We were so comfortable with one another that most people though we were a couple. One thing led to another that night and we have been having an affair ever since. Here's the issue, he truly is unhappy in his marriage. (Believe it or not I can separate myself from the situation and see the situation for what it is) He has been married for 16 years, she was once a successful professional and is now on disability. With everything I have seen with my own eyes and have been told, it seems to me that her illness is an illness of opportunity. She is well enough to go on trips, but not well enough to clean the house or do laundry. My MM won't leave her because he feels obligated because she is sick, even if he leave and is not with me I think for his own happiness he needs to leave. I have encouraged him to do whatever it takes to be happy, if that means fixing his marriage any way he can or leave. What else can I do? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing else you can do. It doesn't matter what you think about his wife. Even if every word you have posted about his wife it absolutely true it doesn't matter. If he won't leave her he won't leave her. If he is unhappy and feeling trapped it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why he is staying, obligation/kids/finances whatever. Not if what you want is a monogamous, committed relationship with him because as you have already stated...he will not leave her. So what are you going to do? You can spend days/months/years trying to convince him he is unhappy enough in his marriage to leave. Or you can accept that he is not leaving and base your actions around that fact.
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