East7 Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 A good part of the affairs are never discovered or confessed even if I'm a firm believer that the truth always comes out one day. How can people live a lie or they just get used and forget ? The A-s eventually end, but most of the time the M goes on. How can WS bury it and forget ? Just wondering.. The only IRL case I know is a xMOW who ended the A with a MM but she also divorced her H 1 year later. Her H never knew about the A.
Owl Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 There have been a few threads on here where the BS wasn't aware of the affair until months/years after it took place. The problem is...while by that time often the WS has moved on...for the BS, it's still like it just happened. It's very rare that they figure "it happened years ago, what does it matter". Instead, they feel the pain of betrayal just as if it had just happened...and then it's compounded by what feels to them like years of betrayal and lies...to them, it feels as though their whole relationship was BUILT on a foundation of lies. It's usually pretty darned bad. Some marriages survive it, some don't.
SidLyon Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) There have been a few threads on here where the BS wasn't aware of the affair until months/years after it took place. The problem is...while by that time often the WS has moved on...for the BS, it's still like it just happened. It's very rare that they figure "it happened years ago, what does it matter". Instead, they feel the pain of betrayal just as if it had just happened...and then it's compounded by what feels to them like years of betrayal and lies...to them, it feels as though their whole relationship was BUILT on a foundation of lies. It's usually pretty darned bad. Some marriages survive it, some don't. I was one whose d-day was more than 3 years after it ended. What happened was the 3.5 year A ended and he was "good" for 3 years. But the issues in our marriage were not fixed so he became restless again and went on a dating website. That, combined with the OW contacting him again was what I discovered. It made no difference to me that the sexual part had ended more than 3 years earlier. Our marriage was not good and I didn't know why. While I hate that he was not faithful, my discovery has enables us to rebuild in a way that wasn't possible (given the affair) without a d-day. One thing I'll say is that it definitely takes both partners to understand what went wrong and to want a "new" marriage. I feel sad for some BS who come on here after a d-day and it's obvious either that the WS won't let go of the AP or wants to "rug sweep", continue the gaslighting or just get back to what they had just before d-day. Personally I doubt that it works to recover a marriage. If I hadn't found out about the A we would have either eventually separated or lived in unhappiness together. Edited October 11, 2011 by SidLyon
MissBee Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I personally do not know how someone lives a lie.... I cannot do it and would have confessed I have had the experience of omitting the truth...and just always feeling uncomfortable and not fully relaxed because I felt like if the truth came out they'd be upset, the whole relationship would be a lie, and I was always worried about what if they found out. That is worst to me than just admitting it and allowing the chips to fall where they may once and for all so it would be interesting to hear how anyone currently in a M post-infidelity that hasn't been discovered feels.
mzdolphin Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I was one whose d-day was more than 3 years after it ended. What happened was the 3.5 year A ended and he was "good" for 3 years. But the issues in our marriage were not fixed so he became restless again and went on a dating website. That, combined with the OW contacting him again was what I discovered. It made no difference to me that the sexual part had ended more than 3 years earlier. Our marriage was not good and I didn't know why. While I hate that he was not faithful, my discovery has enables us to rebuild in a way that wasn't possible (given the affair) without a d-day. One thing I'll say is that it definitely takes both partners to understand what went wrong and to want a "new" marriage. I feel sad for some BS who come on here after a d-day and it's obvious either that the WS won't let go of the AP or wants to "rug sweep", continue the gaslighting or just get back to what they had just before d-day. Personally I doubt that it works to recover a marriage. If I hadn't found out about the A we would have either eventually separated or lived in unhappiness together. I think you have to have full disclosure, not dirty details, to move on. If a guy continues to hide an affair from wife, I don't care how happy they look, that is not a happy marriage. As painful as finding out must have been, it did allow you to address the heart of the problems in the relationship. If someone is withholding something as significant as an affair, they are holding back in other areas, probably lying about money, job, everything. Even if that doesn't come out directly, it will come out sideways in withheld affection, silly arguments, resentments, etc. And the BS will be left feeling crazy.
