willapple Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Hey everyone! I have been browsing around the forums for a while now, but decided it was now time to register! Please help! I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year now. We have had many ups and downs but have always pulled through one way or another but I am now needing advice from the pros here. Some background: She is 20 (sophomore) and I am 23 (senior). We go to the same college and are next door neighbors in our apartment building. She has 0 friends since she started dating me except for her roommate. She only hangs out with me. I used to have a lot of friends, but was never really that social unless I was out partying. I have suspected her losing interest many times before, but at the end of the day she has always said she wanted to stay with me and/or didnt need a break or space. She says I just over think things. (Which I do). We spend every waking hour together unless we are working or in class. We spend the night together every single night. She never comes up with any plans and I feel like I am putting in all the effort in this relationship. Our whole "dilema" came after my gf's friend came up to visit her in college and went back home to tell my girlfriend's mom that we stay the night together and spend every waking hour together. My gf's mom called her and told her we shouldn't be living together until marriage (which is funny because both of her parents lived together before marriage). I asked my girlfriend if she thought we spent too much time together, and if we sleep over too much. She said no, until I kept prying and asked are you sure?? Then she said "ya maybe just a little bit." She then said just a few nights a week at most, and maybe stop hanging out so much. This seems to be the way things go with this girl. She always says everything is fine until I keep prying. If it wasn't for me this relationship probably would have ended a long time ago . I don't understand why she never says anything before it becomes an issue. Also, she never makes any effort to hang out with any of her friends either anyways?? She always waits to see what I am doing on the weekend. My question is this: even though she is the one that wants to spend the night together most of the nights and seems to want to be with me, why would she randomly start caring what her mom thinks? Is she using her mom as an excuse because she is losing interest? I don't understand these women!!! I am starting to believe that anything she says is hard to believe now. I don't have a problem with not seeing each other as much, I just HATE how I always have to be the one to fix things and pry out the problem. Should I just take a break from her??
thatone Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 welcome to my nightmare. just broke up with my gf over similar issues, amongst other things. you can take my advice with a grain of salt if you want, but here's my opinion, and why my breakup happened.... you can't be the last one in line when it comes to issues about your own relationship. if she's gonna talk to someone else ABOUT me rather than talking to me, then sorry i'm gonna put my foot down. you're not dating her mother. in my case it was both sister and mother. i was the third one to know about some issue between us. in my case we had only been together a few months so that was just the end of it. in your case you have a year so perhaps you'll have better luck, but in your shoes i would handle it the same way even if it meant the end of the relationship. you can be polite about it, but you have to tell her "look, you have to talk to me, you have to tell me what you want, i have to tell you what i want, and we have to work out what makes us both happy." because the bottom line is, you know you won't be happy with just a second person tagging along with you forever. so you have to get her to grow up or let her go.
mike111 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Should I just take a break from her?? I would say so. Maybe some distance might make the heart grow fonder? Or maybe not. Can you get away for a few days with your buddies, go fishing, camping, or whatever? mike
Cee Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Your girlfriend is very young and is taking your lead. She will listen to her mother and to you before she will listen to her own heart. Allow her time alone so that she can make friends again and spread her wings. I know you are frustrated that she is less mature, but she is barely an adult. When I was 20, I barely could pick a major let alone make reasoned decisions about my then relationship with my college sweetheart. It's your choice. Allow her to grow up with or without you. Either way, she'll probably manage just fine.
WhiteChocolate Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I agree with the posters above. But I found one thing troubling. You kept "prying" information out of her. What does this mean? Does the conversation go like this? You: Are you troubled by XXX? Her: No? You: Are you sure? Her: Yea I'm sure. Nothing's wrong. You: Really? But so-and-so said thisthisthis. Her: No, no, nothing's wrong with XXX. You: But blahblahblah Her: Hm...okay XXX is a bit bad. But really it isn't an issue! You: (whew I just pried something out of her. Time to post on LoveShack!) Are you so sure that something is wrong when you "pry" it out of her? I also find it somewhat strange that she has no friends besides you and her roommate. College is the prime time to meet people and expand your social network for your future career; it's not really healthy if you constitute all of her social life. Finally, if you want her to make plans for both of you, you should ask her to .
Author willapple Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) Thanks for all the replies everyone this is just what I needed. It's always better to get an outside opinion. I am going to think on this tonight and try and figure out what is best for us. THATONE: Great advice thanks! MIKE111: I am actually going home this weekend to get away and hang out with some old friends. CEE: Thanks! In your opinion, are we too young to be getting this serious? I have thought about this many times. I do like her a lot and want to stay with her, but keep getting the "have fun while you still can" from friends and family. WhiteChocolate: I have talked to her about not having any other friends and she blows it off and says she would rather be with me... also, even when I ask her to make plans she is literally incapable of coming up with anything other than watching tv together. And she always acts like nothing is wrong. In the past she just quit hanging out with me and I heard from her roommate what the real problem was even though she repeatedly denied anything being wrong. This is what I meant from "Prying": (exact conversation) GF: Just got off the phone with my mom she says we are spending too much time together and that living together should be saved for marriage. I bet you Amanda said something to her. ME: That is so random... that is all your mom needs to hear. Do you think we spend too much time together? Maybe we are spending too many nights a week together. GF: No babe, I think we spend just the right amount of time together. (gives her trademark guilt face) ME: Are you sure? GF: I mean no not really. ME: Not really? GF: ok. ya just a little bit. maybe just a few nights a week at most, and maybe stop hanging out so much. Edited October 12, 2011 by willapple
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