justaname Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 such good news. we'd never wanted it to be an affair; she'd just been trying to find the courage and the way to leave. and the plan is to bring it up to him sometime in the next few weeks, worst case after thanksgiving. of course no one knows how he'll take it, but she's talking to her therapist about how to approach this. she knows she needs to end things, but she wants to hurt as few people as little as possible. in the interim, i don't know how to be. we haven't slept together exactly, but we've been intimate, and the physical chemistry is as amazing as the emotional chemistry; we're as good as lovers as we are as friends. but i'm scared that if we take a break so that she can get everything in order but stay close, chemistry will slip. does it? is taking a break important? thoughts from people who've been in this situation? also, for those unattached people who are faithfully waiting on their married lovers, how do you manage to just focus on step b without thinking about where you really want to be, when you don't have a step b or c or even d, but she does?
MissBee Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 If something is meant to be, a break will not stop it. If you have to cling for dear life for it to work....it may be something you're forcing and not the natural order of things.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 such good news. we'd never wanted it to be an affair; she'd just been trying to find the courage and the way to leave. and the plan is to bring it up to him sometime in the next few weeks, worst case after thanksgiving. of course no one knows how he'll take it, but she's talking to her therapist about how to approach this. she knows she needs to end things, but she wants to hurt as few people as little as possible. Until this is actually backed up with actions, focus on you and your own life. It sounds like she's leaving her husband FOR you, not for herself. That's not a healthy way to start a new life with someone, trust is going to be an issue for you two. If I were in your shoes, I'd completely back off and end the A, allow her time and space to work through this without relying on you. Let her therapist help her with the process. in the interim, i don't know how to be. we haven't slept together exactly, but we've been intimate, and the physical chemistry is as amazing as the emotional chemistry; we're as good as lovers as we are as friends. but i'm scared that if we take a break so that she can get everything in order but stay close, chemistry will slip. does it? is taking a break important? thoughts from people who've been in this situation? If you are scared that some space will make the chemistry go away or make her feel differently then you need to learn to trust what you two share. If it's not strong enough for her to sort things out alone, then the glue that holds you two together wasn't based on something that could last long term. also, for those unattached people who are faithfully waiting on their married lovers, how do you manage to just focus on step b without thinking about where you really want to be, when you don't have a step b or c or even d, but she does? This is her marriage and life to end and you need to allow her to do this her way. FOcus on your own life, friends and family. Keep busy and if she truly is going to do what she says she's going to do, then have faith that things will work out in your favour.
4321sn Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 such good news. we'd never wanted it to be an affair; she'd just been trying to find the courage and the way to leave. and the plan is to bring it up to him sometime in the next few weeks, worst case after thanksgiving. of course no one knows how he'll take it, but she's talking to her therapist about how to approach this. she knows she needs to end things, but she wants to hurt as few people as little as possible. in the interim, i don't know how to be. we haven't slept together exactly, but we've been intimate, and the physical chemistry is as amazing as the emotional chemistry; we're as good as lovers as we are as friends. but i'm scared that if we take a break so that she can get everything in order but stay close, chemistry will slip. does it? is taking a break important? thoughts from people who've been in this situation? also, for those unattached people who are faithfully waiting on their married lovers, how do you manage to just focus on step b without thinking about where you really want to be, when you don't have a step b or c or even d, but she does? please dont get your hopes up. In my situation he said he would tell her after the holidays in 2009. Then it was March 2010 then May, then during the summer, October, November, December... He finally left in March 2011...She may WANT to leave but wh knows if she will actually do it. Reading your post and the things she has said sounded too familiar to me
4321sn Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 If she leaves people are going to be hurt. it is unavoidable.
Author justaname Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 please dont get your hopes up. In my situation he said he would tell her after the holidays in 2009. Then it was March 2010 then May, then during the summer, October, November, December... He finally left in March 2011...She may WANT to leave but wh knows if she will actually do it. Reading your post and the things she has said sounded too familiar to me but he left. time moves fast. i'm honestly not concerned about a month or a year if things are moving and if she's doing it the way she needs to. did things work out between you two?
Author justaname Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 If she leaves people are going to be hurt. it is unavoidable. right, but there's a world of difference between abruptly saying, "i want a divorce," and "this isn't working and i feel better when i'm on my own and i feel like a better parent then too. let's take some time apart."