Annony Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Interesting discussion. See my thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302046/
Spark1111 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 A good part of the affairs are never discovered or confessed even if I'm a firm believer that the truth always comes out one day. How can people live a lie or they just get used and forget ? The A-s eventually end, but most of the time the M goes on. How can WS bury it and forget ? Just wondering.. The only IRL case I know is a xMOW who ended the A with a MM but she also divorced her H 1 year later. Her H never knew about the A. Well, by virtue of bein a WS, the ability to compartmentalize must be great. Undiscovered affairs will change absolutely nothing and maybe that is by design. The status quo remains exactly the same and the WS returns to the safety net they never wanted to lose to begin with. But I agree with all the posters who said the issues within the marriage, and more importantly, within the WS will never be addressed or have an opportunity for real growth and change. Plus, how can carrying around these secrets NOT interfere with the intimacy between the couple? It has to erode the most important part of the relationship: communication about feelings.
TigerCub Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hi East It is likely that the WS feels justified in what they did and therefore don't feel the need to unburden themselves and confess, so it is very possible for them to live a life that most of us consider "living a lie" - because that's not the way they see it.
Author East7 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 Hi East It is likely that the WS feels justified in what they did and therefore don't feel the need to unburden themselves and confess, so it is very possible for them to live a life that most of us consider "living a lie" - because that's not the way they see it. Hello mon chou , you are probably right when it is a revenge A, some others can compartmentalize very well and life goes on (like Spark said). Some simply don't want to hurt their spouse and go on like nothing happened. I strongly believe though, that an undiscovered/unconfessed A is a 'silent poison'. It undermines a relationship even when it is left unsaid. Why? Because honesty is the foundation of everything. The WS knows he has betrayed and somehow it eats him inside or it makes him less comfortable in the relationship. It is like sitting on a cactus.. The BS 'feels' that something is wrong but she can't tell what it is and suspicion is worse than everything. It holds the BS back and undermines the feelings for the WS.
Spark1111 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hello mon chou , you are probably right when it is a revenge A, some others can compartmentalize very well and life goes on (like Spark said). Some simply don't want to hurt their spouse and go on like nothing happened. I strongly believe though, that an undiscovered/unconfessed A is a 'silent poison'. It undermines a relationship even when it is left unsaid. Why? Because honesty is the foundation of everything. The WS knows he has betrayed and somehow it eats him inside or it makes him less comfortable in the relationship. It is like sitting on a cactus.. The BS 'feels' that something is wrong but she can't tell what it is and suspicion is worse than everything. It holds the BS back and undermines the feelings for the WS. Very, very true! It is the secrecy, protected by the WS and silently poisoning the BS that undermines the intimacy in a marriage. Secrets take a certain amount of emotional distancing to harbor and protect. The BS senses all is not well but has no concrete evidence to push down that road except to ask "Is everything okay?" and be told, "Yes, why?" It's a dead end.
GG2W Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I work in an industry where I am nightly around sexually aroused women who have had a drink or two. I myself have a fetish for married women, and almost nightly have a new partner. For the most part they are just one night stands, although there are several who have repeated, but it is nothing like an affair. None of the repeats have ever had the urge to confess to their husbands. There are no emotions involved, they still love their husbands and their families. For them it is just and hour of wild sex with somebody different and with a 6-pack, sort of like a mini vacation from reality. The curious thing, is that I have learned to remind them that their husband is probably sitting at home waiting for them, it almost always turn them on to be reminded that they are cheating on their husbands. My point is that there is a whole bunch of unreported and unreconciled cheating going on, and it seems nobody is the wiser.
ladydesigner Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hi East It is likely that the WS feels justified in what they did and therefore don't feel the need to unburden themselves and confess, so it is very possible for them to live a life that most of us consider "living a lie" - because that's not the way they see it. This is the post I can relate to the most as I had a revenge affair. I did not disclose and don't really have a need to. My A has not been discovered. Our M is fine. I do not feel like intimacy is lost. I will not EVER have another A and my H has had another infidelity since my revenge A. I learned I did not like myself during my A and didn't like the feeling of having to lie and hide to have an A. I do feel like I evened the score and my H's infidelity does not bother me as much as it did before my revenge A. I'm not saying it is right it is just how I feel.