Author justaname Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Until this is actually backed up with actions, focus on you and your own life. It sounds like she's leaving her husband FOR you, not for herself... If you are scared that some space will make the chemistry go away or make her feel differently then you need to learn to trust what you two share. If it's not strong enough for her to sort things out alone, then the glue that holds you two together wasn't based on something that could last long term. No, it's for her, primarily, but she knows that I can offer her the companionship that her current situation never has. And you're right -- I shouldn't worry. I know nothing's going to change for me. And she says nothing could change for her. So. Yeah. I shouldn't worry.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 right, but there's a world of difference between abruptly saying, "i want a divorce," and "this isn't working and i feel better when i'm on my own and i feel like a better parent then too. let's take some time apart." But what is her goal? Trial separation with the intention of what? Have space from her H? To divorce him to be with you? Or trial separation, then date you to see how things go and then divorce?
Author justaname Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 But what is her goal? Trial separation with the intention of what? Have space from her H? To divorce him to be with you? Or trial separation, then date you to see how things go and then divorce? the difficult thing about her is that she doesn't really have any goals beyond living a life that's honest both to her and to everyone else. needless to say, that hasn't been the case for a while now. she imagines that once she starts going down this road in earnest, it will lead to divorce, but i'm much more goal-oriented than she is. it's to see how it feels, really, to make sure she feels better without him being a constant controlling but emotionally empty presence in her life.
4321sn Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 but he left. time moves fast. i'm honestly not concerned about a month or a year if things are moving and if she's doing it the way she needs to. did things work out between you two? We are together now but it is a struggle. He did not confess the affair so she does not know about me. Neither do his children ages 14 and 16. He waited so long to tell his W because he was so afraid to hurt everyone. He asked for a separation then a month or so later he moved out and said he wanted a divorce. Everyone is still upset. He could have told them a year earlier and they wouldn't have been anymore upset. We have major issues. I have trust issues with him. There are a lot of triggers. I have trouble separating from him. It's almost like Adult separation anxiety. He still cannot speak to me in front of his children as they do not know about me. He is still going through his divorce and so am I. My divorce has been going on for over a year and a half already. We each have our divorces to deal with, our children, plus our issues. It is so difficult and I am not certain that we will survive this. If you can step away until she files papers at least. If she wants to be with you and wants a divorce waiting won't help it sting less for her husband. She should tell him now and move on if that is what she wants.
reboot Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 We can always rationalize anything we want badly enough. Human nature.
Author justaname Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Very true. And the "let's take some time apart" portion of this indicates there's still hope. He'll interpret it that way, and I assure you that is her intent. She will keep you both as back up plans if things don't pan out with the other. Well, yeah. Of course. And that's fine. Because for her, it's not a question of whether or not she wants to be with him -- the relationship is dead, that ship has sailed -- but it's a question of whether or not she can manage as a single parent even for a short period of time. While not a good husband to her, he's helpful to have around! And while she wants to believe I'd be in her life, I wouldn't jump right into the stepfather role immediately after the divorce, and she doesn't want to depend on me being there ever, because what if I change my mind? I won't, couldn't, but I get why she doesn't want to depend on me right now. All these things make sense to me. Edited October 13, 2011 by justaname
Owl Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Why not just tell him the truth instead? Give him the same option of choosing what HE wants out of this situation that she has? "Honey, I don't love you anymore. I want a divorce, and am exploring my options with "justaname".". Done. Now he has the same choice she has, and is doing so with the same information that she has as well. Why try to "soften the blow" when all that does is give him false hopes, and sets the stage for her to return if she chooses to?
Author justaname Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Why not just tell him the truth instead? Give him the same option of choosing what HE wants out of this situation that she has? "Honey, I don't love you anymore. I want a divorce, and am exploring my options with "justaname".". Done. Now he has the same choice she has, and is doing so with the same information that she has as well. Why try to "soften the blow" when all that does is give him false hopes, and sets the stage for her to return if she chooses to? Because that is the truth. It's about her, and it's not about our relationship. See above. She's not entirely sure she can be a mother of two on her own with her career etc. and she doesn't want to jump from one marriage into another immediately, for the sake of her children, appearances, and her feeling of independence. Yeah, we're going to end up together if the separation goes smoothly, but that's in the future and is not the next step. Also, think of how she'd be judged by everyone -- including her kids -- if she left her marriage for me and not on her own terms. She's never given anyone (including me) false hope and has said all along that she's not sure that love -- especially of the romantic kind -- trumps her responsibility to provide her children a stable life. It's not a done deal. Edited October 13, 2011 by justaname
Owl Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 But none of that addresses the fact that she's denying the truth from him. That she's making the decisions, and not giving him the same ability. It's entirely possible that he'd want out of the marriage if he were aware of the full truth. Why does she get to make that choice...and he doesn't?
reboot Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 It's also entirely possible you aren't getting the truth either. You might want to think about that. Unless you're a fly on the wall in her house, you don't really know what goes on between them. You just have what she tells you. And we already know she lies without hesitation.
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