Summer Breeze Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 My child learned the lesson early on that it's better to admit to a wrongdoing or if you're caught come up with the truth. If there was something that happened and I was lied to the consequences were much more severe. I would almost think burying an A for years would be more of a betrayal than finding out as it was happening.
CrazyMom Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Very, very true! It is the secrecy, protected by the WS and silently poisoning the BS that undermines the intimacy in a marriage. Secrets take a certain amount of emotional distancing to harbor and protect. The BS senses all is not well but has no concrete evidence to push down that road except to ask "Is everything okay?" and be told, "Yes, why?" It's a dead end. So very true. I'm currently hiding an EA and this is an almost daily occurrence with my H.
Lostinlife4now Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Hi East It is likely that the WS feels justified in what they did and therefore don't feel the need to unburden themselves and confess, so it is very possible for them to live a life that most of us consider "living a lie" - because that's not the way they see it. So true tigercub! My xmm felt very justified in having an A. And he will neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr let his W know, he does know he is living a lie....but he does everything for his children....he will not upset the apple cart my no means.... But I have to agree with some of the other posts regarding...it has to mess up the dynamics of the married relationship....feeling weird and such.... My xMM can compartmentalize very well! He changes from AP to dad and father, that is the most important thing to him in life. Being a great dad....
Spark1111 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 So true tigercub! My xmm felt very justified in having an A. And he will neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr let his W know, he does know he is living a lie....but he does everything for his children....he will not upset the apple cart my no means.... But I have to agree with some of the other posts regarding...it has to mess up the dynamics of the married relationship....feeling weird and such.... My xMM can compartmentalize very well! He changes from AP to dad and father, that is the most important thing to him in life. Being a great dad.... I just want to address this and sorry if it is a t/j East. My H had his OW convinced he was father of the year....and he was, up until his affair. She had an acrimonious D with her xH who married his last AP, and the D was so bad they both played games with her son in the middle. During the A, my H became ghost dad and ghost H. He was distracted, emotionally distant, and a million miles away distracted. We chalked it up to his new high=pressured position, and we walked on egg shells around him, I and the kids, because he was soooooo damn moody. We couldn't figure out the change in him. But at her house, with her son, he apparently became AP father of the year. She wished and told him she hoped he would be a better father figure to her son than her angry XH was. He ate that up....but at a tremendous cost, emotionally, to his own children. All the time texting, sexting, emailing, talking to his AP would have been better spent on his own children. They felt the lack, as his attention and emotions were invested elsewhere. Just saying....
Ruby_shoes Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I have often wondered the effect of this too. I can imagine it must be a huge load to bear and when times are bad (like they can be on occasion in all R's) the alarm bells of 'is this really right' must be ringing. The undealt with issues remain. No matter how hard you act the ideal W/H is it to convince yourself? xMM never told and will never tell. He's too afraid and I think he's more afraid of his image (esp to his children) then anything else. He can stay in denial if he's never caught but I wonder without the opportunity to grieve and fix the problems if the issues will keep coming up throughout life. Seems lonely to me. I noted from discussions and what I've seen and heard as long as you say OK I effed up BIGTIME and I am doing ALL I can to fix things people were more understanding long term than lies built up over years.
drifter777 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I work in an industry where I am nightly around sexually aroused women who have had a drink or two. I myself have a fetish for married women, and almost nightly have a new partner. For the most part they are just one night stands, although there are several who have repeated, but it is nothing like an affair. None of the repeats have ever had the urge to confess to their husbands. There are no emotions involved, they still love their husbands and their families. For them it is just and hour of wild sex with somebody different and with a 6-pack, sort of like a mini vacation from reality. The curious thing, is that I have learned to remind them that their husband is probably sitting at home waiting for them, it almost always turn them on to be reminded that they are cheating on their husbands. My point is that there is a whole bunch of unreported and unreconciled cheating going on, and it seems nobody is the wiser. What a selfish, morally bankrupt piece of sh*t you are. I hope one of the husbands of the married women you bang finds out and beats you with a baseball bat.
nyrias2 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Research (and i am not posting it AGAIN, look for old threads if u want the link. Plus, people here should know how to use google) shows that like 60% of the cheaters get away with it. So certainly there are a lot of "hidden" As in the world. In fact, I don't see how a spouse can find out about an old EA, particularly one done on the Internet. And lies are not that uncommon. Think about it. Do you EVER hide anything from your parents? from your friends? Humans do that routinely. If you are willing to face the truth, you know that humans are not born to be 100% truthful. There are, of course, variations. But if you thinking lying is the exception, you need to open your eyes.
Author East7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I work in an industry where I am nightly around sexually aroused women who have had a drink or two. I myself have a fetish for married women, and almost nightly have a new partner. For the most part they are just one night stands, although there are several who have repeated, but it is nothing like an affair. None of the repeats have ever had the urge to confess to their husbands. There are no emotions involved, they still love their husbands and their families. For them it is just and hour of wild sex with somebody different and with a 6-pack, sort of like a mini vacation from reality. The curious thing, is that I have learned to remind them that their husband is probably sitting at home waiting for them, it almost always turn them on to be reminded that they are cheating on their husbands. My point is that there is a whole bunch of unreported and unreconciled cheating going on, and it seems nobody is the wiser. I bet you had only ONE married woman doing this and generalizing it over MANY female co-workers. Bragging
Author East7 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Research (and i am not posting it AGAIN, look for old threads if u want the link. Plus, people here should know how to use google) shows that like 60% of the cheaters get away with it. So certainly there are a lot of "hidden" As in the world. In fact, I don't see how a spouse can find out about an old EA, particularly one done on the Internet. And lies are not that uncommon. Think about it. Do you EVER hide anything from your parents? from your friends? Humans do that routinely. If you are willing to face the truth, you know that humans are not born to be 100% truthful. There are, of course, variations. But if you thinking lying is the exception, you need to open your eyes. Well, the EA is often perceived like an "innocent" seduction game. A lot of people think that as long as it doesn't become physical, it is not really cheating. I know a bunch of people that think even a casual stolen kiss is not a big deal. I think As take another signification when it becomes physical. Many married AP don't feel any guilt until they sleep with their AP. There are a lot of variables that play a role whether the A is dicovered or not: - Length of the A (the longer they last the more likely they are discovered one day) - Emotional involvement : The more the married person in emotionally involved the more it is likely to come up one day. When it is purely sexual it is more easy to forget and sweep under the rug. - Conscience and guilt : The more the A was significant the more likely it is confessed one day, even years later. - Whether the married AP is a man or a woman : Men are known to compartmentalize easier, women carry much more guilt when it was physical and many of them confess years later. There are some posts here about MW confessing but I have never heard about MM coming clean to their wives (unless they were caught).
RickFox Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I don't know, I think my xMW is compartmentalizing just fine. She seems to be able to do it, living her life la vida loca with ol' hubby acting like nothing ever matters or happened. I don't know how she explained it from me hanging around all the time, damn near every day, to absolutely nothing. I know she told him that my wife is crazy and she said that he believes her, it seems like she was covering her bases early on, dunno. I honestly cannot believe he didn't see it. A man is at your house with your wife when you get home from work, not once a week, not twice a week, but at least four times per week, you accept it as she has male friends, she rides to the movies all of you are going to, with that one guy while you stay behind for a few with your friend.... I don't get it, Her marriage is her security blanket, she doesn't work, but according to her, with me her emotional involvement was deeper than she had ever had (her words), never felt like she did with anyone when she was with me. It "feels right" she'd say....but of course not so right in the end. So she goes on day by day, of course Im not there to see how she is at home, but I'd venture to say they aren't much closer today than they were previously. Ive seen them together, they don't hold hands, they walk several feet from each other, Im sure she's making an effort to ease her conscience, but as a male, I know, if he changed because she pointed out that he was not what she wanted, it will be a short lived change as he'll think he did what was necessary and status quo is regained.
beenburned Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 East, When my kids were young my H was caught with an OW. He cried and pleaded for me not to divorce him. Claimed it was the only time he had ever been unfaithful to me. So I gave him a second chance.(mainly for the sake of our young kids) Almost 20 years later, he said he needed to talk to me. He confessed that the OW he got caught with many years ago was not the first, but really the third OW. The guilt of holding in all the lies for 20 years, was eating him alive.
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